It’s a Christmas one sorry! AIBU not inviting my in-laws to spend it with my family?

[OtterlyMad]

Apologies I know Christmas is still bloody ages away but our parents start asking for our Christmas plans as soon as we make it past Easter (!) so we’re under pressure to let them know. I’ll try to keep it brief.

DH has a very small family: his mum and sister (both single and live alone on the opposite side of the country to us) plus a handful of extended family they only see at weddings and funerals.

By comparison, my family is big. It’s normal to be 12+ people for Christmas dinner. My siblings and I have small houses so my mum hosts every year (she has a 4-bed semi so not a mansion by any means) and she never complains but I feel guilty and wish we could host to take the pressure off her. Sadly it’s just not feasible until we upsize which won’t happen for another couple of years yet.

For the first few years of our relationship, DH and I always celebrated Christmas apart, with our respective families. Since we got married we’ve alternated which side we spend it with. This year it’s my family’s turn. But DH always feels bad whenever we don’t see his mum and sister since it’s just the two of them. This year, he suggested that we invite them to spend Christmas with my lot (obviously we would have to ask my mum first but I know she would agree because that’s the sort of person she is). However, I think it’s unfair to place any extra burden on my mum. DH says “it’s only two more people” but that’s on top of a dozen already. Plus my family are used to it being a tight squeeze - some of us end up sitting on the floor, and it’s all elbows at the dinner table - but we muddle through and have a laugh. Frankly I can’t imagine my quiet, reserved in-laws enjoying the ruckus and I wouldn’t be able to relax because I’d be worried the whole time that they were judging my very forward, loud and (probably) drunk family members!

I told DH no and we argued about it. He has accused me of disliking his family (not true), of being selfish (because his mum and sister have to spend the day “on their own” though I’ve pointed out they’re not on their own if they’re together!!) and “gatekeeping my family” (whatever that means). Am I being unreasonable by refusing to invite them?? I just want to continue with the current arrangement where we alternate each year.

P.S. In case anyone is wondering why we can’t split it (e.g. Christmas Day with one side and Boxing Day with the other) DH’s mum and sister live a 6hr+ drive away so it has to be all or nothing really.

Thank you for taking the time to post this completely pointless and unhelpful comment. Enjoy the rest of your day!

From bitter experience of trying to bring totally different sets of parents together at Christmas DONT DO IT.

cant hear you have kids, but you do need to think ahead and plan for Christmas at home on your own, and it starts by one of you not spending Christmas with your own parents and alternating this and then staying at home.

best Christmas we ever had was the first one we spent in our own home with no visitors at all for the whole holiday period.

Dont underestimate how hard it is to integrate two quiet reserved people into a chaos family situation

Honestly you sound quite heartless. This is your husbands mother and sister. And if you have kids, their grandmother and aunt. You do you OP, but you reap what you sow. One day it might be you who is all alone at Christmas, let's hope karma doesn't bite you in the arse.

OP says her DM would be “relaxed” about such an invitation - but would she? Or would she simply not feel able to refuse? And what about everyone else? How would they feel about having someone else’s in-laws? It would definitely change the dynamic, and the fact that the house isn’t big enough would also add to the stress. I can seat twelve round my dining table; on occasion we have been more than that and I have had to set up a second table in the kitchen. One year, my DSS brought his SIL because she had missed her train back - it was awkward and inconvenient, because a seated meal had to turn into a buffet; nobody knew her and she was clearly overwhelmed by all these people she didn’t know. It’s not as easy as simply issuing an invitation and hoping it will all work out, and to issue an invitation when you’re not the ones hosting, and imposing on the good nature of a mother who in all probability would not feel able to refuse even if she wanted to, is nothing short of rude.

I’ve finally found that post after repeatedly pressing Load Older Posts . Don’t know how old op’s mum is but I’d be declining linvitations to large events from an older person who hosted like that, never mind adding extra guests. Surely there’s another solution…

You keep saying you’re not inviting them for your mum, but in your OP you said your mum would invite them no question and it’s you that doesn’t want them there? I feel like you are just hiding behind your mum as an excuse

You keep saying you’re not inviting them for your mum, but in your OP you said your mum would invite them no question and it’s you that doesn’t want them there? I feel like you are just hiding behind your mum as an excuse

OP, I can see where you're coming from. You've had some very harsh, personalised comments but that's standard around here. Don't take them to heart!

To me, there is an obvious solution but, reading your latest update, it looks like it's not something you'd go for. I'm talking about each going separately to your respective families. I've been with my husband for nearly 25 years and the only Christmas Day we've spent together was a few years ago when the in-laws succumbed to Covid. We don't have children, so that makes it simpler. We have each cherished our Christmas Days with our own families over the years. Is this an option at all? How would your husband respond to the proposal, I wonder? I completely understand that you might not enjoy being apart on Christmas Day. My husband and I are fine with it 😝!

Your mum running herself ragged is a separate issue, and you've had good advice on that. My mam is similarly stubborn (and proud) but we have had to stand our ground. She now does only three components of the dinner - her special specialties - and we bring the rest!

Good luck, OP. You do not seem nasty and mean to me. Try talking to your husband again. We often have strong feelings, memories and emotional connections around Christmas. I hope you can resolve the conflict.

You keep saying you’re not inviting them for your mum, but in your OP you said your mum would invite them no question and it’s you that doesn’t want them there? I feel like you are just hiding behind your mum as an excuse

Omg I was going to write a similar post OP!!

Only I’ve been doing what your DH suggested for about 5 years and I want to stop this year 😭

My ILs would also be on their own if we didn’t invite them so my DH suggested we just invite everyone to ours. Only my mum really hates it because they are just very different people (I do too really because I it always feels a bit awkward) and we’d both much rather alternate.

No tips but you’re totally right to keep the plans as they are. Once you start it’s much harder to stop…

Sorry no idea how u managed to post this 3 times!!!

I bet all the people saying not to invite MIL and SIL are the same who spout that a wedding is two families joining when their kids don't get invited to a wedding 🤣

Why would you not? Because it's not Christmas dinner at OP's and her DH's house, it's Christmas at OP's mum's house. It isn't OP's invitation to extend and she doesn't want to put more pressure and stress on her mum. For the people who are berating OP for not helping her mum with the dinner, she has explained that her mum insists on doing it all herself.

Why her mum hasn't insisted on is inviting her daughter's in-laws. Why would she? It would be different if OP's MIL was completely on her own but she has her own daughter with her. I would happily spend Christmas Day with just my daughter. It would be stress free and peaceful.

I'm not sure why some people think you are so unreasonable op. Every other year is perfectly normal for couples I know if families aren't local, and your mil isn't in her own.

If she was (eg once your sil has a partner), I do think you should either ask your mum, or invite her to yours, or spend Christmas separate from DH to solve the issue. (Or what we do since we all had kids, coordinate alternating years with our siblings so one of us is always with parents and accept we see our siblings a different day over December / Jan) But, at the moment she's not on her own.

And if it's already so cramped people are sitting on the floor and elbowing each others meals, of course 2 more people make it more cramped and of course that feels more awkward with people you don't know well than family and changes the mood / pressure on the host, especially if they are people who are used to much quieter family events. I don't know why people are pretending it wouldn't. And if I was your siblings I'd be annoyed my mil was the only il who got an invitation (unless she was actually on her own otherwise, which she isn't) so potentially you'd have to add a lot more than 2 people to the potential invite list!

And i don't see what wrong with finding it unfair that DH would be with his family every year and you wouldn't?

I Would ensure you arrange a different day to do Christmas with his mum and sister though, so he gets time with them too and they get a bigger celebration at some point.

Goodness I hope so! A quiet Christmas just me the DH “alone” would be the dream.

Feel sorry for any potential kids you might have!

Because she is not the host. You can't go around inviting extra people to someone else's already packed house at Christmas.

I'd try to explain to your DH that you don't feel it's your right to invite them to your mother's home as it is creating extra work for her in a situation that is already so tightly squeezed that people sit on the floor.

Alternate years is the fair thing to do and you do it. But maybe invite them for a few days before or after Christmas to celebrate NY with you. Plan some festivities - a carol concert, a lights show, a Christmas quiz, watching an old favourite film, maybe inviting a few friends or neighbours for a small drinks party that won't get raucous.

If they are alone on the day, have a long Zoom call and send them Christmas stockings of a few small presents to open on the Zoom call so it feels like you are together for some of the day, and call them to say good night at the end of the day.

How about going to them over New Year?

No, it’s not fair.

I would send him packing to his mum every Christmas if that’s what he wants. You can spend them with your family, like you did before you married.

OP has already said that they want children but not until they have moved to a bigger house when she will happily invite both sides of the family on Christmas Day.

Totally agree . Not everyone wants a loud chaotic Christmas rammed into a small house elbow room only, particularly if you don’t know everyone

I said my mum would agree to host them, but that’s not the same as extending the invite herself, is it? She’s aware of the situation and could say to me “bring Susan and Sarah for Christmas Day, the more the merrier!” But she hasn’t, which indicates that she would rather not.

i am very surprised at the strength of the responses here, I certainly don’t think it would be mean to stick to current arrangements. Everyone seems to be merrily overlooking the fact that this isn’t your home, or your ‘event’, to invite extras to! MIL and SIL won’t be alone, they will be just fine, but inviting two extras to your mums will be putting extra pressure on her (and I expect she’d feel she couldn’t say no!) to have even more people in a very overcrowded space. It also sets a precedent, which isn’t ideal if you and your siblings are at ‘having children’ age as that’ll add to the numbers as well.

Far too much emphasis is placed on Christmas. It's just one day!
This is why before kids my husband and I used to go abroad. Great time to go as nice to get some winter sun.
I don't see the issue and I am on the OP side. MIL is not alone so no one is being left out. It is a fair system they are doing of alternating going to each others family each year. I don't see the need in having to host MIL and sister as that isn't just going to be the day, surely as you state its a long journey someone will then have to host them, and presumably for a few days.

Omg, just be honest you don't want them there. Unless your mother is a social moron I'm sure she will be fine, you've even said as much 🙄