Parents won't let me paint my kitchen cupboards

[Forfucksake84]

I currently rent a flat off my parents. I have 2 children and have outgrown the flat and my parents have bought a bigger house to accommodate us. I will still be paying rent, and will be having a rent increase. I'm incredibly grateful that my parents have helped me into a bigger home but I feel they (particularly my dad) are being quite controlling about the small adjustments I would like to make to it. When we first looked at the house they agreed to me painting the kitchen cupboards when I move in. At the moment they are a boring mdf colour and I wanted to paint them a nice light grey. My dad has now backtracked and said that they don't want them done at all, and that they are fine as they are but has given no reason for it. I just don't understand how it would affect them as it won't be them living there! He reluctantly agreed to remove the carpets in the bathrooms as I said it was a hygiene issue but even that was a struggle. He keeps reminding me that he is the landlord and that I need to ge permission to do anything but it feels like he is treating the house as an asset and me as a tenant rather than his daughter and I really feel like I'm not allowed to make any changes at all. Im due to move in in 3 weeks and it's making g me not want to move in at all...
For reference I am 40 and my parents re in their mid 70s

I don't live in my tenant's house but i don't want them painting the kitchen units. Walls no problem but not kitchen units

Some parents are, but in this case the parents are also op’s landlords and are acting as such. OP is getting a good deal here and would have to accept the same level of ‘control’ from any landlord.

I know plenty of people who rent , most of them pay an awful lot more than that for a family size home. A lot pay that for a bed flat or studio apartment. Many of them aren't allowed to make any changes including putting up pictures. Yes your landlord is your father but it's 2 different relationships. You could potentially meet someone and move out leaving him with a house he then has to return to a condition he can rent to someone else.
Do you have siblings would you inherit and need to sell? If so you shouldn't be doing anything that could reduce their potential share if you are already benefitting from a reduced rent.

Exactly what I was thinking

Is you spending money on something that doesn’t need doing annoying for your Dad? Are you looking at saving up to buy somewhere, even if it takes a long time?

I assume you have got a much bigger place than you could ever afford so this is a drawback:

Ive rented off family before, it was a bloody nightmare and I deeply regret it. My advice would be to keep the arrnangement simple and professional and treat it as you would any other rental. Also, unless it's done professionally (maybe) there's a strong possibility the paint won't last long before it's chipped / scratched and ends up looking worse than it did originally

Stop thinking of him as your dad in this context and just think of him as landlord. Any other landlord wouldn’t have to give you reasons for why they don’t want changes made. You’re getting a discount because you’re his daughter. Unfortunately that sort of family concession often does come with strings attached.

Well then you need to move out and buy somewhere?

If you want to paint your kitchen cupboards that is

You need to separate your dad and your landlord.
If you were renting privately your landlord could refuse permission for any reason they liked. Doesn't matter how nonsensical or if the estate agent had vaguely said "you might be able to paint them...."

Either accept the financial backing is worth some restrictions or if you want to be independent refuse the bigger place and rent independently. Where you probably still wouldn't be able to change your cupboards.

There are ways of tennats updating places but in ways that are removable - lots of you tube videos on it.

I know friends of IL did this - had two properties rented one to one son and his GF - and other son had drug and mental illness so was in and out of hospitals, home sometimes in other property or with parents or in hostals.

They got charged market rent - the parents saw it as them being landlords - though they turned up much more and asked more questions and had more opinions. The GF did ask for a rent reduction and that soured relationships for a while - I only know as my IL took their friends side and were outraged they asked.

I think they in end son and GF moved out to private rental - which was deemed silly and but improved relations. IL friends had long run with good tennants then some bad and then sold as it was too much work.

I think trying to seperate roles of landlord and parents in long run is best bet. Landlord saying don't paint cupboards isn't unusal.

this

Actually OP's parents run the risk of an HMRC investigation by not charging full rent, never mind NO rent. They will likely accuse them of taking the 'shortfall' or 'full rent' as cash to avoid paying tax. OP has no idea how lucky she is.

Her parents are probably fed up of their middle-aged daughter not getting her shit together to actually house herself and her child without their help. I'd be embarrassed if I was her.

OP they have you over a barrel. You can’t change the cupboards. In any case, painting can have hit and miss results and many “professionals” are just cowboys.

What I don’t understand is how this arrangement makes any financial sense.

If they are charging you a grand a month, they will be having to pay tax on that income. And when they die and you inherit, there will be inheritance tax payable presumably if they already own 2 houses outright. In their position, I would have gifted you the house and you could do the cabinets as you please.

Because its highly unlikely to be formal she will have HUGE benefits that stop many people being able to qualify to rent like not needing a guarantor and likely no deposits.

Her parents will have paid the deposit to buy the house their daughter needed but they will still most likely need the mortgage payments and the amount to maintain the property upkeep.

Very few people can afford to buy a second property (or third) and just gift it to a child outright. If OP was lucky enough to buy the house herself SHE would have to pay all that (I dropped £5k on my house this week, that would have been 10 months rent when I rented). Rent is rarely just 'profit', its actually amazing landlord make anything when you see how little profit there is from that (unless you own 20+ houses). The HOUSE as the investment (that will often go up over in price over the decades) is the main goal of people buy to let not the rent money, as the rent just covers the costs.

If she lived in her parent house and paid rent like many teens early 20s do, do you think she should be able to redecorate and throw demands? Its really no different except its self contained.

She could always move elsewhere but the fact she didn't and says shes lucky shows she at least has awareness that shes in a beneficial position many don't get to be in. The rest is just family disagreements but the parents are right to protect their investment (and grey is 5 years outdated so a bad colour to pick).

I think this will get worse, OP. How much would a similar place cost you in the same area (or another area you like)?

In their position, I would have gifted you the house and you could do the cabinets as you please.

I wonder if the cash they've invested in buying hosue needs to make some kind of return for them ie an income. So either this or an annuity or some other investment so they can live off the return to suppliment their pension income.

I think very few people can gift houses like that.

It may be why they are being strict with painting as if this goes pair shape they may need to rent the house out properly or sell to get the cash back so they can live off it another way.

That sounds unlikely.

Even when you buy with cash (as most landlords and investors do as it allows you to buy quickly and at auction etc...) if you rent then you then mortgage the property after buying.

How do you know your parents finances so well?

I know you are technically a tenant, but I honestly think any reasonable parent, even in the position of landlord, would trust you to make a few changes. I know for a fact that if my parents had been in a position to make a gesture like that, they would have ordered me to make it my home - obviously with the proviso that I wasn’t planning on knocking down walls or anything. We’re talking about a bit of paint. Your dad’s ‘help’ comes with strings and it seems as though he wants to control you. It doesn’t matter that you wouldn’t be allowed to make changes in any other rental. The point is this isn’t any other rental. I think he’s being ridiculous and controlling and I would honestly rather live anywhere else than be made to feel like a child.

I think your dad could see that you would be asking for multiple changes if he didn't put his foot down? You wanted to change the bathroom flooring (fair enough) then started on about the kitchen cabinets being a boring colour. He possibly feels that you are taking the piss a bit. If there's nothing actually wrong with the kitchen cupboards, ie they're in good condition, the colour doesn't really matter so much. They are usable and the appearance isn't untidy or scruffy, with missing handles or broken hinges? The colour really isn't important. I would be irritated too I'm afraid. Maybe he wouldn't object to your painting the walls to change the decor to something you prefer, that's a lot less hassle than trying to alter the cabinet doors.

I agree he doesn't sound a pleasant character and it would grate on me that I needed his help to house myself and my dependants, but I wouldn't be kicking too much, annoying though it is. Don't do anything he hasn't agreed to.

FWIW our kitchen has had a DIY process applied to it and it looks utterly shit and depresses me every time I go in there. I can't see it being changed any time soon either, so I'll just have to continue putting up with it. I do sympathise with you but it could be worse, by a long chalk.

As someone who has been house hunting recently, any house with grey kitchen (or windows, or carpet, or wallpaper etc) is ignored. Horrid, dull, dark colour which has been so trendy recently but is the green bathroom suite of the next decade or so for me. So yes, grey would devalue IMO.

This house is clearly an investment for your parents.

If you want freedom to do what you want, can you buy your own place?

Painting kitchen cupboards is seldom a good idea, it ultimately scratches and looks terrible, even with a professional removing the doors, priming and spray painting it will only last for a limited time.

personally I’d not do it anyway, simply as although they are your parents, you’re reliant on their good will, and they are his cupboards not yours, a major fall out where he asks you to leave is not something you can sustain, and I’m guessing the discount is much more signficant than you are letting on, as otherwise you’d not be reliant on them.

you have secure housing, and parents supporting you, don’t let a bunch of people on line try to ruin that for you by urging you to do it anyway.

12k a year, between two- it may not take them over the tax threshold depending what else they do. If they are retired, this is their pension income.
They could invest their money more effectively than in a house with all the costs renting out entails.

I just cannot relate to parents like this at all. My dps would not have exerted this petty control, nor would I to my dc. Yes they are her landlord, she is paying them but they are her parents above all.

landlords often don't allow tenants to decorate.

It may feel unfair and yes, they are your mum and dad and maybe they should be more flexible, but these are the terms under which your parents are renting to you and the days when you were a kid and could shout it's not FAIIIIIIR and stomp off to your bedroom are long gone (my dad used to take the piss and call it the zombie stomp when I had my teenage tantrums 😂)

Your choices are accept those terms and live there, or don't accept them and find somewhere else to live. Where you probably won't be able to make changes either, will pay more rent and have less security.

If you feel your parents are doing this in order to have control over your life then you should consider whether this is a price you are willing to pay or whether your independence and freedom is non negotiable, in which case you may need to find a different rental.

I'm a LL and I would not let my tenants paint the kitchen cupboards. If you don't like the house then move somewhere else.

Honestly, I could not get worked up over it. You have guaranteed, secure accommodation for you and your children. That counts for a lot.