A yearning in my soul for youth and sex

[its5oclocksomewheresurely]

Pity party. I’m female. 55 years old. Kids left 10 years ago. DH is only 52, but has zero sex drive. We are relatively happy. Love each other. No money worries. Have epic holidays and in fairness he is sexual on holiday. I am yearning for more though. Not with other men, just with him. There’s no provision made for it though. No time set aside. Shift work means we are passing ships. Im addicted to a music video right now where the male singer is so handsome and sexual and my heart is aching for what I’m missing. Feel quite invisible to the world really. I’m just “mum” or “wife” and I want to scream that’s not who I am! Pity party over. Anyone else?

This has given me real hope, thank you! Yes, you are correct re the job. He does 2 day shifts, 2 back shifts, 2 night shifts, and then has 4 days off. But they are awful just now, for cancelling rest days due to events being on (like Oasis concert for eg). So today is his first rest day. But of course he is now sleeping after his night shift. They have cancelled his rest day tomorrow cos of the concert. So back in he will go, then have 2 days off, but the last day is lost as he gets low and has to go to bed at 830pm for an early start. It's so shit. When we are on holiday he transforms into a different person, and I am hoping that this will be the new him in retirement. Because we have so much to look forward to. House will be paid off. We can travel. I just don't want to be a celibate person doing this!!

He does take testosterone

When we all fancied George before we knew.
He was so beautiful at that stage.
In 2025, I think Benson Boone is handsome.

My current crush is Morgan Wallen.

Yep, sounds so familiar! It's quite lonely being married to a shift worker at times. Although them being around all the time takes some adjusting to too! My hubby said he never realised people didn't go around feeling like they've got a hangover all the time - that's shift work for you in your 50s 😊. But the ability to retire early is a gift. I'm sure you'll get that holiday guy back in time.

Oh dear, I have just googled and he was born in 1993. Face palm.

This could be me! Same age, also both DH and I are shift workers in intense jobs. We also had a wonderful holiday a few months back when we were much more active in the bedroom (and the pool!) together. The pressure was off, sleep patterns reset and we relaxed. But, now back to the grindstone and the activity has dropped off to once a month if we're lucky. It's him, not me, I'm still willing but he's always "tired" or ill from the shifts. He's also a gamer who doesn't go out much.
He's looking to dramatically reduce hours in two years and I'm hoping that will change things, but I can't rely on that.
I love him dearly and sex is great when we get round to it, I just wish it was more frequent.

Thank you SO much. Yes, it's lonely for me, that's for sure. They had him doing 12 hour shifts recently, he was coming home actually looking quite ill. I'd love to hear about your retirement and how it's going? I feel like we are constantly counting down!! We worked out yesterday, that with unused annual leave, he could leave as early as August 2027. Seems close - but far away - all at the same time!😂

OMG - sounds like we are peas in a pod! 😀

It's great getting intimate on holiday, but I think it also reminds you of what you are missing. We went to the Caribbean about 18 months ago, and had sex every day, I was in heaven. He was so sexually charged, it was like he was a new man.

But it's not consistent. We went away in February and he didn't show much interest in me at all (sexually, I mean).

It's hard for me to be wanted one minute and not the next. I feel like a toy that gets played with, and then dropped.

But I know the shifts are absolutely killing him. It's not his "fault", but the end product is the same - me feeling frustrated.

I think you need a better hobby to keep you busy - your DH must feel pressure from you all the time, and not just about sex. Ie wanting discussion about immigration etc when hes do e 4 x 12 hour night shifts that week.

I'm on my own here probably, but I'm thinking poor bloke and why don't you make a life for yourself instead of obsessing over sex and how lonely you are?

He isn't responsible for your happiness.

Why put fault in inverted commas? Is that because it is really his fault?

Unfortunately, due to my job I am tied to the house, as explained up thread.

This seems a huge factor to me. If you want to feel seen, but can't go out in the world, the only ones who can give you that are DH and your grown children. That's a lot of pressure on them. Meanwhile DH has a contrasting job that's filled with people needing things from him.

I can't know for sure if it would improve the sex, but I think getting more of your social needs met outside of the relationship might well help matters. It would shift your mindset, and might make a more attractive dynamic where you are someone who has a vibrant life outside of your DH.

I do agree with this, but until I retire myself, there's no real way around this.

Might be worth expanding a bit on what your job is, to see if people can brainstorm solutions. Do you at least get days off each week? It sounds like you're reasonably well off, so maybe there's scope for reducing hours, or employing someone else to give you breaks?

49 here. My life to date has been ok… but not my sex life. I feel so sad I never found fulfilment or self-discovery that way.

It’s multi-factored: unhappy, alcoholic parents who’d both attended single sex boarding schools, and I went to a single sex school myself. Caught a bad dose of religion in my teens and unfortunately bought into the whole no sex before marriage nonsense.

I have AuDHD which I think makes relationships harder (masking, RSD, shame about masking and untidy home, etc).

The relationships I have had have included a lovely man, but he was in denial about being gay and didn’t like touching me; another lovely man, who had erectile dysfunction; and some others, alcohol-lubricated dead ends with casual womanisers.

I used to think everyone else had a much, much happier life. Then you come on Mumsnet. But I think MN is the other extreme, people only come here if they have problems - domestic abuse, exploiters, cheaters etc. But it consoled me that I haven’t missed out on tooo much.

I haven’t had sex - such as it was - in 9 years, and now I think that’s it for me. I have caring duties that would make dating difficult. When I was younger I considered myself to have a very high sex drive, though that was maybe nothing more than a continual hum of sexual frustration. And thus life is passing.

It's a cliche but you can only change yourself, not him. Drowning your sorrows in wine isn't ever going to help you feel more youthful and sexy.

You've said you're stuck at home, but you can do a lot from there:

• Start a home weights program, eg Caroline Girvans:

https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLhu1QCKrfgPUZ7HDxP8PP_-0ffNoobSDH&si=JyMJ-8APTnIvU-dJ_

• Join online courses to stimulate your brain without relying on your reluctant husband for conversation. An online book group, language classes etc etc.

• Tell him that you need him to cooperate in enabling you to have more time to yourself for all of this. He's choosing to stay in his job for another two years, you can't go on doing everything until he retires. He needs to reduce his gaming just enough to pull his weight and allow you to emerge from being the family dogsbody. He doesn't need to go to the doctor for that, just change his mindset and sense of entitlement.

A few pps have suggested you need to focus on your own development and wellbeing and you've pretty much dismissed those as you're stuck at home. Be careful not to dismiss all suggestions of ways you can move forward yourself (taking into account you don't want to leave him). It may feel uncomfortable at first, but the alternative is more of the same.

I do feel for you OP. My new partner is Police doing the same shifts as your DH and mid 50’s, we have quite an age gap. Shifts and my DC’s make it difficult to see each other all the time even though he lives in the same village. But we manage to see each other weekly and have sex each time. So it is possible if both parties want to.
The bigger problem I have is that we don’t have all the rest of the good stuff you mention. He’s attractive but not especially interesting. Not a lot in common and happy to go to the pub, come home and eat (we both cook) then go to bed. We’ve watched tv once. We’ve been for a walk twice. And that’s it. In 4 months. I asked him where it was going at the 3 month mark and his response was it’s too early to say.
I’m sticking around for the sex tbf, having come out of a long relationship last year where we had great sex, a fantastic connection and could talk for hours. But he’d never commit and didn’t treat me particularly well.
But this is going nowhere and I’ll likely end it soon as I’m bored. I’d rather spend time with my friends and be single. Which will mean little to no sex, by choice.
Sex is so important, but be careful what you wish for, it’s nothing without the rest of the relationship being good as well. Don’t throw away a happy life for something that has a chance of being resolved.

Well OP, sorry to say I can't see a way round this really, I haven't had sex for years but I don't want it, I put it straight to my husband that that's the case and he's OK with it, I don't fancy him in the slightest but we do get on and have a nice life, I don't see how it's sustainable if one person is wanting sex and the other doesn't though, you either split up, or put up that's it especially if he won't seem to get any help.

OP, the fact that your husband is in the police now makes a lot more sense as to why his drive is low. It's an exhausting job with high stress levels. And the fact that he perks up on holiday goes to show that it is the stress and the night shifts and the sheer hard work.

I would book a holiday somewhere warm if at all possible, as soon as you can, I really would. And keep doing that. My police ex had loads of holidays and time off through doing overtime.

My new guilty pleasure

Maybe when he leaves his job in 2 years, which I assume means he is retiring right? you two could get into the gym together. It could be a nice way for you two to spend some quality time together. Plus you will both be physically benefiting from it. As people get older it’s important for them to start maintaining their body. My mum she’s 59 and she goes to the gym, lifts weight and does yoga and honestly, she’s more physically fit that most 30 year olds.

Jesus Jones, why on earth are you behaving like a housemaid OP? Seriously, fuck that. He's a grown man, he can make his own pack lunch fgs. Go on bloody strike and stop being such a doormat. He basically sees you as a convenient domestic appliance. Announce it tomorrow. Say you've had a think, life is changing, you're joining a gym/taking up paragliding/starting to go on whist drives and will no longer have time for all the domestic work. He can either like it or lump it. What on earth do you get out of this relationship? He won't have sex, you barely see him, he won't have a conversation with you, he's grumpy, he smokes...

I’m not trying to discount the issues you’re describing here, but if dp insisted on banging on about ‘immigration and the hotels’ with no apparent awareness that he kept coming back to the same subject and we’d already established that I didn’t feel the same, I’d lose interest in sex with him. And if he stopped being able to orgasm, I’d be changing things up in the bedroom.

I think he’s signalling quite hard that things aren’t too good in your relationship or in his life.

Can you think about changing jobs so that you’re out and about more, talking to more people, less dependent on him and - sorry - less focused on very online issues?

Please tbi k about what you've got not what you haven't.
Someone out there will envy you for what you've got.
Don't get yourself on a negative spiral.
If you've got good health your really lucky.
Nobody has everything in life.