Breaking it to your family they aren’t invited to your wedding

[mostimportantaspect]

My DP has been married before. Church wedding, stag do, big reception etc.

I’ve never been married. I am quite anti traditional weddings. I do not need convincing otherwise about weddings. My DP is fine with it don’t worry 😂

I’ve been to many weddings which have been nice and I am happy that other people do love them as an option for them, I just don’t want a traditional wedding with guests.

I don’t want any planning, making guests lists, organising a meal or any stress relating to any other people at all.

I don’t want to share the day with other people or be stared at, taken photos of unawares, separated from my close family all day by obligations to converse with people I barely ever see. I don’t expect any gifts or involvement from others either.

As I said, this is not a personal diss or judgment about other peoples wedding choices it’s just my preference.

I have a complicated family and his is massive so it isn’t a viable option for us to have a wedding that involves anyone else apart from us and our children. If I can’t have a quiet intimate wedding with just us, then I will not get married at all. Our families all get along so it’s not an issue of whether I like them or not. I just want it to be very small and private.

DP has proposed to me in private and we are very happy and planning something exciting with our kids. I want to be married to him so something tiny is perfect

As you can perhaps guess we are being badgered by family asking about our plans and when I have tried to explain we will have a tiny private quiet wedding, they are still under the impression this means they will be invited to the tiny private part.

DP can’t decide if WABU to be vague and none committal about any wedding chat, or is it just better to let people down gently and be up front

Also AIBU to be weirded out that people like watching someone get married who is so visibly uncomfortable with the concept of being watched 😂

As PP just say you're going on holiday then get married and tell.them when you come back.
Or arrange a meal out say for one of your birthdays (you or your DC) and tell them then.
When asked - just say you've no plans right now - you are having a long engagement....
Or just distract and change the subject.
You've already told them that whenever your wedding is - it will be very small.
Your wedding you do you x
Congratulations on your engagement 💍

I'd stop talking about it. If ask just say no plans for a wedding and hopefully they'll stop asking while you save.

Please have the wedding YOU both want. It's your day.

Congratulations

I think you should definitely tell them you don’t want them there because they’re disabled.

My sister did this and I was at first a little sad i wouldn't see her get married. I did not say anything to her or anyone else.
We understood her reasons . And showed support.
Then took them out for a meal the following week. Just a nice relaxing catch up. We did get them a gift but didnt give it to them till we saw them the week after.
I was just happy to see how happy she was .

Family members don't expect to be at the birth! They do, generally, expect to be at their child's wedding

not these days, they don’t. Gone are the days of a simple choice between a traditional church wedding vs registry office. There is a world of choice with how to get married now and parents should not be making any assumptions about HOW someone should get married as there is now no expected way.

when you say family members don’t expect to be at the birth, that’s exactly my point, as despite not being in attendance at the time, family still enjoy and celebrate news of their grandchild’s birth without actually being there, even though some grandparents do attend the birth. In order to get over your disappoint at not being in attendance at any ceremony and not let that take over the happiness of it all, could you possibly view it as a happy development in the family, in te same way you would a birth, but one at which you don’t need to be there at the point it occurs, as you still get the enjoyment from the news and photographs etc?

We got married just our DC and two witnesses
It did cause some upset with in-laws not understanding why they couldn't be there .
I got the blame , because obviously their son desperately wanted his parents at his wedding,and his wicked wife stopped that happening..
Actually I tried hard to include them ,but DH didn't want them there .
It still gets mentioned,years later .
I would of had them there if I could,if only so I didn't get the blame
But you can't change the past

@FOJN This is a good reach isn’t it! I don’t want to talk about it with them, they are continually asking me. I am not creating my own drama. I got engaged to their son, I don’t owe them my wedding.

Aside from them all being physically restricted, my mum and dad don’t like each other. I don’t really have the warmest relationship with them tbh so have no obligation to them.

For anyone feeling sad about this for my parents (ie. Themselves by proxy), maybe spare a small brain cell thought for why a child would end up feeling that way? There is usually a reason

If we invite our siblings we will have to invite their children and partners and the party would be at least 30 people. This is not tiny, it’s not intimate. It is not what I want. DP’s mum would keep pressing guests on us (she did this to him at his first wedding)

I don’t want to get married in a registry office because I want to get married abroad, even if it’s not straight forward, that’s ok I can work something out. I’m not asking for any help to do that, it’s for me to do

I think people should definitely have the wedding they want but I disagree that the wedding is entirely about the bride and groom. Personally, I think weddings are about being married in the eyes of God and/or a public showing of commitment. It’s fair that people who aren’t religious see it as a legal ceremony but there is a tradition of marriage as the coming together of families and communities. I think it mirrors modern society that weddings are becoming more about two individuals than about a big (not necessarily expensive) life event followed by a big piss up.

Also, who two single people decided to elope or similar, I can see how it might be a romantic decision. But when one partner has been married before and the other hasn’t I find it bemusing that the divorcee was happy to have a ‘public wedding’ with all the bells and whistles the first time but then completely changes their opinion the second time around. Why not show the same public level of commitment to the new spouse?

Either way, don’t do what some people do and go on and on about not wanting a big wedding but expect everyone to do a big song and dance with wedding gifts and money at a ‘we are married party.’

@FOJN This is a good reach isn’t it! I don’t want to talk about it with them, they are continually asking me. I am not creating my own drama. I got engaged to their son, I don’t owe them my wedding.

Aside from them all being physically restricted, my mum and dad don’t like each other. I don’t really have the warmest relationship with them tbh so have no obligation to them.

For anyone feeling sad about this for my parents (ie. Themselves by proxy), maybe spare a small brain cell thought for why a child would end up feeling that way? There is usually a reason

If we invite our siblings we will have to invite their children and partners and the party would be at least 30 people. This is not tiny, it’s not intimate. It is not what I want. DP’s mum would keep pressing guests on us (she did this to him at his first wedding)

I don’t want to get married in a registry office because I want to get married abroad, even if it’s not straight forward, that’s ok I can work something out. I’m not asking for any help to do that, it’s for me to do

Book your overseas wedding. Tell them all about it and how it’s just you. But tell them a different location to the one you’re going to, and don’t tell them the exact day of the wedding. Then, any surprise guests won’t be guests of yours 👍🏼

@Spookyspaghetti I am not religious and it would be wrong for me to fake this for a pretty wedding. DP is not religious but to make his parents happy, had a religious wedding. It is me who doesn’t want a big wedding and don’t think he doesn’t love me or isn’t proud of me, and is hiding me, that’s really sad and awful you would suggest that? What does this say about you!

@Spookyspaghetti I am not religious and it would be wrong for me to fake this for a pretty wedding. DP is not religious but to make his parents happy, had a religious wedding. It is me who doesn’t want a big wedding and don’t think he doesn’t love me or isn’t proud of me, and is hiding me, that’s really sad and awful you would suggest that? What does this say about you!

OK this one is quite good (obviously, the Prosecco is beginning to work now).

'Tell them that they couldn't be there because it was a shotgun wedding, otherwise he would have never proposed, let alone married you. You borrowed the gun from a Sarf London gangsta boyfriend of a friend who needs to remain anonymous otherwise they've said they'll kill you both... You would have loved to have had the whole family there, but technically that would have made them an accessory to a crime.

You can't say any more as your lawyer has instructed you not to talk and to answer everything with, 'no comment.'

DH and I got married alone. We told everyone upfront and clearly. I think our parents would have been more upset if we’d hidden it.

We said we didn’t want an event, we just wanted to do it quietly and we repeated over again when asked. Once they were used to that idea, they all got on with it and were happy for us. We had a few nice celebratory meals with different family members after the event so they didn’t feel too left out.

I agree it is your wedding and you should be allowed to do as you please. That said, I would also understand if your family are a bit upset if they learn of the reason you don't want to have them at your lovely quaint wedding (assuming they have brought you up, be there for you when you were ever in need, have generally given you a happy life - a bit like what you are doing for your DC).
Karma is a well oiled machine, be careful!
PS you can always have a relatively cheap all welcome engagement / post wedding party. Or else, call your trip abroad Honey Moon Wedding - no reasonable person would expect to be invited to that!

It’s because you’re telling them about it, in real life and here. If you don’t want a discussion, don’t start one 😊

You're still not getting it!

Actually in my case there is a kind of equivalence in that I knew when my DD went into labour, as her waters broke when I was with her. I spent the time she was in hospital (it was a VERY long labour), as stressed as anything. I didn't expect to be anxious, but I really was. I'd far rather not have known she was in labour, and just got the phone call saying me first granddaughter had been born!

So yes, I feel the same about a wedding that I'm not going to be present at. Tell me when it's over!

What an awful thread You don't want your parents there as they're disabled and 'require too any adjustments'.

Seriously, why on earth didn't you just do it all quietly and present them with the done deal afterwards. Just perhaps not worn the engagement ring they'd have been none the wiser?

You've created a massive drama, they'll all be hurt you've just to live with that. What a way to stay married life, congratulations!

Get married privately, just you and your children. You'll need a couple of witnesses if the children are under age. It would be nice to have a photo taken.

Tell your families afterwards. You say they all get on so maybe you can have an informal party or something. Or nothing, your choice.

All will be well. Good luck.

Just ask for some witnesses on Mumsnet and job done.

My friend and her partner did something similar. They've been together for over 20 years but have never wanted a wedding and they're not keen on the traditional concept of marriage. However, when civil partnerships became an option for straight couples, they had a civil partnership ceremony for legal reasons. I think they had two witnesses, but no guests or celebration of any kind - to them it was just a legal formality.

When my friend explained it to me, I wasn't at all hurt that she had neither invited me nor told me about it at the time.

However some people would view that relationship between you and your mother as controlling and verging on dysfunctional. If that’s the way it is in your social circle/culture then I guess that’s the way it is. It just keeps making me think of the old BT adverts with Maureen Lipman 😆 Some people may see that level of involvement over a wedding as love and are happy to just fo along with it to make their mother happy , others view it as overbearing and stifling. I’m in the latter camp I guess.

Just elope!

It sounds like you’re enjoying the drama that this is causing. Just say you don’t know what you’re doing yet, which isn’t a lie, but there won’t be any guests as it’s not what you want. No need for drama from your side at least. If they try to cause issues, just calmly explain your reasons.

Some friends of ours didn’t have guest but didn’t make the drama that you are. The grooms family were a bit disappointed but they knew both bride and groom were quiet, no fuss type people, so once they were used to the idea, it was all fine.

We didn't tell anyone we were engaged because we knew we wanted to elope 😆 we had our perfect day and most importantly we are now very happily married. Its your day so make sure its what you and your DP want.