DP said no to baby 3 but thinks he can have a puppy !!!

[Idontwantapuppy]

I wanted dc 3, dp said absolutely not. I was quite upset but obviously if he doesn’t want another child then that’s that.

However he has decided he wants a puppy. I said no I really don’t want a dog. He has said ‘but you wanted a baby - a puppy is much less of a commitment- you’re only saying no because I said no to you!’ Which isn’t the case at all.

I said no because I’m asthmatic and just don’t want a pet. I’m a bit of a clean freak and don’t want doggy mess / hair / slobber in the house. I said to him it’s nothing to do with the fact he said no to another baby it’s a totally separate issue and I’m not applying bitterness as he says I am and just saying no to spite him. He’s saying if he wants a dog he has every right to. AIBU ? He says I clearly am as if I’d commit to another child then a puppy is a lot less of a commitment so I’m being deliberately difficult apparently

I’d have 2 more babies before I’d have a puppy (having made the mistake of getting one 3y ago that I’m still living with)

I have a dog and that's not my experience.

My experience has been that puppies and young dogs are like small children, need constant attention and training/parenting.

Old dogs are like having an elderly parent living in the house. Constantly checking for mishaps, trips to the vet, managing medication and a changing diet.

The bit in-between is similar to a young school age child. They need feeding, walking, entertaining and loving attention. Yes, you can leave them in their own, unlike a small child, but generally not for more than a few hours, so you still have to factor the dog's needs into your plans on a daily basis.

Kids grow up and become independent. A dog doesn't, it needs your input every single day of its life. If this isn't your experience, then I would be concerned for the dog.

Who will train the puppy? Get up in the night to take it to the toilet? Crate train so it doesn’t destroy the house? Stay home and look after it rather than go to work? Walk it - as a puppy small walks a few times a day? Give it attention constantly and let it outside every 10
mins when toilet training?

I suppose many of the arguments against a puppy, the work, the expense, the restriction on your life, the change to the home, the mess, all apply to babies to a greater extent than puppies. So if you used any of those as arguments I can see his logic. Obviously what he's missing is the concept of cost/benefit, whereby you think all of those things would be worth it for a child, but not for a dog because you want one and not the other.
Personally I think this puppy business is part and parcel of deeper issues of incompatibility around the third child issue. An argument about whether to get a dog shouldn't lead to a rehash of that argument if you were both accepting of where you were. You remain resentful and he remains defensive about that, and unless you properly work through your feelings about what is a very big deal, I think these lesser disagreements are going to keep emerging.

When he said no to me I had to really get myself into a place of moving on and to do that I was focusing on the benefits of not being so tied down if that makes sense? I’ve had to work hard to try and be ok with not having more when I didn’t feel done and I’ve done that quietly, myself , had moments where I’ve had to just take myself off to rebalance my mind. I’ve told myself I can work more, have more time for the dc we have, hobbies and our relationship and I just feel a bit sad that I’ve have to work so hard on that and felt quite isolated in doing so, and I know it’s the right thing but to then be spoken to about something that would create more work, stress and limit freedom in a lot of similar ways just makes me feel that he’s really inconsiderate bordering on selfish and ignorant. The sulking we’ve had too - it’s really unattractive

They all smell and shit and need exercise and vets bills and are a huge responsibility, though. If the OP doesn't want a dog, she doesn't want a dog.

No I didn’t really try to argue my point I kept it quite simple and said I felt I would like one more baby and had been feeling that way for about 18 months, he was a firm no immediately the second I’d stopped speaking. So I didn’t even try to persuade him otherwise. I do agree though it shouldnt have reignited the baby issue and what’s weird is that he was the one bringing it up and using it. It just felt very manipulative almost presenting me with the option of something he wants that’s apparently pretty much the same as what I wanted (when it’s really not !) and getting irritated when I didnt fall for that

If you want to stay together youd probably benefit from some help to work this through. You're working as hard as you can to come to terms with it, but are really just sealing it in a box and trying not to think about it. Trouble with that is, it will have a tendancy to keep escaping. You already think your H is selfish and inconsiderate for denying you a child. You already have seen him in a different light. The puppy and other future disagreements will just keep adding fuel to that fire. I think you need help to decide how you're going to make life work with a H who has denied you what you want.

Who’s home with the dog all day? Would it be him or you? Besides that if you don’t want a dog don’t get one they are hard work regardless of what he’s saying .

No is a complete sentence. Tell him that no is your final answer and that he must respect your decision, as you have his, regarding adding to your family.

When it comes to a living being joining the family, all adults involved must enthusiastically consent or it doesn't happen. The fact that a third child is a no go is irrelevant to the puppy situation. And it is a completely different situation. A child will eventually grow up and you can teach them how to use the toilet, have conversations with them and they'll become self sufficient. A dog is going to bark, shed hairs, require consideration whenever you want to leave the house or go on holiday and require you to pick up its mess forever.

Your husband is a dick. A baby and a dog are not the same thing.

Not remotely equivalent.

Both adults need to want to- or at least agree to the dog - whatever else has gone before. Dogs do bring a lot to a family - but they are a huge tie as every plan you make needs to factor them in. Unlike children, they never become independent. Persuasion maybe - but nobody should be pressured into getting a dog.

A dog is more of a tie than a baby.

The DH is being unreasonable to behave churlishly over OP’s refusal to get a dog, to nag her about getting a dog, and to use her desire for a third child to attempt to manipulate her into agreeing to getting a dog. The last is particularly cruel.

It isn't anywhere near the same amount of work.

Had he told you previously that he wanted a dog? DH and I have always grown up with dogs so we both knew that it was important to us to have one. I would have been pretty furious if we agreed that and then got married had kids etc and he said no. That said, I bought the dog before he moved in so I didn’t give him the chance!

I love dogs but they aren’t the same as kids. We have a 2 year old and a 12 week old. We’re always having to think about the dog first before making plans, timing her walks around us going out, not staying out too long, making sure we have care for her before booking trips etc. Whereas an extra child would just slot into your life and accompany you - nothing would really change there would just be more of you.

This!

Id put a new puppy up there with a newborn baby until all of you get used to the new routine.

I also think you'd end up looking after the dog, so hold firm to stop that happening.

dog lover here and this definitely. I think there are aspects where it definitely is comparable and of course aspects where its not. But its irrelevant. Its like moving house, one of you making a big job change or anything else that is a life changing decision for a couple. Both get a say, both get a veto. Do you normally have a problem agreeing on joint decisions or has this come out of the blue. Has he articulated to you why he doesn't want another child? Have you articulated to him why you don't want a dog? Do you KNOW you are allergic to dogs? Has he offered to do extra cleaning and so on or do you think it will all fall on you? I wonder if these disagreements are not the problem but a symptom?

Sorry but as a long time dog owner, I think that's not quite right. A puppy needs full on attention for months and training for years, at least two and a half, probably. They can be immensely destructive if bored or under-exercised and can't be left for very long. They need hours of exercise every day, rain or shine. In my view dogs are a huge commitment.
Obviously they are not children and not the same as children but I wouldn't underestimate the time/effort/commitment/cost.

Not in my experience of admittedly 1 dog! House training was a piece of cake, everything else hard. My fault, didn’t do enough research!

’He was a firm no [to ttc DC3] immediately the second I’d stopped speaking’

You have given him your reasons for your ‘no’ to his idea of getting a dog. Simply not wanting one would suffice IMO! Keep it firm and don’t engage further.

His arguments and sulking to seek to get his way are indeed manipulative.

If a partner sharing (or indeed doing most of the) care/cost for a dog was a relationship deal-breaker for him, he should have made that clear at an early stage.

You say DP not DH and say you offered to ‘work more’ If you’re not married, working full time is sensible.

I would love another child and would hate a dog.

I have other friends who have dogs and would hate a baby. Definitely different things imo.

Suggest he signs up to borrowmydoggy.com.

I actually found a puppy harder work than a newborn baby. They can run around as soon as you bring them home, they shit everywhere before you train them and they chew your clothes and furniture. At least human babies don’t move at the beginning and by the time they’re causing chaos you’ve kind of warmed up to it.