Breaking it to your family they aren’t invited to your wedding

[mostimportantaspect]

My DP has been married before. Church wedding, stag do, big reception etc.

I’ve never been married. I am quite anti traditional weddings. I do not need convincing otherwise about weddings. My DP is fine with it don’t worry 😂

I’ve been to many weddings which have been nice and I am happy that other people do love them as an option for them, I just don’t want a traditional wedding with guests.

I don’t want any planning, making guests lists, organising a meal or any stress relating to any other people at all.

I don’t want to share the day with other people or be stared at, taken photos of unawares, separated from my close family all day by obligations to converse with people I barely ever see. I don’t expect any gifts or involvement from others either.

As I said, this is not a personal diss or judgment about other peoples wedding choices it’s just my preference.

I have a complicated family and his is massive so it isn’t a viable option for us to have a wedding that involves anyone else apart from us and our children. If I can’t have a quiet intimate wedding with just us, then I will not get married at all. Our families all get along so it’s not an issue of whether I like them or not. I just want it to be very small and private.

DP has proposed to me in private and we are very happy and planning something exciting with our kids. I want to be married to him so something tiny is perfect

As you can perhaps guess we are being badgered by family asking about our plans and when I have tried to explain we will have a tiny private quiet wedding, they are still under the impression this means they will be invited to the tiny private part.

DP can’t decide if WABU to be vague and none committal about any wedding chat, or is it just better to let people down gently and be up front

Also AIBU to be weirded out that people like watching someone get married who is so visibly uncomfortable with the concept of being watched 😂

Yep, sharing the proposal was a big mistake. Why would you do this when you didn’t want them at the wedding.

Anyway, whatever you choose to do, stick to your guns. A friend recently was like you and allowed herself to be worn down by people with the result that she had three different occasions to appease different sets of people and she wasn’t happy with any of them, and was miserable and passive aggressive as a result.

Don’t tell anyone, do it alone, stop talking about it.

If it isn’t accessible to them, the venue is sailing a bit close to the wind with the terms of its licence. Any member of the general public must be able to attend the ceremony if they want to.

We did this - not Gretna Green but an area in Scotland that's special to us. Didn't tell anyone until after the event. Mixed response from both mothers, there you go - we were in our 50's and didn't feel obligated to do what other people thought we should. We had the best day, it was just great - and I have to say, sorting the paperwork (with help) was enough without having any guest lists or any of the other endless stuff associated with a Big Do.

OP - you're only going to do this once. Do it your way.

@withgraceinmyheart genuinely if you stopped loving a relative as much or if changed the view you had of them because they did something for themselves that made them happy, well that’s a bit sad. I’m sorry for you that you view this so transactionally. Me getting married in a location I would love, with just my children isn’t a direct connection to anything else apart from that’s what I would like to share with them. I don’t want to be stared at either but that doesn’t seem to feature in your emotional blackmail posts, probably means I have to just accept something that makes me uncomfortable for other people’s sake? Glad we setting women back 100 years after how far we came though 🙄

I don’t know how to keep explaining this but they can’t even walk on a beach, or up steps or uneven streets. You don’t have any idea what you are talking about

I think you’re absolutely valid in how you feel OP, and the whole ‘your wedding, your choice’ thing is also valid. You’re right in that the day is about you and your partner, and you’re absolutely entitled to have what you both want. However, it is an undeniable fact that many people (a majority, at a guess?) don’t see weddings the way you do. Many people see weddings as somewhat family affairs, in which the bride and groom are of course the centre focus, but the guests, the bride and grooms nearest and dearest, people that mean a lot to them for various reasons, all get to come together to celebrate the couple and yes, have a good time themselves (hopefully!).

You are absolutely entitled to have the wedding that you want. But as others have said on this thread, you can’t change the way other people feel about it, or weddings in general. In your replies, you sound quite exasperated that your family are wanting to be there, and aren’t seeing things the way you do. But the fact is, your family wanting to be there and be involved is very, very normal. The vast majority of parents would feel the same. You can’t control how they feel about it, just as they can’t control how you feel about not wanting them there.

As it is your wedding, you and your partner get to make the decisions. What you don’t get to do is control how others feel about those decisions. The fact of the matter is, in order to have the wedding you want, you’re likely to upset your family. It’s shit for you, but you can’t change or control that. You then have to decide if the fallout of that upset is worth it for you. As you can see from this thread, for some it is, for others it isn’t.

I don't know about the UK, but I am from a hot 'destination wedding' type place and this isn't remotely true there. People there get married in private houses, on private boats etc all the time. I know of one couple who were married underwater while scuba diving. My mother got married on her own property which was certainly not accessible to the public.

Sorry, double posted

My BIL and SIL went on their usual summer holiday, and came back married - his mum wasn’t too happy, but it was too late to fuss then - why don’t you just elope?

I would just go off and do it. Tell them after the fact, or don’t tell them at all. I didn’t know my father had got married until over 15 years later! Wasn’t an issue.

Just go and do it ... its yours and your partners vows to each other the rest of your lives together ... family arnt interested in watching they just want a party .

I probably know more than you think. I did exactly what you are proposing to do, only I didn’t tell anybody.

Massive hurt all round. It was years ago now and I still regret doing it.

It depends what you’re telling your relatives though.

If you say you want to elope with DP and dcs, fine.
if you want to be kind, you can also organise a meal when you’re back to celebrate. NOT a wedding, no photos, not seeing them for 2 weeks.

If you’re telling them, you are going away and they won’t be there becayse theyre disabled or just don’t want to spend two weeks with them, then it will be hugely hurtful to them and yes it would change my view of my child if they were saying that to me.

And I’m sure you’d feel the same if it was your own doing that. Well if you are honest with yourself.

'secondly the venue I want is NOT accessible for them so I can’t have it if they come'

Oh op they're your parents! Choose somewhere accessible .

Or just do it quietly with your kids but it really isn't ok to exclude such close relatives because they are disabled.

Perhaps one day YOU will mature and see that it’s not all about you, everyone is different and has a different way of doing things and that doesn’t make their way wrong or something that they will regret later just because YOU think they will. it’s vows between a couple only, and not anyone else, and you behaving annd thinking in such an over the top and blinkered way makes YOU the selfish and emotionally manipulative one. If you don’t change and learn to live and let live then you will end up a bitter old person instead of celebrating the fact that your friends and family were lucky and free enough to do the important occasions in their life how they want and not to fit into any mould that society thinks is the “correct” way.

We were in a similar situation and DH and I got married outdoors in Scotland with just an officiant, my DSC, a photographer who doubled as a witness, and DC's favorite sitter who witnessed, handled some basic logistics/did something better than I could manage with my hair, and brought the DC back home after.

Stop saying tiny/private wedding and say you're eloping. People will pedantically argue about the definition of elopement on here, but it's the most helpful term to use to convey we are not having any wedding guests whatsoever. People will say things like "why not just your parents" but the reality is that doesn't actually solve the problem and make everyone happy... it then becomes "grandma will be so hurt not to be included" and then "but how could you have the rest of the family but exclude your sister" and then "sister needs to bring her kids and how could you exclude your precious niece from such an important family event" and so on.

Tell them you're eloping or just go ahead and do it and tell them after. Accept that people may feel disappointed and sad that they're not getting to be there and that's completely valid, but that doesn't mean you've wronged them. Just like I know my family sometimes feels sad that I chose to move to and raise kids on a different continent because they do miss out on some things, but I can acknowledge and empathize with those feelings without taking blame for doing something mean and unfair to them.

I understand why she would be hurt, at the same time as much as she loves a wedding I think she is wistful for weddings of a bye gone era and didn't like the lavish weddings some of my relatives had.

There have been other things that have meant a lot to her that I didn't particularly care for that I did as she would get a lot out of it.... 2 graduation ceremonies for a start. It is a difficult relationship and one where her needs have trumped mine more frequently than they should. In the interest of her feelings I'm not going to be bragging that I've done it either, aside from the piece of paper in the filing cabinet there's no evidence the day happened!

How did it affect you, that your couple eloped?

My old boss popped out at lunch time ... And got married! Didn't tell anybody didn't let on it was anything but a normal day she obviously didn't return and as the boss/owner had no need to tell anybody as she had cleverly done her diary for the day. It was such a romantic thing! Couldn't believe it when she tagged it on Facebook later in the afternoon 😆

We had a very quiet wedding on a Tuesday lunch time with about 8 people. Perfect. DH asked many many years later if I would like a vow renewal in a church with a big audience. Heck no! Never regretted a Tuesday lunch wedding and certainly didn’t want a centre of attention do later in life either. Elope! Do what you want, it’s your day. You will remember it long after any potential guests probably will.

@mostimportantaspect - we did this (though we did do the local registry office because that’s what we wanted), then went back to work. And had a lovely meal out at our favourite restaurant afterwards.

I know my dad was sad he didn’t get to walk me down the aisle or give a speech but he has got over it now. The rest of our family ranged from bemused to upset but respected our decision in the end. We told them ahead of time and our reasons for it.

And it was the best decision we ever made. We got the day we actually wanted and that means something to us. It hasn’t affected our relationships with our family. We had a lovely time and shared stories about it afterwards with our friends and family.

OP - just go for it. It’s your one day with your family and you don’t owe it to anyone. They will share it with you in other ways afterwards.

I felt the exact same way as the OP twenty years ago. Since then I've journeyed through many of life's milestones, like seeing my parents out of this life, getting divorced, getting a lot older, and seeing friends both of my generation and my parents' generation pass away. I feel very differently about that wedding day now, and I wasn't fussed at the time. Like OP, I'd have preferred not to have a wedding. The day had a magic that I was blind to at the time. I'd give anything to walk into that room and have all the friends and relatives back that we've lost - about twenty at last count. But I have the video and the photos of that one day when everyone was together and everyone was still alive. I think the chances of OP regretting this choice are high. It isn't about being any of the things you've called me, it's about having life experience. Things look a lot different from this end, I can tell you.

But you know what they say. Youth is wasted on the young.

I.would tell everyone that you got married last week at the local.registry office and now you're saving up for your honeymoon. And then get married on that holiday the way you want to

I know two couples who apparently were just going away for a weekend break and came back married. One couple went to Gretna Green. Both couples had grown up children, but no one was invited, strangers as witnesses etc. Their children, relations and friends didn’t bat an eye

The stories of getting married at lunchtime are insane! I wouldn't want another white wedding, but I would have the ceremony with closest family and then a small dinner in a private room. To do NOTHING and treat it like paying a bill seems nihilistic to me, unless there's a family history of dysfunction and abuse. Even then, I'd probably have a super-small do with something like five friends each. Still, I suppose people have always eloped.