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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents won't let me paint my kitchen cupboards

378 replies

Forfucksake84 · 07/08/2025 22:49

I currently rent a flat off my parents. I have 2 children and have outgrown the flat and my parents have bought a bigger house to accommodate us. I will still be paying rent, and will be having a rent increase. I'm incredibly grateful that my parents have helped me into a bigger home but I feel they (particularly my dad) are being quite controlling about the small adjustments I would like to make to it. When we first looked at the house they agreed to me painting the kitchen cupboards when I move in. At the moment they are a boring mdf colour and I wanted to paint them a nice light grey. My dad has now backtracked and said that they don't want them done at all, and that they are fine as they are but has given no reason for it. I just don't understand how it would affect them as it won't be them living there! He reluctantly agreed to remove the carpets in the bathrooms as I said it was a hygiene issue but even that was a struggle. He keeps reminding me that he is the landlord and that I need to ge permission to do anything but it feels like he is treating the house as an asset and me as a tenant rather than his daughter and I really feel like I'm not allowed to make any changes at all. Im due to move in in 3 weeks and it's making g me not want to move in at all...
For reference I am 40 and my parents re in their mid 70s

OP posts:
JudgeJ · 08/08/2025 09:34

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 08/08/2025 08:27

Some parents are just weird and controlling op.That is exactly what this is about, exerting control over you.

She's free to rent elsewhere, away from her 'controlling' parent/landlord where I'm sure the person to whom she is paying far more rent would allow her free rein to do what she likes to their property.

AnonymousBleep · 08/08/2025 09:35

He's definitely being inflexible. Kitchens have a lot of wear and tear and most need replacing at least every 10 years or so. Probably sooner. They're not designed to last forever these days. If the OP is going to be staying there a long time, the kitchen will need replacing during her tenure anyway.

Also, a lot of private landlords DO let their tenants make improvements to their properties, if it saves them a job or adds value.

icouldholditwithacobweb · 08/08/2025 09:36

The answer is you either live there and accept what your landlord wants - because they own the property and you don't - or find somewhere else to live where your personal feelings will not cause resentment towards your parents not allowing you to do stuff like paint the cupboards. You do not have to live in that house, they can find another tenant and have the hassle that goes along with that. You're choosing to be there, and they get to choose whether or not you can make changes to the house they own. It is what it is. Basically, you have to suck it up.

Original poster
Forfucksake84 · 08/08/2025 09:37

Slightyamusedandsilly · 08/08/2025 08:57

Honestly, I think you sound incredibly entitled.

Despite being a single parent unable to get a mortgage, you've got a secure tenancy. Do you know how rare that is these days? You re very very fortunate.

And you're banging on about painting kitchen cupboards.

I suspect there is another side to this story and your dad possibly has justifiable reasons for not wanting to allow you to indulge in DIY in his property. I am sure that his preference would be that you were financially independent and arranged your own housing, however has been good enough to buy a property for you and your children to live in. And yet you're not grateful.

Give your head a shake lady.

Edited

How on earth have you come to the conclusion that I'm not grateful? Re-read my post and you will see that I have stated that I'm incredibly grateful and I know that I'm very fortunate to be in this position. However I feel uncomfortable with the fact that I'm being treated purely as a tenant and that my opinions are not really being considered. Calling me a brat when you don't know me is just childish and pathetic

OP posts:
Original poster
Forfucksake84 · 08/08/2025 09:39

brunettemic · 08/08/2025 08:26

They’re not your kitchen cupboards. Stop acting like an ungrateful brat given all the help and support they’re giving you.

Show quote history

I don't think I'm the brat here. Some people just love to come on here and attack. You must get some kind of kick out of it

OP posts:
nosleepforme · 08/08/2025 09:41

Wow, you sound very entitled. If you’re renting (and saying you’re paying so much still) just rent from someone else.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 08/08/2025 09:41

JudgeJ · 08/08/2025 09:34

She's free to rent elsewhere, away from her 'controlling' parent/landlord where I'm sure the person to whom she is paying far more rent would allow her free rein to do what she likes to their property.

Show quote history

She is indeed, though as she is a sp to their gc, I would assume they would want to help her and not allowing her to do minor decoration seems a tad petty to me

nosleepforme · 08/08/2025 09:41

Wow, you sound very entitled. If you’re renting (and saying you’re paying so much still) just rent from someone else.

Bearlionfalcon · 08/08/2025 09:42

OP you say you pay them £1000 a month but what would the rent be for that house if it were a private rental on the open market?
Hard to tell if your parents are BU or not without that info.

crumblingschools · 08/08/2025 09:45

Where would you be living if you didn’t have your parent’s help? Do you think they don’t think you are very good with money if you want to spend money on painting kitchen cupboards which isn’t a necessity.

adviceneeded1990 · 08/08/2025 09:48

If it’s bothering you that much go and rent privately or apply for social housing or do something to change your income situation so you can buy. You sound very passive and happy to be reliant on others for forty - I understand that you still pay rent so why not just be independent and take your parents out of the situation?

LillyPJ · 08/08/2025 09:48

Bleachedlevis · 08/08/2025 08:53

The revealing part of OPs post is that she feels her father is treating her like a tenant rather than a daughter and he keeps reminding her that he is her landlord. All sounds cold hearted to me.
They sound dutiful and resentful at the same time and not very loving at all.
I still want to know how much discount she gets.

Edited

Perhaps the parents had other plans for the cost of her house but then felt obliged to buy it for her to rent at a price she could afford? Perhaps the rent is only just covering the mortgage and all the other costs involved in rentals? Or maybe it's not even covering them? We don't know the background. Maybe the parents feel manipulated into that position, trying to help their DD who perhaps isn't helping herself as much as she could?

UsingAMansNameInAWomensWorld · 08/08/2025 09:49

If you aren't earning that much then wasting money on hiring someone to paint cupboards feels a bit ridiculous

You're in a very lucky position, stop whinging about cupboard colour.

Helpmeplease2025 · 08/08/2025 09:54

UsingAMansNameInAWomensWorld · 08/08/2025 09:49

If you aren't earning that much then wasting money on hiring someone to paint cupboards feels a bit ridiculous

You're in a very lucky position, stop whinging about cupboard colour.

This is a good point. You outgrew your old house paid for by them, they’ve upgraded you as you’re in no position to house yourself. They are charging below market rent, and all of a sudden you have spare cash to be getting professional decorators in?

Hoardasurass · 08/08/2025 09:54

Forfucksake84 · 07/08/2025 23:16

What about that kitchen wallpaper stuff for cupboards...would that be a good compromise?

That's worse than paint and can seriously damage the cabinets.
No landlord would let you paint or wrap their kitchen cabinets. If you want to do that to your kitchen then you need to buy a house or flat yourself

bigfacthunter · 08/08/2025 09:55

Do you have a contract? Have your parents committed to you renting from them long term? If I were you my concern would be that them blocking minor decor plans would be rooted in some intent to turf you out and rent to someone else in the not too distant future. I think for this set up to be worthwhile you need to have a solid understanding of what the future holds for you here.

I don’t understand why people are giving you a hard time on here, must be a lot of landlords on mumsnet. Your dad is definitely being controlling (carpets in the loo? 🤢).

If your dad’s well off I think he’s pretty miserly charging you 1k a month unless he really needs the income.

Furniture vinyl wrap works really well, I’d recommend restowrap company. Also you could remove the existing doors, store them in the attic and just buy nice new doors if that’s preferable.

LillyPJ · 08/08/2025 09:55

Helpmeplease2025 · 08/08/2025 09:54

This is a good point. You outgrew your old house paid for by them, they’ve upgraded you as you’re in no position to house yourself. They are charging below market rent, and all of a sudden you have spare cash to be getting professional decorators in?

Show quote history

Maybe she's thinking of having a go herself? And maybe she's done some dodgy painting before which could be why her dad said no!

Marmiteormarmalade · 08/08/2025 09:55

They are massively subsidising your housing, yet you are bad mouthing them to the internet at large for not wanting the kitchen messed with. THEIR kitchen.
Rent an equivalent property privately.... problem solved, you won't be able to afford paint!

Serpentstooth · 08/08/2025 09:55

Landlords rule, parents or not. Move somewhere else.

myplace · 08/08/2025 09:56

@Didshejustsaythatoutloud messing with kitchen cupboards isn’t minor decoration. I just did a refresh on mine and it cost 6k. Kitchens can’t be trifled with, because if it goes wrong it’s a big job to replace them.

Original poster
Forfucksake84 · 08/08/2025 09:57

LillyPJ · 08/08/2025 09:48

Perhaps the parents had other plans for the cost of her house but then felt obliged to buy it for her to rent at a price she could afford? Perhaps the rent is only just covering the mortgage and all the other costs involved in rentals? Or maybe it's not even covering them? We don't know the background. Maybe the parents feel manipulated into that position, trying to help their DD who perhaps isn't helping herself as much as she could?

Show quote history

That isn't the case at all. My parents have been promising to help me and my sister get on the property ladder for about the last 5 years since I was still with my ex partner. They have recently helped my sister and her partner get a mortgage with a generous deposit but because I am single with 2 children and limited income I would be unable to qualify for a mortgage on my own, so my circumstances have changed. The flat i am currently in was not originally bought for me...my parents used to live in it and then let it out to other tenants. Buying another house to rent out to me is the only option to 'help' me in this way. They cannot gift me a house outright as they have not done so to my sister

OP posts:
WonderingWanda · 08/08/2025 09:57

You have said he's treating you like a tenant and not as his daughter but most 40 year old daughters don't rely on their parents for subsidised accommodation. And most 70 year olds need their money for retirement. What's the plan long term with this property, do you plan to buy it from him? Will he need to sell to fund his retirement at some point? Maybe he is worried about devaluation?

DysgraphiaQueen · 08/08/2025 09:58

Simple solution for you, you buy new replacement cupboard doors. There are plenty of firms that do this and fit them professionally.

Take off the old ones and put your new ones on and store your father's doors carefully. Then you can replace them at a later date for him.

Its your parents property not yours, you are renting it. Either get your hand in pocket and do it right or stop moaning like a spoilt child and act like a 40 year old.

Their parental responsibility too look after you when you became a parent yourself. 🙄

FartSock5000 · 08/08/2025 09:58

@Forfucksake84 he doesn't want you to paint the units because it would be a massive, expensive headache for him to have to put them back if a) they end up botched or b) the results are a poor decorative choice.

The house is an asset to your parents. Probably paying for their retirement.

Anything you change that involves major fixtures and fittings, they'll be on the hook for to change back or repair.

Drop the subject for now and live in the house for a year first. Let them see you are a great tenant and they've nothing to fear before you bring it up again. Once they see you are responsible and things are going smoothly, they will hopefully relax and be open to your decorative choices.

godmum56 · 08/08/2025 10:01

Poster:AIBU
MN: yes
Poster: no I am not.