Whats the Right Thing to Do with Boyfriend Moving in and Bills etc?

[bigkahunaburger]

So I divorced 8 years ago and go spectacularly burned financially. Im super fearful of that happening again.

Anyway, madly in love for the first time since my divorce to the most wonderful man. He spends almost all week with me now and something has to give because I think soon we will have to make it official that he moves in. All the tooing and frowing for him must be getting to him. And we are very serious about each other.

So I own my place. He rents - 850 a month for a 1 bedder in (his words) a shithole. I live in a 2 bed very lovely coach house in a way better area. He loves where I live and loves staying at mine. Theres zero parking at his and I have a garage and three parking spaces weirdly.

Anyway, i want to protect myself and doing a bit of research, it seems to suggest I should get him to sign a lodger agreement. Is that right? And what would be fair to charge him? The going rate for the other room? On spare room it would be about 800 inc bills. That seems quite unfair of me though because he is giving up his own place to live with me. From what I have read, I can't let him contribute in any way to mortgage, or maintenance - like renovating or replacing a boiler - as then he'd have a claim on my place. So i thought make it a lodger rate for the room and bills included. Then he won't have his name on any bills and that protects me further I believe.

Also, should I wait for him to ask to move in with me, or should I be the one asking? I dont want to pressure him, and I don't really know how to present it.

I would love to hear from anyone whose been though this, and how best I should move forward. I feel the conversation may be imminent and I want to be fully prepared and not get swept away by the romance of it all!

Thanks everyone.

Stop! I have started wearing thongs and sexy nighties - which I havent done in decades lol. I feel so alive its awesome. Its like my fanny has suddenly woken up haha

Four months is very early days I’m 3 years in and I know now I won’t be moving into his and putting myself at risk as I currently rent. I’d have said the same at 4 months , but now no way , you need to give it more time, you’ve not seen the real him as yet I’m sure, just enjoy it for now.

It's powerful stuff. It can make us reckless.

Seriously though, there's no rush. Just enjoy it for the minute. Go away on holiday or something.

It’s the endorphins! Honestly I bet your skin is fab and glowing too!

@bigkahunaburger I would split all bills excluding mortgage 50/50 including groceries. Cohabitation agreement in place so he can't claim on the house. Mortgage and renovation costs for you to sort and review his contribution to bills every 6 months or so, as they will go up over time and this makes sure he pays his fair share then I would save the money you're no longer spending on bills. He should do the same and if in a few years you want to buy a house together, ring fence your deposit accordingly

Would one solution be that if he moved in, he kept his flat for at least six months. He would have to keep paying his rent, so his financial contribution to you would be limited to basically covering his costs, which might be a similar amount to what he currently pays in his flat.

If it didn't work out, he could move back to his flat, so he wouldn't be homeless. Neither of you would be greatly better or worse off financially. But he also wouldn't have any claim as he wouldn't have contributed much.

OP, if/when the time comes to discuss moving in, why not ask him what he considers a fair contribution?

Slow down OP.

Can you see that thinking about moving him in after only 4 months is very unusual? If he hates where he lives then surely the solution is that he looks for another place to rent on his own for a year or so while your relationship develops at a normal pace?

It worries me that you have instead jumped straight to him moving in. Are you a rescuer personality? Have a read up on this and see if it rings true.

Definitely get legal advice on the best way to approach this but also wait. He can move closer if he wants. But it’s way too early for him to move in

I am sorry I was harsh but I felt it needed to be said! I remember those first few months and they are utterly intoxicating. But they are temporary in that true deep love doesnt involve not being able to keep your hands off each other all the time. It involves not having sex for a couple of weeks because one of you is ill and the other one being understanding about it. Its about him holding your hair when you are puking with illness (or gin....whatever!) and you bringing him the dressing gown of doom when he has a cold...sorry, the plague. Its about putting up with the less than pleasant members of his family and him being nice to your boss even though the boss is a dick to you.

Its about surviving real life, knowing the faults and foibles and then still finding each other sexy and attractive in a deeper sense than just "I want to sit on your face!".

I had a 5 year relationship that ended late last year as we're basically, incompatible. But I loved him very much and we made the joint decision to not live with each other as we were secure and happy with how things were. We prioritised the times we were together (usually every other long weekend and one night in the week) and talked every day when apart. I wasnt denying myself anything, there are other healthy ways to have relationships than living together or being married.

I am sure that when the fanny gallops ease a little (I have to admit, I miss those!) you will start to think a little straighter. I hope it works out, I really do, and thats why we are all suggesting you need to slow down. Going at it like a bull at a gate is more likely to have it fail than slow and steady. Enjoy!

If he is self-employed but there isn't any work during the summer period, why isn't he taking care of himself financially and either doing other work during time or working for an employer part-time? Has he really not had the chance to do any work or has he enjoyed just doing nothing with you?

Fabulous and genuine post.

OP, it’s fantastic that you are so happy in your relationship and I think it’s a really great sign that you are also thinking ahead about what happens if/when he moves in. As long as you give it some thought and take steps to protect your house etc then I don’t see the risk of him moving in. It’s not like you are going to have kids together. If he moves in and it doesn’t work out then he has to move out. I don’t see the problem.
I wouldn’t marry him though!

As someone who ended up with a CL I think your idea of a lodger’s agreement is an excellent one. Good luck! Hopefully you’ll never need to kick him out

He is still working but its leaner months and he has savings that cover it. Im not working at all. So we have had more time than we would usually to be together was my point. Its like we are on holiday a lot we spend days together. That was my point - so only 4 months but spending a lot of time together. Once September hits things will different which will suck.

Only 1 person has mentioned about him contributing now....so I also want to mention it.

He stays at yours and lot so is eating food and presumably having baths/showers and helping his washing.

What is he currently contributing?
Is he going half for the food that is purchased?
Is he paying for water and electric he is using as he's saving money at his flat?

Whatever the answer to this will be very telling.....

Also pre-nups in the UK are not really a thing, although you can have one there are lots of cases where they dont stand up in a divorce court.
Once a marriage goes over 5 years its considered a long marriage and all assets are in the 'pot'

Why do you want to marry him?
What difference would it make to your relationship?

I know you can't dictate what he should do, but...I'd be suggesting the Lodger Agreement, on a very cheap 450/500, on the proviso that he waves the difference to eventually put a deposit on an investment property.

Down the line, should you break up, he has no claim on your place, but he does have a toe in the property market himself. Should things go so brilliantly that 10 years from now you're both still in love, you'll both have places you can sell, buy something together and use any leftover funds to kick start your retirement adventures.

Should he find a way to waste his savings, then that's a red flag.

If you're both committed, this could be a win/win. If he slackens off on work, because he too busy with you (pussystruck?) and wastes the extra funds, that would give me the ick.

sortingitout

See I disagree. I treat him as a guest. Id be mortified if he offered me money for showers??? He is a weird eater - he eats beige - and he brings his own food, but I am always trying to get him stuff in I know he likes because, well hes my guest. As I say, hes back and forth. His work and home is 20 miles away, and he works funny hours - so sometimes has clients from 6-9am then none til 5-9. He might come at 9 and then stay for 36 hours say, then be back 2 days later. I would feel super weird and tight asking him for money for showers!!!! Anyway, we go out all the time (we are history and garden nerds) so we spend hours at abbeys, and castles etc and he does all the driving us around.

But has he offered?
Even if you didn't accept....

Is he your guest or is he your boyfriend?
If you were spending an equal amount of time at his then that's different.
He's practically moved in......how long do you envision him being a guest?

He drives you both around to visit places but who will paying the entry fee and lunch while out?

These comments don’t make sense so please bear with, I read all the time on here about women living with a man for years and years without being married then walking away with nothing because she wasn’t protected financially. And yet now I read if he pays the bills he can stake a claim. Honestly I don’t get it.

What's the phrase I've heard on here before?

"Noone so in love as a man who is looking for somewhere to live"

Wait op. At the moment he has NOTHING to loose. He's paying rent but saving on bills as he's spending so much time at yours. You're getting food in for him, as well as paying extra for utilities when he stays. Of COURSE he'd love to move in with you soon - not only are you looking at losing any benefits but he's also going to be saving money by not renting.

Hold your horses. Seek legal advice - you need to lead with your head rather than your heart (or fanny gallops) as you want to protect yourself.

4 months???

Blimey.

If he pays all bills and food that should be decent amount no?

But also if he looks for a 1 bed near you to rent for a year I’m sure it would be much cheaper than the city centre. You guys could be closer and be more familiar rather than than moving in together after 4 months

and he can experience the reality of living 20miles from his workplace and the commute etc

Rentals was I live are waaaayyyy higher than where he does. So he pays 850 - the equivalent here would be 1400. So thats not an option.

I would never move there either - I hate the city, and I love where I live and my lifestyle and I am walking distance to all my family and friends.

I appreciate all the ideas though, just not right in my situation.

He does pay a lot when we go out for food and entry fees etc. And his petrol bill must be ginormous. I wouldn't feel comfortable asking him or accepting contributions at the minute which is why I was thinking it should be formalised by the end of the year if we are still in the same place. I dont think its right longer term that hes saving a packet and my bills are increasing - I agree.

But OP isn’t thinking to move him in today! She is exploring her options for the future.

OP, I’d love someone to do all the driving so if he’s providing the car and doing the driving I’d be happier to host him. Not sure why you are worrying about his food though.🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s fair enough not wanting to ask for money for showers etc at this stage but that shouldn’t be because you feel ‘super weird and tight’. That’s a silly approach. If it’s a good relationship you should feel comfortable taking about money. Life is expensive and you’ve been shafted in the past by you divorce so it’s sensible to be sensible.