Breaking it to your family they aren’t invited to your wedding

[mostimportantaspect]

My DP has been married before. Church wedding, stag do, big reception etc.

I’ve never been married. I am quite anti traditional weddings. I do not need convincing otherwise about weddings. My DP is fine with it don’t worry 😂

I’ve been to many weddings which have been nice and I am happy that other people do love them as an option for them, I just don’t want a traditional wedding with guests.

I don’t want any planning, making guests lists, organising a meal or any stress relating to any other people at all.

I don’t want to share the day with other people or be stared at, taken photos of unawares, separated from my close family all day by obligations to converse with people I barely ever see. I don’t expect any gifts or involvement from others either.

As I said, this is not a personal diss or judgment about other peoples wedding choices it’s just my preference.

I have a complicated family and his is massive so it isn’t a viable option for us to have a wedding that involves anyone else apart from us and our children. If I can’t have a quiet intimate wedding with just us, then I will not get married at all. Our families all get along so it’s not an issue of whether I like them or not. I just want it to be very small and private.

DP has proposed to me in private and we are very happy and planning something exciting with our kids. I want to be married to him so something tiny is perfect

As you can perhaps guess we are being badgered by family asking about our plans and when I have tried to explain we will have a tiny private quiet wedding, they are still under the impression this means they will be invited to the tiny private part.

DP can’t decide if WABU to be vague and none committal about any wedding chat, or is it just better to let people down gently and be up front

Also AIBU to be weirded out that people like watching someone get married who is so visibly uncomfortable with the concept of being watched 😂

She doesn't want them there because they are disabled and she doesn't want to be limited by them.

Find your ideal location, just the two of you, have strangers as witnesses, enjoy YOUR day. Have a party for everyone later if you want. Marriage is a contract between two people. Everyone else is just audience to the contract.

God I could have written that post pretty much word for word. My solution ten years down the line is we just never did get married 🤣🤦🏻‍♀️🙈

You're overthinking this big time. Just get married - you, DP and the kids + 2 witnesses (unless the kids are old enough to be witnesses). We got married after 27 years together, our 2 kids (21 and 22) were witnesses. We told no one - including family - until 18 months later. It can be as complicated or as easy as you make it.

Honestly I’m with you, when my mum said she’d like to come to my wedding abroad I gave her the details to hotels close by and said pick one of these as we don’t want to share our honeymoon. lol people will think that’s awful but she didn’t mind. We met up for a few meals and obviously they came to our wedding. Was happy for her to be there but if it had just been the two of us that would’ve have also been amazing.

Just be honest, it’s going to be abroad, you’re not paying for guests, just the immediate family. Would love to celebrate when you get back but the day itself is just for you and DH, then thank them for understanding. If they say actually I’m not happy about that, just say oh that’s sad as we’re really excited to do it this way and you don’t want to upset anyone but a traditional wedding isn’t something you can get on board with

First post nailed it, as is often the case.

OP just mmm hmm their questions, save up, go where you want, and tell them when it’s done. They will probably get bored of asking after a while.

Of course YANBU to have exactly the wedding you want. Definitely don't give in to pressure or expectations and just do it in the way it suits you.

However YABU to leave your families stringing along. You have to make it totally clear to them that NOBODY is invited and you are doing it just the two of you. Be absolutely up front with no room for misunderstanding, take the fallout, then stand firm.

Can’t you just say the next time they bring it up, we have decided to get married abroad with just the kids. No other guests. When they are all sad and whyyy, say kindly but firmly, because it’s our wedding and this is what we want.
they can hardly gatecrash your beach in Fiji or wherever can they, if they have mobility issues?
if they keep going on about it, repeat, it’s OUR wedding and this is what we have decided. There will be no further discussion. Please stop bringing it up, I’m starting to feel very harassed and upset.

One of the reasons my mum doesn't know I got a civil partnership is the whole "biggest day of my life" I would have gotten from my mother. Legally formalising our relationship was nowhere near any of my biggest days of my life nor was it the happiest day of my relationship, it was just a day where we signed a piece of paper. It's this rhetoric that makes me really hate weddings. I have cringed through so many wedding speeches when this spiel is mentioned. I would much rather a relationship where every day can be the happiest and every day we consider and appreciate one another. I am proud of the mother and partner I am and of my partner and the father he is. His actions speak louder than the words in some people's wedding speeches and my mum is there to witness them.

There is no way of telling them beforehand without causing ructions. There will push back, guilt trips, emotional blackmail etc.

You will still get that if you dont tell them until afterwards but at least by then you have had the wedding you want.

Frankly I wouldnt want to have the whole family there if I was having a destination wedding combined with honeymoon, hardly romantic with all your parents hanging around! Wasnt that originally the point of destination weddings, not having other people there?

I think you are making this worse than it needs to be.

You want a wedding at X - which just happens to be totally unsuitable for extended family.
You tell them you are getting wed at X. Explain its immediate family only.
Get on with it.

You know they'll want to come. Loads of parents like to see their children get married whether its a first wedding or a fourth. Its not weird or unusual.

The difficulty is that you arent prepared to make it completely clear what your plans are. No wonder they are asking questions.

I completely agree with you OP, me and my partner have already said we will elope as neither of us want to be centre of attention. The idea of paying a fortune for a day we wouldn’t enjoy to please others is madness.

just tell the families you are thinking of eloping abroad and that you may have a family meal when home to celebrate (this bit can just never happen if you don’t want).

Whether relatives are disabled or not is irrelevant as you want a small wedding anyway and didn’t want them there anyway.

Dont sacrifice your own happiness for something people feel they are owed.

THIS! It's exactly what we did. Zero regrets.

I wouldn't do this because the next thing is "0h we'll pay" or they pay as a lovely surprise like the bride who got a videographer she did not want.

I disagree
My DS got married and I knew a week later
They had the wedding they wanted, I gave them both a hug, asked them if they wanted anything as a gift, they'd had their eye on a beautiful rug, I bought it and that was that

They did it their way and I'm happy that they had the wedding that they wanted and not for anyone else

its not immediate family only, its them and their kids only. "Immediate family" is open to misunderstanding especially by those who want to misunderstand.

Dont lie. Tell them up front that there will be just the two of you to your wedding.
That way they wont be making any plans (new dress, etc)

I’m glad I kept reading. I was going to say that not including just your parents can end up really hurting feelings. Just 4 (ish depending on complicated families) people in attendance can make the world of difference to family happiness.

them I got to the part about disabilities. If you care that much about your wedding that you don’t want to make adjustments for disabled parents, then you are just going to have to deal with the family anger that is coming your way.

This is almost exactly my story too. I HATE weddings. They’re a complete waste of time and money, totally disproportionate to the occasion. What matters is every day of the marriage that ensues - and yes both things can matter at the same time, but for someone who doesn’t do parties ever, weddings for me are boring and (for my weddings) stressful and irritating.

But I had two (different countries) for my family and DH’s. I offloaded as much of the work as I could, gave DM and MIL free rein to organize to their hearts’ content, and did it. And I have no regrets. Everyone had a good time - I didn’t have a good or bad time, I just had a time. It made them happy. Many many years on now it still gives them good feelings and I’m so happy I was able to do that for them. It was half a day for me, decades of good memories for them. My marriage has been for me and DH every day since.

Well then they can say them and kids are the only ones attending.

I’m not from the UK so could be wrong, but aren’t most abroad weddings not legal and most people do the legal/registry office either before or after the “wedding”?

If I were you, I’d go get married at the registry office and tell your family’s afterwards that you’re already married. Then they’re not hassling you for an invite and you can head overseas with your kids on a holiday and have the wedding you desire.

Honestly just tell them. No one cares anywhere near as much as you think they do. Eloping, having a registry office wedding, a private wedding with just witnesses…none of these are novel ideas. Millions of people do them. You really don’t have to make a meal out of it. Literally just say, we’re planning a day with just us and the kids. That’s it. No drama. Not a big deal. At all.

I think you need to sit the parents down and say. We are eloping it will just be us and the children.
Then let the dust settle, over time you may be able to discuss the wedding details

Have the wedding you want and remember its better to ask forgiveness than permission!

Completely untrue. Most abroad weddings are 100% legal. You bring all the documents you would if you were getting married in your home country and you get a wedding license/certificate from the country you married in. The rules are different in different countries regarding documentation required and how many days you have to be in the country before you can legally marry there but it’s 100% as valid as getting married in your home country.

Scottish and married in Italy.