Breaking it to your family they aren’t invited to your wedding

[mostimportantaspect]

My DP has been married before. Church wedding, stag do, big reception etc.

I’ve never been married. I am quite anti traditional weddings. I do not need convincing otherwise about weddings. My DP is fine with it don’t worry 😂

I’ve been to many weddings which have been nice and I am happy that other people do love them as an option for them, I just don’t want a traditional wedding with guests.

I don’t want any planning, making guests lists, organising a meal or any stress relating to any other people at all.

I don’t want to share the day with other people or be stared at, taken photos of unawares, separated from my close family all day by obligations to converse with people I barely ever see. I don’t expect any gifts or involvement from others either.

As I said, this is not a personal diss or judgment about other peoples wedding choices it’s just my preference.

I have a complicated family and his is massive so it isn’t a viable option for us to have a wedding that involves anyone else apart from us and our children. If I can’t have a quiet intimate wedding with just us, then I will not get married at all. Our families all get along so it’s not an issue of whether I like them or not. I just want it to be very small and private.

DP has proposed to me in private and we are very happy and planning something exciting with our kids. I want to be married to him so something tiny is perfect

As you can perhaps guess we are being badgered by family asking about our plans and when I have tried to explain we will have a tiny private quiet wedding, they are still under the impression this means they will be invited to the tiny private part.

DP can’t decide if WABU to be vague and none committal about any wedding chat, or is it just better to let people down gently and be up front

Also AIBU to be weirded out that people like watching someone get married who is so visibly uncomfortable with the concept of being watched 😂

I understand the OP's feelings completely and wish her and her DP the very best for the future, I hope all goes well for them.
However, just to put the other side of the picture for a moment I was, and still am to some extent, very hurt when my only sibling, my DB and his lovely partner of many years decided to get married without telling us until after the event.

We are a very small, close family, our parents are dead.
I understand their decision and respect their feelings but I can't help how I feel. I'm so sorry I wasn't there to see my little brother and his long term partner, of whom I am very fond, get married. It would have been very special just to have been there; we get they wanted a quiet, no-fuss day and I absolutely would not have wanted to interfere in any way, except perhaps to take them out for a nice lunch. (If they wanted!)
And no, it hasn't changed our relationship, I don't hold a grudge, I'm just a bit sad.

Poor parents. 😢

I had the full works for my first wedding. I met my now husband after being widowed. We decided to get married in the Registry Office with just 5 guests, my children and spouses and his brother. We walked across the road for lunch in a famous hotel.
Like the OP I have a huge family and would have found it difficult to draw the line as to who would be invited.
I had great fun creating a spoof newspaper report about our wedding which I emailed to everyone. It was taken in good spirit by all. People were genuinely pleased for us.
I wish the OP well in whatever they decide to do.

We eloped and got married in a court house in Canada. We told everyone afterwards. 20+ years, we're still married and we never had any wedding debt! Just do it and announce later and have a buffet or pizza party at your house to celebrate, if you want...or not!

My parents are dead too, and I would feel this exact same way if my sister did the same.

Some people are incredibly selfish, some are just oblivious, and some will realise later, after being matured and seasoned by life, that they have regrets over the way they handled one of the most important days in their entire lives.

If you don't have a dysfunctional family, I cannot imagine excluding parents, siblings, and grandparents. When people say a small wedding, I always imagine that to include immediate family unless it's an elopement.

Can't get my head round it.

Just do what we did. Like you I wanted a completely fuss-free wedding that required no thought, planning or palaver. We did exactly what we wanted (ordinary clothes, ten-minute quickie in a central London register office, two friends as witnesses, black cab to lunch somewhere fancy afterwards) and didn’t tell any family for years. There’s a limit to how much someone can kick up over a party they weren’t invited to five years earlier.

Whatever you do someone won’t like it and will hold a grudge. Maybe areange a big party somewhere a month later eg big barn dance - all ages, buffet people can bring stuff to (instead of gifts), then they will feel part of it in sone way.

I agree with you op your wedding so you do it how you want and what you are comfortable with. My dsis got married abroad with 2 friends, that was what she was comfortable with she hates any attention being on her. I had a bigger church wedding and then reception because that is what I wanted.

Do not let anyone guilt you in rl or on here about how sad for.your family etc. Do what you and your dp want.

Weddings always bring out the drama on MN OP!

You can't win. Lots say 'it's your day do what you like' and plenty are the opposite saying 'it's a family celebration, how could you leave out your parents'.

Which just kind of confirms your point.

You will NEVER please everyone - and there will always be plenty of people who disagree with you.

The answer to this of course is do you. Your wedding. Your day. Don't apologise (you're doing nothing wrong) or try to justify. Just do it.

I started out thinking Yabu but changed my mind as I read your updates. You’re absolutely entitled to have a small, quiet, no fuss wedding and not invite anyone. But to do a big, expensive destination wedding without inviting your parents and ils because they’re disabled is really horrible.

I hate the attitude of ‘it’s my wedding I can do what I want’. Yes of course you can, no one can stop you. But other people have the right to to be upset abroad the choices you make, because they reflect how much you value the relationship.

Cant you have wedding that includes people and then go on a fun honeymoon that’s just for you both and your kids?

@mostimportantaspect i think you’d have got much better support and advice if you had started your post as

‘I’m not getting on with my parents. Nor is DP with his. They’re difficult people for various reasons. I want to get married, just me and him (and tge dcs) wo them. How can I get the message across?’

Instead you’ve tried to find reasons why it wouldn’t work pre emptively, all of which makes you look like unreasonnable tbh.

'Also he has said these things too, so it’s not just me. He also brought up their physical abilities limiting our options. We would have to rule out anywhere with stairs, a hill or anywhere that doesn’t have close car park.'

Elope, have a quiet wedding whatever. It is fine! Do stop going on about their disabilities it is very distasteful. I'm surprised more people aren't horrified by your comments.

If you don't have a dysfunctional family, I cannot imagine excluding parents, siblings, and grandparents. When people say a small wedding, I always imagine that to include immediate family unless it's an elopement.

I agree.
And that’s why the message the OP gave to family (small wedding) and the way she phrased her OP landed badly.

That’s because most people do see someone in a wheelchair as an inconvenience…..

We got married with just two witnesses (friends of ours) and no family for quite similar reasons to you. I don’t like weddings (I find them really cringey) and hated the idea of having people watch us, so we just took 2 friends and had a casual wedding then a pub lunch after. DH was in agreement with me (also think he was horrified hearing how much other people’s weddings had cost!). We had originally planned to have a party a few weeks after but realised we were only doing this (and would have spent about 1k) for our mother’s benefit so we cancelled it. They both kept trying to push extra guests on us, people we didn’t even like and my mother in particular can be quite controlling, we knew she would just take over because she wasn’t happy that we weren't having a big wedding.

So I don’t think you are being unreasonable or selfish at all @mostimportantaspect. Have the wedding you want, it’s not anyone else marriage it’s yours, you should start it in a way you’re both happy with. The only thing I would say is that for now just say to people you aren’t setting a date and are ‘saving up’, then just go and do it in secret and tell them after. ‘It’s easier to ask for forgiveness than to get permission’, not that you should have to do either but it’ll cause far less drama that way. Just change the conversation every time they bring it up and eventually they’ll get bored.

I think morally you should be making it clear they aren't coming before any of the women start buying dresses because leaving people financially out of pocket from the uncorrected assumption is mean on a different level from the hurt feelings of wanting to be part of it.

You could do this honestly - 'we're eloping' or sneakily 'we're looking at 2028 dates and haven't decided on a theme so don't buy anything yet' which allows you to 'change your mind' and surprise them with 'we've just got married' sometime in 2026 / 2027.

Think through the planning for your children - if they're young enough sitting for a meal is a challenge you can't ask them to lie to their grandparents about eg trying on smart clothes.

It sounds a bit like wanting to have your cake and eat it.

Weddings are typically (more often than not) celebrated with family. It's not compulsory, but it is the default.

The most common two options are - have a wedding with your family and optionally other guests present, or quietly elope and let everyone know afterwards.

Planning longer engagement and publicly talking about wedding preparation, but not inviting anyone is rather outside the norm. Of course you can choose it, but you'll have to explain what do you mean by that and accept that some people will be disappointed, because it isn't matching their expectations.

Practically, you may found out that having the real legal wedding you want abroad would be a paperwork nightmare, and that many people go dual way, a register office in the UK and the enjoyment part abroad.
If it would come to that, you might decide to announce the UK part, let your family join you there and have the second part exactly as you wish it during your honeymoon.

Don’t blame you OP - it’s your wedding, your relationship, your memories.
Some places abroad insist on you doing the legal thing in UK first. My niece did this, and had her ‘proper’ wedding in Ibiza a few weeks later.

I get wanting a tiny wedding.
But even just your parents and DH parents is just 4 people. Please don't exclude your parents.
My kids are still little but I can't imagine how horribly hurt I will feel if they cannot manage to have just 4 people watch them get married.

Everyone else, sure, they should understand.
But your parents?!

Ask yourself how you will feel if your children exclude you entirely from their wedding 😳

Haven’t RTFT.
ELOPE.
But do it properly, not like when people say ‘we are eloping to xxxxx with 27 family/friends’.
Book a Holiday (Vegas? Or **Gretna Green?) tell your family you are going to either Florida or Edinburgh so as to throw them off the scent, get married with your kids there - tell them when you get back.
Job done.
Dont tell them when you are there - they will spoil your honeymoon with guilt laden messages. Leave it till you get back, tell them on the phone so if they start complaining you can put the phone down. They can’t do anything to spoil it if you do it like this as it’s a fete accompli.
Also, since my husband is a paraplegic I completly understand you not wanting to base your day around disabled peoples needs. I go on holiday with daughter several times a year without DH and I don’t feel guilty.

**You can’t just rock up at Gretna. You do need to book and arrange it, unlike Vegas (see Friends episodes for how easy it is!).

Just do it. And good luck!!

The parents are disabled. They'd have to rule out <checks notes> a hill and stairs. They'd need to be near a carpark. Last time I checked places with stairs tend to have lifts for accessibility and hills? Well they're easy to avoid ime.

The op hasnt said but I'd bet they'd spoil the pics too..

Just go ahead and do it—tell them afterwards.

You can always plan a more relaxed, informal meal out or a house party to celebrate later. That’s what we did, though ours was because of the COVID restrictions at the time.

Your families are not hearing you so the pair of you need to make it very clear no-one apart from the two of you and your children will be at the wedding - no-one. If you don't make it clear, they will keep badgering, keep hoping for a different outcome! Just a simple 'me,DP and the kids will be the only ones at our wedding, and we will not be telling anyone where and when it will be' - rinse and repeat for as long as it takes!! Or get a card printed and hold it up each time they mention it!! Tell them when you get back from your perfect for you wedding! Have a wonderful day!

We eloped. Both in our fifties and married before. The venue catered both for couples only and/or a small number of guests but most were couples only. They arranged everything including the witnesses. It was a wonderful and personal event and we only told people after the day.

Could you do similar and maybe hold a party afterwards? I hope whatever you decide it goes well.

The whole reason we did that was because my past experience of family weddings was the parents (one part being mine) being over bearing, controlling and bickering. I didn’t want to be the centre of attention, I didn’t want a fancy day. I just wanted to be my DH’s wife. I had known, and always said I didn’t want a big wedding but wanted to be married.

When I tried to appease my Mum by giving her a job for the party and said can she sort the cake, she said “what cake” I said “not fruit cake” her response “it’s a wedding you have to have fruit cake” with a frustrated sigh confirmed to me I’d made the right choice.

Not every family is the same as yours.

Ironically when I told my friends most said they weren’t surprised as I’d always said that’s what I wanted to do…