Breaking it to your family they aren’t invited to your wedding

[mostimportantaspect]

My DP has been married before. Church wedding, stag do, big reception etc.

I’ve never been married. I am quite anti traditional weddings. I do not need convincing otherwise about weddings. My DP is fine with it don’t worry 😂

I’ve been to many weddings which have been nice and I am happy that other people do love them as an option for them, I just don’t want a traditional wedding with guests.

I don’t want any planning, making guests lists, organising a meal or any stress relating to any other people at all.

I don’t want to share the day with other people or be stared at, taken photos of unawares, separated from my close family all day by obligations to converse with people I barely ever see. I don’t expect any gifts or involvement from others either.

As I said, this is not a personal diss or judgment about other peoples wedding choices it’s just my preference.

I have a complicated family and his is massive so it isn’t a viable option for us to have a wedding that involves anyone else apart from us and our children. If I can’t have a quiet intimate wedding with just us, then I will not get married at all. Our families all get along so it’s not an issue of whether I like them or not. I just want it to be very small and private.

DP has proposed to me in private and we are very happy and planning something exciting with our kids. I want to be married to him so something tiny is perfect

As you can perhaps guess we are being badgered by family asking about our plans and when I have tried to explain we will have a tiny private quiet wedding, they are still under the impression this means they will be invited to the tiny private part.

DP can’t decide if WABU to be vague and none committal about any wedding chat, or is it just better to let people down gently and be up front

Also AIBU to be weirded out that people like watching someone get married who is so visibly uncomfortable with the concept of being watched 😂

OP, if you're determined to have no family there, is there any reason why you can't just elope? That's the best bet if you want to do it by yourselves. Gretna Green seems the obvious choice, in terms of paperwork and access to marriage.

I would be thrilled to not have to attend yet another wedding and spend a fortune on the hotel, new dress, shoes, bag,torturous facinator, alcohol,wedding presents etc! 😆

OP, I think you should just do what you want to do. You've been crystal-clear on here that you just want your DP and kids, so why not just do that? I guess you posted for opinions, but it does seem as if your mind is made up. If you don't think you'll have regrets and this is truly what you want, then make it happen.

It's not something I'd ever understand myself, but of course it's not my wedding!

I strongly disapprove of your plans 😂 and I have pursed my lips in true old-lady fashion, 🤭 but I'm quite sure that this will not keep you awake at night!

Off to powder my nose, spray some Yardley lavender perfume and stock up on talcum powder.

Today's young. 🙄😉

I don’t want any planning, making guests lists, organising a meal or any stress relating to any other people at all.

Imagine having to keep your wedding destination a secret for a year or 2 to stop your PIL from gate crashing it 😂

I don’t understand how this non-wedding is taking 2 years to plan

I think you’re secretly enjoying your relatives asking you about your wedding and you think it’s ‘cool’ that the older people won’t be invited.

It sounds like you’re planning a holiday so just tell relatives you’re going on holiday and when you come back, tell them you decided spontaneously to get married there.

Wow some of these replies are wild.

My best friend also hates being looked at/watched/photographed/centre of attention but really wanted to get married. She has always wanted to visit New York and mentioned maybe getting married there and what did I think?

I said amazing idea, go for it girl. I actually know someone else who did the same, let me get you some details/advice. I was so happy for her, we did dress/shoes/hairstyle talk.

They went as just a couple (shock horror, even left their 4 kids behind) and she got her dream wedding and even got her courage up to have the dream photos at the Home Alone 2 movie hotspots she adores! I was overjoyed for her.

A wedding is about the couple only. Saying you would dislike someone, a family member, for having the wedding they want is awful.

OP congratulations on your engagement, I hope you enjoy planning your dream day with your future husband and lovely children.

You should do what you want. I think it's really sad not to have parents at the wedding. But it's your choice

Seems weird to start a thread about an idea you're perfectly secure about. Although you are very scratchy when people don't agree with you. 😁

I work in a wedding venue. One couple had a meal for 16, then went through to our lounge and played boardgames by the fire all night. They had a cheeseboard delivered halfway through and shared that, with port and coffee. We could hear the laughter floating down the corridor. Do want makes you both happy.

I would be tempted to get married and then tell them!

You could try
"Im sorry, we've gone off the idea of a wedding now"
"Why?"
"Because people kept badgering us about it and it stopped being special"

Shuts them up for a bit and leaves you time to plan your day the way you & DH want it.

Nobody is obliged to invite anyone to their wedding.
In the same way an invitation is not a summons (as said on here repeatedly)

How long ago did you get engaged? Our family soon got bored of asking about plans after the initial excitement. Also my sister (who im very close too!) got married with just 2 witnesses and i couldnt care less as long as shes happy. I still gave her a card and a present. There was no big announcement she just told us in the family group chat what she was doing. Her inlaws were more upset but it didnt cause a fall out, they offered to pay for a big wedding but my sister like you did not want to be centre of attention

It would be a very unusual family situation for one individual wedding to be the only occasion that everyone celebrated in one room. I can think of many family celebrations over the years that I’ve been to, not all of them have been weddings. Some big birthdays, some anniversaries, some christenings. Others just because, we’ve hired a space and got together. If family members mean that much to each other then they make more effort to see each other than just one wedding in 30 years or whatever it is.

@TruJay A wedding is about the couple only

I truly thought the exact same thing when I got married twenty years ago. But over the years I came to realise that it's not just about the couple, because getting married makes people into mothers-in-law, fathers-in-law, sisters-in-law and brothers-in-law, whether they want to be or not. It does affect other people. It creates those in-law ties and it also brings people together in other ways, like I got a grandma-in-law and cousins-in-law when we married. And it made me an aunt to my husband's niece and nephew, whereas I wasn't before. The ramifications of getting married are significant for all members of both families. This is why weddings are public things that anyone can attend, technically, and it's why banns are read, why marriage records are public, why there's a pause so that anyone can object. We all think that marriages are private and about only the couple, as I did when I got married, but they're actually a very public declaration!

We're spread all over. These days the only occasions everyone flies in for are funerals, although that changed when we had the first wedding of the younger generation last weekend. We do see each other in smaller groups, when we're near each other, but all 31 of us together is rare and only happens at weddings and funerals.

No, I wouldn't expect my children to do something they didn't believe in just to please me. My DD has made plenty of choices that I would have preferred she didn't but I have always respected her right to make them. Doesn't stop me feeling upset at times though.
I never said anyone should change their wedding plans because their parents want them to though I do think it is a bit sad if a child genuinely doesn't care that their parents are upset. You can disagree with someone but still be sorry that they're upset.
But that wasn't my point. I just don't buy the "why would they even want to come anyway" comments. Even if you don't agree surely it is not that difficult to understand the parents' feelings? Obviously there are exceptions but the reality is that most people view weddings as important and happy events and most parents attend their children's nuptials. Unless there is a pre existing very strained relationship I think the majority of parents would be surprised and upset not to be invited.
Of course the OP and her fiancé are perfectly entitled to get married however they like and their parents have no right to interfere, but the parents feelings are hardly bizarre. It might help the situation if the couple would at least acknowledge that. Actions always have consequences. You weigh those up and do what you think is best, but if you make a decision that you know is likely to upset people you can't really get upset when they get upset!

My original AIBU was not my idea of what I want, but how to put it across to them. To be vague? Or be up front

I was clear I know what I want and wasn’t asking AIBU to get married like this. This is what I would like

as I expected I have people telling me all kinds of wild and wonderful things especially that I will regret it (which I will not) of their opinions of my choices. I’m not going to change my mind

I will be having a wedding. You have to have one to get married after all. I never said I wasn’t. I said it won’t be traditional. I will not wear a bridal gown and there will be no aisle walking or music or a big cake. I might go out for a meal at a later date with family at some point

I got proposed to, by my DP. I did not know it was going to happen and I didn’t know he would give me a ring. I didn’t know I should not wear my ring and I need to hide it! I did not know that the family would not want us to elope as it’s the first time this conversation has ever, ever taken place.

I am sorry for all the things I did not know, or had an influence over (surprise proposal)

yes we want to elope, and it will take us time to save up for a memorable trip. It’s fucked up even people have nit picked the cost in terms of a 1-2 year wait - for those at the back.. I didn’t know about this proposal so didn’t have a savings plan before now, and I plan to go on holiday with the DC. This will not come cheap. A wedding wouldn’t be cheap either if I was inviting all these relatives!

@MrsAvocet I know and understand why they want to come, but I also don’t know why their needs or wants trump ours - and why adults can’t easily process the concept ‘hey this isn’t about me’

yes Actions do have consequences. Be difficult and pushy over your DC’s wedding = probably see a lot less of your DC… HTH

We eloped. I would say tell your family up front. If they are nice people they won't mind you doing what you want. Only me and my now DH were at our wedding but my family organised flowers and a photographer and we had a little family party when we got back. Easy , done. We then spent all our money renovating our new home instead.

should have kept engagement a secret?
don’t talk about wedding plans with anyone out of fear of hurting feelings?
never discuss it?
Never mention it?
avoid the topic and hide it?

Honestly, yes! You knew they would do this - you've made it abundantly clear that you knew what they were like with your husband to he's first wedding, and you know exactly what they are going to expect so why tell them all vaguely and non specific about a party you KNEW they would want to come to when you have no intention of inviting them?

You've created this situation, you've deliberately not been clear about your plans, and now you're complaining about the inevitable confusion.

Speaking as someone who told them all and then went and eloped, do not tell them in advance! So much easier.

Sorry you’ve come under fire OP… FWIW I’m completely with you on wanting to do your own thing. I was pushed into doing the traditional wedding by both sides of the family and although parts of it were lovely, in retrospect I would have been a lot happier doing something simple our own way. It’s so ironic that people kept saying to us ‘this is your day’, and then proceeded to dictate large parts of it!!

Tell them after! We wanted a wedding just us two and told our family ahead of time. DM and DSIL cried and badgered and guilt tripped until we gave in and invited immediate family. It was okay as we didn't really care about the wedding at all but it would have been nicer just us two. Also congratulations 😊

I don't this obsession with weddings. Surely spending time over the years together having lunch and day trips out etc is worth so much more then being at a wedding. It's really not the end of the world if you get married on your own or just with your children. I also agree with the OP that adults should be able to realise when a decision is made and its not about them

This is why weddings are public things that anyone can attend, technically, and it's why banns are read, why marriage records are public, why there's a pause so that anyone can object.

English laws (which are by no means a universal norm) about weddings taking place in public places, banns being read and a pause for objections were put in place to limit secret, sometimes fraudulent weddings. There was a rise in couples marrying in secret when one or both was not actually free to enter into marriage (due to age, already being married, etc) or without the consent of fathers of young women. That pause is a chance to say "He's already married to someone, he just abandoned her and their 7 children!" or "She's only 13!" Keeping couples from sneaking off was also a chance for families - especially wealthy or powerful ones - to stop weddings that might embarrass them or hurt their social standing.

Weddings don't inherently create family relationships beyond labels, and they certainly aren't necessary to building strong relationships. They certainly can be a lovely milestone celebration and they can have all sorts of meaning to individual couples and guests, but they aren't and don't need to be that for everyone.

Do it your way and tell them afterwards

They might be technically public but the in-law label means as much or as little as individuals want it to. It doesn’t suddenly create emotional bonds between people if they aren’t already there, and conversely if family members of each person in a couple are already close, them getting married won’t suddenly make that more meaningful. I see my partner’s family about once a year for an hour. Once we’re married we’re leaving the country so will see them even less! If his brother got married or his parents divorced and remarried other people it would have literally no bearing on me whatsoever.

It's too late now but it would have been better not to tell them about being engaged and just get married quietly. Your post suggests that if you give them any details they will try to be there. So I wouldn't say much. It might be easier to just deal with the fall out afterwards.