Kid is always at our house-bit rude?

[Timeitwasohwhatatimeitwas]

Dd has a friend on the road, he’s at our house a lot to play, which I don’t mind at all, he’s a lovely boy and they play nicely together.
Yesterday he was here from 2.30-7.30 and stayed for dinner-all fine
Whenever my Dd asks if he can play, it’s always at our house, she’s been there a few times, but they always have to play outside. She’s even asked if she can play at his for a change (did her this was cheeky) and he said he wasn’t allowed but could come to ours

My friends and I generally take it in turns to have playdates, does anyone else find this a bit rude?

Turns out that the kids like this lived in pristine houses. They weren't allowed to play at home in any way that I would have recognized as 'play'.
One toy out at a time at most if not 'watch a movie, no snacks don't touch anything'
Food was never offered because it was bought precisely for meals and there was no spare in the house.

How have you found all this out about all these homes?

Id bung some boundaries in. " We are eating at 6.30, so you'll need to be home by then for your own tea". Half hour warning, then 10 mins.

i think this op needs to ask her her dd to stop inviting him around and to stay for dinner first and foremost

When mine were young I didn't mind play dates at mine as I knew what was going on.

But you need boundaries. Send home for food
If kids play well together I don't count the time. If arguments they go home.

It’s a bit rubbish that they don’t ’share’ houses but clearly the friend’s parents, for whatever reason, aren’t the sort of people who like other children in their house.
I’m not sure I’d make a habit of feeding them but having them over for a couple of hours or so is ok.
If the child was constantly knocking on your door and pestering to come over then that would be different but it sounds as if your DD is asking, so it’s up to you to say yes or no to that.

They had one child
Perhaps that was very much a conscious and decisive decision because the idea of having more than one child around was NOT what they wanted in life.

They don’t seem to ever invite their child over. It is all from your child inviting their child over.

😃And If OP wasn't hosting this boy either as per her pejorative, the children would simply not be socialising. If socialising is important to the other parent she should also host OP's dd and reciprocate with the hospitality.

Hilarious when people on Mn try to defend what is basically antisocial and rude by saying your house your rulz hon.

How bizarre

You don’t have to play inside to socialise

and focus on the friends that do reciprocate, if that’s so important to you

Some parents just don't do playdates at home, for whatever reason. DS had a friend at school who came to our house literally hundreds of times over the years from Reception to Y11. He went to the friend's house once, and that was when we were doing the mum a favour by feeding her dogs when she had an emergency. Nobody was allowed to go round there - one time a group of them were all walking home, one of the boys was desperate for the loo and asked if he could nip into this lad's house as they were passing, and he was refused. Never did find out why! We kept having the kid at ours and taking him on days out because they were both only children and really enjoyed hanging out together, but it did grate a bit.

It’s not the child’s fault, do you want your child to play with them if so don’t overthink it, if you don’t want to provide food then don’t.

No it's bizarre to be so anti social as to be shutting your door to your dc's friends. Even more bizarre to accept hospitality and never reciprocating it. It's not normal and is rude. I'd put an end to this and focus on arranging social opportunities for my child, which are more balanced and healthy. Each to their own of course, but the poor boy must have a stifling upbringing. And it's strange to allow your dc and a friend briefly in your garden but never ever inside the house.

A stifling upbringing

what’s to say he doesn’t have other friends over? Cousins? Etc

the fact he’s not having the neighbours kid over to his house doesn’t scream stifling upbringing to me

Even if the person offering a lift is very insistent that they are glad to do it, is there not a point where you decide that you really do need to reciprocate (or stop accepting)? Or do you keep taking from the kind person offering?

In this case, I’d probably speak to the daughter and say that she is not to ask him over without asking you first. And, if she turns up with him (because she forgot or didn’t realise you mean it) say that it isn’t a good time and she needs to check first.

A dd had similar, child came many times to play with Gdd, was never invited back. Eventually dd was (politely) pissed off enough to ask why.

Basically, the mother (of only the one child!) said she just couldn’t be arsed.

My DC goes around to play at a neighbours house - I always tell them to stay outside but they always invite them in - that's their choice.

I choose not to have them to play in my house because they are loud and rowdy and the other child is quite frankly, very rude. Also my choice. I have other children too.

If they don't like that I don't reciprocate then they are welcome to not invite my child in to their house.

I wasn’t allowed to bring kids home. Tbf, my mum would’ve preferred it if i didn’t go to other people’s houses either, but i was invited and wanted to go, so off I went. There wasn’t much feeding or any entertaining from the parents, but it was great.

As a parent , I’ve had all the combinations. Kids in and out of eachother houses, the like for like invites, we had the kid that always wanted to come here , but she was never invited to his house in 8 years of friendship, the kid whose parents actually preferred DD going over, so even if i messaged to ask them to send her over, they’d always say they’d have it at theirs.

Do whatever makes you and your kid happy and what you’re comfortable with. It’s ok to change the rules, like only play for 2 hours and then send home for food, or just some toast and fruit for lunch if you normally do extravagant spreads, also ok to say no.

This is quite an odd thread.

OP, yes, it's rude, and there could be any number of reasons this is happening.

But it comes down to one of those things where you have to decide what you're willing to accept and where you/ your DD are going to start getting resentful. We also had one of these. For a long time it was fine, but I was finding myself feeling oblied to take this chidl out adn about an awful lot, with no acknowledgement from the mother at any point. Eventually I just started sending him home whenever it was crossing my line.

We end up hosting more often than our neighbours do but they are absolutely not CFs - it is entirely up to the children, the other mum would actually quite like it if they played at hers more (and does invite them in, and try to make up for it by doing lifts for arranged trips to town/cinema etc).
The reason is simply that we have the same size house but we have an only child and their child is one of three, so we have more space for them hang out uninterrupted and therefore their child has a preference for coming here.

He doesn’t have anyone over

Oh fgs Op, have you set up a watching station or something

You have no idea

just leave them be

if you don’t want the child over, Tell. Your. own. DD. To. Stop. Inviting. Him!!

This isn’t the DD “glad” to have him over She actively wants him over and inviting him

if she didn’t invite him again, these parents wouldn’t be knocking on the OP’s door demanding him over
.

The fact that the DD came back and he stayed means that perhaps the parents really would not mind if he doesn’t go to the OP’s

There could be a reason why they can’t have your child at theirs instead. I’m guilty of not returning play dates or turning down invitations as I know I won’t return the favour. This is because i’m embarrassed to have people in my house. We rent so can’t make changes and it is ugly/dated. It’s also almost always a mess due to being a neurodivergent household and not being able to keep on top of things. I also work from home so often need it to be quiet.

Maybe his parents are very houseproud as you say his house is ok.
Yes of course parents can refuse their own children to have play dates, but I do find that odd that you would happily let your DC go over someone else’s house very regularly and eat at theirs and not let it be returned at some point. Or maybe the child is lying and there is something underhand going on.

I would say if it bothers you (and I fully appreciate it does), try and approach Mum and suggest a play date at each others, maybe invite her too for a cup of tea and just see what comes up, maybe she may hint to being a terrible cook or has a nice new white carpet.

I see part of having kids is having the odd play date at somepoint, more for their own social cohesion and confidence.

You can’t expect your actions to be equally reciprocated by someone that hasn’t agreed to it.

Parents have all sorts of legitimate reasons to not want guests. Just because you have been happy to host doesn’t mean someone else ‘owes you’ and equivalent amount of time.

How frequently you welcome others into your home, and whether you feed / entertain them is entirely your choice, but no one should feel that they have to do any of it. Do as much or as little as your are comfortable with, and don’t keep track of how many invites your DD receives, it only creates resentment.

Which adult is at home with the other child? My husband is very wary of letting the kids from the street in the play with our boys - especially girls you just never know what might get said