to feel hurt that some women who cannot conceive seem to take it out on other women who get pregnant but never the men?

[joyjoyw]

I struggled with infertility for years. It was painful, isolating, and at times it felt like my body was betraying me. Along the way, I made a few close friendships with other women who were going through the same. We bonded over the grief, the tests, the waiting, the hope.

But when I finally got pregnant, something I never even believed would happen, I was overjoyed, but also mindful. I didn’t make big announcements. I tried to be sensitive. But several of those women just cut me off, almost overnight. No explanation, no "I need space", just silence. It hurt deeply.

What confuses me is that their anger or pain seemed to be directed only at me, the woman who got pregnant not at my husband. As if I did something to them personally. As if my pregnancy was a betrayal. But the men? Never held to account. No one stopped talking to my husband.

I completely understand that grief and comparison can make people pull away. I know it's not always rational. I know what it feels like to watch others get what you’re desperately hoping for. But I never imagined that when it finally happened to me, I'd lose people I’d once leaned on.

AIBU to feel like there’s something deeply unfair about how women carry so much of this emotional fallout, sometimes even punishing each other while men walk away untouched?

Did you not read it? I am one of them…..all the pain.

But people are always going to have children……to be bitter and twisted is a terrible way to live a life.

OP. You need a harsh wake-up call I’m afraid. Posters have responded very tactfully in the main to this screed of self-pity (this is what it is; no sugar-coating) and you have doubled down, responding with more self-pity and insistent justification of your feelings of injured resentment.

As others have gently tried to tell you, what you are experiencing is not misogyny. It’s not a sexual double-standard, and I am the first poster to jump on a sexist injustice when I see one. It’s an immutable, biological reality. Irrespective of men’s part in the process, only women get pregnant. Only women gestate. Only women give birth. This has been pointed out to you numerous times but you were rigidly disinclined to listen or see it from the other perspective, and are likely to continue in this vein now.

You are resolute that those undergoing the pain of infertility are maintaining sexist double standards, are oblivious to the pain they face, are determined to project misogynistic double standards onto their natural feelings of hurt over a tangible reminder of what they can’t have, and are insistent that they should ‘be kind’. It’s striking that those who trot out that phrase are nearly always the ones demanding kindness but least willing to extend that desired commodity onto other people. Interestingly enough it’s usually women from whom the kindness is demanded.

You’re being wholly unreasonable, which is even more unfathomable given you’ve so recently been in the same situation. You are asking too much. And I don’t know you, but your stubborn determination to be the injured party here, with no understanding of anyone’s feelings but your own, give some insight into why you are now experiencing the problems you are. You show a staggering lack of empathy, which does beg the question of whether your pregnancy is the only reason your friends have distanced themselves.

You now have a choice: to spend what should be the happiest time of your life wallowing in negativity and resentment. Or you can cherish your happiness at finally achieving what you so desperately wanted, and look forward to future female friendships made at baby groups or breastfeeding support groups. In your shoes I’d be extremely grateful that I had these options.

It’s up to you.

I think - if this is real - that it’s increasingly clear why these friends have made themselves scarce.

I have come to that conclusion too.

I am not wallowing in negativity and resentment. Just because you wonder about something and post about it does not define your whole life.

I think some of the women in my former group are wallowing in negativity and resentment though. I didn't cut anyone off who got pregnant in my circle like the others did. I was genuinely happy for them even though I was struggling to deal with the death of my child.

Another woman in the group is now getting the same treatment now she is finally pregnant. They have kicked her out of the whatsapp group. She is now experiencing the same treatment as me but then she cut others off too. Karma I guess. She has come to share her happy news with me. I wish her all the best but I not going to resume the friendship.

They are making themselves scarce to anyone who gets pregnant. They have ousted someone else in the group now.

I am beginning to see it as a good thing. I don't need that kind of bitterness in my life.

I have experienced infertility, permanent in my case. Had I been a member of a group of people with fertility issues and become pregnant, I would tactfully withdraw from that group. I would not expect them to react in the same way as friends with children or not trying to have them.

Accusing women struggling with infertility of being bitter is really quite cruel. Your empathy button obviously switched off the moment you got your bfp.

You are acting as infertile women only experience pain and nothing else. Human beings are not that simple. Look at all the threads on MN of women who are bitter, resentful and jealous of other women who have had babies. I posted one in an earlier thread to make it easy for you.

I’m at that point where I can’t believe this is a real post considering OP said she has gone through infertility herself. When I explained why my losses made me have jealous feelings of my friends with pregnant bumps she questioned why I didn’t feel that way towards the men. No 2 people feel the same way but you seriously can’t be telling me that someone who has walked the infertility park cannot understand why woman struggle to see pregnant woman. Boggles my mind.

No one is saying that if you are going through infertility that pain and sadness is all you feel. We are just trying to explain why woman have these feelings. “Bitter, resentful and jelaous” yes ok I’ve felt these feelings before when my twins died.

If this post is real, I can see why your friends blocked you :)

Men and women don’t experience pregnancy 50/50.

The most a man can do is go to scans, be at the birth and do more of the chores like housework to make life easier for the mother. I’d imagine that plenty of good dads don’t feel like it’s real until they see the scan or hold a baby in their arms. The women aren’t jealous of your husband. His body didn’t change and he didn’t feel a baby move and grow for 9 months. Their dreams of pregnancy and motherhood is from the female angle and biology means that your husband didn’t experience that.

You are absolutely right that having a baby doesn’t erase the pain that you’ve been through and that you’re better off without people who you thought had more than infertility behind their friendships.

I think this is very unkind. OP has been excluded from a friend group. Through doing nothing wrong. They are being unkind to her.

I assume it’s because they want to be a mother not a father. They want a baby growing inside them and they can’t relate to a man’s role in the process.

In a similar way, when I was going through multiple miscarriages, I found pregnancy announcements hard but seeing the actual baby not so hard as it was “their” baby at that point and I wanted to meet “my” baby.

nothing excuses actual mean or bad behaviour towards someone but I think a lukewarm reception or a bit of distance is totally understandable and normal. Especially in a situation where your entire friendship was based on a shared problem.

Yes but the jealousy and resentment are caused by/ rooted in pain.

Humans are not perfect- nor should they be required to be.

I’d like to extend some empathy to all those who have shared their experiences of infertility and infant loss on this thread - particularly in view of the sometimes callous responses you’ve received. I’m so sorry about the loss of the twins - what an agonising double whammy of grief and heartbreak. And the eventual realisation that you’ll never be a mother is incomprehensibly painful.

This was the place I had reached. I’d made other plans for living a full and productive life without children. I’d also given my DH the option of ending our marriage, because I felt I was depriving him of the chance of fatherhood because of my own inability to carry a pregnancy to term. He wouldn’t hear of it.

I lost five babies and was on a last-ditch IVF cycle, with a consolatory trip to SE Asia planned for if, as we expected, it failed.

We had our one and only child as a result of this cycle. Previous attempts after DC failed, and in the end it was DH who came to me and said he couldn’t do this anymore. Each loss felt progressively more devastating. We ended all attempts and were grateful for the family we had.

It’s not the same thing at all as accepting it will never be, but I did have one brief period of believing that this would be me. It’s something I would not wish on anyone.

As for the very idea of calling other women who faced this heartbreak bitter or twisted, that’s simply unthinkable. And when those in that situation have felt the need for distance, I could do nothing other than respect and understand their reasons and need for self-preservation. If I truly cared for them as friends, I’d actively want them to preserve their mental wellbeing.

Interesting that on this thread, that’s being couched as misogyny. Conversely, calling other women ‘bitter and twisted’ as about as misogynistic a trope as it gets.

They block anyone who gets pregnant :)

They have just done it to another woman who has finally got pregnant. She is really upset even though she participated in blocking other pregnant women too!

Agree. This is more realistic than posters insisting that it only be pain and nothing else.

Infertility can bring up a range of emotions.

I think you just need to move on now and focus on your pregnancy.

I already have moved on. I wanted to discuss it, that's all. Interestingly, I have had PMs from women going through the thing.

Yes I’m so sorry, I just glanced at your post and reacted to it- not cool. After I read it properly , I tried to go back and edit my reply but it was too late. apologies.

I’m sorry for what you have been through and how some of your friends have treated you. I don’t think it’s comparable to the OP.

I agree with you that being bitter and twisted is not a healthy/ good way to live one’s life, but sometimes those feelings are real and overcoming them is more than people can manage. In those situations withdrawal is simply about survival and I think it’s proper to show people who withdraw from you through pain some significant grace. Especially if you care about them and have some insight into their pain.

OP’s friends didn’t attack her- they just couldn’t support her through pregnancy and childbirth, so they withdrew.

OP can be hurt, of course, but the blame/ criticism she is throwing out is no more reasonable than if her friends posted saying they were angry that OP dared to get pregnant and tell them about it! This may in truth be the reality of their feelings , because they are hurting so much , but they presumably know, at least rationally, that OP has done nothing whatsoever wrong in getting pregnant. Likewise her friends have done nothing wrong in protecting their peace. but OP can’t even accept this rationally/ logically? Instead she seeks to blame and to judge.
Yes, perhaps her friends could have sent a message to OP explaining their feelings , but that also could have been taken as self centred/ mean/ stealing OP’s joy, etc. perhaps they felt withdrawal was the least rude/ intrusive means of simply prioritising their own peace.

You have also said some unfair things on your post that are hurtful to others.

Obviously cutting someone off as soon as they say they are pregnant is unfair and I agree with you on that but there has been a few things you’ve said that I would personally of ditched you for!

You don’t seem the most sensitive, I think it is probably best in the long run for you all to go your seperate ways.

Good luck on the pregnancy and I hope everything works out for you,

It is AIBU - impossible to not to say something that will hurt someone out there😂

Regarding I do not seem the most sensitive - this is one thread and does not define who I am or what my sensitivity level is.

Yes absolutely happy to go separate ways from women who are shutting out and kicking people of the whatsapp group who finally get pregnant. They didn't just do it to me. I hope they find some peace.

Good for you OP. Glad you and all those women pming got your happy ending

Do your former friends know that you had a baby that died? If they do, I would view their behaviour in a different and much more negative light. Surely, most people would sympathise with the sheer trauma and grief from losing a baby at birth and would be pleased for you when you gave birth to a healthy baby.