A yearning in my soul for youth and sex

[its5oclocksomewheresurely]

Pity party. I’m female. 55 years old. Kids left 10 years ago. DH is only 52, but has zero sex drive. We are relatively happy. Love each other. No money worries. Have epic holidays and in fairness he is sexual on holiday. I am yearning for more though. Not with other men, just with him. There’s no provision made for it though. No time set aside. Shift work means we are passing ships. Im addicted to a music video right now where the male singer is so handsome and sexual and my heart is aching for what I’m missing. Feel quite invisible to the world really. I’m just “mum” or “wife” and I want to scream that’s not who I am! Pity party over. Anyone else?

No, he won't go. He takes supplements he's ordered on-line. They worked for a while. About 18 months ago we went on holiday and he was all over me. It was the BEST holiday ever. But it's all kind of worn off now.

Do you want to get back on track with her? If you have stayed together it must be worth trying. Why did she have the affair?

I'm glad you are getting out and about and getting some sex!

I have tried EVERYTHING, trust me. I have even lay in bed in a sexy nighty, just to watch his back as he sleeps. We are now at the stage where I will say to him "I don't want to be celibate" and he will say "yes, we must rectify that", but not much happens. I am way past trying to tempt him with actions, I've had so much rejection.

It's not fair of him to refuse to see the GP if the lack of sex is an issue for you. You can't get sex anywhere but with him, and not to be willing to make sure there's no physical issue with his lack of desire is not being a team player. He should be going to the doctor anyway for prostate tests and whatever other screenings you're entitled to. I was in a bad marriage for a long time, OP, and now that I'm experiencing freedom, and how much better life is, I can see how much unfair behaviour some spouses exhibit. I would always encourage spouses to address and stamp out such unacceptable nonsense as refusing to go to the doctor.

I think he knows what the GP will say - stop smoking and drinking! And he doesn't want that.

He came in from work at 7am, and I said "I really need some sex, I feel like I can't go for one more day like this". He said "well I'm off now" alluding that we will have sex on his rest days. Believe me ........IT.WON'T.HAPPEN.

Re suggestions to get him going - I have tried it all.

When we had that good phase about 18 months ago, it lasted about 2 months, and during that time, I would send him sexy pics - he never sent me one back. Gah, I feel like such a twat!

I just want sex once a week, I don't think I'm asking for the moon on a stick!

I'm really sorry, OP. I was also in a sexless marriage for a long time, and I found it absolutely excruciating. I wasn't even that bothered about sex until he took it away. Then I realised I was completely trapped. Couldn't have sex with him and couldn't have it with anyone else, either.

It sounds as if your DH has just become very complacent. Oh yes, we must rectify it, etc. You could try doing more of your own thing and seeing if that shakes him up. But ultimately, when faced with a sexless marriage, everyone has to make the decision that suits them best. Some people do leave over sex. Some people cheat. Some people do their best to come to terms with it and just put up with it, going miserably through life.

Having been in this position, I think it's incredibly selfish to withdraw sex in a marriage, if the other person is not OK with it. They're taking away not just a bit of in and out, but the romance and intimacy and anticipation, and depriving you of feeling special and close. And to take away the one thing that you can't have with anyone else....it's cruel. The ability of the other person to deprive you like this is a MAJOR reason why I will never marry again.

It's a really bad place to be, and I feel sorry for you.

Well, you have options, you're not powerless. You can decide how much of an issue you want to make this. You can make it a dealbreaker, or you can decide not to rock the boat, and you can decide anything in between!

I've never cheated, but you know what? I wish I had. I wasted my best years on someone who said I was too fat to sleep with, even when I was 9 st 4 at a height of five foot four. And then the marriage imploded anyway.

If I was ever in that situation again, I would leave or cheat, not sure which. Probably cheat, if I'm honest. Or would I? I'm really not sure if I could sneak around. I never have. But life is way, way too short. And someone who deprives their partner of sex longterm is pretty much asking to be cheated on, in my opinion. Maybe I'd just leave them. I mean, I WAS in that situation, for YEARS. And I didn't cheat or leave. But divorce changes your perspective.

I just feel so INVISIBLE.

Invisible to him as a sexy partner.

Invisible to my kids, who are busy living their lives and hardly ever get in touch.

Invisible in general, as I work from home, so I don't see many people.

DH works shifts. He does 6 on, 4 off :

On his first 2 shifts, he has to go to bed at 830pm - so I spend the night alone
On his second 2 shifts, he doesn't get in till midnight - so I spend the night alone
On his third 2 shifts, he leaves the house at 9pm - so I spend the night alone

Alone, like some sad sack, sipping wine and watching music videos and feeling like I could burst from the yearning for sex and more excitement. Then I get drunk and sad, and finally fall into bed alone.

DH is grumpy too. It's the job - he hates it. But it's like he is in a permanent mood. I've told him to jack it in, and we can live off my wage, but he only has 2 more years to do, so he is sticking it out.

On top of this, I have an elderly Dad that calls me multiple times a day, and I have to do a lot for him. He wasn't a good Dad and I resent it.

That does all sound miserable, OP.

Can you go out with female friends on some of those nights? Or do something productive like go to the gym or go swimming? It would make you feel better than hanging around the house, and the wine habit isn't healthy. I find that swimming is great for my mood.

I really don't want to cheat, as I know that will be the end.

My first husband cheated on me, and then I cheated on him. It finished us.

And I do love DH. We do have good times, and we have a long history together.

I think I am pinning my hopes on him retiring in 2 years and becoming the man that he is when we are on holiday. I guess if he is still like this after he retires, then I am going to really have a decision to make.

even though I’m just divorced and it was horrible, I get this. I had a discussion with my ex where I was upset that we were divorcing and he said something which had stuck with me, I miss the 17 year old person I met and fell in love with, not 50 year old person he is now.
I know you’re still in a loving relationship but it makes sense that you miss the relationship you once had and the young people you were.
You are extremely fortunate that you are still together but your feelings are totally valid!

Would he be open to opening the relationship? Essentially, if you told him everything you’ve says here, how would he react to the suggestion of you having sex with someone else?

No, cheating isn't the solution. But I can see how people get driven to it, however bad an idea it is. And cheating shouldn't be the end if one person has deprived the other longterm. IMO if someone has no sexual interest in their spouse, and the spouse isn't happy with that, they should let them go. It would be a bit rich of them to make it the end if they've totally neglected their spouse for a long time and refused to listen to their complaints.

In the two years before his retirement, can you go on more holidays? Sounds like he gets frisky in the sunshine.

I think it's very unfair of him not to go to the doctor. You're suffering from a lack of intimacy and connection when it could all be due to something as simple as a lack of testosterone, or similar.

He is selfish. Selfish to deprive you of sex, selfish not to do something about it, selfish not to listen to your complaints, and selfish to keep you for himself if he doesn't want you.

I feel strongly about this after being buried alive in a sexless marriage for many years.

Male menopause with a testosterone dip... Add in the anxiety and stress about ED and you have an understandable wish to avoid intimacy. A trip to the GP might really work wonders - could you even go to support him, ask for a male GP etc?

I'm only 41, so appreciate things might be very different when I'm in my mid 50s. But I echo another poster's suggestion to shock your husband!

Take yourself out of that 'mum' zone by sending him a picture of you in your underwear. Or a photo of your cleavage in a nice dress with "Thinking of you 😉". What's the worst that could happen - he thinks you're a ridiculous joke. Who cares?

I started doing this, having never done it before, in my 40s, and having been with my husband for 20 years.

I basically sat him down one day and said "So just to let you know, I'm really horny since I hit my 40s and I'm going to need a lot more from our sex life!" Turns out, he was totally up for it, and within a month we'd bought sex toys, sexy underwear, had sex in different rooms in our house and so on.

Has your husband considered taking testosterone?

I bet he won't. IME spouses who deny their partners sex longterm are so selfish that they don't want the person, but they react with complete horror at the idea of someone else having them. They want their spouse to sit on a shelf like a discarded toy in case the day comes when they want them again.

Brilliant!

He does take testosterone. It worked for a while, but now doesn't seem to. I think the job doesn't help. The shifts are crazy and mean that lots of nights we aren't in bed at the same time - I got up this morning at 645am, and he went to bed at 7am!

I am carrying an extra 2 stone, I don't think he fancies me unless I'm rake thin, tbh. Which is hypocritical given that he is also carrying loads of extra weight.

We can't take extra holidays - we already take 2 a year. I'm currently planning a trip to India, and he's even getting grumpy that it's taking a while to plan. He would just book the first thing we see, to get it off the list.

“We must rectify that.”

Well, isn’t he the smooth-talker?

I’m afraid I’d have replied, “Rectify it? We’re talking about you fucking your wife, not fixing the dodgy flush mechanism on the downstairs toilet.”

It sounds as if he’s in dire need of a trip to the GP, a marriage counsellor or a divorce lawyer. I’d present him with these options and give him a week to decide which he’d prefer.

What does he do in his downtime?

And just to add, I do EVERYTHING at home. All the housework, even down to taking the bins out. I make sure he has a packed lunch for his day shifts, a ready meal for his back shifts. All his washing done. He has NOTHING to do when he is off work.

He doesn't want to talk to me about world affairs, because he is too burnt out from work (it IS hard work), like the other day, I wanted to chat about immigration and the hotels, and he just rolled his eyes and said "I'm not talking about this, you get too worked up about immigration and Trans issues" and he walked off. So I just sat there alone. I feel like I could scream into the void and no one would hear.

Do you see yourself being with your husband in 5 or 10 years time OP? Does the marriage have the potential to bring you enough joy?

Omg, leave him.

There’s a better life out there. He sounds totally checked out.

You keep mentioning how hard his job is. Unless he’s actually clearing land mines with his bare hands, there’s no excuse for him being so totally disinterested in you.

I’d quit with the bloody packed lunches, for a start.

Plays video games during the day, and at night we watch a movie / series together and usually end up chatting for an hour or two with music in the background.

There is more than a good chance it could get worse rather than better when he retires. He sounds like he has no sex drive and it doesn’t matter what you do, that won’t improve. He has 4 days off. 3 of those he should be full of beans!