To be so awfully jealous of pregnant SIL

[YourPunnyCat]

I know IABU but I want to know why I feel like this!!

SIL is pregnant, first baby in the family, due any day. And I am so so so horrifically jealous and I hate myself for it. She’s lovely, everyone is so excited and I am too but I can’t help but feel this ugly ugly jealousy.

For context I have PCOS, similar age to SIL (mid20s). She conceived by accident and found out relatively late. I am by no means trying for a baby, not financially able to and DP not ready. I’m just so scared it might not happen for me one day, I’ve never ovulated and was put on contraceptive pill for cysts and told to come back for fertility check when I’m ready for a baby.

I think the fertility worries might have something to do with it but it’s getting to the point now where I’m angry at DP for wanting to be there for his sister, angry whenever she brings up anything about baby. I hate it and wish I wasn’t like this.

Is this normal?!!!! Help me not feel like this 😭

Of course is normal to feel this way.
Don't be hard on yourself, you have age on your side and if you need fertility treatment then that's OK as their are new breakthroughs all the time.
Enjoy your time with the baby as its precious and holding newborns apparently do things to your hormones, don't worry just yet xxxx

I understand, I think, your fears about the difficulty you may face conceiving in the future.

But, your sister in laws good fortune is not any kind of indication of your possible misfortune. The two things (your sister in laws pregnancy and the possibility that you may not be able to conceive) are two very separate things.

Just because she is pregnant has absolutely no impact on your possible ability to get pregnant.

I know you’re not quite in the whole ‘infertility’ stage yet but I’ll share with you what helped when I was going through it and people around me were getting pregnant:

They are having their babies, not mine. I don’t want their baby, I want mine. Whether or not they have a baby makes no difference to whether or not I have my baby.

Just acknowledging that out loud made a huge difference to me.

i went through many years of fertility treatment unsuccessfully and struggled with other people’s pregnancies….but when the baby was born that always left me. As this was now a little person in their own right.

hopefully you feel the same when baby arrives.

I like this. Thank you

I think that you need to ask your DP when he thinks he will be ready, because realistically the longer you wait, it might not happen.

He is older than me, we’ve had this discussion and it will probably be in the next 5 years, but I’d like to start trying in 3 or 4 years time. By that point I will only be 28 so still time on my side. We need to get some savings together and buy a house first, but it’ll definitely be soon

I just feel awful at even entertaining the fact I feel so grumpy and jealous about it. I can’t handle DP bringing it up; he doesn’t know this as he’s rightfully excited for his sister. It makes me so angry that he wants to be there for her (Thinking of postponing a work trip in case baby comes), I don’t realistically understand what he can possibly do as her DB but I couldn’t ever be anything other than supportive.

He knows my fertility worries but doesn’t understand because “we’re not even trying yet” and I don’t want a baby anyway.:: YET!

I also worry it’s coming across as I wasn’t invited to baby shower, haven’t seen a lot of her during this pregnancy (secretly can’t stand MIL so that’s probably my fault for not being more involved!!) She has so many friends and her mum (MIL) who I find overbearing but she probably finds supportive. Just feeling awful about the whole thing tbh

What you are feeling is completely normal. My sis got pregnant in 2nd month of trying whilst I was struggling with years of infertility and IVF. It's was a stab in the gut as well as overjoy and love for my sis and baby. It's an undescribable feeling and you're allowed to feel this way. Don't mourn your fertility, everything is possible, I'm currently pregnant after years of going through infertility. Your partner is also doing the right thing, when your sibling is expecting a baby it is so damn exciting and you want to be there for it all.
Have you considered getting fertility checks done for some peace of mind ? I wish at your age someone had told me to get checked

Congratulations!!!
Would it be completely ridiculous to get a fertility check while taking contraception and actively not trying???

Sorry, OP.
I don't know if it's normal, I never felt jealous of someone pregnant.
More likely I kept a polite distance.
No children by choice, obviously.
You're still very young to have your own and possibly explore these fertility issues, stuff is evolving all the time.
🍀

You’re not being ridiculous it’s very understandable. I think it would actually be a good idea to get a fertility check to put your mind at rest and so that you know if there any any future potential issues.

I think it’s more normal when actually going through fertility issues, but you’re not – you’re only imagining them – so I think this is less common. I’m not saying your concerns are baseless, but there is nothing to be gained from extensively worrying about something that may not even be an issue. All you’re doing to wrecking your day to day mental health and damaging your relationships. The baby isn’t going anywhere so I think you have an obligation here to properly tackle this with some counselling.

It would be a complete waste of time and money getting a fertility check whilst on hormonal contraception.

In your position I would come off hormonal contraception and get a copper coil. Actually give your cycle a chance.

How do you know you have never ovulated? Have you ever had a period?

It's not ridiculous at all - information is power, and might help you feel like you are taking steps towards your eventual baby.

However, I would caveat that two of the big things they test for (AMH and AFC) usually come back very strong in women with PCOS, but obviously if you're not ovulating, it doesn't matter how good your egg reserve is. Fortunately PCOS is one of the more treatable conditions to have - ovulation can be induced, and we tend to respond very well to IVF it it comes to it (which it doesn't for most women).

I’ve never had a period. Was put on contraception following scans and blood tests at 18 as Id never had my period by then. Been on contraception for years now and too scared to change it; when i have the withdrawal bleed the lack of oestrogen turns me into a horrible psychopath !!! (Not joking it’s PMS to an extreme it’s horrid for me and everyone around me). Been on waitlist for gynaecology for 9 months as have had breakthrough bleeding and bleeding after sex (TMI sorry!) so thinking i need a review but been on the waiting list so long it feels pointless!

This fills me with rage.

An 18 year old who has never had a period needs proper treatment from a gynaecologist, not the pill. Putting you on the pill is basically a way of lulling you into a false sense of security by giving you a fake menstrual cycle. It's not regulating anything, it's just kicking the can down the road.

I honestly would come off the pill and wait to see whether you have a cycle. You could ask for advice on PCOS forums as well (I think there's one on Reddit) to see what other women in the same position have done.

If you want a baby one day then you need to kickstart your cycle. Even if you eventually come to the conclusion that there is nothing you can do to make yourself ovulate, and the only way you're going to be able to do that is by taking drugs that will only be prescribed when you're actually TTC, you might as well get ahead of the game now so that you can be at the top of the waiting list by the time you actually are ready to TTC.

THANK YOU!!!! Been told by so many “medical professionals” that the pill will regulate my cycle. I’m educated in a medical-related field (not practicing in the field and by no means an expert) but it’s not rocket science that giving you something that stops ovulation will somehow make you ovulate in the future?!
Bleeding after sex possible cervical ectropion was treated by a GP who didn’t even examine me..: they gave me an appointment for a years time! Which is a hospital referral in which they also do absolutely nothing and refer you from hospital to hospital.
it makes me so angry too. I’m glad it’s not just me :)

It's utterly lazy. The most charitable explanation I can think of is that if you don't want a baby right now and might never want to try for a baby, trying to figure out why you aren't ovulating isn't a priority for the NHS with its overstretched resources, but bodies are weird and wonderful and strange things happen all the time, so if you don't want a baby right now you should still use contraception, so they put you on the pill. But it just delays the moment when you have to deal with your lack of ovulation.

I think that your jealousy of your SIL is in large part due to your concerns about your own fertility and the fact that you can't do anything about it right now because you're not TTC, but you're worried that when you are ready to TTC you won't be able to. This makes you feel powerless, and jealous of someone who has had an accidental pregnancy and skipped the whole soil destroying TTC process.

Maybe if you try to figure out your PCOS in preparation for TTC in a few years' time, you'll feel better about your SIL having a baby because you'll feel like you're doing something proactive to take charge of your own fertility. But in order to do that you have to come off hormonal contraception.

I would get a fertility check now. You say you want to start trying when you’re 28 but even if you had no fertility issues, you could easily be 30 before the baby is born. If the check identifies issues then you may want to start earlier to give yourself more time, especially if you are thinking of having more than one and your DH is older (depending on how you/ he feel about being older parents). Obviously I’m not saying to start trying now but I can’t see any issues with getting the check and at least then you are making a fully informed decision on when to start.

It may help how you feel towards your SIL too as at least you will feel like you are doing something.

And FWIW I agree with the PP who says I bet as soon as the baby is here your feelings will shift as you will just be delighted with your niece / nephew.

Not related to how you are feeling, but just for information- I think if the Dr said it will regulate your cycle, they probably meant that it would give you a regular withdrawal bleed. Badly explained, admittedly. We ideally want women to have at least 4 periods a year and if women are not having that we will induce bleeding at least 4 times a year (combined pill one way of doing this, some women use the mirena or a short course of progestogen such as medroxyprogesterone 4 times per year). This is to prevent endometrial hyperplasia (thickening of the endometrium) which if not prevented/treated in the longer term is a risk factor for endometrial malignancy. It does not impact the causes of PCOS directly.

Truthfully, PCOS does have limited treatment options (not including fertility treatments here). Maintaining a normal weight can help some women, sometimes metformin can help with insulin sensitivity and thus improve fertility. There is some evidence for myo-inositol or d-chiro-inositol in PCOS- they are involved in some of the intracellular second messenger systems which have a role in regulation of a number of pituitary hormones- including FSH, TSH- as well as having insulin-sensitising activity. It’s quite complicated but if you want to know more I can point you in the direction of more information. The studies aren’t large, though, but it is something some specialists recommend to women with PCOS. You can buy supplements containing MI or DCI and they can be used with the pill.

I’m a biologist too so completely understand this, yes please to the studies. The only symptom I lack is the insulin sensitivity, never been overweight. But have accidentally lost 10kg since going on the pill but still within healthy weight.

Bleeding after sex possible cervical ectropion was treated by a GP who didn’t even examine me

Absolutely horrified by the ‘treatment’ you’ve had. How can a GP diagnose ectropion, let alone without examination? Jesus Christ.

I’m here to say that your feelings are normal but way, way, way more importantly, you absolutely need to go nuclear in advocating for your own health.

@YourPunnyCat
I’ll post some links- just to be clear, not recommended in any current guidelines and cochrane review did not find enough evidence to conclude efficacy due to few/low quality studies. Some more interest recently but I would say still small studies/lack of large multi-centre RTC’s. Nonetheless, I know some of my fertility colleagues do recommend as an “it can help some women”, is unlikely to cause harm, and some women do believe it benefitted them. I doubt it’s a miracle cure, but may help some symptoms in some women.

I’d also caution that many women with PCOS who are a normal weight still display insulin resistance, so it may be an issue for you even if your weight is entirely healthy. Which is why metformin can positively impact fertility in women with normal BMI.

2022 study

2021 study

Study

Systematic review

2017 study