Husband has completely ruined our weekend away

[Breezeopal]

We were supposed to be going away today in the UK for a short break with our two children (both under 4).

DH went out straight from work to see friends which had been arranged for weeks but in his words was just to be a meal and quick catch up. I had barely heard from him all evening and he didn’t reply to the couple of messages I sent after the time he said he’d be home.

At about 10pm one of his friends called me and said I would need to pick him up as he can’t get in a taxi because he had been sick and it was on his clothes. Pub about 15 minutes drive away. I said I can’t leave my two children so ended up having to call my Mum (who was in bed) to come to mine whilst I drove to pick him up.

Husband was absolutely slaughtered, it turned out he hadn’t ate anything they didn’t go to dinner and had a pub crawl instead. On the way home it started absolutely stinking and when we got home it transpired he had soiled himself!!

We don’t have a bedroom spare so he has spent the night on the sofa and is in no fit state to do anything currently- he was meant to be driving.

We were supposed to leave by 9am to make the most of day 1 which there is no chance of happening.

I feel like saying fuck it and not going at all but I want a nice time with my children so I am torn…

Honestly op, I’d cancel the weekend. Dc under 4 will enjoy themselves as much, or more, doing nothing much with you than going on a holiday. I wouldn’t be driving 2-3 hours on my own to wrangle tired, grumpy toddlers. It’s completely different when there’s two of you, and you can roll your eyes over their heads, or take turns while the other gets a few minutes peace to see something.

And on a practical level, there’s a car and now a sofa that needs a deep clean, a washing machine that probably needs disinfecting and god knows what state the bathroom is in. I wouldn’t put that off for several days because it will only get worse. Not suggesting you deal with them - obviously that’s for him to sort. But that’s the whole day gone.

And I don’t even know what it would take to put me in the mood to go away with him tomorrow.

I remember what it was like being a new and nervous driver, so I’ve sympathy with that. But the only thing that gets you over that is pushing yourself. Once you can drive, you can drive! Take this as your sign to build your own independence.

You’ve said that this is the worst that you’ve seen him, but it doesn’t sound like this is a once off. Has he let you down before? Deprioritised you and the dc in favour of friends? Is he a problem drinker?

Wouldn’t disagree. On re-reading OP’s updates it appears that the problem is not the frequency, but that when he does go drinking he doesn’t know when to stop. That in itself is a problem.

I appreciate that today is not the best time to say this, but looking ahead, you do need to get be more confident with your driving.

There may be a time when you HAVE to drive for 2 hours with your children.
Maybe you need to take some extra lessons (you only passed your test a year ago) so maybe enrol for some lessons on more motorway driving and consider driving your H's car (although I appreciate insurance may be an issue as a named driver with 1 year experience.)

I think the OP has gone away on holiday.
She's not been back since early today.

For me, this would divorce territory.
It's unforgiveable.

He was with his friends. They obviously had access to cash and a phone. They are big boys. Like fuck would I have asked my mother to come round late at night and watch my very young children so I could pick up their drunken father who was covered in vomit. I can't believe you think this is a wife's responsibility to do.

As for stinking out the house, he wouldn't have been over my threshold without cleaning up. His job to figure out how to achieve that. What kind of man turns up at the home where his children live covered in vomit and shit because he got so drunk he couldn't control himself? Why is it OP's responsibility to accommodate this? Why are his children expected to accommodate this?

Women can - and should! - have boundaries for themselves and their children. That's not the same thing as blaming them for men's behaviour.

Has there been a hint of an apology?

I find this post quite extraordinary. No man would be in my life who was capable of behaving like this. He would be history.

It’s so sad that this man’s stupidity and selfishness have prevented his kids from having a little holiday.
I was going to suggest you go without him but if you’ve not been driving long I’m not surprised it seems a bit daunting to do the journey solo with 2 kids.
Bollocks to giving him peace and quiet. Does he actually know he puked and shit himself because he can’t handle his drink or peer pressure? Revolting, I’d be making his life hell and if this is or becomes a habit just get rid of him.

He went out and got blind drunk to the point of vomiting and shitting himself. This was the night before he was supposed to drive early the next day.

He knew that due to space issues his car was needed. He also knew that OP can't take his car for various reasons.

In spite of this he chose his night out over his family break. He didn't just let OP down, he let his children down too.

OP if he often goes 'too far' with drink, and is ruining family outings and holidays, I think it's time you sat him down and told him he seriously needs to change if he wants to keep his marriage and family. He needs to get help. Or not drink with mates before an outing or holiday. Something. Anything. But it can't go on like this. He needs to get help and he needs to change. And you really need to mean it and be serious. He is ruining his family's happiness and life, and his childrens memories/childhood. Something has to give and he really needs to change or get out. This is not fair on you or the children.

Honestly you need to woman up and be able to drive long distances with your children. Get yourself more confident driving longer journeys with 2 children in the back.

She should have been calling around and got a friend or family member to go with her

Could you get a train with the children and he can follow on later? The train may be a bit of an experience for the kids and if he has drunk that much, he probably won't be fit to drive all day.

I feel like OP, you're missing the point that he CHOSE to go out and drink knowing he had an early start the next day and that his family were depending on him for the holiday. You'd already taken care of the kids so he could have a meal with his friends and now he's sabotaged his part of the equal give and take by not being able to drive. (On top of the massive stress and tiredness and inconvenience to you with staying up late, cleaning and now doing solo parenting on the weekend).

OP says the friends were getting taxis home - DH couldn’t get one because he was covered in vomit. What else was he supposed to do ? Not condoning what he did for even a second, but what else was she supposed to do other than dealing with what was in front of her ? Now is the time to put in those boundaries to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

It must be big enough for 2 tiny children and one adult for a weekend? I used to have an i10 and it would have been a squeeze but ok

Is this something simple like his car is manual and you have an auto only license?

What a pair you are! He can’t hold his drink and you can’t drive a ‘big’ car or fathom a 2 hour journey on your own. Maybe it’s best just to forget about it and try again when you’ve both grown up a bit.

No worries on that front .. OP is pandering to him, letting him recover in his own space and time 🙄 They’ll likely not even get away at all this weekend. Dh will say something along the lines of “it’s not safe for him to drive, he feels poorly, kids are young and won’t remember” … and OP will dutifully go along with it 🙄

He sounds disgusting, especially selfish when he knows you were all due to go away from the weekend, how unappealing. Its a shame you didnt feel capable of doing a 2 hour drive, your DC have missed out because of both of you really.

But what about affecting your kids holiday because of getting pissed?

A bit OTT everyone on this post has been name calling, why isolate this individual?

Haven’t read the whole thread but OP’s opener is the reason I will literally throw a party if DD is a Lesbian.

I must have read variations of this post 100 times on MN over the years: a ‘D’H goes out and gets horrifically drunk, shits, pisses and vomits over the house and OP is sat at home wringing her hands and not knowing what to do next.

The script is always the same: there are always young DC involved and the DH’s incapacitated state conveniently means he cannot take part in a planned family day or look after the DC.