Whats the Right Thing to Do with Boyfriend Moving in and Bills etc?

[bigkahunaburger]

So I divorced 8 years ago and go spectacularly burned financially. Im super fearful of that happening again.

Anyway, madly in love for the first time since my divorce to the most wonderful man. He spends almost all week with me now and something has to give because I think soon we will have to make it official that he moves in. All the tooing and frowing for him must be getting to him. And we are very serious about each other.

So I own my place. He rents - 850 a month for a 1 bedder in (his words) a shithole. I live in a 2 bed very lovely coach house in a way better area. He loves where I live and loves staying at mine. Theres zero parking at his and I have a garage and three parking spaces weirdly.

Anyway, i want to protect myself and doing a bit of research, it seems to suggest I should get him to sign a lodger agreement. Is that right? And what would be fair to charge him? The going rate for the other room? On spare room it would be about 800 inc bills. That seems quite unfair of me though because he is giving up his own place to live with me. From what I have read, I can't let him contribute in any way to mortgage, or maintenance - like renovating or replacing a boiler - as then he'd have a claim on my place. So i thought make it a lodger rate for the room and bills included. Then he won't have his name on any bills and that protects me further I believe.

Also, should I wait for him to ask to move in with me, or should I be the one asking? I dont want to pressure him, and I don't really know how to present it.

I would love to hear from anyone whose been though this, and how best I should move forward. I feel the conversation may be imminent and I want to be fully prepared and not get swept away by the romance of it all!

Thanks everyone.

Why not rent your house out and both get a place together?

Donkeys years ago I moved in with a bf who owned his flat. I contributed a flat rate for food/bills - about 400 a month if memory serves (this was 25 years ago!) The idea was that I would then save the money I used to spend in rent for my own asset- either towards a property of my own (to rent out), or towards a joint deposit should we have bought something together later; something that would equalise our position and not leave me with nothing if we broke up (which we did anyway after 2 years)

Overreact much?

You really are avoiding the question how long you've been with this guy.

OP, unless I have missed it, you haven't mentioned how long you have been together?

Is it enough time to have been on a few holidays/family get togethers/gone through some sticky patches/seen his bad side and vice versa?

Remember the old Mumsnet classic:
There is no one more in love than someone who needs a roof over their head (or something like that 🫠)
It's concerning that he hates his flat and living circumstances.

But time is on very much on your side.
No rush to make a family together etc. 🌼

Get legal advice. This is far too important to take risks with your (presumably primary) asset at 50.

He isn’t a lodger, lodgers don’t share a bedroom with the owner, you would need a cohabitation agreement rather than a lodger agreement.

When my husband moved in I had him pay 1/3 of bills, apart from the council tax he paid half of that as I lost my single person discount. We also had a cohabitation agreement done. He was in a good position though, he owned, so if the relationship ended suddenly he wouldn’t be homeless, where as your boyfriend would.

Even if you had a lodger agreement it wouldn’t hold up anyway to be honest- as others have said a genuine lodger doesn’t share a bed with the owner.

Given you haven’t said the length of relationship I think it’s pretty safe to assume that the answer is- not long enough.

This is a good idea.

I don't respect men who want to move into the home I own. Ill bet he does love it and is looking forward to free accommodation. Why doesn't he have his own place?
Sorry that wouldn't be happening here.

How long have you been together?

It's a good idea except for the fact that if they ever bought together, then she'd be providing virtually all of the money.

OP, you need to think carefully about this. Let's say you charge him £600 per month. You would gain a few hundred for the inconvenience of having him there - extra bills, extra mess, wear and tear - and he would have a bargain as he is paying less than he is now.

Think of the future. You're in your fifties - what happens when he retires? Does he have a pension that means he can continue to pay rent? Does he think at that point he shouldn't pay it because you should want him to live rent-free? What about when his business no longer brings in money? How would he pay the rent?

I don't think anyone should live rent-free with their partner if their partner owns their house. I don't think that's fair at all. And you will probably have heard the saying on here about nobody falling in love quicker than someone who needs a home...

If you have a spare bedroom, you could say to this guy you're thinking of having a lodger to bring in some more money as you want to pay more into your pension. Tell him you've looked on Gumtree and this is what the going rate is. See what he has to say.

OP He isn't renting a shitty bedsit. He is renting a gorgeous flat,

sorry about that. you said he lived in a ‘(his words) a shithole so I’d taken that to mean the flat not the area. I misread it. Anyway is there a reason he is renting?

Few things to answer.

Hes 44. Im 50. He is self-employed and has a pension. He had a house with his ex, and they sold it 5 years ago. He didn't get much out of it. He rents because he doesn't have enough for a deposit. Many many people rent, Im fine with that. I have no issue with that. I dont judge people for being renters.
We've known each other a long time, but the love and living in each others pockets developed in the past 4 months. I am a planner now (due to my history) so for me I wouldn't want to be moving in together until around christmas, so I wanted to know in preparation for that conversation. We've spent a lot of time together, family get togethers etc, trips away etc, he has seen me at my worst -difficult times for me and supported me - I haven't with him - he is a very steady character (which I love). I have no issue with that. Id owned for decades, had a horrid divorce, and had to rent for the past 7 years but I built up to buy again (which was extremely hard), and only achieved that last year.

Whilst I don't want to stitch him up, and I realise he would be vulnerable, at the end of the day my priority is myself and my future. Ive been at risk of homelessness myself in the past decade and it was horrendous.

This thread has helped me to confirm I really do need to pay for legal advice if and when the time comes. Its too risky not to.

I am afraid that I agree with the others that you are dodging one very important question....how long have you been together? If its 5 years and you have been waiting for kids to leave or similar then understandable. If its 5 months (sounds like it has been to be honest) then you are walking into a disaster with a love bombing cock lodger. Ask me how I know.......

I am 52 so same age as you practically, and I would want to protect my assets too because I have also been screwed over in the past (see above) . for that reason I have decided that I will not be living with anyone again unless they, like me own a mortgage free property. Then both properties can be protected and no one is losing out.. Living together is simply not something that I believe can work where there is a mismatch like you have. Too much risk on the side of the person with greater assets to their name, or rather any assets at all when with someone who has none.

ETA I see that it has only been 4 months, PUT THE BRAKES ON!!!!

4 months in you are still in the "cant get enough of each other, shagging all day and night" stage. That isnt love its limerance! In time deep proper love may grow but it will take a lot longer than 8 bloody months!

You are 50 not 15, time you started acting like it. Sorry to be harsh but there it is.

No need to apologise - I wasn't clear. Some people would love it there as its in the centre of everything but to him its a 'shithole' because its so built up and busy and he loves how quiet and peaceful where I am is. It really is lovely, and I feel lucky to live here and proud that despite my exes best efforts - I rebuilt my nest egg back up. A giant fuck you to him! lol. Which is why Im so cautious now, although some here would say not cautious enough.
I will get lawyered up before I do anything. I do have form for letting my heart rule my head, but not this time.

NO, OP. N.O. You’re in the limerance phase. If you’re still there in a year, move him in. In the meantime he can stay over all he likes but he keeps his flat.

Im so sorry you went through that. But dont you feel you are denying yourself the potential of missing out on the love of your life, on happiness, when you could protect your assets and still be with someone?

But you are with him! He spends most of his time at your place. You're not denying yourself.

could it work for you, initially, to have him spend more time at yours, say 3 or 4 days but he'd still keep his place and contribute to your combined food bill?

4 months is very early to be going "all in" @bigkahunaburger but if you know, you know, don't you? (especially at the grand old age of 50 😉😄)

Ok. Maybe I am being a massive bellend.

I haven't jumped into the first relationship though. Ive been divorced 8 years and dated heaps and had a few relationship but never fell in love. So this is a long time coming. I was starting to feel like it would never happen for me again tbh.

But you are right. I need to calm my farm. lol

Have you discussed living together though? It seems like it hasn't come up yet so how do you know he wants that?

The fairest thing to do would be to rent somewhere together...that way your both making the commitment.

If a love is worth having, then it is worth not rushing over. If it is truly something special, then the last thing you will want to do is to rush in too quickly. Take your time. Wait through the seasons. Wait for the honeymoon phase to wear through a little, then wait through an argument that happens after that, then reasses. The worst thing that can happen is that he spends a little more on rent, if you wait. Whereas finding out the relationship needed more time, when you will be living together with nowhere to run and cool off seperately, when he will be homeless otherwise... thats just not a good way to treat a new relationship that you want to last. You would not be doing right by each other by putting yourselves in that position.
And get legal advice before moving him in. Rent a room scheme is a good shout but there's more outside that.

Its not the same as living with someone though is it?

Slow down, OP. It takes at least a couple of years to get to know someone on a deeper level. If you get burned financially again, you're a lot older to make that money back up again, you should be proud of what you've achieved on your own merit. If you do need to live together, then rent your home out and rent somewhere together dividing all the costs by 50/50 and see how it goes for a year or so?

4 months OP. It takes more than 4 months to really know someone. You would be crazy to move him in at this stage. Wait atleast a year and see how you feel about it then. You can still spend plenty of time together but you're old enough to know that relationships tend to change over time; you will both relax and be less attentive to each other and maybe you will see unpleasant sides of him that you couldn't live with.