It’s a Christmas one sorry! AIBU not inviting my in-laws to spend it with my family?

[OtterlyMad]

Apologies I know Christmas is still bloody ages away but our parents start asking for our Christmas plans as soon as we make it past Easter (!) so we’re under pressure to let them know. I’ll try to keep it brief.

DH has a very small family: his mum and sister (both single and live alone on the opposite side of the country to us) plus a handful of extended family they only see at weddings and funerals.

By comparison, my family is big. It’s normal to be 12+ people for Christmas dinner. My siblings and I have small houses so my mum hosts every year (she has a 4-bed semi so not a mansion by any means) and she never complains but I feel guilty and wish we could host to take the pressure off her. Sadly it’s just not feasible until we upsize which won’t happen for another couple of years yet.

For the first few years of our relationship, DH and I always celebrated Christmas apart, with our respective families. Since we got married we’ve alternated which side we spend it with. This year it’s my family’s turn. But DH always feels bad whenever we don’t see his mum and sister since it’s just the two of them. This year, he suggested that we invite them to spend Christmas with my lot (obviously we would have to ask my mum first but I know she would agree because that’s the sort of person she is). However, I think it’s unfair to place any extra burden on my mum. DH says “it’s only two more people” but that’s on top of a dozen already. Plus my family are used to it being a tight squeeze - some of us end up sitting on the floor, and it’s all elbows at the dinner table - but we muddle through and have a laugh. Frankly I can’t imagine my quiet, reserved in-laws enjoying the ruckus and I wouldn’t be able to relax because I’d be worried the whole time that they were judging my very forward, loud and (probably) drunk family members!

I told DH no and we argued about it. He has accused me of disliking his family (not true), of being selfish (because his mum and sister have to spend the day “on their own” though I’ve pointed out they’re not on their own if they’re together!!) and “gatekeeping my family” (whatever that means). Am I being unreasonable by refusing to invite them?? I just want to continue with the current arrangement where we alternate each year.

P.S. In case anyone is wondering why we can’t split it (e.g. Christmas Day with one side and Boxing Day with the other) DH’s mum and sister live a 6hr+ drive away so it has to be all or nothing really.

OP has already said she will be sending out one whatsapp invitation, saying you're welcome if you can make it and the time lunch will be - and the rest is up to them. Sounds like a sensible woman.

Sounds like a great plan 😀

Yes it is indeed very mean of her husband to try to change an agreed to arrangement for no reason.

I’m with you op. I actually really don’t understand the initial problem of your MIL and SIL just spending xmas together the 2 of them. Many people don’t have extended family close by and many couples would just spend xmas together without others.

And your DH is being rude as it is not his or your invitation to extend.

She doesn't want to, so it's not a compromise. Theyy won't be going to the OPs, her husband wants her to make the OP's mother host them. The compromise is the agreement they have.

She also stated that they live too far away to do Christmas Day/Boxing Day.

Perhaps he can go to visit them and she can continue with the agreed arrangement - that would be a further compromise by the OP.

@PumpkinPieAlibi

"And it's not a unilateral decision - if it were there would be no discussion and instead he would change their agreement regardless of OP's opinion

it is unilateral, there was a discussion, BUT

HE "accused me of disliking his family (not true), of being selfish"

And he still wants to change the status quo!

So much projection in this abusive comment 😅

Yep the OP can certainly decide unliterally that she will just go with the agreed to arrangement and not rudely try to foist people on her mother just because her husband doesn't want to let her have her turn this year.

I guess he can just go to his mother and sister if he's so worried, and she can stick to the arrangement that he agreed to.

Best she puts her boundaries in place or he'll think he can just get his own way once they have kids as well.

My parents dont get along with my in-laws. Never have mixed . So everyone would hate to spend Christmas together.
Sometimes its just not as simple as all celebrate together.
Can you have your dh mum and sister to stay? But not go to your mums with you .
So spend half the day at home and half with your mum? Or something similar.

Have you resd that’s husband wants his side to celebrate with every year though while OP doesn’t get to do it? Don’t think that’s fair.

Wow, this comment is really screaming projection. The poster sounds miserable.

Amazed at the posters on this thread saying OP should ‘just invite them’ - it’s not in her power to do so, she’s not the hostess! I know my mum in this situation would hate the added burden (and yes, the addition of 2 people who are not family members would be a burden) and I wouldn’t want to ask her because I know she’d say yes under duress. Inviting the in-laws will have to wait until OP and her DH are hosting at their own house.

If the OP’s MIL or SIL were on their own it would be different, but they’re not, they have each other. Nothing wrong with spending Christmas as a pair every other year. I doubt they’d want to come anyway, I know I wouldn’t want to in these circumstances.

I would invite them and let them make the call. As for your mother, you simply tell her she isn't doing everything. If you absolutely refuses, then she is being a martyr and that's on her. My MIL has this tendency but we have gotten her out of it just by being firm.

Who the heck has sad that two women spending Christmas together is sad and lonely?! Neither of them have. OP’s husband is the one wanting to impose his mom and sister on his in-laws. There is absolutely no indication that either of the women are even aware that he’s pushing his wife to have them invited!

Who said they haven't? Honestly Christmas is such a vulnerable time for many people, especially if they don't choose to be alone. Surely this is one time of the year people can be nice 😕

I’d think that if the MIL or SIL have complained, OP would’ve mentioned it.

And exactly what is nice about demanding your wife ask her mother to host your family? And insulting your wife, calling her names when she says no?

This is his MIL’s home. She’s hosting. It’s incredibly rude, imo, to expect to impose additional guests on her. It’s not the slightest bit nice to demand that you see your family every Christmas when you’ve already agreed to alternate. It’s not nice at all to demand that your wife see your family every Christmas and never have one with just her family again.

I doubt they'd complain. People can still feel sad about being alone at Christmas, it doesn't mean they're going to make a big deal about it. That's why I'm saying, sometimes it's nice to jist be nice, it's a hard time of the year for many. I'd always invite anyone if I knew they'd be alone for Christmas, to me that's what Christmas is about

Why does your mum run herself ragged? A few of you need to support her properly with the whole business including tidying the house first, decorating, shopping, veg prep, getting out the plates and glasses, constantly washing up during the meal prep and doing all of the clearing and washing afterwards. Let your mum be in charge of the actual cooking if she wants but the rest of you should do the donkey work.
If your mum is willing I’d invite the in laws since it means a lot to DH. Very like they will refuse and/or leave early.

This is what I don't get. Just because she has the big house, why can't you and the siblings do the rest? She doesn't even have to cook if you all do a few dishes each.

I feel like OP’s husband is imposing how he feels on everyone, rather than what may actually be happening.

HE wants to see his mom and sister every year. No clue if mom and sister want to drive three hours in the winter each way, or if they’d want to be in with a crowd of strangers or if they don’t actually enjoy having a quiet holiday with just the two of them. There’s literally nothing to indicate how the mom and sister feel about things at all.

And, why is it okay to impact other people’s holidays to accommodate what he wants? OP doesn’t want to invite them to her mother’s. Why isn’t that enough? Why does what her husband want matter more than what OP wants, when it’s her mother hosting and her year to spend with her side of the family, having spent last year with his?

I genuinely don’t understand why his feelings outrank hers.

This is exactly what restaurants are for.
Go out to eat!

It sounds as if your DH wants to spend Christmas with his mum and sister. Why not just separate for the day and each see your own families?

Sometimes it's nice, just to be nice? I'm not even factoring in DH or anything. I'm not Christian at all, quite the opposite, but I do believe in being a good human. I think if we can't be nice at Christmas of all times, really what hope is there 🤷🏻‍♀️ Two more people over for a meal, really isn't a big deal.

Agree with this. You can’t invite people to a thing that you aren’t hosting that then makes work/additional expense for another person that’s terrible manners.

The ops mum must get something out of doing the hosting otherwise she wouldn’t do it.

I assume because she gets something out of it, it’s a choice to do it, no one is forcing her.