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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel hurt that some women who cannot conceive seem to take it out on other women who get pregnant but never the men?

433 replies

joyjoyw · 08/08/2025 17:53

I struggled with infertility for years. It was painful, isolating, and at times it felt like my body was betraying me. Along the way, I made a few close friendships with other women who were going through the same. We bonded over the grief, the tests, the waiting, the hope.

But when I finally got pregnant, something I never even believed would happen, I was overjoyed, but also mindful. I didn’t make big announcements. I tried to be sensitive. But several of those women just cut me off, almost overnight. No explanation, no "I need space", just silence. It hurt deeply.

What confuses me is that their anger or pain seemed to be directed only at me, the woman who got pregnant not at my husband. As if I did something to them personally. As if my pregnancy was a betrayal. But the men? Never held to account. No one stopped talking to my husband.

I completely understand that grief and comparison can make people pull away. I know it's not always rational. I know what it feels like to watch others get what you’re desperately hoping for. But I never imagined that when it finally happened to me, I'd lose people I’d once leaned on.

AIBU to feel like there’s something deeply unfair about how women carry so much of this emotional fallout, sometimes even punishing each other while men walk away untouched?

OP posts:
Original poster
joyjoyw · 10/08/2025 13:25

thepariscrimefiles · 10/08/2025 13:18

Do your former friends know that you had a baby that died? If they do, I would view their behaviour in a different and much more negative light. Surely, most people would sympathise with the sheer trauma and grief from losing a baby at birth and would be pleased for you when you gave birth to a healthy baby.

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Yes they did. I nearly had a breakdown over it.

OP posts:
JHound · 10/08/2025 13:29

Maybe they just find it too painful being around a pregnant woman. It’s not like your husband will show signs of pregnancy.

I get it is painful for you but they also likely
feel pained and need to handle that in a way that works for them.

thepariscrimefiles · 10/08/2025 13:30

joyjoyw · 09/08/2025 17:11

Interestingly one has come back now she is pregnant. I will just leave her be.

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Have the other women cut her off now?

JHound · 10/08/2025 13:33

joyjoyw · 10/08/2025 12:05

You are acting as infertile women only experience pain and nothing else. Human beings are not that simple. Look at all the threads on MN of women who are bitter, resentful and jealous of other women who have had babies. I posted one in an earlier thread to make it easy for you.

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People are free to withdraw from things that cause them emotional pain.

Your responses here suggest your former friends have very good reason to distance themselves from you that have nothing to do with your pregnancy.

ZoeCM · 10/08/2025 13:37

I don't understand the part about men never being "held to account". A couple who conceive a child have done nothing wrong. What would either of them need to be held to account for?

Original poster
joyjoyw · 10/08/2025 13:40

thepariscrimefiles · 10/08/2025 13:30

Have the other women cut her off now?

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Yes they have. She got kicked out the whatsapp group like I did.

OP posts:
thisistoofunny · 10/08/2025 13:40

joyjoyw · 10/08/2025 10:31

It might not always be pain though. Sometimes it’s jealousy, sometimes resentment, sometimes just not wanting to see someone else move on. Only they know which it is.

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It doesn't matter why, they want nothing to do with you. Leave them alone.

Original poster
joyjoyw · 10/08/2025 13:42

JHound · 10/08/2025 13:33

People are free to withdraw from things that cause them emotional pain.

Your responses here suggest your former friends have very good reason to distance themselves from you that have nothing to do with your pregnancy.

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They have just done it to someone else who has finally got pregnant.

She messaged me to share her happy news yet she also cut me off. I wish her well but will not be responding.

She is very unhappy about being kicked out of the group by the 'former friends'.

OP posts:
Original poster
joyjoyw · 10/08/2025 13:42

thisistoofunny · 10/08/2025 13:40

It doesn't matter why, they want nothing to do with you. Leave them alone.

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They are being left alone.

They just kicked out another women who finally got pregnant. They want nothing to do with her either.

I guess she will be leaving them alone too!

OP posts:
Original poster
joyjoyw · 10/08/2025 13:43

JHound · 10/08/2025 13:29

Maybe they just find it too painful being around a pregnant woman. It’s not like your husband will show signs of pregnancy.

I get it is painful for you but they also likely
feel pained and need to handle that in a way that works for them.

The way that works for them is ghosting any woman who gets pregnant in the group. If that works for them, good luck.

OP posts:
thisistoofunny · 10/08/2025 13:45

joyjoyw · 10/08/2025 13:42

They are being left alone.

They just kicked out another women who finally got pregnant. They want nothing to do with her either.

I guess she will be leaving them alone too!

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So what? Not your business either.

JHound · 10/08/2025 13:47

joyjoyw · 10/08/2025 13:43

The way that works for them is ghosting any woman who gets pregnant in the group. If that works for them, good luck.

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Yes that’s what works for them.

You need to move on.

Original poster
joyjoyw · 10/08/2025 13:57

thisistoofunny · 10/08/2025 13:45

So what? Not your business either.

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I never said it was. Just relaying what happened.

OP posts:
Original poster
joyjoyw · 10/08/2025 13:59

JHound · 10/08/2025 13:47

Yes that’s what works for them.

You need to move on.

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Yes they can do whatever they wish. They are free to keep kicking out women out of the group who get pregnant,

I already have moved on. I am not responding to the woman who got kicked out like me. I have newer friends who are great.

OP posts:
Blessthismess2 · 10/08/2025 14:02

joyjoyw · 10/08/2025 13:59

Yes they can do whatever they wish. They are free to keep kicking out women out of the group who get pregnant,

I already have moved on. I am not responding to the woman who got kicked out like me. I have newer friends who are great.

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Has this thread just made you even more certain your former friends are terrible humans?

Have you reflected on any of the responses and whether you are lacking empathy, grace and a perspective beyond your own selfish feelings?

Tinnybinnylinny · 10/08/2025 14:44

Blessthismess2 · 10/08/2025 12:43

Yes I’m so sorry, I just glanced at your post and reacted to it- not cool. After I read it properly , I tried to go back and edit my reply but it was too late. apologies.

I’m sorry for what you have been through and how some of your friends have treated you. I don’t think it’s comparable to the OP.

I agree with you that being bitter and twisted is not a healthy/ good way to live one’s life, but sometimes those feelings are real and overcoming them is more than people can manage. In those situations withdrawal is simply about survival and I think it’s proper to show people who withdraw from you through pain some significant grace. Especially if you care about them and have some insight into their pain.

OP’s friends didn’t attack her- they just couldn’t support her through pregnancy and childbirth, so they withdrew.

OP can be hurt, of course, but the blame/ criticism she is throwing out is no more reasonable than if her friends posted saying they were angry that OP dared to get pregnant and tell them about it! This may in truth be the reality of their feelings , because they are hurting so much , but they presumably know, at least rationally, that OP has done nothing whatsoever wrong in getting pregnant. Likewise her friends have done nothing wrong in protecting their peace. but OP can’t even accept this rationally/ logically? Instead she seeks to blame and to judge.
Yes, perhaps her friends could have sent a message to OP explaining their feelings , but that also could have been taken as self centred/ mean/ stealing OP’s joy, etc. perhaps they felt withdrawal was the least rude/ intrusive means of simply prioritising their own peace.

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Thank you, you have put this more eloquently and hit the nail on the head.

In the long term it will hurt the women who withdraw, that is the sad thing. I totally understand protecting peace - at the same time people will always have kids/ get married/ be more successful than you/ live in a bigger house etc…..

Infertility is one of the most heartbreaking things to go through, it can ruin your life, your family and friend relationships. To be fair - I think overall the OP is coming across as somewhat tone deaf and does not appear to understand the difference between men and women, and given her responses here it’s not altogether a surprise that these women have withdrawn (if it’s how she expresses herself in real life).

Anchorage56 · 10/08/2025 14:55

joyjoyw · 10/08/2025 11:54

I am not wallowing in negativity and resentment. Just because you wonder about something and post about it does not define your whole life.

I think some of the women in my former group are wallowing in negativity and resentment though. I didn't cut anyone off who got pregnant in my circle like the others did. I was genuinely happy for them even though I was struggling to deal with the death of my child.

Another woman in the group is now getting the same treatment now she is finally pregnant. They have kicked her out of the whatsapp group. She is now experiencing the same treatment as me but then she cut others off too. Karma I guess. She has come to share her happy news with me. I wish her all the best but I not going to resume the friendship.

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I was a bit on the fence about whether people were being too harsh with you but I think calling it karma that another woman is experiencing the same as you doesnt put you in the best light. Your on here to talk about it, how you perceive it as unfair and when someone, who is now in exactly the same position as you, has reached out to you, you call it karma and you wont be resuming a friendship.

Tinnybinnylinny · 10/08/2025 15:05

SerafinasGoose · 10/08/2025 12:31

I’d like to extend some empathy to all those who have shared their experiences of infertility and infant loss on this thread - particularly in view of the sometimes callous responses you’ve received. I’m so sorry about the loss of the twins - what an agonising double whammy of grief and heartbreak. And the eventual realisation that you’ll never be a mother is incomprehensibly painful.

This was the place I had reached. I’d made other plans for living a full and productive life without children. I’d also given my DH the option of ending our marriage, because I felt I was depriving him of the chance of fatherhood because of my own inability to carry a pregnancy to term. He wouldn’t hear of it.

I lost five babies and was on a last-ditch IVF cycle, with a consolatory trip to SE Asia planned for if, as we expected, it failed.

We had our one and only child as a result of this cycle. Previous attempts after DC failed, and in the end it was DH who came to me and said he couldn’t do this anymore. Each loss felt progressively more devastating. We ended all attempts and were grateful for the family we had.

It’s not the same thing at all as accepting it will never be, but I did have one brief period of believing that this would be me. It’s something I would not wish on anyone.

As for the very idea of calling other women who faced this heartbreak bitter or twisted, that’s simply unthinkable. And when those in that situation have felt the need for distance, I could do nothing other than respect and understand their reasons and need for self-preservation. If I truly cared for them as friends, I’d actively want them to preserve their mental wellbeing.

Interesting that on this thread, that’s being couched as misogyny. Conversely, calling other women ‘bitter and twisted’ as about as misogynistic a trope as it gets.

But that is the thing, some women do become bitter and twisted, I have witnessed it. In particular I am thinking of one friend that wasn’t able to attend weddings or hear about pregnancy announcements or see pregnant women/pics of babies.

Now when she decided to go it alone and had a baby solo at, I think, 44/45. - she was contacting everyone and expecting to be welcomed back with open arms…..life just isn’t like that.

Original poster
joyjoyw · 10/08/2025 15:20

Blessthismess2 · 10/08/2025 14:02

Has this thread just made you even more certain your former friends are terrible humans?

Have you reflected on any of the responses and whether you are lacking empathy, grace and a perspective beyond your own selfish feelings?

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I don't think they are terrible humans, no. I do find it surprising that one of them who also cut me off is now distraught herself at being cut off.

I wish her well and hope she can find herself some new friends.

Like I said previously, no one can judge my empathy on one thread on MN. It is rather silly to make judgements based on that basis.

OP posts:
Original poster
joyjoyw · 10/08/2025 15:23

Anchorage56 · 10/08/2025 14:55

I was a bit on the fence about whether people were being too harsh with you but I think calling it karma that another woman is experiencing the same as you doesnt put you in the best light. Your on here to talk about it, how you perceive it as unfair and when someone, who is now in exactly the same position as you, has reached out to you, you call it karma and you wont be resuming a friendship.

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She participated in cutting me off and is now distraught at herself being cut off. Is that not karma? Don't have to call it karma then if that upsets you.

What goes round comes round. Pick the phrase you want.

I wish her well and I am sure she will find new friends once she gets over being cut off by the group.

Yes I will not be resuming a friendship with someone who cut me off and now wants to return.

OP posts:
Original poster
joyjoyw · 10/08/2025 15:39

Tinnybinnylinny · 10/08/2025 15:05

But that is the thing, some women do become bitter and twisted, I have witnessed it. In particular I am thinking of one friend that wasn’t able to attend weddings or hear about pregnancy announcements or see pregnant women/pics of babies.

Now when she decided to go it alone and had a baby solo at, I think, 44/45. - she was contacting everyone and expecting to be welcomed back with open arms…..life just isn’t like that.

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@Tinnybinnylinny some people can't seem to accept that some women will become bitter and twisted as you said.

It gets called lack of empathy here.

OP posts:
CowHeronCow · 10/08/2025 15:41

Well, you’re both outcasts from your previous situational friendship group which bonded over a single shared circumstance, so in your shoes, I’d consider the olive branch, unless you’ve got a lot else on socially.

Original poster
joyjoyw · 10/08/2025 15:41

Here is someone who feels jealous. It is not just pain some women feel:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5246485-to-be-so-awfully-jealous-of-pregnant-sil

OP posts:
SugarSoiree · 10/08/2025 15:42

God four pages of see all from OP and the last half a page has just devolved into childish well she got what she deserves so there! Type posts.

It's all just so juvenile.

CowHeronCow · 10/08/2025 15:43

joyjoyw · 10/08/2025 15:41

Here is someone who feels jealous. It is not just pain some women feel:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5246485-to-be-so-awfully-jealous-of-pregnant-sil

But why would it be allowed in your view for infertile woman to feel ‘pain’ but not ‘jealousy’? What makes one ok and one less so in your eyes? Why would you think any emotion, whether positive or negative, is ever unmixed?