Breaking it to your family they aren’t invited to your wedding

[mostimportantaspect]

My DP has been married before. Church wedding, stag do, big reception etc.

I’ve never been married. I am quite anti traditional weddings. I do not need convincing otherwise about weddings. My DP is fine with it don’t worry 😂

I’ve been to many weddings which have been nice and I am happy that other people do love them as an option for them, I just don’t want a traditional wedding with guests.

I don’t want any planning, making guests lists, organising a meal or any stress relating to any other people at all.

I don’t want to share the day with other people or be stared at, taken photos of unawares, separated from my close family all day by obligations to converse with people I barely ever see. I don’t expect any gifts or involvement from others either.

As I said, this is not a personal diss or judgment about other peoples wedding choices it’s just my preference.

I have a complicated family and his is massive so it isn’t a viable option for us to have a wedding that involves anyone else apart from us and our children. If I can’t have a quiet intimate wedding with just us, then I will not get married at all. Our families all get along so it’s not an issue of whether I like them or not. I just want it to be very small and private.

DP has proposed to me in private and we are very happy and planning something exciting with our kids. I want to be married to him so something tiny is perfect

As you can perhaps guess we are being badgered by family asking about our plans and when I have tried to explain we will have a tiny private quiet wedding, they are still under the impression this means they will be invited to the tiny private part.

DP can’t decide if WABU to be vague and none committal about any wedding chat, or is it just better to let people down gently and be up front

Also AIBU to be weirded out that people like watching someone get married who is so visibly uncomfortable with the concept of being watched 😂

We got married in a registry office. Just us 2 and 2 of our siblings as witnesses. No hassle at all.

You need to be clear about what your plan is and then just tell them, so that they are under no illusion and have time to get over themselves. We got married with just our children and two witnesses. Our families weren't over the moon about it, especially the mothers, but they held their counsel and enjoyed the big party we had afterwards, and didnt create a fuss. Some of your family are going to be disappointed but that is for them to deal with not you. But dont do it in secret, be upfront from the get go.

I don’t believe in karma it’s not real so trying to scare me with that isn’t going to get far

In the end it is your wedding!
Tell them you are fed up with the questions...you aren't getting married for years but will let them know when you do.

In the meantime just plan a holiday, don't tell anyone including, the kids, that you are getting married there and just do it.

We’re not Jewish but Maureen Lipman in the BT ads is pretty much spot on 😂. Yes I suppose some people might see it as coercive. It is, I guess. But I could have said no at any point and my wishes would have been respected (with a bit of grumbling). I just wouldn’t have wanted to deny her. She was/is the best mum. It’s all water under the bridge now in any event, life goes on.

If they get upset then they will get over it and if they don't that is entirely their issue. Nobody is owed a wedding invitation, especially when nobody else is invited either.

However, everyone I know who have eloped has had a registry wedding in the UK before. Then they do a second ceremony abroad but the legal part is done in the UK. You might want to research that first so that you, who don't want a fuss, don't end up having two weddings. Some countries don't allow non-residents to marry there and other do, but the UK doesn't acknowledge the marriage as legal.

Errr well I was actually the relative that eloped and told everyone about it afterwards, to avoid hurting their feelings with 'there's a wedding but you're not invited' messaging.

Alien Abduction. Works every time. You woke up and you were married! Up to you if you want to go into if you were probed or not. Flash the ring and tell everyone you think the stone might be white Kryptonite...

Quite often people have parties to celebrate their big birthday or anniversary but their actual birthday is on a different day. I don’t see the difference between that and a post-wedding ceremony party in terms of gift giving . I wouldn’t choose not to take a birthday gift to the birthday party because the actual birthday was last week. I’m happy to give someone a wedding gift even if they got married abroad or had no guests in this country. The gift is for the bride and groom, it’s not a transactional thing that people simply give in return for attending a big traditional wedding.

a party is a few hours in an evening. A big wedding is all day and a lot of stress, organising and expense. Some couples don’t even want the celebration party but feel forced to do it as a compromise to try to appease all the hand-wringing older relatives who seem so upset that they couldn’t attend a traditional wedding. I didn’t want one but felt forced into it after we announced plans to get married abroad. I hated the whole thing and regret holding it to appease relatives.

Exactly what I'd do. Plus I never really understand long engagements post kids - either you want the benefits of marriage in which case why don't you want those benefits now, or you don't in which case why bother at all? Obviously each to their own though.

My cousin did the whole get married and don’t advertise it thing. It was disappointing but I would never have said anything other than “Congratulations!” to them!

Do what you want.

You are the weird one with all this coyness and secrecy. You should have just gone and got married and not bothered to tell anybody if it's going to be that private. You sound awful.

Honestly go on holiday get married and tell them when you get home.
job done

Your problem is that you call what you are going to have “a wedding “, a tiny wedding but nevertheless a wedding. And you are discussing plans with kids so obviously it all sounds exciting and family want to get involved.
You have to rephrase it somehow and exclude word “ wedding” from the situation. At the moment you are going to have one and none of the relatives are invited which is up to you but it does sound sad for them.

When you say something fun afterwards for the kids, are you going to a trampoline park or Alton Towers in your wedding dress?

See, this isn't quite true. Weddings aren't just about a bride and groom. Rightly or wrongly they are cultural institutions with traditions and meanings that have evolved over thousands of years, in our society they are meaningful. You can choose to avoid all norms around them but don't be surprised that your family and friends have valid expectations that you are (for equally valid reasons) not meeting.

Just tell them you aren't having a wedding, you are getting married abroad with just your children present.

Having been though this, if you are determined to go ahead, do it in secret and present it as fait accompli. We wanted the same as you, but stupidly told our families of our plans and the fallout was immense. Both sets of parents wailing "but we were always good parents to you?" "how can I face my friends" "do you hate us" etc etc, so much so that we agreed to also have a family-only church blessing plus meal a month or so later (which was as hideous for us as you might imagine). I still don't think my parents have forgiven me. They were genuinely devastated.

In hindsight, I would have definitely have done it first, and then told them. It was them being aware that the wedding was happening without them that was so hurtful.

You see it as nothing more than a legal formality - fair enough, your prerogative - but lots, probably the majority of people who get married view things a bit differently and do think it's a significant event. If not, why do it? As you say there are alternatives.
I'm surprised that anyone is surprised that parents might be upset about not being included in their offspring's weddings. I think most people would want to share what is hopefully a joyous occasion with their loved ones and be upset if they can't. That upset doesn't obligate the couple to change their plans of course but surely it isn't rocket science to understand why parents and other close relatives who are not invited might feel sad? The couple have every right to expect their parents to respect their decision but they can't make them like it.
I don't think the OP and her fiancé should invite their parents if they don't want to but I think they are very naive if they don't expect that to hurt their family members. How they handle that is their business but it will have to be addressed at some point.

He proposed to me and I didn’t have time to plan or save up before it happened!

Also he has said these things too, so it’s not just me. He also brought up their physical abilities limiting our options. We would have to rule out anywhere with stairs, a hill or anywhere that doesn’t have close car park. Neither does he want to be trapped with all of our relatives for 2 weeks on a holiday. They are fussy eaters, don’t like the heat etc so they wouldn’t enjoy it. If I was forced to I would do the legal side here but ask them not to post photos of me and also not force us to invite all their other relatives. It would get out of hand very quickly. I’m not sure they would respect our wishes and the whole thing could end up costing us a fortune for something we didn’t even want

I wouldn’t even wear a wedding dress. Hopefully we will be somewhere hot and will go do something cool and unforgettable. Lots of options.

You're not being selfish for wanting the type of wedding that YOU want.
Do it.
I got married abroad, just us 2.
Woah that fall out with my parents over it, my mum literally did not talk to me for a year!! It was as is what I was doing was the most evil thing in the world. The guilt trip I got over it, and then worse when I still went through with it!
It was amazing, and brilliant fun. I hate traditional weddings, so boring. I had the best day. It's your day, only you need to be happy with it.
If I'd done it again, I would have not told them beforehand. Would have been better as a surprise, because they tried their hardest to change our mind and put us through a lot of unacceptable upset.

I wouldn’t even wear a wedding dress. Hopefully we will be somewhere hot and will go do something cool and unforgettable. Lots of options.

If you want to lessen the drama, tell them you’re having a private ceremony in a registry office for now and you’re going to have a party later when you’ve saved up for it. Then just never have the party.

Book a nice "surprise holiday" with the kids (and anyone else you want) tie the knot whilst there.