DP said no to baby 3 but thinks he can have a puppy !!!

[Idontwantapuppy]

I wanted dc 3, dp said absolutely not. I was quite upset but obviously if he doesn’t want another child then that’s that.

However he has decided he wants a puppy. I said no I really don’t want a dog. He has said ‘but you wanted a baby - a puppy is much less of a commitment- you’re only saying no because I said no to you!’ Which isn’t the case at all.

I said no because I’m asthmatic and just don’t want a pet. I’m a bit of a clean freak and don’t want doggy mess / hair / slobber in the house. I said to him it’s nothing to do with the fact he said no to another baby it’s a totally separate issue and I’m not applying bitterness as he says I am and just saying no to spite him. He’s saying if he wants a dog he has every right to. AIBU ? He says I clearly am as if I’d commit to another child then a puppy is a lot less of a commitment so I’m being deliberately difficult apparently

Similarly, if her husband doesn’t want another child, he doesn’t want another child.

Absolutely right to say no to the dog if you don't enthusiastically want one. It's worrying that he's being such a dick about it though. I think you should tell him what you've said here, about how sad you were but that you respected his decision - tell him all the work you did to make yourself 'okay' with not having another baby. And ask him to justify his behaviour towards you. Why is your opinion always worth less than his?
His response would be a deciding factor on the future of this relationship because he's honestly coming across as mean, immature and selfish. Honestly, I don't think his response to the baby question should have been an outright no, without further discussion - he owed it to you to think about it and not just shut it down. He's clearly given no thought as to how upset you were or how you've had to work to overcome it.

How are things otherwise? You say he's a dp not a dh - that has implications for finances etc . You don't have to say here, but sometimes the circumstances around that are relevant. He's not coming across well on this thread, so worth considering if this is part of a wider pattern before you close off opportunities in your own life due to his preferences.

I’d choose a baby over a dog any day!!

YANBU at all OP.

Yes, and she accepted that without any argument or manipulation. He’s selfish and, in throwing the baby issue back at her, bordering on cruel (I suspect it’s more a complete lack of empathy - he has no idea how hard that has been for her). He doesn’t care about what she wants - if he doesn’t want another baby, they don’t have another baby; if he wants a dog, they’re getting a dog.

I'd choose a dog over a baby, but I'd never try to manipulate dh into either. Any additions that are serious commitments need an enthusiastic yes from us both.

One of my DC saw a hospital consultant about an allergy (not to animals): he said there’s no such thing as a ‘mild allergy’ and to take it seriously, he advised avoidance/minimisation of the allergens.

Of course he can have a puppy if he wants to but it should be a joint decision while you live together. He would not want you to get a baby without him agreeing (and being involved in the process) would he?

Tbh it’s so appalling that you have health issues and knowing that he is behaving like this. Also wanting baby is not the same as waiting a puppy. They are very different. Yes, there is a similarity in terms that you commit to some duties and responsibilities but one is not replaceable by the other automatically.

It’s a big commitment if you don’t want it!

Does he know how he felt about a third baby? I think it might be worth explaining to him how much work you’ve put in to reconciling yourself to that and that it’s very upsetting for him to bring it up again now. At the same time I’d say you do understand that it’s upsetting for him to not have a dog if that’s what he really wants, but the fact is that you don’t and he needs to respect your views on this. I assume you didn’t sulk about the third baby? He’s being a dick and needs to stop this behaviour now. Just as you have had to accept no third baby he needs to accept no dog. The two things are not connected, a dog is not a substitute for a baby. But you do both need to agree on either and the fact is that you don’t so that’s the end of it.

If you already have kids, I would argue another baby is less restrictive than a puppy. You have already adapted your life to facilitate the children and their needs. A puppy has different needs, your children don’t need to be walked every day, they will gain more independence as they get older, you can take them with you most places. A puppy on the other hand can’t come to Lanzarote for the week, can’t take itself out to the toilet, make itself a drink! I love my dog to death, but if I didn’t I would find her really hard work because she needs everything doing for her.

We have 2 families we are close to - we all had our first children relatively close together so have watched them grow up together. A few years later, 2 of us had second children and 1 adopted a puppy - so the puppy is the same age as the 2 younger children. We had a running joke of trying to work out when the children became more clever than the dog because it was startlingly similar for quite a few years.

I think it was around 3 - the children could sit and be left to their own devices sometimes and had playdates and nursery and friends and such. And the dog was still (and remains still) a toddler. Everything revolves around the dog - they need to work out how to go on holiday, how to work, who is doing what - and now that the dog is older there's different medical needs and such that come up. Of course they think it is worth it (and the work of our children is also worth it!), but it's very obvious that the dog basically froze as a toddler while our children got easier and easier as they got older (of course there's no guarantee for children and there could be any number of additional needs or similar, it was just a funny observation from this specific situation)

Anyway - conclusion is both that dogs are hard work AND that no one should bring a baby or a pet into a family who isn't 100% committed as it's a lot of work and requires a good partnership.

A dog is all of the commitment of a baby with few of the benefits. Add an allergy to that and it's really unreasonable of your DH to try emotionally blackmail you into it.

Dogs are a massive tether, lots of work and expense, and they don't even grow up to make you a coffee

(DD just brought me a flat white. Yesterday she helped wallpaper rh living room; grown kids are amazing)

He wants a puppy, but wants you to do all the donkey work because 'you wanted a baby and a puppy is easier'.

Fuck that!

My ex always wanted a dog, I was not on board, and he wouldn't agree to the cats I wanted. We are now divorced and I have two cats who I love to bits but they are a lot of work, mess and expense.

Also the only non allergenic dog breed I can think of off the top of my head is a labradoodle and they are complete nut cases and can end up the size of a small pony!

There are more than 30 hypoallergenic breeds.

https://www.thesprucepets.com/hypoallergenic-dog-breeds-5181208

I have had a dog and I have babies. They are not the same at all. I would never get a dog again because they don't like being left at home which makes it difficult to holiday or have days out. They're also barred from many public places, unlike children.

And yeah, they're animals, so yeah dog hair, poo, wee, vomit, daily walks, vet trips.

Getting a dog will change your lifestyle and not in the same way that having another child would.

Yes because as a PP said there is no such thing as a truly hypoallergenic dog

they don’t shed hair as easily that is the difference

the OP would still be putting her health at risk

In the context of needing medical intervention, I’d imagine he is absolutely right, but in ordinary everyday parlance, the word allergy is used more broadly. For example, I have a serious anaphylactic allergy to wasp and hornet venom. Even the smallest amount in my skin, when I have bated away a wasp before it has stung me, has required the use of antihistamines, an EpiPen and a trip to A&E. However, anyone stung by a wasp will produce a histamine response. Some will get almost no swelling, others might get large localise swelling, without a cytokine storm. They might take antihistamines to reduce the symptoms more quickly, but their reaction isn’t deemed to be a clinical problem worthy of speaking to a doctor. Similarly, I get hay fever in May sufficient to get heavy cold symptoms at times. I sometimes need to take antihistamines, but I’ve never needed to seek medical intervention and I don’t avoid the trees whose pollen give me hay fever, in order to manage my symptoms, because I enjoy country walks. Likewise, if I had a dog allergy equivalent to my wasp venom allergy, I’d never get a dog. But if I had a dog allergy equivalent to my tree pollen allergy, I would get a dog that gave me no or fewer issues. Lastly, allergies can be managed through low levels of exposure. My wasp allergy is so life threatening that my doctor thinks that an EpiPen would not save me. I am about to undertake a course of immunotherapy in the hope that I can reduce my allergic response.

It’s pretty gross that he’s trying to use your desire for another child against you to get what he wants.

If both of you aren’t on board with any big life commitment (pets, a baby, moving, etc) it has to come off the table - forcing someone to do something just doesn’t work.

Dogs are amazing but they can be a lot of work; I’ve got friends who struggle to manage their naughty dog with their kids and another whose anxious dog limits what they can do. It’s perfectly valid to say you don’t want to that responsibility!

I’d take 10 newborns over having another puppy I tell you that 🤣 and with each life stage comes a new issue with dogs, wouldn’t change mine for the world but he definitely restricts us being able to do things/go on holiday. Also I can’t even imagine having children and a puppy, I did the puppy first 🤣

This.
The issue is not really about the puppy or the baby.

It is that when OP was told 'no', she accepted it and worked hard to come to terms with that.
When he is told 'no', he manipulates, argues, sulks, and throws previous issues back in her face.

He is basically selfish and immature. Sorry OP, there is not much you can do about that.

Having a puppy is hard work. Training it, walks, food, cleaning up after it etc and I'm guessing most of that will fall on you

We have a dog, a lovely, gorgeous black lab. I love her, but bitterly regret buying her. Stick to your guns. Dogs/puppies are way more of a committement than a new baby and a lot more expensive. P.s. I have 2 children.

Is he usually manipulative like this OP, or is this a side of him that you haven't seen before?

Noteably you would get leave to look after your night-waking, non-housetrained baby, but not a puppy.
So how would he enjoy going to work around looking after his puppy in those early months?