What does ‘being petty’ actually achieve?

[PeriJane]

I’ll preface this by disclosing that I’m diagnosed autistic so there’s perhaps a reason why I struggle to understand this behaviour.

What does being petty about something actually achieve? I see people on threads saying ‘I’d do something petty back” etc etc and I get a bit confused because it’s written as if it’s something funny or not a big deal to do, but to me it indicates something lacking in that person. I don’t see pettiness as a mature, intelligent thing to do and I really don’t see how it can lead to anything positive.

What is the general consensus about ‘pettiness’?

While probably achieving nothing, it may give you some small measure of satisfaction for a while, especially if it’s in retaliation for someone else’s annoying/selfish/PITA behaviour.

I don’t begrudge the pigeons having it tbh, I like them, and I’m pretty sure the blackbird got a look in too.

have only read the title: a warm glow. I love it.

oh god "spite" crops up on mn so often.

Some people, the DH in the lemon cake thing, the neighbour in the glitter thing, are so wrapped up in their own righteousness, that a short sharp shock of similar treatment is exactly what they need.

I can be incredibly petty. And i have a long memory and patience for petty. It amuses me. And that is all. In other respects i am a completely lovely, dependable, reliable and loyal adult. But when someone is an arse? they reap what they sow.

@FanofLeaves i think the defenestration (got to keep that word going, top marks) of the cake was way way better than just eating it yourself.

It says "you are being such a complete arse that not only will i deprive you of the tasty baked good, i will deprive MYSELF too, to make a point"

I'll give an example.

Me and my Dad don't have the best relationship. He had a bunch of affairs while we were growing up, and my Mum was very unhappy as a result. He also had very little interest in us as kids, always preferring to be off doing one of his hobbies.

To be fair to him, he has tried to improve the relationship with his kids over the past 10 years or so, but I still keep him at arms length, we'll generally go for a few pints together every fortnight or so.

The problem is, he really does want to go for that pint, but he also doesn't want to commit to doing it on a specific day, just in case he gets a better offer. So we'll have a conversation, one of us will say "Shall we go for a pint next week?" I'll say "Yep, how about Tuesday", and he'll say "I'll give you a ring on the weekend, and we'll decide what day then" Half the time he won't then phone on the weekend, but will still be expecting us to go for a pint on Tuesday.

Now, I've tried to talk to him about this. I've explained that it's hurtful, I've explained that it brings up issues from our past, and that its also frankly annoying to have to keep an evening free when there's no guarantee that we'll actually be going out. He makes all the right noises, and then does exactly the same thing two weeks later.

So I'm left with petty. I won't go out of my way to organise something else on Tuesday, but if someone else suggests it, then I'll say yes, because after all, I don't have any firm plans. Or if he doesn't actually confirm that we're going out, I'll wait until he's on the bus into town, and when he texts to say he's on the way in, I'll say "Oh, you didn't confirm so I thought we weren't going, I'll head in now" and he'll have to sit in the pub for an hour.

When he whinges, I tell him every single time that it's his own fault that he refuses to confirm plans, but he doesn't learn because he's too worried that he'll miss out on something better.

Sounds complicated.....

It is deeply satisfying.

I don’t see it as petty really but rather natural consequences. I feel we often bend over backwards to some people instead actually showing them that their actions have consequences.

With the OP, this was a peace offering and he rebuffed it in a mean, dragging it out kind of way the natural consequences to that is the OP removes the cake.

I think pettiness should be replaced with consequence in a non confrontational way - this is not a raging dig just a natural end to a behaviour.

Like the birthday thread - if my husband didn’t buy me anything for my birthday I would not buy him anything for his - this is not a major rage it is just a natural consequence of his actions.

The moral high ground is overrated - it just leaves one person feeling put upon.
A bit of pettiness restores the balance of justice.
I think it's great that @FanofLeavesgave the cake to the birds - they deserved the treat far more than her selfish arse of a husband. My pettiness would continue and I'd ruin something that he was looking forward to doing!

Sometimes petty is all you have.

My abusive ex husband’s behaviour was beyond words. I don’t want to write it all down here because I would be here half the day and it still upsets me to think about it in any detail.

When I last saw him some years ago I spat in his tea.

I enjoyed watching him drink it.

I had pondered on using the mug to clean out my cat’s litter tray first but I didn’t want to risk prosecution should he contract toxoplasmosis so the fucker should be grateful that it was just spit.

@VimesandhisCardboardBoots

So I'm left with petty. I won't go out of my way to organise something else on Tuesday, but if someone else suggests it, then I'll say yes, because after all, I don't have any firm plans. Or if he doesn't actually confirm that we're going out, I'll wait until he's on the bus into town, and when he texts to say he's on the way in, I'll say "Oh, you didn't confirm so I thought we weren't going, I'll head in now" and he'll have to sit in the pub for an hour.

So I wouldn't see that as "petty". I would just say that's having boundaries, knowing someone is unreliable and therefore keeping your options open.

Whereas the poster throwing away the lemon drizzle cake is classic petty for me.

For me the difference is between taking actions (or not taking actions) which protect you from the ramifications of someone being an arsehole but at no cost to you, vs microaggression directed at someone designed to make a small point when you know its going to backfire on you but you are so wrapped up in the "revenge" that you do it anyway.

"It makes the person feel better about not simply accepting something rude/offensive, and also sends a subtle message to the person that the slight has not been passively accepted - a warning to them against making further slights."

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=UCxROoAr4DM&pp=ygUkU2hpcmxleSB2YWxlbnRpbmUgaSBnYXZlIGl0IHRoZSBkaWcg

"I gave it the dog" - petty
"Pretend it's Tuesday" Flippant
Smearing the poster- petty.

But it was all she could do, and the catalyst for doing something else. This is a great scene , well acted by both. Shirley finds the confidence to stand up for herself.

Nailed it.
Thankfully I’ve grown out of it …mostly

Personal satisfaction?

Pointless of course. It is what it says on the tin..

Because being the bigger person often gets you nowhere.

I’m re-listening to The Teacher’s Pet podcast where the family of the victim are the least petty people possible and very lovely. But it’s meant the murder of their sister went unpunished for 40 years because they kept giving the benefit of the doubt.

FanofLeaves I applaud your use of the word defenestration and your action regarding the cake, may have been petty but well deserved.

My SIL did something much more dramatic - SIL is an excellent cook and always has been, her then husband came in from work one day and she put in front of him an extremely nice dinner, he looked at it and said What's this shit? for no other reason that to be nasty, so SIL promptly picked up the plate and tipped the contents into the bin. Funnily enough he never did that again and did in fact apologise. Petty or well deserved consequence for an uncalled for comment and being an arse?

For me, it makes me feel better. I used to internalise other peoples poor behaviour towards me and stew on it and it hurt me more. So now I do something petty to pay them back - I no longer feel negative feelings, infact I get some enjoyment from it!

Ive learnt the hard way that being the bigger person and turning the other cheek just makes people victimise you more.

Eh, I think it's petty.

He never does get a better offer, so I know we are going to be going out on the day he suggested, so it would cost me nothing really to tell my friend "Can we do Wednesday instead, I'm out with my Dad on Tuesday" or to leave before I've had confirmation that he's on his way so he's not sat in the pub on his own for half an hour.

I'm doing it specifically because he's annoyed me, and it brings me some small joy to inconvenience him slightly. Thats the definition of petty for me, going out of your way to cause some small annoyance when you don't need to.