Breaking it to your family they aren’t invited to your wedding

[mostimportantaspect]

My DP has been married before. Church wedding, stag do, big reception etc.

I’ve never been married. I am quite anti traditional weddings. I do not need convincing otherwise about weddings. My DP is fine with it don’t worry 😂

I’ve been to many weddings which have been nice and I am happy that other people do love them as an option for them, I just don’t want a traditional wedding with guests.

I don’t want any planning, making guests lists, organising a meal or any stress relating to any other people at all.

I don’t want to share the day with other people or be stared at, taken photos of unawares, separated from my close family all day by obligations to converse with people I barely ever see. I don’t expect any gifts or involvement from others either.

As I said, this is not a personal diss or judgment about other peoples wedding choices it’s just my preference.

I have a complicated family and his is massive so it isn’t a viable option for us to have a wedding that involves anyone else apart from us and our children. If I can’t have a quiet intimate wedding with just us, then I will not get married at all. Our families all get along so it’s not an issue of whether I like them or not. I just want it to be very small and private.

DP has proposed to me in private and we are very happy and planning something exciting with our kids. I want to be married to him so something tiny is perfect

As you can perhaps guess we are being badgered by family asking about our plans and when I have tried to explain we will have a tiny private quiet wedding, they are still under the impression this means they will be invited to the tiny private part.

DP can’t decide if WABU to be vague and none committal about any wedding chat, or is it just better to let people down gently and be up front

Also AIBU to be weirded out that people like watching someone get married who is so visibly uncomfortable with the concept of being watched 😂

juat go to Vegas and marry there - tell them after. You are making this far more complicated than it needs to be tbf. You don’t what anyone to come - fine. Why not just own it and tell them you don’t what them to come? And tell them the reason why.

Copenhagen cost my DD €300 for the whole thing and was very easy to book, she did it all online and they just turned up on the day. Witnesses supplied if you need. The inside of the town hall is surprisingly photogenic!

I disagree with most of the advice here about eloping etc

I would be clear but firm up front. Tell family on both sides that you are united in a tiny wedding, and by 'tiny' you mean just you and the kids. Tell them you HATE the idea of anything bigger and whilst you understand people might be disappointed to not be invited - you would be more disappointed at having a wedding that you didn't like and made you uncomfortable.

I would also say that you are probably going to travel and have been considering venues that will be difficult for some relations so it also seems fairest to do it this way.

It's not personal.
It's across the board - nobody is being 'left out' because everybody is being 'left out'.

Tell them you trust that they will understand that you love them all very much

Then
Do
Not
Budge

Smile and wave.

She sounds charming! Let's hope she never has that misfortune after she's taught her kids how little disabled family matter.

we want to go abroad so would save up and that takes time
I know there are nice registry offices I just don’t want to get married in one

Then just go “on holiday” and come back married. They can’t try to force their way in if they don’t know it’s happening.

Respectfully you’re not having what they think of as a ‘wedding’ you’re having a commitment ceremony or a family celebration.

stop talking about it to them (or engaging with more than a ‘that’s nice’ when they try and talk to you about it) and do your thing. Then tell them when it is done.

however I agree with those who say they care would you be happy with hosting a party of some sort so the family can celebrate at a separate time?

that way you get what you want they get to celebrate and have that big family get together……

Exactly the same here OP! DH married, short marriage, traditional wedding. I never wanted the fuss. We literally went to a registry office with 2 friends as witnesses. Told them after and had a party a few months after. My parents still haven’t forgiven me, but I have absolutely no regrets.

YANBU it’s your personal choice.

I think I’d be quite heartbroken if it was one of my children though. I take it extending the small affair to directly your children and parents is out of the question?

This. I had a friend who got married and she dropped a hint and I said oh are there wedding bells, and a few days later I got a photo in the post of the (very small) wedding (she lived and lives overseas) and said yes the wedding bells have rung.

I think she did have some family there but only parents and brother and maybe his plus one.

My DH's brother and his wife did this - they simply told the family after the event. It did not go down well with MIL but they are just poles apart in personality - she was matriarch of a big inclusive family who never miss an opportunity for a get together. Whereas SIL is an intensely private person. It was a jolt for DH that his brother hadn't shared such a major thing with him, but he understands why.

I can see where you are coming from. Make sure you get a nice photo of your wedding to share and have a polite but firm story ready. Then it's only one battle rather than a succession of them. Would you be up for a more relaxed family celebration a month or so later so people can still wish you well? And hopefully mend a few bridges.

Weddings just grow legs these days and before you know it you are 1000's in debt and organising a weekend of events for 100 people half of whom are practically strangers.

We eloped we just did it and no one else had a day in the matter

YANBU it's your day, do it your way. 😁

So then I cannot have the wedding I want, so I would have to give up my vision to have one I don’t want, to make other people happy

Of course OP. You're female, you have to #be kind and do everything for the sake of your family. You don't get to do what you want.

However, if it going to take a while to save up for the overseas wedding and you can't manage the stress, it might be better to quietly get married in a registry office (or do a civil partnership if you prefer) and then it's done, they can't attend because it has happened, and then you can save up for the dream honeymoon.

Just do whatever you want to do. We went to the registry office with our sons and 2 old friends and the next day we had a bit of a house party. Weddings have become ridiculously expensive and over the top

How do you think they would feel if they knew you had just tolerated it all? I would be so upset if my son just went along with something I’D planned for them just because they thought it was what I wanted, and they weren’t particularly enjoying it. That would feel so so wrong to me. And selfish and controlling of ME as a parent. It isn’t how family celebrations should work at all.

I understand that in some families or cultures it’s all about the “show” of the wedding, for the bride and groom’s families. How big a spread they can put on, how much they can wow all the extended family and Sue and Jim from down the road with the venue or the food. They enjoy having it talked about. Seems a totally wrong dynamic to me.

Will you have to get married in a registry office anyway to do the legal bit if you are having a destination wedding?

If you are having such a tiny wedding why is it taking so long to plan?

That’s simplistic and unfair. OP wants her wedding in a wild/unusual location and to spend her wedding day focussing on herself and her DH, not constantly fretting about manoeuvring parents and grandparents. She is allowed to do things and go places her entire family can’t access.

That’s simplistic and unfair. OP wants her wedding in a wild/unusual location and to spend her wedding day focussing on herself and her DH, not constantly fretting about manoeuvring parents and grandparents. She is allowed to do things and go places her entire family can’t access.

Family members don't expect to be at the birth! They do, generally, expect to be at their child's wedding. So that's a false equivalence.

And of course I've already explained that I know it's not logical. But I've said that I'd prefer to be told that they've got married after the fact, and I suspect that many mothers would feel the same. Knowing in advance that you're not being invited, isn't a positive, so imo I think OP would be well advised to tell them once the wedding is done, rather than in advance.

We just did it quietly and told everyone afterwards. Almost everyone was delighted for us (except my mother, but she'd have complained/been hurt regardless of what we'd done -partly why we eloped)!

I recommend just bugging off and doing it, then telling people afterwards...it saves so much drama.

It's always best to tell them after the event.

Pick your timing carefully, like:
(a) while running for a bus;
(b) at the dentists, before a tooth extraction;
(c) just about to go into a tunnel.

Keep your message clear and succinct, like:
(a) 'I got married'
(b) 'I won the lottery, but I've spent it all now;'
(c) 'Last night while you were sleeping I ate the whole box of chocolates your workplace gave you as a leaving present.'

Should they ask too many questions use distraction tactics, like;
(a) 'Sssssh! Can you hear that? Isn't that an emergency alert siren?'
(b) 'Isn't that Brad Pitt over there?
(c) 'OMG, My water has just broken!

Anything they say, response with a question, like
(a) Are you married?
(b) Scrambled or Sunny Side up?
(c) Do you think Rachel Reeves has got a clue?

If things get too difficult, feign confusion and reply:

'I'm sorry, I think you've got me confused with someone else. I'm actually an orphan.

Just say you plan to elope. You'll all know when we've done it!

They knew exactly how I felt about it at the time! My mum thought I was being ridiculous, surely a woman’s greatest achievement in life is getting married 🙄. But she’s my mum and she knows me. She knew I wanted her to be able to return favors; she knew I wanted her to have what she wanted at her one and only daughter’s wedding; she knew I knew she wanted to see me all dressed up and wearing make up and looking “pretty”. She was happy to take it all 😂. (That was the one and only time in my life I wore foundation on my face, and I don’t let her forget it 😂).

My MIL was bemused, I’d say, that her PFB has ended up with a woman who doesn’t value parties and dinners and weddings and big christmases etc etc etc. In the early years she took it personally, the he chose someone so different from her. But she knows me now and we laugh about it.

It’s not like I had a sour face the whole time. I’m not socially incompetent: I’m very socially competent, had been there and done that and was and am now even more just bored of it all. It’s unimportant stuff to me, meaningless fripperies. But to each their own. They’re harmless enough, in the main.

It’s your day op and I say book what you and future husband want and have a fabulous time. I got married abroad just 2 of us and don’t regret a thing. Apart from not going for 3 weeks lol

I’m a wheelchair user.

If someone was deciding FOR ME what I can agd can’t do, I’d be pretty pissed off.
If my dc was getting married and was annoyed I’d want to attend their wedding because I’m in a wheelchair, I’d be extremely hurt. However, I hope I’d have brought them up better than that.

Youre saying you want a tiny wedding but still haven’t explained what it means apart from the fact your dint want your elderly, disabled parents to be there.
Tbh it reads to me as if you dint really get on with any of them and resent them for curtailing your choices by daring to need a wheelchair and be old.
I think you’re going to struggle to find a way to explain that to anyone wo hurting them.