Whats the Right Thing to Do with Boyfriend Moving in and Bills etc?

bigkahunaburger · 2025-08-07T16:58:50+00:00

So I divorced 8 years ago and go spectacularly burned financially. Im super fearful of that happening again. Anyway, madly in love for the first time since my divorce to the most wonderful man. He spends almost all week with me now and something has to give because I think soon we will have to make it official that he moves in. All the tooing and frowing for him must be getting to him. And we are very serious about each other. So I own my place. He rents - 850 a month for a 1 bedder in (his words) a shithole. I live in a 2 bed very lovely coach house in a way better area. He loves where I live and loves staying at mine. Theres zero parking at his and I have a garage and three parking spaces weirdly. Anyway, i want to protect myself and doing a bit of research, it seems to suggest I should get him to sign a lodger agreement. Is that right? And what would be fair to charge him? The going rate for the other room? On spare room it would be about 800 inc bills. That seems quite unfair of me though because he is giving up his own place to live with me. From what I have read, I can't let him contribute in any way to mortgage, or maintenance - like renovating or replacing a boiler - as then he'd have a claim on my place. So i thought make it a lodger rate for the room and bills included. Then he won't have his name on any bills and that protects me further I believe. Also, should I wait for him to ask to move in with me, or should I be the one asking? I dont want to pressure him, and I don't really know how to present it. I would love to hear from anyone whose been though this, and how best I should move forward. I feel the conversation may be imminent and I want to be fully prepared and not get swept away by the romance of it all! Thanks everyone.

RubyMentor · 07/08/2025 18:02

Personally I’d pay the mortgage myself and split the bills and food etc I know that he would be living rent free but then would have no claim on your property should you split in the future.

Original poster

bigkahunaburger · 07/08/2025 18:14

Gosh thats a lot of money though. Why should he live rent free? I don't.

Also, I believe if he is on the bills or claims he paid for half the bills he could have a claim? Whereas the lodger agreement thats covered.

Charging him the going rate for the room (800) seems a bit stingy of me though. Maybe I should go half - 400 which includes bills? My water, gas, council tax (Ill lose my single person) are all quite a lot. That way for him hes saving a bunch cos he pays 850 plus bills.

God this is hard. I would LOVE to live together though. I miss him when he goes - which isn't much now. But I can't be totally driven by romance.

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UninterestedBeing12 · 07/08/2025 18:15

So I own my place. He rents - 850 a month for a 1 bedder in (his words) a shithole

Dont move him in...

Original poster

bigkahunaburger · 07/08/2025 18:16

UninterestedBeing12 · 07/08/2025 18:15

So I own my place. He rents - 850 a month for a 1 bedder in (his words) a shithole

Dont move him in...

But I love him, I want to be with him forever. I really want to share our lives together - but obviously want to protect my asset. Surely I can do both?

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DiggingHoles · 07/08/2025 18:17

This relationship sounds really new. Is that right?

In which case I would not think of moving in together for at least a year.

notapizzaeater · 07/08/2025 18:18

Even if you charge him the rent he’s currently paying he would be better off as he’s no bills. Plus half the food.

UninterestedBeing12 · 07/08/2025 18:18

But does he want to live with you.

It sounds very teenage girl rather than mature woman.

FeedingPidgeons · 07/08/2025 18:18

You should be ok with a lodger or cohabitation agreement that clearly states his rights (or lack thereof).

I would split the difference, if 800 is the going rate for a room then 400 is crazy cheap. 600 sounds about right.

Coastliner · 07/08/2025 18:26

I would suggest £600, also keeps you below the tax threshold. Rent a room you can charge £625 max. Also watch his reaction when you suggest he pays rent. If he's happy then all good, if he's offended then you've got a CL on your hands. You sound a bit starstruck though and dare I say maybe "love bombed". Tread carefully.

outerspacepotato · 07/08/2025 18:26

How long have you been with this guy?

If you really can't live without moving this guy in, who of course loves where you live better than his "shithole" and loves staying with you, GET LEGAL ADVICE!!!!!!!!

You've already fucked yourself financially once and you're risking it again.

Original poster

bigkahunaburger · 07/08/2025 18:32

Coastliner · 07/08/2025 18:26

I would suggest £600, also keeps you below the tax threshold. Rent a room you can charge £625 max. Also watch his reaction when you suggest he pays rent. If he's happy then all good, if he's offended then you've got a CL on your hands. You sound a bit starstruck though and dare I say maybe "love bombed". Tread carefully.

Another reason I want to charge him a decent amount. His reaction will be telling won't it.

To other posters - Im asking on here because I want to protect myself, and I will. I won't ever put myself at risk again. But I do deserve to be happy. Why should I live the rest of my life living alone when I don't want to? I just need to make sure my asset is protected.

Im 50 btw. Im not a silly teenager, and Im not being love-bombed. Ive dated for 8 years to find this man, had several relationship that weren't right. Anyway, we love each other and want to be together, but I need to be cautious Im aware of that. I just want to know what people think is reasonable.

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Original poster

bigkahunaburger · 07/08/2025 18:34

And if he is a cocklodger, Im being love bombed or hes just a wrong 'un he will be a lodger with zero rights and I can just kick him out and Ive lost nothing! Simple.

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Original poster

bigkahunaburger · 07/08/2025 18:35

UninterestedBeing12 · 07/08/2025 18:18

But does he want to live with you.

It sounds very teenage girl rather than mature woman.

Why? Im not being defensive, but why can't a mature woman want to live with her boyfriend? Isn't that the norm afterall. Most of us don't want to be in a loving relationship and live separately forever do we?

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Original poster

bigkahunaburger · 07/08/2025 18:36

RubyMentor · 07/08/2025 18:02

Personally I’d pay the mortgage myself and split the bills and food etc I know that he would be living rent free but then would have no claim on your property should you split in the future.

Yes but a real cocklodger would love this wouldn't they? Thats my worry.

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Blushingm · 07/08/2025 18:36

RubyMentor · 07/08/2025 18:02

Personally I’d pay the mortgage myself and split the bills and food etc I know that he would be living rent free but then would have no claim on your property should you split in the future.

If he can show he’s contributing to the household - on the mortgage or not - he will face a claim

Original poster

bigkahunaburger · 07/08/2025 18:39

Blushingm · 07/08/2025 18:36

If he can show he’s contributing to the household - on the mortgage or not - he will face a claim

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Yes I think thats right. If he contributes to the bills - even if they aren't in his name I belive?? So safetest is lodger agreement where bills are included right?

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Whiningatwine · 07/08/2025 18:40

Say his share of bills is £400. He pays that to you. The remaining £450 you split between you so £225 each and put in a fixed term savings account each. If the relationship breaksdown you both walk away with your own little savings pot; if it doesn't you both have the same amount you can then put towards a property together or a holiday or whatever.

Mrsttcno1 · 07/08/2025 18:42

You love him, want to live with him, and want him to walk away from his own home to have no security whatsoever living with you then for me, I wouldn’t expect him to pay anywhere near the going rate for a lodger. And more than that if I were in his shoes I’d say nope, I’m not going to pay towards an asset I don’t have an interest in & especially when I’d also have no security so at the drop of a hat I’d be homeless should the relationship end.

He may then be saving a lot of money yes, and “living rent free” but he also could end up homeless overnight which is a hefty cost and an awful thing to have hanging over you really. I wouldn’t want to be in that position and I also wouldn’t want to put someone I love in that position.

beetr00 · 07/08/2025 18:48

You are right to be cautious @bigkahunaburger

Are you really sure you want to live with a man again? 😉😁

If so, look at this but even better, get legal advice before you ask him to move in.

It's going to be a tricky conversation so be very sure of your options and what you'll be comfortable with.

Coconutter24 · 07/08/2025 18:53

bigkahunaburger · 07/08/2025 18:32

Another reason I want to charge him a decent amount. His reaction will be telling won't it.

To other posters - Im asking on here because I want to protect myself, and I will. I won't ever put myself at risk again. But I do deserve to be happy. Why should I live the rest of my life living alone when I don't want to? I just need to make sure my asset is protected.

Im 50 btw. Im not a silly teenager, and Im not being love-bombed. Ive dated for 8 years to find this man, had several relationship that weren't right. Anyway, we love each other and want to be together, but I need to be cautious Im aware of that. I just want to know what people think is reasonable.

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How long have you been with him?

ChuppaChupp · 07/08/2025 19:00

How long have you been dating? Is there a reason he is renting a shitty bedsit? I assume he is a similar age.

I think you should work out your all your costs first costs first so you know what your starting point is. Include everything, service charges, garden bin charge, tv subscriptions, insurance, loss of single person discount for council tax everything you can think of. You don’t necessarily want him to contribute to everything but it would be useful for you to know all your costs.

Id have thought a cohabitation agreement would be most suitable but I’m not a lawyer. You can research it and see what you think.

I don’t think there is a right or wrong amount to charge but you would be silly to undercharge by too much. I’d maybe go with £600 plus bills. You can then see how things are going and can see if you want to lower the rent then.

I’d make sure you both agree to sit down and ‘review’ your arrangement after a set time, maybe after 6 months.

It will make life much easier if you and your partner get comfortable with discussing things like this. You see so many threads on here where women are uncomfortable about discussing finances. It’s better if you start as you mean to go on.

Original poster

bigkahunaburger · 07/08/2025 19:03

Mrsttcno1 · 07/08/2025 18:42

You love him, want to live with him, and want him to walk away from his own home to have no security whatsoever living with you then for me, I wouldn’t expect him to pay anywhere near the going rate for a lodger. And more than that if I were in his shoes I’d say nope, I’m not going to pay towards an asset I don’t have an interest in & especially when I’d also have no security so at the drop of a hat I’d be homeless should the relationship end.

He may then be saving a lot of money yes, and “living rent free” but he also could end up homeless overnight which is a hefty cost and an awful thing to have hanging over you really. I wouldn’t want to be in that position and I also wouldn’t want to put someone I love in that position.

I agree with this. I also worry that its one hell of a responsibility on me isn't it. I know only too well how hard it is to find a rental, and say it isn't working out for whatever reason, I would feel awful that he would have to go through that and find somewhere else, which could take ages. He's self-employed too which I know makes it even harder.

Gosh this is really hard.

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Original poster

bigkahunaburger · 07/08/2025 19:04

ChuppaChupp · 07/08/2025 19:00

How long have you been dating? Is there a reason he is renting a shitty bedsit? I assume he is a similar age.

I think you should work out your all your costs first costs first so you know what your starting point is. Include everything, service charges, garden bin charge, tv subscriptions, insurance, loss of single person discount for council tax everything you can think of. You don’t necessarily want him to contribute to everything but it would be useful for you to know all your costs.

Id have thought a cohabitation agreement would be most suitable but I’m not a lawyer. You can research it and see what you think.

I don’t think there is a right or wrong amount to charge but you would be silly to undercharge by too much. I’d maybe go with £600 plus bills. You can then see how things are going and can see if you want to lower the rent then.

I’d make sure you both agree to sit down and ‘review’ your arrangement after a set time, maybe after 6 months.

It will make life much easier if you and your partner get comfortable with discussing things like this. You see so many threads on here where women are uncomfortable about discussing finances. It’s better if you start as you mean to go on.

Edited

He isn't renting a shitty bedsit. He is renting a gorgeous flat, but in the city centre where he works, so the surrounding area is very built up, noisey, and overcrowded and he doesn't like it.

I live 20 miles away in a lovely village by the sea. We spend most of our time here.

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outerspacepotato · 07/08/2025 19:05

How long have you been together?

You sure are defensive with this we deserve to be together dramatic stuff.

Nothing's keeping you from seeing each other. But, despite being 50 and having already been screwed financially, you're rushing to move some dude in.

You need to talk to a lawyer and your financial advisor about how to legally protect your assets from a possible claim from a live in bf.

Original poster

bigkahunaburger · 07/08/2025 19:07

outerspacepotato · 07/08/2025 19:05

How long have you been together?

You sure are defensive with this we deserve to be together dramatic stuff.

Nothing's keeping you from seeing each other. But, despite being 50 and having already been screwed financially, you're rushing to move some dude in.

You need to talk to a lawyer and your financial advisor about how to legally protect your assets from a possible claim from a live in bf.

Yes, being in love and wanting to live with your partner is soooooo dramatic.

Ugh.

I got my answer. Thanks everyone for contributing.

I will go now and be an hysterical woman elsewhere. 😣

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