Breaking it to your family they aren’t invited to your wedding

[mostimportantaspect]

My DP has been married before. Church wedding, stag do, big reception etc.

I’ve never been married. I am quite anti traditional weddings. I do not need convincing otherwise about weddings. My DP is fine with it don’t worry 😂

I’ve been to many weddings which have been nice and I am happy that other people do love them as an option for them, I just don’t want a traditional wedding with guests.

I don’t want any planning, making guests lists, organising a meal or any stress relating to any other people at all.

I don’t want to share the day with other people or be stared at, taken photos of unawares, separated from my close family all day by obligations to converse with people I barely ever see. I don’t expect any gifts or involvement from others either.

As I said, this is not a personal diss or judgment about other peoples wedding choices it’s just my preference.

I have a complicated family and his is massive so it isn’t a viable option for us to have a wedding that involves anyone else apart from us and our children. If I can’t have a quiet intimate wedding with just us, then I will not get married at all. Our families all get along so it’s not an issue of whether I like them or not. I just want it to be very small and private.

DP has proposed to me in private and we are very happy and planning something exciting with our kids. I want to be married to him so something tiny is perfect

As you can perhaps guess we are being badgered by family asking about our plans and when I have tried to explain we will have a tiny private quiet wedding, they are still under the impression this means they will be invited to the tiny private part.

DP can’t decide if WABU to be vague and none committal about any wedding chat, or is it just better to let people down gently and be up front

Also AIBU to be weirded out that people like watching someone get married who is so visibly uncomfortable with the concept of being watched 😂

As someone who didn’t have her parents at her wedding, I will respect DS’s decision on his guest list.

However, unlike my parents, who would not have been able to respect our wish for no fuss, flowers, photos, fancy clothes (because ‘you can’t do that! It’s a Special Day!’) and who would have needed to be flown in from our home country, picked up at the airport, ferried around London because they were afraid to use the tube or buses, put up somewhere because there was no room in our tiny one-bed, escorted to all meals (because London is scary and they can’t talk to waiters) etc etc (and exactly the same for DH’s parents), if DS phoned me and said ‘Getting married next Tuesday week at 2pm in Paris/LA/wherever — no fuss, wear jeans, no photos,’ DH and I would do exactly as asked, respect our son’s wishes, show up in jeans, make no fuss, buy the bride and groom dinner if they wanted it, and otherwise look after ourselves.

We would not require endless arrangements to be made on our behalf, or sit there with faces like slapped arses because it ‘wasn’t the way a wedding should be’.

Just tell everyone ypu are gettingnmarried notbhaving a wedding Then tell jo one until its done

I’d do my tiny destination wedding between now and Christmas (‘25 or ‘26 if you need to save up) in complete secrecy.

Then, when everyone is together in the comfort of their own home, I’d arrive on Christmas Day with a wedding cake to slice, some champagne and a video of the wedding day. Do it for both your and DH’s family.

Your disabled relatives might even breathe a sigh of relief for not needing to travel. The cake is the thing for older people IMO and any gifts are entirely the giver’s choice. A group WhatsApp message to your friends on Christmas Day with a wedding photo is fine, too.

This.

I am sorry for your loss. I do disagree, It’s not selfish. You get one life, you should live it. There are many many things to regret, having the wedding you want isn’t one of them. People do not regret this and many comments back this up. A lot of people have made these emotional blackmail style as if I am selfish and ungrateful - this is one event I want to exclude them from, not all events. Just one. Because families are stressful. They might not mean to be. But they will cause me stress regardless of whether it’s intentional, and I could possibly resent them. I WOULD regret walking down an aisle I don’t want in a venue I didn’t really want, with guests I invited at my expense to make other people feel happy

We got two witnesses waiting outside the registry office. It worked out fine.

Why would anyone do this, if they knew, like OPs family, that their family might be upset about it. It’s then likely to just cause upset at Christmas. It’s such an attention/drama seeking thing to do.

One of my husbands brothers eloped with his wife without telling anyone in the family and I don’t think it’s caused any long term problems. We were actually relieved as we live far away from them and the rest of the family and it would have cost us a lot to attend.

@Whistlingformysupper I would celebrate with my DC in the way they wanted me to. If they went off and did this I would just be happy for them. I respect their individual choices and preferences. Their happiness gives me happiness. I don’t need performative acts of love from them to make me happier. Plus I am an adult, I am resilient I can cope with people making their own choices

I mean if it's just you and your kids, great. If it's you six close friends and random cousin you actually like, YABU and you'll have to grovel. What exactly do you mean by tiny 😜

I understand what you want to do far more than I understand having 100 or so people watching - I dont get that at all! I can see that close family might like to be there to witness a life milestone, but that shouldn't be forced on you. Besides, you've got kids and I assume have lived together a while, it's just a formality at that point!

That’s fine, but you have to accept that it will upset people and change your relationships with the people you exclude. You can do what you want but you can’t stop people being sad about it.

If your parents are very difficult and you don’t mind upsetting them that’s fine. But that’s the choice you’re making.

Really hope the part about them being disabled and you wanting to get married somewhere with wonky steps in you just making silly excuses. Because honestly that’s so awful.

Your best option was to keep the engagement a secret and surprise them with the news that you're married, but obviously that ship has sailed. I think all you can do now is be upfront with them about the choice you've made and then deal with the fallout. The fallout will only get bigger the longer you're vague and giving false hope about it.

Why did you tell them in the first place?
I feel exactly the same way about weddings as you do OP.
My partner and I got married 3 years ago, to this day our families still don't know!!!

Just tell them (pestering rellies) that you have already done the deed - maybe that will stop them asking. Then elope with your dc when the time is right and have a wonderful time.

@withgraceinmyheart

firstly I didn’t propose to myself or plan a wedding all on my own. I got proposed to. Now I have all these crap decisions to make. prior to proposal I had NO plans to do anything at all

secondly the venue I want is NOT accessible for them so I can’t have it if they come

I'd just go away still saying no plans, have the wedding you want whilst away and then tell everyone when you get back. Fait accompli is often the easiest way to go.

I would tell them in a nice but direct message.

Someone very close to me eloped and it hurt at the time because I felt like I wasn’t close enough to be told (although I didn’t tell them at the time).
Now (years later) I understand why they did it, for similar reasons to you.

I would say you love them dearly but it’s just going to be you and the kids, and that it’s what’s right for you.

@mostimportantaspect get married and when they ask say it's a done deed and they don't need to ask again.

Ok, I don’t think I said any of the things in the first paragraph so I’m not sure what to say to that.

I’m not sure what to say about the second birthday either without repeating myself. You can choose the wedding you want but it will have an impact on the way other people view you. If I was in a wheelchair and someone I loved said to me ‘I’m not including you because I want a venue with stairs’ it would change the way I viewed that person.

So yeah, like I said before. Do whatever you like but other people have the right to be upset about your choices.

*bit not birthday!

@withgraceinmyheart so if nobody was invited it wouldn't be an issue

What if it isn’t a big life event to them though? Some people are very staunchly ideologically opposed to the idea of a wedding being a big deal because of its history and everything it signifies (ownership of women etc). My partner and I will have to get married for visa reasons as we’re going to move abroad but I’ll be doing it through gritted teeth as I oppose everything marriage signifies and stands for. It holds less importance for me than singing for my mortgage or a job contract, and will be an in-and-out the registry office job with witnesses provided by the council.

Frankly, I don’t care if anyone would be devastated by that. My desire to do it in a way that feels right for me is the only important thing. If your children felt this way would you really expect them to compromise deeply-held values just so you can see them do something that holds as much importance to them as signing any other form?

OP, do what’s right for you. People are SO weird about weddings. I honestly don’t understand why some people harbour such a desire to watch other people get married. Like you said, it’s boring AF!

I agree OP it isn’t selfish. But I also firmly believe selfishness is not a bad thing, and if there’s ever a scenario where you can and should be selfish it’s anything to do with your own relationship. Weddings, marriages and relationships are absolutely no-ones business except the people in them.

I thought parents were meant to wish for their kids’ happiness and to pursue their own paths in life, not emotionally blackmail them into having weddings they don’t want..