A yearning in my soul for youth and sex

[its5oclocksomewheresurely]

Pity party. I’m female. 55 years old. Kids left 10 years ago. DH is only 52, but has zero sex drive. We are relatively happy. Love each other. No money worries. Have epic holidays and in fairness he is sexual on holiday. I am yearning for more though. Not with other men, just with him. There’s no provision made for it though. No time set aside. Shift work means we are passing ships. Im addicted to a music video right now where the male singer is so handsome and sexual and my heart is aching for what I’m missing. Feel quite invisible to the world really. I’m just “mum” or “wife” and I want to scream that’s not who I am! Pity party over. Anyone else?

And don't we all? Try a little Wordsworth

What though the radiance which was once so bright
Be now forever taken from my sight,
Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendor in the grass, of glory in the flower?

We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind

Wow that’s beautiful xx

I’m now crying. On second bottle of wine.

Same and I'm also 55.
I read romance and have an astounding vibrator

I’d rather have a real man though. What is crazy to me is that my husband is so handsome, 6 foot 3, huge shoulders, honestly women fancy him, but he just has no sex drive! It’s been a whole month since he touched me and that lasted 3 minutes. He hasn’t orgasmed in about 2 years!!

Has he been to see his GP?

Usually you hear of it being women and the menopause who's sex drive dives off, you don't hear it so much with men. Sounds like he's settled at home hence why he's more up for it on holiday (out of the usual routine, not as tired etc.)

I hear you. I'm male 55, overworked. Shiftwork in a job I've really checked out of. Wife works part time but had an affair in 2021, which really rocked us. Still together but almost zero sexdrive now.

I still love her, but its not the same. We go on holiday though and still have fun. Outside that I spend my time listening to classical music and drink wine from Tescos Express. Life, eh?

I do yearn for those younger days with all that potential. I had more hair then and I didn't have wonky knees...or reading glasses!

Exactly the same here. My parents have died and I nursed them through long and horrific illnesses, and my husband left me in recent years. All this has brought about a great desire to live my life while I can, before I come down with the family cancer myself. I truly feel like every day is numbered. I went on a dating site and fucked a handsome paramedic, a Porsche-driving millionaire and now I've been FWB with the sexiest, sternest, filthiest teacher for about three years.

None of that is as good as it sounds because they were/are wholly unsuitable in every way, so they were all short-lived except the FWB, and I don't see him much because we don't live near. Plus he's just a good-looking perverted sleaze-bag, which is why he's so good in bed. You wouldn't want to do commitment with him though.

I find it very hard to meet men who I both trust and fancy, but although I'm heartbroken about losing the good parts about my marriage, he was a wrong 'un, and now I'm glad to have my freedom.

OP, you must spice up your sex life with your husband. That's the answer. He might have low testosterone, you know. That's common in men that age.

I'm seeing FWB tomorrow. I was concerned because he needs some surgery and he went kayaking today (school hols). I said are you OK for tomorrow, and he goes "If I can kayak for two hours I'll have no problem fucking you for three." 😱😂

Light your DH's fire by getting filthy, OP. I dare you. If I was still married, that's what I would do with my DH. Shock him, surprise him, tease him. Be a little mysterious. Start by wearing some bad-girl eyeliner around the house. Got it?

That's sad, FE. You say it's not the same...can you try to start with a clean slate? Just seems such a pity to be together but only half-hearted. You could make a choice to trust her and move on and fully throw yourself into the marriage again, with the understanding to yourself that if she does it again, that's it. After watching my parents die from cancer, I'm convinced it's going to come and get us all, and what a pity to spend these days in black and white instead of Technicolor. We have to do life in Technicolor while we can, whatever that means to you. I wonder if your life would be Technicolor again if you split up.

I'm going to need the name of that music video btw...

I think you're definitely right. I think life has so much potential, even in your mid 50s! We should live it in the sunshine.

In my heart, I've forgiven her for the affair; the sex and the lying. But there's a slight awkwardness between us that persists and it affected our sex life. It's saddening but that can be the legacy of an affair.

Neither of us want to split. But I do worry slightly that it could/might/maybe happen again.

I think you should discuss your feelings with her. Communication is the route to true intimacy.

Speaking of our youth as Gen Xers, I'm currently listening to Freedom by Wham! Those were the days!

But you know that I'd forgive you, just this once, twice, forever, cos baby you could drag me to hell and back, just as long as we're together, and you dooooooo!

PART TIME LOVE JUST BRINGS ME DOWN!

@its5oclocksomewheresurely

Some subtle texts to help get him thinking about you when you're apart, and gently coax that fire to rekindle. And also remind him that he might be dead below the neck but doesn't mean you are, and neither are others blind to you.

FYI, guy with nice bum just walked past. Reminded me of you.

Did lots of stretching at lunchtime after sitting too much, and my body feels flexible now.

I'm wearing that new bright-pink lipstick and someone flirted with me! 😱 Should I take it off?

He won't have a fucking clue if you have new bright-pink lipstick or not.

Jesus, some cheeky young pup just pinched my bum!

But I would definitely focus on pepping yourself up for your own sake, never mind Mr. Mostly Dead...maybe a bit of a mini-makeover to give yourself a boost? And then a night at a nice hotel bar (or otherwise upscale bar) with some friends? Or at a restaurant with music? Let him see you get renewed and dressed up.

It's a tricky one. You don't want to be too obvious. The embers of desire just need to be casually riffled for a moment before you go on with your business.

And may I suggest he uses a Magic Wand on you while you're shagging, if you get to shagging? Mr. Teacher-Perv transformed sex for me with this. I'm so mad that my ex-husband never wanted to try any such implements.

..and we do. We'll always try and its been a long road back to where we are 🙂

I need to know who's the singer in the music videos? And is it Yungblud? A lot of older women seem to thirst over him, myself included

I understand OP.

After over 6 years of no sex with my partner, I have gone through that stage and come out the other side as completely disinterested myself. I don’t even think about it or care anymore. Not sure if this is better or worse!

The only downside to this is that it's unhealthy for you down there not to have any sex. I'm single, and almost through the change, and I know I should keep using my vibrator and doing Kegels. Any woman who's not getting much or any sex should do this, although I certainly don't do it enough. At least the vibrator doesn't give me the silent treatment when I'm not in the mood! 😂

My DH started with ED about 10 or so years ago, when I was having a last hormonal sex fest. He refused to do anything about it and I got very frustrated. In the end we went in separate rooms, and I can’t tell you how many years it’s been since we had sex. Now we’re housemates. I think sex is so important to a couple, it’s the glue that binds you.

Ouch. I'm edging into this territory now. After over a decade of really trying, our relationship is finally tanking and I'm just waking up to the possibility that the years spent thinking that, because we 'got on' (when he wasn't in active crazy-mode), the phasing out of sex from our relationship wasn't such a big deal. I've given myself a hard time, now it's clear it's over, for not doing what @Horsie suggests and really getting on his case and encouraging intimacy, but have to remind myself I've been in active trauma and survival for much of this time, just trying not to rock the boat.

But now, I hate to say @Mummadeze , I've come down on the side of getting honest with myself and really feeling the sadness of having had something I love so much withheld or made impossible with the headfuckery of his circus.

So I'm trying to lean into what the future might hold -not yet, as this is all still tumbling down around my ears, but at some point. Horsie's suggestion to 'getting filthy' makes me shudder a bit though: I'm about as far from a prude as you can get and have had a lifetime of amazing sex, but I've never been able to get with the filthy / naughty narrative of sex; it feels like a particularly British angle which just doesn't resonate with me (European). I genuinely worry that there'll be no men who just like sex as it is without it having that 'edge' of something slightly smutty about it.

@HouseOfNoRegrets That advice was specifically to the OP, a married woman who seems to desire her husband. And filthy sex can mean anything you want it to. It's totally subjective. For some people it might just mean a surprise light smack on the bum and playfully pinning your partner's wrists above them. For others it might be a lot more full-on. My ex-husband did a surprise position once that only involved a slight adjustment of one of my legs, and it felt pretty filthy. If you find anything that's happening in bed to be smutty, then it's the wrong thing to be doing for you. I've never found anything I've done with a partner to be or feel smutty, only hot. But then, I've had very little sex in my life, so

Good sex should only involve what you enthusiastically consent to do with someone you're dying to do it with. No point otherwise. It's meant to be fun! Anyway, that advice was for the OP in her particular situation, so don't worry!