It’s a Christmas one sorry! AIBU not inviting my in-laws to spend it with my family?

[OtterlyMad]

Apologies I know Christmas is still bloody ages away but our parents start asking for our Christmas plans as soon as we make it past Easter (!) so we’re under pressure to let them know. I’ll try to keep it brief.

DH has a very small family: his mum and sister (both single and live alone on the opposite side of the country to us) plus a handful of extended family they only see at weddings and funerals.

By comparison, my family is big. It’s normal to be 12+ people for Christmas dinner. My siblings and I have small houses so my mum hosts every year (she has a 4-bed semi so not a mansion by any means) and she never complains but I feel guilty and wish we could host to take the pressure off her. Sadly it’s just not feasible until we upsize which won’t happen for another couple of years yet.

For the first few years of our relationship, DH and I always celebrated Christmas apart, with our respective families. Since we got married we’ve alternated which side we spend it with. This year it’s my family’s turn. But DH always feels bad whenever we don’t see his mum and sister since it’s just the two of them. This year, he suggested that we invite them to spend Christmas with my lot (obviously we would have to ask my mum first but I know she would agree because that’s the sort of person she is). However, I think it’s unfair to place any extra burden on my mum. DH says “it’s only two more people” but that’s on top of a dozen already. Plus my family are used to it being a tight squeeze - some of us end up sitting on the floor, and it’s all elbows at the dinner table - but we muddle through and have a laugh. Frankly I can’t imagine my quiet, reserved in-laws enjoying the ruckus and I wouldn’t be able to relax because I’d be worried the whole time that they were judging my very forward, loud and (probably) drunk family members!

I told DH no and we argued about it. He has accused me of disliking his family (not true), of being selfish (because his mum and sister have to spend the day “on their own” though I’ve pointed out they’re not on their own if they’re together!!) and “gatekeeping my family” (whatever that means). Am I being unreasonable by refusing to invite them?? I just want to continue with the current arrangement where we alternate each year.

P.S. In case anyone is wondering why we can’t split it (e.g. Christmas Day with one side and Boxing Day with the other) DH’s mum and sister live a 6hr+ drive away so it has to be all or nothing really.

So DHs family have the choice of where they spend xmases in future regardless of how OPs family feel about it? The ILs may enjoy the big family Xmas, but if OPs family felt uncomfortable but were making the best of a bad job to be polite, do they not get to say once was enough?

Setting a precedent like that is very risky. The potential for resentment on both sides in future years needs to be thought about. If dh's family come but OPs family then decide that they don't want to offer again, how will dh react? Will he recognise that they were kind to offer but it didn't work out and accept that? Or will he hold a grudge against them for rejecting his family?

If it does go OK, will DPs family host OPs family the next year? Would they all go or would some go to be polite and others not. If they all turned the invite down how would that be received?

I don't think dh appreciates that he could be opening a can of worms.

The question I asked before is, nice for who?

Nice for the two women who may not want to drive three hours in the winter to spend the holiday in a home crowded with strangers? Who we have no indication that they’re unhappy at all with the way things are, only that OP’s DH doesn’t like the alternating. Who aren’t genuinely wanted there by OP, but was pressured by husband?

Nice to the OP who doesn’t want to navigate the change in dynamics that will result from her in-laws being there? Or who is bullied into asking her mom if they can be invited? Who’s husband is name calling and insulting her for saying no?

Nice to OP’s mom who gets to be the bad guy if she says no, she doesn’t want her daughter’s in-laws, who are strangers to her invited and who.missed last Christmas with her daughter due to those same in-laws? Who will absolutely be aware that this means that she still gets to miss 50% of the holidays while the in-laws are at all of them?

Who, exactly is it nice for, other than OP’s dh? He’s the one who doesn’t like his mom and sister being just the two of them on alternate years. But it’s simply not nice or fair to demand they go to his mom’s every year, so the next best thing is to demand OP’s mom accommodate his family.

Why does your husband think that they would want to travel six hours each way to spend Christmas with your extended family when (1) they expected to be on their own this year, with the two of you coming to them next year and (2) they apparently barely see their own extended family?

In a perfect hypothetical scenario, your mum would be totally relaxed about one or two extra people and not at all inconvenienced or concerned whether they say yes or no. And your in-laws would feel completely free to say no, and your husband would accept that perfectly gracefully. And if they did go, your whole family would still behave perfectly naturally as they always do and your in laws would be completely at home with that and everyone would have a wonderful time.

From what you've said, it seems likely that your mother will be a bit flustered by the request no matter how much help is offered, and having the extra guests will impact everyone else attending in unpredictable ways. I'd also worry a little that since your husband is being quite pushy with you, he may also push his family into something they didn't want but agreed to out of politeness (or confusion).

In the end, your husband has to trust and defer to your decision about whether or not to ask your mother to invite them.

Why is a Christmas with two people inherently “sad” and “lonely”? It’s not like they usually have a crowed, raucous Christmas themselves but this year is drastically different - they’ve literally gone from 3 down to 2! It won’t change their plans, they will do exactly the same things as they always do. And actually there were many years before we married where DH and I would have liked to spend Christmas together but didn’t so that we could each see our own lot, so you could argue they got an extra 5 years’ worth of Christmases with DH that many parents don’t get once their child meets their life partner…

Don’t understand all these people saying invite them. Up to the hostess to invite and if she says no think of the ill feeling that will cause with her son in law so effectively if it’s suggested she will feel forced into it. Has anyone asked mother and sister if they are happy with current arrangements? They might not want to travel and be with a crowd they don’t know well. Husband is out of line making an issue of this

Sorry @OtterlyMad I have only read all of your posts on this thread, but I have a suggestion that always works if the main participants hearts are really in it.

You, and all the other adults that your DM plays host to at Christmas, only need to give your DM an ultimatum, either she lets each indivual one of you bring a vegetable or carbohydrate dish for the main course - your DM could still cook the Turkey (or whatever the main component of the meal is) if she wants to. Then for the puddings, you could prepare/cook between you:

The Trifle,

The trafitional Christmas pudding - buy good quality from a reputable shop, then re-heat it on the day,

Maybe a few good quality Cheeses with some nice assorted crackers, and little bunches of red and green seedless grapes, and a few sticks of celery, as a 3rd choice.

Oh, ok, some warm mince pies as well if anyone could fit one in!

I know you have said that she won't delegate any of the jobs, but she almost definitely will if you all tell her that none of you will go to hers for Christmas again until she lets you all help with the food and any house preparations that need doing. To convince her you are all serious about this, it is extremely necessary for you all to be very serious about it. If any of you do honestly care about your DM, you will do this.

Hi, I'm in the position of your in laws . I would invite them. It's deeply painful to be I'm a small family in such close proximity of a large one.
The more the merrier should be your mantra on Christmas. You have a large, busy family. This is a joy and privilege, it will cost you nothing to share it. The love ypu feel for your mum, about not stressing her out is the same your dh feels about not leaving his mum out. Please reconsider.

Sorry op, I’m in the ‘you’re being quite mean’ camp. My grandmother had over 60 in her 2 bed flat on Christmas until she died (she had 11 kids) and would always invite In laws. Just feels like you’re being very mean spirited and I would be quite sad and disappointed in you in if I was your husband - sorry. And no - before you accuse me of being an only child - I am one of 3 and husband is one of 5.

Do you mean the mum won’t accept help? If that’s the case there’s nothing to be done, but op hasn’t said that.

This is one of those things that is fine as long as everyone is OK with it and otherwise not. It doesn't sound like your in laws are a very good fit with your family, who also deserve to have their own family Christmas without needing to stand on ceremony for people they barely know. I'd also be worried about setting a precedent where your in laws expect to spend every Christmas with you from now on. Your MIL and SIL need to be able to spend Christmas just the two of them without being too sad because otherwise you'll be in the same situation every year. Spending Christmas with them every other year is fine.

Bear in mind that if and when you have children you might want to change things up a bit as well.

But OP isn't spending Christmas Day in her own home. She has said that once she and her DH can afford to move to a larger house, she would be happy to host both sides of the family for Christmas dinner.

It's different for OP to have to ask her mum to include her in-laws when they hardly know each other and are very different kinds of people, OP's side being big drinkers and quite rowdy and her DH's family being quiet and sedate. I would feel under much more pressure and scrutiny if I had to cater for either of my sons' in-laws on Christmas Day.

OP's mum's house and oven aren't big enough to include extra people so her mum would feel stressed if asked, but would probably feel unable to say no. It's not really fair of OP's DH to put her mum in this position.

I think a lot of people are protecting on this thread. Of course it's fine to have Christmas without your ILs and they are absolutely fine spending it together just the two of them. Your DH is being weird. He needs to drop the apron strings. His mum is a grown up and she'll be with her daughter. If she wants to invite anyone else to her Christmas she can do. It's not your responsibility to worry about a pair of adults!

OP said that at 21.48 yesterday. Her mum obviously gets a lot of enjoyment out of hosting all her family even if it does run her ragged. Forcing her to accept help as others have suggested may well make Xmas miserable for her if she feels that she is no longer looking after her family in the way she wants to.

Ok, I have a suggestion, and I know the cost may be prohibitive but if it's not, get an air BnB with space and host yourself. It will give your mum a break and DH can invite whoever he wants! I think the only person who can do invitations is the one who is doing the work (and paying) hosting Christmas is expensive and tiring, I do it every year and would love a break.

Ask them, if they say yes:
Without discussing with your mother, ask everyone attending to make 1 dish each.
Get some foldable table and chairs.

problem solved
or split the day like you used to

As I’ve said (quite a few times now) if it were my house then I would invite everyone from both sides and people could like it or lump it. But I am NOT THE HOST so I can’t just invite whoever I like.

60 in a 2-bedroom sounds like hell, not to mention a fire hazard. If you enjoyed that then good for you - I don’t mind taking my turn sitting on the floor or sandwiched between two cousins at the table - but I personally don’t want to feel like I’m in a mosh pit on Christmas Day.

Ask them, the older generation, what they think and take it from there? Are they nice people? If they are generous hearted, then what's the problem? If they are mean spirited then don't bother. Also, why can't they fly? Is there an airport near them? I would fly from Southampton to Leeds with no problem and I am not sure it is that much more expensive. Takes just under and hour.

Do your parents and PIL actually know each other? My family dynamic is similar with DH’s side being literally his DM and single sister who has no DC.

Mine have never met each other despite DH and I being together for nearly 20 years. If I suggested they spend time together at Christmas they’d think it was seriously weird and that is with them all living locally.

I haven't RTWT but it seems highly unreasonable for your husband to just demand your mum pulls up 2 extra spaces like that - and what if other members of the 10 other people also realise their ILs will also be spending a quieter Xmas so they have to come too and now suddenly cooking for 12 turns to cooking for 20?? They aren't alone they are quieter together and their social lives and lack of other friends/family is not dhs burden.

If alternative years doesn't work for dh why not see one lot on Xmas day and the other lot on boxing day/ new year's day or whatever. Don't be obsessive about the 25th. Plenty of people these days (especially those with shared custody of children) have their Xmas on a day other than the 25th.

I think your mum is the host - I think it up to her to decide if she wants to host two people.

I agree you can’t invite someone to someone else’s Christmas, they’ll just have to wait until you host.

OP you sound horrible. If I were your husband I'd consider my relationship with someone so mean

It's not up to you whether they get invited or not OP. It's up to the host. You need to tell DH to ask your mother.

But that means those attending who weren't blood related but were there because they were married to someone in your family were missing out on their own family Christmas.

I think looking at this going forward you should keep it separate. There is a 6 hour travel component in all of this which of course means you must stay over.

How we did this as children. Christmas eve, one set of grandparents, Christmas day just us as a family, Boxing Day the other grandparents. I think there needs to be a different way for you to celebrate Christmas too.

How we do it now, Christmas day is divided between our two families and exactly like yours, 2 on one side, quiet, and then the other loud, lots of us, games etc but our families live 15 minutes apart. We used to get them together for birthday parties for the children but they are honestly like chalk and cheese.

Do not pressure your Mum to invite your in-laws. What your Dh fails to see is that surely this could then mean one of your siblings wives/husbands is pissed because they don't see their family Christmas day if spending it with your family and then can they invite their parents? It never stops.