Kid is always at our house-bit rude?

[Timeitwasohwhatatimeitwas]

Dd has a friend on the road, he’s at our house a lot to play, which I don’t mind at all, he’s a lovely boy and they play nicely together.
Yesterday he was here from 2.30-7.30 and stayed for dinner-all fine
Whenever my Dd asks if he can play, it’s always at our house, she’s been there a few times, but they always have to play outside. She’s even asked if she can play at his for a change (did her this was cheeky) and he said he wasn’t allowed but could come to ours

My friends and I generally take it in turns to have playdates, does anyone else find this a bit rude?

No Is a complete sentence.
I think it depends on the circumstances. Some people have ocd and can't handle others in their space.
I had a newish friend. DDS were school friends and the kid kept asking to come round. In the end mum daughter and sister and brother came round a few times. Completely trashed the house... toys everywhere. Then had a couple of playdates just the 2 girls. Happened a few times. Then constantly asking when can I come to your house, can we have a play date ect but never offered at theirs.
I thought the mum had an issue with others in her house and had sympathy for this. Then found out that they had had play dates at theirs with other kids and so have said no everytimes it's raised. If the parent can't realise that it's nice for the other child to be invited to theirs instead of always trashing someone else's house then I'm afraid it's CF territory.

We had a similar thing with twin boys. Turns out their Dad is an alcoholic and can get violent. Their mum sent them to play out every afternoon and wouldn’t let them bring friends into the house.

We‘ve got a good relationship with both boys now and I‘m proud they see our house as a safe place.

We had similar and I could never understand why. They were happy to take my child out to parks, and other local attractions but never in their house. On the odd occasion we actually crossed the threshold the house seemed pretty normal. Found out years later from a mutual friend the mum had OCD. She hated having anyone in the house other than family. Even family had to get changed and wash hands the second they entered the house. Having people round meant several hours cleaning afterwards. She was embarrassed about it which is why she never told the truth and made stupid excuses every time. I wasn’t too bothered and gave the child some normality at our house.

I don’t have kids over because I don’t trust my dog with kids he doesn’t know it’s a logistical nightmare when anyone’s round who the dog doesn’t know (6 year old pug that’s got grumpy)

growing up though mums home was one where anyone and everyone was just welcome till my dad came in from work that was the boundary. Maybe you’d feel better if you set boundaries that he has to go home at certain times, like he can come for an hour ect but if the kids are entertaining each other and it works I wouldn’t read too much into the other parents just see it as company for your child.

I was quite happy for my daughters friends to come around at that age. During the school holidays there’d be at least half a dozen in and out of the house. I’d supply sandwiches and pop. I didn’t mind, at least I knew that my daughter was safe and being fed 🤗

I was the friend who always went to other people's houses. My nice suburban home was not a happy one - I didn't enjoy being there, my parents didn't like having additional kids there, and friends weren't very comfortable there. None of those were things I got to control, but they didn't mean that I didn't deserve to play with friends like other kids, right? Now I have the home where we tend to almost always have extra kids around but we don't let it get to the point it's a problem.

Let go of the idea that this is a transaction between the two sets of parents and you're getting a raw deal. Reframe your thinking as you weighing the effort/costs of having a young guest against the enjoyment your DD gets and just make sure that math makes sense. Host as much and when it works for your family without needing to be paid back by the other parents. If feeding an extra mouth for dinner often is a stretch, tell your DD she needs to ask (in private!) before inviting friends to stay for meals and get comfortable breezily telling the kids when the friend will need to leave. "Hey you two, looks like you're having fun. You can play for another 30 minutes and then X will need to go home."

This reminds me of a post last week where the mum was fed up with kids knocking and said she locks hers outside! Refreshing to hear of other mums like myself who welcome children in to play

OP forgive me if I have missed it but do the parents of the child check in with you to see if it is ok or just even how they are? Five hours is a long time for a child to be missing with no contact I think ?

No they don’t 😬

Goodness me then that's all kinds of wrong there. I would check in and ask if my dd was behaving herself or being a nuisance etc. Then I would ring and say thank you so much for having xxxx it was so kind of you they had a lovely time. Seems very rude to ignore and not communicate with you, I couldn't do that.

They only live on the end of the road and have done this for a long while now tbf

At a house viewing the lady selling had severe OCD. She made us remove our shoes and put foot covers on. Sanitise hands. Told not to touch anything, not even the banister and if we wanted to look at anything she would open cupboards etc The house was pristine. People have things going on you wouldn’t notice from the outside. At the end of the day your house is your safe space and it’s up to you if you want to invite people in. Your boundaries are more flexible than theirs.

I’ve had this. In hindsight the mother was depressed I think. I was happy to have her LO with us a lot, she was adorable and I really cared for her. Her home house was absolutely spotless, the mother cleaned all the time, the dad used to come pick her up when he got off from work. It was a strange one but I had her gladly. I think you just need to either have him over happily or not. Tell him to go home when it doesn’t suit but you can’t really know what’s going on here.

I like to think I was a positive influence in this child’s life at that time.

So you’re not direct neighbours

You know for a fact that neither ever work at all over the weekend; you also know that they never ever have any children over for a play date or any family kids over either.

Are you very good friends with them to have such insight in to their lives?

Do your children go to the same school?

Play outside should be your answer too if it is too much. I let mt son and friends in a lot less during summer as outside play involves less screens and more active. I dont mind him playing at friends but I am not reciprocating in the same was as I would at other times of the year as playing outside is the preferred option for me.

I would just say he can play once a week or something. If you are using this kid to keep your child entertained and letting them in your house all day that is on you!
I would be like the other parents in this instance tbh. I work from home and couldnt have ad hoc playdates.
Do you have the parents number. If he is in your house then you should. And I would also be texting to say, they have just come over and we are having dinner at 5 so we will send him back at 4.30.

That's what I was thinking!

It’s quite outing actually

we know this woman…

has one child, a son, aged 7
lives in a house with a swimming pool (which narrows it down!)
lives down the street from a woman with a daughter same age and also one child, to whom her son often plays with around theirs

oh and apparently neither she nor husband ever work from home at the weekend nor do they ever have any child over, ever 🤔

They do, they are two doors down on the corner of the street across from us

I’m abroad and she doesn’t speak much English, she won’t be on here

OP, just leave them be. You have bugger all idea what is going on behind that front door. An unhappy marriage? Poor mental health?

I just can’t shake this feeling op… that you’re not very nice

Oh 😔 why

The fact that you’re on mumsnet posting about a woman you know very little about
but thinking she’s rude despite fact it’s your daughter inviting her son over.
and she just wants the children to be outside rather than in her house for her own reasons

If she was inviting her son around, then I’d understand you thinking she was rude

Ok