Parents won't let me paint my kitchen cupboards

[Forfucksake84]

I currently rent a flat off my parents. I have 2 children and have outgrown the flat and my parents have bought a bigger house to accommodate us. I will still be paying rent, and will be having a rent increase. I'm incredibly grateful that my parents have helped me into a bigger home but I feel they (particularly my dad) are being quite controlling about the small adjustments I would like to make to it. When we first looked at the house they agreed to me painting the kitchen cupboards when I move in. At the moment they are a boring mdf colour and I wanted to paint them a nice light grey. My dad has now backtracked and said that they don't want them done at all, and that they are fine as they are but has given no reason for it. I just don't understand how it would affect them as it won't be them living there! He reluctantly agreed to remove the carpets in the bathrooms as I said it was a hygiene issue but even that was a struggle. He keeps reminding me that he is the landlord and that I need to ge permission to do anything but it feels like he is treating the house as an asset and me as a tenant rather than his daughter and I really feel like I'm not allowed to make any changes at all. Im due to move in in 3 weeks and it's making g me not want to move in at all...
For reference I am 40 and my parents re in their mid 70s

I would make it clear that you would pay a professional to:do it as it may make a difference to his decision. I’d imagine he’s thinking that it wouldn’t look good, paint would flake off etc and devalue it if he were to rent it to someone else. Would replacing the cupboard fronts be an alternative option?

Ulltimately if he doesn’t want it that’s his prerogative and would be the same situation if you were renting from someone else
.

I used to live in a house owned by my parents, but they would never have dreamt of charging me any rent. Even so, my relationship with them has improved hugely since buying my own place.

Where does your rent money come from? Could it be better spent on a mortgage? Are you going to be able to save for a deposit while paying rent to your parents? Or could you ask them to decrease the rent to help you increase your chances of being able to buy, while at the same time working on increasing your own income?

I don’t think you should be spending your own money on making improvements to someone else’s house. It just doesn’t make any financial sense.

Because at the end of the day you are a tenant and he is your landlord! Either suck it up or find somewhere else! Just be grateful that your parents are in the position to buy you a house and your not the tenant of a slum
landlord!

But it’s a rental.

Loads of PP’s on here acknowledging the MASSIVE favour her parents are doing charging her family rates previously and then BUYING HER A NEW HOUSE bc she wanted something bigger! and now agreeing they’re shits bc the dad has said no to painting cupboards that he’ll have to replace when she moves out - what?! Talk about biting the hand that feeds you. She’s got more space for herself and the kids than she’d be able to afford and more money each month to spend on them as well. The expression having your cake and eating it comes to mind.

OP has said it’s likely she’ll be there long term - she doesn’t have a crystal ball. She may want to change location for her job, or kids schools, she may meet someone who lives the other side of the country or offers her to move into his bloody great mansion…. and suddenly she’s not there long term after all.

Theres a very simple solution, OP, which is to sign a contract saying that if you move you pay to have all the cupboard doors replaced. Your dad will be happy he doesn’t have to pay extra costs - don’t forget he has bought you a fucking house and is losing money every month by charging you under the going rate - and you will be happy with your grey cupboard doors.

Win-win

What a stupid comment! It’s their property and like any landlord they make the rules! Being family will have no bearing and will cause a fall out! OP snakes so a middle aged entitled brat!

Really! He’s not being controlling it’s his property, show me any landlord that would allow this! OP is acting like a middle aged entitled brat, she should be grateful her parents can help her and she’s not stuck with a slum landlord. She actually needs a dose of reality as her parents have ensured she’s had somewhere to live!

“We haven't really discussed the long term objectives”

”Because the likelihood is I’ll be there a long time”

These are two worrying statements OP.

Even if things were going really well, it would be foolish not to have an open and honest conversation about where this is going. Clarity for everyone. No assumptions.

But given the situation you’ve described with your father telling you he sees this as you are a renter, it makes it even more important to talk about what you would both like and expect.

Good grief are you 13? I thought the OP was coming across a little petulant teenager but this is even worse

I wouldn't want someone painting mdf doors in a kitchen I owned unless I was very sure it wouldn't ruin the kitchen. Kitchens are so expensive to replace. As someone has said, make sure if it clear you will get it done professionally and see if he is happier with this. Otherwise you could look at other ways to feel happier with the kitchen. Maybe replacing the doors, if you can afford it and your parents are happy you to do so, although may be expensive as you don't own the property. Could painting the walls that are not tiled improve it very cheaply? Maybe focus on being grateful for the new house, rather than the kitchen.

However two things struck me. Are you parents actually controlling? The examples about the kitchen and the bathroom don't actually sound controlling but there may be ways there are in which way are. Are you actually getting a good deal and is there a reason they are not just helping you to get your own mortage?

Completely irrelevant. They could be earning more by having a proper tenant.

OP I can see how annoying this is but I would pick your battles.

Instead of painting which can look shit what about replacing the doors at your cost obviously he might agree to that. I wouldn't want someone painting the doors of a perfectly good kitchen

The house still had carpet in the bathroom… I strongly suspect even grey will be an upgrade!

You sound like a spoilt brat. Your parents have bought a house because you needed it. You're of the belief you're entitled to do what you like with it. The relationship here is that they're the landlords, if you don't like that, find a new landlord.

Yabu. You the tenant. Landlords don't let you paint kitchen cupboards. You need to buy if you want to paint kitchen cupboards.

You cant make changes as renting through other landlords, either!

I don't think it is normal for tenants to go around painting kitchen cupboards even if they are renters that are strangers. That said it is weird that your parents are making profits from their own daughter. I would find something else on that basis alone.

I’ve been in a similar position , renting to a relative and it’s tricky. . I agreed to painting but only in agreed colours and I had to say no to some structural changes they wanted to carry out because they would have devalued the house. I charged them two thirds of market rent with no deposit and kept the house in good repair but I could not afford to give them the house or let then live rent free . It was an awkward situation. Your dad is probably worried about the kitchen cupboards ageing badly or something, if painted. He may be relying on the money tied up in the house for future care home fees even if he hasn’t said so.
Since you’ve accepted your parents offer to rent, it will work better to behave like a tenant rather than wishing things were different. Hopefully you’ll be able to move out one day.

Has he always been quite controlling OP? Because it seems like he's refusing just because he can, not for any particular reason. My FIL was like this. Would offer us things and then hold it against us. Offered to put our mortgage is his name so we could benefit from his lower rates (as he was a banker) then wouldn't let us sell when we wanted to etc, and told all his friends it was his house (when we'd paid the deposit and the mortgage repayments!). I wish we'd never accepted his 'help' in the first place.

Yes I totally agree with you, your dad should be grateful that you want to make the flat look nice and make some changes and how you will look after it.
Although you are paying rent as his daughter I don’t see you as a tenant but his daughter and should want you to be happy in your home.

Could you try and convince him that you can make it look nice for any future tenants that may rent it out after you. Or just sit him down and have a chat with him about how grateful you are for him providing a home for you and you just want it to feel homely by making a few changes.

Good luck hope you can get it sorted and your dad agrees to letting you make the changes.

Yabu. You are a tenant, they are your landlords. Might be your home but it is their property therefore it's their right to decide on how its decorated and what kitchens and bathrooms look like. It isn't controlling, you'll find most landlords wouldn't let you do this either. If you don't like it move into a property your parents don't own.

I don't blame him. You are just a tenant.
You can't expect to be able to change fixed fittings just because you don't like the colour.

Painted cupboards can end up looking really tacky so it's understandable him not wanting to risk it. It could be very costly for him to put right in the future.

If you're that unhappy it might be better to rent somewhere else not connected to family or friends.

Move out and get your own place, then you can do whatever you like to the cupboards.

I would just wrap them, using a professional company if you can afford it. It's non-permanent and is a good compromise if it really bothers you. I'm a landlord and I wouldn't easily agree to my tenants painting my kitchen cupboards, even though it's a 1990s farmhouse kitchen - the way the kitchen is it would look shit and it would force me to upgrade the kitchen if these current tenants even moved out. The kitchen probably needs an upgrade entirely and if they asked for that I actually would consider it (provided they weren't asking for compensation for the disruption), but ultimately it's a fairly low rent area and the kitchen was a very expensive kitchen when put in so it's structurally fine, just very dated.

It's not clear to me whether the kitchen is old, or if you just don't like it. If I was your dad I wouldn't want you painting the cupboards either though - I'd only want that if I was planning on replacing the kitchen entirely in the next year or so because it's more likely than not it won't be something that looks good in the long run (possibly ok in the short run).

Just get someone to do it.