Families that don't do anything with children

[Countryspaniel]

In my line of work I come into contact with a lot of families. Over the summer it got me thinking why some families don't do anything with children.

Why is it that some people just sit around at home day after day? I'm realistic that not everyone has money but you don't need money for a lot of things.

There are parks, community events, walking, bike rides, Picnics, library, museums etc.

I can't imagine why you would want to sit at home day after day without expanding children's experiences.

I take mine out enough (in my opinion) but understand why others in a similar position wouldn't.

I've got three DC who are 7, 6 and almost 4. My 7 and 4yo are neurodivergant. Outings require planning with military precision and atleast one other adult on hand as my eldest gets very overwhelmed very quickly on outings. My youngest runs off constantly and has no awareness of danger.

Together, their behaviour can be seen as "feral" (as once described by a lovely old chap in sainsbury's) and it attracts negative attention because they don't 'look' disabled.

Their father works 5 night shifts a week and despite being a hands on committed dad - he just can't come along to every activity.

I also have a chronic illness so I admit there are some weeks we don't get to do much at all.

I imagine there are thousands of parents up and down the country who don't find it as easy as you to jump up and go wandering around national trusts.

Side note, I've only ever seen that cited on here as something fun to do. My children would be bored shitless and therefore very likely to act up, and we wouldn't want to upset the dear national trust members, would we?

You'd soon be wishing we had indeed stayed home on the Ipads 😂

Kids need down time. It is good for them to have time to choose what they want to do, play with their friends/siblings, and sometimes get bored. That's how you learn to be creative.
There is loads of stuff you can do in a house/garden.

It’s interesting you say this.

All my favourite memories of childhood were about running around with friends, going for walks, building dens, playing games with the kids on the street.

we did go on family excursions which I enjoyed, but it wasn’t a patch on a giant game of hide and seek.

i also remember being bored.

my DC’s childhood has been far more structured. Simply because kids don’t play out by themselves any more. I’ve tried to compensate with clubs and structured activities, but I think the way we ‘do’ childhood now isn’t the best for kids

Where on earth did I say that, because I can afford it, others should be able to as well? I’ve been quite vocal on this thread about how staying in with your kids is fine, especially if times are hard.

And for what it’s worth, while we aren’t poor we also definitely aren’t rich. I haven’t bought new clothes in years. I don’t buy make up. The kids are dressed entirely in second hand clothes. The car is a second hand old banger I got from my step dad. We are lucky to have some disposable income to spend on an NT membership. But it’s not without sacrifice elsewhere.

Oh definitely with you on the one kid thing, especially if you’re lucky -and it really is luck , rather than anything else- enough (like me) to have a generally chilled /easily entertained kid.Though you’ll find a lot of people saying one is harder , because two or more entertain each other. I don’t see it, but it must be true for some.I suppose it’s all very subjective and own experience based .

I was never taken anywhere as a child or had any real interaction. DM has admitted 'it never crossed her mind', even though she never worked (more interested in her own social life). DF just wasn't interested.

So I'm the opposite with my DC (DB is the same). I lacked confidence & the ability to interact in different situations & struggled because I had no idea of life outside a tiny sphere of our rural street or school. I only found my confidence when I started travelling. I want my DC to have more.

Thing is if you don't drive, you need bus fare. I got a bargain family ticket for £75 for the summer but lots of places don't have that kind of offer. If you go out, there's also food - it seems to costs more for a packed lunch that eating in cos you naturally pack more, and then there's the constantly saying no to stuff the other kids have - bottles of pop, ice creams etc. Actually with drinkers like my 3 the hardest thing is packing enough liquid, we always have to buy bottles of pop. It can just get tiring constantly saying no to everything.

But I've been in all week with a broken ankle and my GOD I just want out. The eldest got to club via friend but I've had twin 5 year olds in all week and possibly in all next week with too much TV. I'm bored. DH has aired the kids as much as he can this weekend whilst not leaving me alone too much. They needed some fresh air. But it's also easy. No money spent. No rushing to get dressed. No haranging about suitability of outfits. We've just pootled through the day. Got a small garden, got toys, TV, computer games.

I can definitely see how some people just fall into that lug of low energy

My 2.5 and 4.5 yo are lovely out in public (even if I do say so myself). They'll watch a bit of tele at home and maybe do some painting for half an hour, but after that they get bored and start play fighting, which of course spirals into real fighting. I dread days when they're ill and we have to stay home. On days we're short of cash, we go to Stay and Play sessions or a museum or just out on their scooters to the park. I suppose there's an element of children with different temperaments being happy with different things though; I have a friend with a child who is mad on crafting and reading and doesn't really like being out in nature at all, so is perfectly content having days in. If a child is just in all day on a screen on the regular, of course that's a different story, and you're right OP - a shame for everyone involved.

Now that is really sad. Personally, I think not having access to books at home (which can include library books) is really a shame for children. I think visiting the library regularly and regularly reading books (not just listening to audiobooks) is actually more important for a child’s development than being out doing activities every day.

I think I’ve said before on here but generally speaking the only things of good quality you can get cheaply in the charity shop nowadays are children’s books. They are not as valued by society so they don’t get swept up by the resellers like the clothes and toys do. You can get brilliant titles for between 20p and 50p a book.

I used to take my dc out a lot when they were little because I could, Always took a picnic.

me and dd18 have just spent two hours visiting 3 local parks with my dgd 7 (my ds child) and having a whale of a time with her, parks quiet, nearly dark. Dgd has adhd and asd and gets overwhelmed so easily and is normally a nightmare to take out.

But I can drive. And that makes it so much easier. I went without a car for a year once, I didn’t go out much. So I don’t blame parents for not doing much with thier dc, it’s not always easy.

I think when your child gets older or if you end up having other children whose needs also need to be accommodated, you might not be so quick to point out the activities your one, very young, child does in comparison to other kids her age.

Ultimately I spent huge amounts of time and money putting them into two activities each six days a week and now they are older, I realise I didn't have to do this. Especially when competitive sports training increased in frequency so other activities had to be dropped. I wish I'd saved it towards their education.

In general though there are all sorts of reasons people don't take kids out and about. Money is a big factor along with so many other reasons.

In our house, I am (and resent being) the driving force behind organising things all the time. It feels unfair and is unfair but DH literally can't be arsed. The kids whine too much, want different things and what should be enjoyable days out, end up with stressed parents and cross kids who moan they didn't want to go.
I have booked a theme park for tomorrow and my kids went to bed shouting that it looks boring and they are sick of me choosing things that I want to do. (I absolutely despise theme parks but they love them).

I can easily see why some parents can't be bothered to be honest.

ETA Some of my worst childhood memories are of 'days out'. They comprised of driving over an hour to the beach and having a crap bbq there, eating sand covered food, and in general having a really miserable time with a very grumpy father. I still shudder when I think of them (which I try hard not to do).

My daughter has had a holiday and 4 expensive days out, followed by some cheaper local activities, went to see a relative today and she asked her what she had been up to in the holidays and she said “not much, just hung out at home”
unfortunately for the next 3 weeks she will be stuck at home as I have used all my annual leave for the year, I was starting to feel bad reading this thread but I need to work and I have no other options.

Toothfairyat230

How do you know they’re just “sitting at home” all day though? There are plenty of things to do around the home that are fun, interesting and educational. They might be cooking, growing stuff in the garden, drawing, reading , sewing, the list goes on
You could just as easily ask why some people have to be out all the time. IME it’s much easier to go out, and harder work to entertain kids at home.

This- not every child that stays at home is sitting staring at a screen- there’s children down the road from us playing chasing/ on the trampoline most of the day, our neighbour’s son is practicing football trying to make the county football team. I’ll admit we had screen addicts, but we play board games, hide and seek, they play with the dog, we play board games and we live in the country so they help in the garden. Everywhere is a drive from here and actually there’s not much anyway local to us so we have to find our own entertainment

My childhood was like that and my parents were both addicted to gambling. With my son we provide a good balance I think. Things do cost money and I suspect that’s a big factor for a lot of families. I only have one child and I complain about the cinema, ice cream vans in parks and school uniform for September! This time of year is expensive

I was so sad for one yr 5 child who loved to read but had no books at home. Her parents didn’t want to take her to the library and she was really upset about it. I approached her teacher and asked her if there’s anyway the school could provide her with any books to read over the summer holiday. I hope she got some.

Indeed. My son told a tradey he was doing “not much, just staying at home” this summer. Actually he’s been on/going on two U.K. holidays and one to the US 😂

I have two similar in age - just in case you don't already know about it, I've found "Danny Go" on YouTube to be a Godsend when they start getting twitchy for excersize and we can't get out for whatever reason. Yes it's a screen. But all the videos are action / movement games, like escaping from sharks or hunting for treasure or whatever. Mine are absolutely mad on it, to the point they'll even tidy up the livingroom without whinging, in order to have enough space to jump around in, before I put it on. Actually quite fun for an adult to do too, if you're in the right mood 😂

You could just as easily ask why some people have to be out all the time. IME it’s much easier to go out, and harder work to entertain kids at home

This is true for me. For a number of years, my kids did two activities each, six days a week. I spent my nights cooking so we could re-heat as I didn't have time to cook on the day. I spent so much time in the car and while I told them I was giving them opportunities, the truth was I absolutely hated trying to entertain them myself.
I am a better mother to older children who can chat, play computer games, read independently, practice instruments.
I was a bored mother with younger kids who had to be entertained.
So I signed them up so when they got home, they had time to eat, do homework and go to bed.
It was the only way I could get through those years.

@Countryspaniel maybe they didn't really want kids but thought they did and now can't be bothered.

Gosh this sounds quite a judgmental thread to start.
“it’s like it doesn’t occur to some people to go out”…
Well done you in creating all these amazing memories for your children.
One thing it might be worth also teaching them is empathy and thinking outside their own range of experience. There are many reasons why people may not do as you do, it only takes a little imagination to reflect on what these might be. Not sure what the point of this thread is, but well done you, you clearly have it all sorted.

“it’s like it doesn’t occur to some people to go out”…

Yes so are people without children meant to have it occurring to them to go out ? And to do what ?

I agree with this. Hashtag making memories has a lot to answer for. I do not believe that children need the constant stimulation that is provided to some of them on a daily basis. I’m not talking about holiday clubs required for parents to work but rather the constant days out whether they cost money or not. As another poster said, it’s disingenuous to shove kids in a car for a few hours on their screens to take them to some novelty location to eat the same junk food and take some pictures only to come home again and claim that it’s some enriching experience that other kids are missing out on.

I am not in this category but now my children are 10 and 7 the more things I do with them the more they expect, sometimes. What are we doing next. What are we doing when we get home. What are we doing tomorrow. When are we going home. Etc etc etc.

We are holidaying currently in the same place we have been for 3 years running and I was almost embarrassed to admit this recently because I feel like everyone else goes to a different location every holiday.

As for libraries, I’ve never taken mine to our closest library because it’s open such part time hours. I work nearly full time and the only time they are open on Saturdays clashes with my youngest’s swimming lesson, so unless I am on annual leave I cannot take the kids there at all during a normal week. They have plenty of books at home but they’d probably tell you they don’t have any 🤣

Completely agree and I think it's quite sad. I think kids are happiest when just playing in a big group of other kids. I really hope my kids get that in their childhood but it's looking less likely as people are in their own little bubbles. So we overcompensate by throwing loads of money at the problem and overscheduling them.

Depression/mental health issues aside, I think there are also families who just don't realise the benefits to their children/themselves and think it is just simply down to preference.

I had a childhood that lacked in trips out and experiences with my mum due to her depression, and having an absent father. So I do understand that. My older siblings experience was different, so it was clearly the depression. But thankfully I was included regularly in trips out with friends families and I'm grateful for that. But because of my experience it's always been really important to me to take my children out and experience as much as possible. My first child has a different father to my others and he didn't share my outlook. I was so frustrated that he never took our child out. He lived on a prom for years and never once took our son to the beach! I remember once him saying 'just because you and your partner like going out a lot it doesn't mean everyone does. It's just as normal to want to stay at home' and it finally explained to me that is all he thought it was. There was no guilt or sense of duty for providing experiences as a parent. It didn't occur to him that I don't always love trudging round museums and parks in winter with kids.

My 12 year old told me today that someone in her class has never been on holiday, not even in the UK, That blew my mind.

I get that some days out can be costly, but I brought my dd up as a single parent on tax credits and would set aside £10/month throughout the year so that for the summer holidays I had £120 to cover a couple of trips out, an ice cream at the park, a trip to the cinema etc. I'd economise each month to be able to do that, some months I skipped my own meals at the end of the month. I do think some parents just can't be bothered, sadly, and use cost as an excuse, while happily paying for Netflix, alcohol, takeaways etc, all things I could never afford.