Whats the Right Thing to Do with Boyfriend Moving in and Bills etc?

[bigkahunaburger]

So I divorced 8 years ago and go spectacularly burned financially. Im super fearful of that happening again.

Anyway, madly in love for the first time since my divorce to the most wonderful man. He spends almost all week with me now and something has to give because I think soon we will have to make it official that he moves in. All the tooing and frowing for him must be getting to him. And we are very serious about each other.

So I own my place. He rents - 850 a month for a 1 bedder in (his words) a shithole. I live in a 2 bed very lovely coach house in a way better area. He loves where I live and loves staying at mine. Theres zero parking at his and I have a garage and three parking spaces weirdly.

Anyway, i want to protect myself and doing a bit of research, it seems to suggest I should get him to sign a lodger agreement. Is that right? And what would be fair to charge him? The going rate for the other room? On spare room it would be about 800 inc bills. That seems quite unfair of me though because he is giving up his own place to live with me. From what I have read, I can't let him contribute in any way to mortgage, or maintenance - like renovating or replacing a boiler - as then he'd have a claim on my place. So i thought make it a lodger rate for the room and bills included. Then he won't have his name on any bills and that protects me further I believe.

Also, should I wait for him to ask to move in with me, or should I be the one asking? I dont want to pressure him, and I don't really know how to present it.

I would love to hear from anyone whose been though this, and how best I should move forward. I feel the conversation may be imminent and I want to be fully prepared and not get swept away by the romance of it all!

Thanks everyone.

He does pay a lot when we go out for food and entry fees etc. And his petrol bill must be ginormous

Ok, so why are you letting him pay? Do you offer? It all sounds very old fashioned. Do you just stand there and let him pay 🤔 If you get on so well how about sitting down now and agreeing to split all costs. It’s fairer and easier. It’s incredible easy to do with apps such as Splitwise etc.

4 months! I’ve got cheese older than that!

Yeh I am terribly bad at that, and get taken advantage of. Im very generous, and love to fuss over people, but the tightwads see me coming! Im aware of who they are. (Im looking at you brother, and my niece). I do have to make sure he isnt one of those. He certainly doesnt seem to be, but as everyone says its early doors.

I pay for things all the time. I dont think the man should pay if that is what you are driving at. I buy him presents, food, I try and pay for food, and he lets me sometimes, sometimes he gets it. Hes not tight, and neither am I.

Its my birthday tomorrow and he offered to take me for a fancy dinner, night in a hotel etc, but actually all I wanted was to go to this particular historic site with him and come home and have a take away. So thats what we are doing. I dont know what hes got me, but its exciting to spend my birthday with him. Im not usually into my birthday - but today Im like 'its my birthday eve' :)

If you want to share your life together and get married then you have to face the fact that you leave your assets open to being shared out should you split later on.

That’s marriage for you. If you were a man, people would be telling your girlfriend to get her name on the deeds PDQ.

4 summer months with neither of you really working, in your idyllic cottage by the sea? Is this a Jenny Colgan novel?

Real life: competing for the bathroom as you're both late for work, coming in exhausted and facing the other person's breakfast dishes in the sink, arguing about who shops and who cooks and who washes up, or the person who was going to cook 'having' to go out with people from work, irritation with little personality quirks, who puts the bins out when it's pouring with rain, or brings them in. Need I go on?

I agree with the PPs who suggest enjoying these halcyon days without making any plans now, then reviewing the situation in 12 months.

This made me laugh because its so true. Im in a bubble - things will be quite different when I get back to work.

Thanks everyone. I can see Im being a bit of a knob. I will reassess in a year.

Thank you wise ones. Just goes to show doesn't matter how old you get we can all get swept up in romance. And there was me worried I was turning into a complete cynical old pessimist who scoffed at romcoms.

OP,
Thanks everyone. I can see Im being a bit of a knob. I will reassess in a year.

Maybe you are a being a bit daft but don’t let that stop you from having a fantastic time with you BF. It sounds like a fun and exciting time for your both. It’s how it should be!!!

Enjoy it for what it is and wait and see how things go.

Really? So if the time came where we wanted to marry can I protect my home, and my future inheritance (which will be substantial)? Is that possible?

I would want to be able to walk away with my home and the inheritance from my parents if I divorced again.

You can protect your home and future inheritance but not via a pre-nup.

Before you do anything, whether thats just him living in your house or buying together or getting married you need to get legal advice.
It might cost a bit but it could save you hundreds of thousands in the event things dont work out.

Generally the advice is that if you have substantial assets its probably best not to get married unless you accept that you could lose it all in divorce.

I am divorced and I'd never marry again, I have too much to lose in the event I got divorced again.
Even my DD who is early 20's doesnt want to get married and plans to buy her own house and if she meets someone they can then buy another property together.