Whats the Right Thing to Do with Boyfriend Moving in and Bills etc?

[bigkahunaburger]

So I divorced 8 years ago and go spectacularly burned financially. Im super fearful of that happening again.

Anyway, madly in love for the first time since my divorce to the most wonderful man. He spends almost all week with me now and something has to give because I think soon we will have to make it official that he moves in. All the tooing and frowing for him must be getting to him. And we are very serious about each other.

So I own my place. He rents - 850 a month for a 1 bedder in (his words) a shithole. I live in a 2 bed very lovely coach house in a way better area. He loves where I live and loves staying at mine. Theres zero parking at his and I have a garage and three parking spaces weirdly.

Anyway, i want to protect myself and doing a bit of research, it seems to suggest I should get him to sign a lodger agreement. Is that right? And what would be fair to charge him? The going rate for the other room? On spare room it would be about 800 inc bills. That seems quite unfair of me though because he is giving up his own place to live with me. From what I have read, I can't let him contribute in any way to mortgage, or maintenance - like renovating or replacing a boiler - as then he'd have a claim on my place. So i thought make it a lodger rate for the room and bills included. Then he won't have his name on any bills and that protects me further I believe.

Also, should I wait for him to ask to move in with me, or should I be the one asking? I dont want to pressure him, and I don't really know how to present it.

I would love to hear from anyone whose been though this, and how best I should move forward. I feel the conversation may be imminent and I want to be fully prepared and not get swept away by the romance of it all!

Thanks everyone.

Id rather drink a shit smoothie than ever ever rent again.
And I wouldn't sell my place - I worked very hard for it, I love where it is, Im surrounded by family, and its perfect for me.

That's fine, but what if he doesn't want to ever live with someone again after his divorce. TBH after 4 months I doubt he has any plans to move in with you OP

Well i do think when you know you know. Im not a serial 'fall in love at the drop of a hat' woman. Ive loved two men in my life - my ex husband of 21 years (who turned out to be a complete knob) and this guy. Ive had lots of relationships since the divorce and my feelings never developed. So I trust myself in how I feel because this is extremely unusual for me. That said, I probably need to calm down.

He currently spends probably 5 days out of 7 with me - back and forth back and forth poor sod. We haven't talked about moving in together, but its just the natural progression of things isn't it?

Goodness me only 4 months!! Please please forget about moving him in completely for now, it is far too soon to even be having those thoughts nevermind making those kind of plans.

Oh he definately does. We have talked in wider terms about what we were both looking for and we both said we want someone to love and grow old with, to be your person. We both want that for sure.

I believe I will marry him. In fact Im sure of it. I just know.

But yeh, I should wait a year for the moving in, and I should get legal advice when it happens.

I’m sorry to say but four months - even if you have known each other for longer is waaaayyyyy too soon. I have food in my freezer older than your relationship. Definitely time to ‘calm the farm’ (great saying by the way, I’ve never heard that one!)

I totally get you are excited, I totally get that you want to spend as much time with him as possible and that both things combined equal taking a ‘next step’. But it’s not this step @bigkahunaburger, not yet. Have you even been on holiday together yet?

You have built a lovely life for yourself after a horrible time, but please don’t jeopardise all of your hard work and recovery. Think with your head and not your heart. If you want to live together then give yourselves a deadline - two years minimum - you’ve not hit a bump in the road yet, and there will be some, even in the most compatible of relationships. Two years. By all means consider in the meantime how that might happen in a way that protects your assets, but don’t move on it, keep it theoretical. Ask him when you’re twelve months in if in another twelve months he might like to move in with you.

There is no need to rush, but every need to tread carefully and slowly.

If you want to be with him forever then you put him
on the deeds/mortgage and do it properly.
As a woman, Mumsnetter’s would be telling you that you were crazy if the other way around!

Absolutely no way. If I married him I would get a pre-nup.

But to add - defo get a prenup to protect your assets but put him on the mortgage going forward. Why should he not be getting on the property ladder just because he is living with you? Not very fair IMO

How long have you known him?
Couldn't he move closer to you initially, if his budget extends to a room in your area.
You need your cocklodger radar switched on 😁😆
Be careful.
£650?

Haha I added this!!

Yes you do both

I work for a university so Ive actually been off work since May pretty much and his business is drastically reduced in this period as its seasonal so we have spent sooooo much time together like a very long staycation. Its been so lovely.

But I do take your point.

Because he has no deposit, he can't get on the property ladder. Thats not my fault. Without me he would still be renting so I don't see how Id be holding him back.

"Well i do think when you know you know. Im not a serial 'fall in love at the drop of a hat' woman. Ive loved two men in my life - my ex husband of 21 years (who turned out to be a complete knob) and this guy."

Your picker does not seem to be trustworthy at picking. Did your ex husband not financially ruin you? And now that you are finally back on your feet after a lot of work, you want to rush into living with someone you've only been involved with for 4 months and risk your main financial asset? I have horseradish in my fridge older than your relationship. You say you knew this guy from before, but being romantically involved is a whole different story.

Do you see a pattern?

Frankly, you sound dickmatized and that is not a state to make life decisions in. Slow your roll. Enjoy your relationship for a while.

Are you afraid he'll dump you if you don't move him in? I just don't see any reason for you to be so over the top about it otherwise.

And that sounds lovely, but in the same way that you said him staying over isn’t the same as him living with you, it’s also not the same as going away together in a completely new place without home comforts. I think holidays are a great litmus test as to how things will or won’t work. Believe you me, when you’ve both had gastroenteritis for a week in Malta then you’ll know if he’s a keeper or not!

In my situation - reader he was not! He was a big whingy baby who hogged the bathroom and drank all the bottled water! Contrast with my favourite person in the world who the first time he met my parents was unfortunate enough to step in a big pile of cat sick in bare feet and said: “Whoops I am so terribly sorry!” It was their cat and it had gone unnoticed because he’d scarfed down all his food too quickly (cat, not favourite person). He was a complete darling about it, even offered to help clean it up and managed to laugh about it. I get happy shivers thinking about what a brilliant person he was in that moment.

I love that you are so happy - keep the vibe going, but no talk of moving in until the twelve month mark rolls around m’kay? Promise?! And have a chat about booking a bit of time away, even a weekend city break. Something nice to look forward to AND will make you feel you are moving forward in the relationship.

Timings aside, when it comes to working out how to sort financial contributions I’d work what it is costing each of you to live separately with rent/mortgage, bills and food, then work out what it’s going to cost to live together. Then work out what your combined saving will be and split that in half. He then contributes whatever he’d worked out his living costs to be alone minus half the joint saving. That way you’re both the same amount of better off for living together.

'dickmatized'. Haha. I LOVE that. Im not scared of him dumping me at all. Its just that honestly I just want to be around him all the time, I miss him when he goes. Which if you knew me is insane for me! All my family and friends know I love my own space, and love to be alone - or I did!

I think you have a point. A weeks holiday away would be great to look forward to and have him all to myself for that long. Ill talk to him about that.

All the people saying if he pays rent he will have a claim on the house yet when a women who has been in a relationship for 30 odd years with kids are told they have no claim as they are not on the deeds when they wish to break up 🤷‍♀️. I’d charge him lodger rates of 600 and then split food etc .. why on earth should he live rent free .. he will still be substantially better off and the op worse off. Will be v telling how he reacts

I'd rent my own house out and move in with HIM. Do the flat up or get another one.

Your asset is protected and you will be in lovey dovey heaven absolutely splitting the costs between you. If it works out after a year well then, think again about moving into your house. If for some reason the starstruck feeling goes out the window, off you go back to your house and he stays renting.

You are star struck and in love, and that's lovely. Enjoy it, but I wouldn't move him in at all.

Doesn't sound as if you've been together long. Deep in the trenches of the fanny gallops and oxytocin.

There's no rush OP.

I do have massive fanny gallops constantly - like this man has me deep deep in the trenches and i was beginning to feel like id never fancy anyone or love anyone ever again!!

As another poster said, I am completely 'dickmatized'. I don't deny it. We literally cant keep our hands off each other - which is a bit gross considering Im ancient.

How much has he been contributing to you while spending most of the week at your house already? As he should have been giving you at least £500 a month for food etc and him using the shower etc means more water more electricity etc etc and any DECENT man would have not just offered but insisted and been paying for food and takeaways as he’s saving £££ otherwise!! THIS shows how much of a cocklodger or a user he is if he hasn’t even offered let alone insisted!!

Don’t say you are ancient, I am four years younger and I feel spring chickenish! I bought something naughty in Ann Summers on Saturday!