What does ‘being petty’ actually achieve?

[PeriJane]

I’ll preface this by disclosing that I’m diagnosed autistic so there’s perhaps a reason why I struggle to understand this behaviour.

What does being petty about something actually achieve? I see people on threads saying ‘I’d do something petty back” etc etc and I get a bit confused because it’s written as if it’s something funny or not a big deal to do, but to me it indicates something lacking in that person. I don’t see pettiness as a mature, intelligent thing to do and I really don’t see how it can lead to anything positive.

What is the general consensus about ‘pettiness’?

I would see it as a small dose of medicine. You are usually trying to prove a point by doing a similar small shitty thing back to the person who has done a big shitty thing and you are hoping to create a mild inconvenience. It’s not that deep.

OP It's a bit like emotional crack cocaine: it gives people a very short-lived rush of satisfaction as they consider they are "getting their own back". But almost always amplifies and inflames a situation and makes the perpetrator look stupid and childish. As in the example @FanofLeaves gives which is a textbook example.

It corrodes trust, prolongs disagreement and removes the moral high ground. If you do it repeatedly in a marriage, relationship or close friendship you're almost certainly hastening the decline of that relationship.

I also think it shows a powerlessness and lack of conviction. If you think someone has been a dick to you, have the balls to tell them and hold your ground rather than making passive aggressive digs.

It does depend on the behaviour though.

My ex told me I was petty for not picking up his socks and adding them to the wash.

I didn't feel petty for not doing that, I felt like finally I was asking him to pull his own weight (just a tiny bit)

Now he thinks I'm petty for rejecting a visitation request at short notice, when there's a court ordered notice period he's required to give. Again, I think I'm just maintaining fair boundaries.

Petty behaviour can seem petty from one side, but very important from another.

O/T but the contextual use of defenestration before 8am has made me rather happy.

Back to the OP... its a small bit of making yourself feel better. It doesn't usually sort an underlying issue but can make things better i the short run.

You are right, it isn't mature.

I did tell him he was in the wrong, hence me holding my ground and refusing to apologise for something I was not sorry for.

in this case it was the fact that he insisted he ‘had to’ go to football for 12pm to have beers with his Dad even though the kick off is obviously not until 3pm, roughshodding over my only opportunity in the week to pop out and do something for myself while our son napped. Despite me making him aware previously of my plan to do this. Therefore I was angry that yet again his time is seen as more valuable than mine, and it came to a head when I called him selfish among other things. He felt I should apologise for that and I would not, I stand by it.

To be honest the good thing to come out of it is that I was able to revisit the word defenestration and that is one of my favourites.

This. Doing something petty to someone who has been absolutely vile is immensely satisfying. The satisfaction is priceless.

That’s bonkers!

Life’s too short. And I won’t stoop to that level.

Can understand doing/saying something petty to someone you don't like and don't need to see much, though not going out of my way to do it. More like politely correcting someone when I'm in the right, knowing it'll make them seethe. I get that satisfaction.

Really don't understand people who do petty, deliberately annoying shit in their marriages/friendships. Sounds like a shit way to live. Why are you even with each other/friends with each other if you dislike each other that much?

Generally marriages and relationships have their ups and downs. You live in close proximity to someone, you share decisions, children, money, your personal space- add to that external pressures and stresses - for most people, that can bring about friction that on occasion spills into an argument or one person feeling hard done by. Even if for the most part, you get on well as a team. It is totally normal and it’s naive to think otherwise.

Well yes obviously but if you're really a team and you actually like each other then you talk it out to resolve the frictions, you don't engage in petty tit-for-tatting. I've witnessed relationships that ended up in nothing but petty point-scoring, just an awful race to the bottom.

Surely he ruined it by responding to her peace offering with an unpleasant comment? I wouldn’t have thrown the cake away though, I’d have eaten it myself

Im with with you @FanofLeaves sometimes we get so frustrated with people you want to do something that's not directed violence at the annoying person. You've not hit them, you have not shouted at them, you've simply removed the nice thing you were trying to do for them. I think you're getting an unjustified hard time here.

If someone acknowledges that they're being petty then they are aware it's not a productive course of action, but then they don't all have to be

It makes the person feel better about not simply accepting something rude/offensive, and also sends a subtle message to the person that the slight has not been passively accepted - a warning to them against making further slights.

Some people gain a feeling of power or superiority by what can be called 'microaggressions' - slight rudeness that can be denied if confronted head-on - and the only way to show the person that you won't tolerate it is to respond in a similarly indirect/subtle way. It is common in our culture, as well as others that are less confrontational and more indirect. Japan is probably the top contender for this - there was a story of a man who knew he was being sacked from his job when he was served a meal the company knew he didn't like for lunch.

(Edited to add: this originally had a quote (this keeps happening! I think the page refreshes and loses the quote and I don’t notice…) It was in response to the PP pointing out that it was the husband who was behaving poorly about the lemon slice peace-offering that should be getting the flak, not the one who threw it out the window.)

I think this is absolutely typical of people who talk of others being ‘petty’ - what they often mean is ‘you didn’t ignore me behaving exactly as suited me’ and the other person simply responding with their own free choice of behaviour is ‘petty’.

OP, this is usually why people are ‘petty’ - they are reasserting their own personal freedom of choice/behaviour in a situation where someone is taking advantage of them. The action they are taking is small and, perhaps, somewhat insignificant, but it is at least an action they are in control of.

@FanofLeaves

Generally marriages and relationships have their ups and downs. You live in close proximity to someone, you share decisions, children, money, your personal space- add to that external pressures and stresses - for most people, that can bring about friction that on occasion spills into an argument or one person feeling hard done by. Even if for the most part, you get on well as a team. It is totally normal and it’s naive to think otherwise.

Friction is totally normal in marriages. But low level, passive aggressive punitive behaviour is not. It's corrosive.

If someone's pissed you off, tell them directly and resolve it (or not as the case may be). There's nothing to be gained from it other than a ten-minute sugar rush when you "get one over on them".

Ultimately it makes people look childish and weak.

Autistic people are just as capable of being petty. They might not see that's what they're being though.

Ah, where to start?

• An inner glow
• A feeling of taking back control
• Sense of balancing an injustice
• Schadenfreude (depending on how you do it)
• Deep-seated satisfaction
• Sense that now the other person knows what it feels like
• The feeling you are not allowing yourself to be trampled on
• Being in touch with your inner child
• Sense of relief that after years of letting things go, taking the 'high road', #bekind, you are finally letting being true to your (petty) self.

Being petty is a way of getting your own back without resorting to a full -blown confrontation, such as a fight or argument. It can be very satisfying. Yes, it's childish, but when you're pissed off, it's better than doing nothing and stewing.

None of those things are being petty in the sense OP is meaning. Upholding standards is not a petty act because the word "petty" means "small" and it's more important than that.

Who doesn't like a bit of passive retaliation from time to time.😅

The cake was a peace offering. It was part of a transaction whereby PP offers cake and her DH offers peace in exchange. Once he made it clear he wasn’t holding up his end of the bargain then PP withdrew her offer. That’s a sensible negotiation.

Throwing out of the window was a bit much, but once he kept the fight going it wasn’t his cake so she could do whatever she wanted with it.