It’s a Christmas one sorry! AIBU not inviting my in-laws to spend it with my family?

[OtterlyMad]

Apologies I know Christmas is still bloody ages away but our parents start asking for our Christmas plans as soon as we make it past Easter (!) so we’re under pressure to let them know. I’ll try to keep it brief.

DH has a very small family: his mum and sister (both single and live alone on the opposite side of the country to us) plus a handful of extended family they only see at weddings and funerals.

By comparison, my family is big. It’s normal to be 12+ people for Christmas dinner. My siblings and I have small houses so my mum hosts every year (she has a 4-bed semi so not a mansion by any means) and she never complains but I feel guilty and wish we could host to take the pressure off her. Sadly it’s just not feasible until we upsize which won’t happen for another couple of years yet.

For the first few years of our relationship, DH and I always celebrated Christmas apart, with our respective families. Since we got married we’ve alternated which side we spend it with. This year it’s my family’s turn. But DH always feels bad whenever we don’t see his mum and sister since it’s just the two of them. This year, he suggested that we invite them to spend Christmas with my lot (obviously we would have to ask my mum first but I know she would agree because that’s the sort of person she is). However, I think it’s unfair to place any extra burden on my mum. DH says “it’s only two more people” but that’s on top of a dozen already. Plus my family are used to it being a tight squeeze - some of us end up sitting on the floor, and it’s all elbows at the dinner table - but we muddle through and have a laugh. Frankly I can’t imagine my quiet, reserved in-laws enjoying the ruckus and I wouldn’t be able to relax because I’d be worried the whole time that they were judging my very forward, loud and (probably) drunk family members!

I told DH no and we argued about it. He has accused me of disliking his family (not true), of being selfish (because his mum and sister have to spend the day “on their own” though I’ve pointed out they’re not on their own if they’re together!!) and “gatekeeping my family” (whatever that means). Am I being unreasonable by refusing to invite them?? I just want to continue with the current arrangement where we alternate each year.

P.S. In case anyone is wondering why we can’t split it (e.g. Christmas Day with one side and Boxing Day with the other) DH’s mum and sister live a 6hr+ drive away so it has to be all or nothing really.

I'm genuinely shocked at how many people think this man's proposal is fine. He's not hosting. It's not his decision. He's not even suggesting ways to make this huge imposition easier on the host.

OP makes it very clear that when she lives in a house where she is able to host then things will most likely change. But until then, DH is going to have to live with the current situation.

The solution would be that DH spends the rest of the year making sure his mum and sister are not lonely and feel loved and embraced by him People don't only feel lonely at christmas.

by the same token though @Isitreallysohard why should people have to be coerced into any situation?

I get that you wouldn't mind an "extra two" but that is not what is at play here, is it?

Tell dh that you will certainly ask your mum to include them and she probably will.

And the next year will your in laws be ready to host for 12 extra people? Because that is how it is working right?

That's fair, I'm the more the merrier type. The language is so strong though, coerced etc is quite extreme, it's just Christmas 🎄 😳

@Isitreallysohard

ok, maybe, coerced was a wee bit strong but sometimes "perceived social expectation" detracts from the joy of the celebration?

Have a merry full house this Christmas lovely 😉(but I bet you're off to the Maldives or some other exotic) 😄

You're right in some ways, because I had to invite awkward and slightly estranged FIL to DCs birthday party this year. By had to, I mean I felt I should. But I just left him to it, and he seemed to have a nice time and I told DH it was his job to keep FIL entertained so I feel it doesn't need to be a big deal unless you let it. I just drank lots of wine and enjoyed myself. I wish re Maldives! Hope you have a lovely Christmas too 😊

Don’t be so mean

Just like in the 'cheating friend's thread, MN's double standards are once more obvious.

If this were a woman asking to host her mum and sister and DH had the big family shindig, there would be no talk of coersion or bulldozering boundaries but about the spirit of Christmas and inclusion. The DH would also be called useless and lazy for implying adding 2 more persons would lead to more work for his mum (as he should)😅

The thing is, OP and her DH seem to live much closer to her family so inevitably see them more. It isn't just Christmas where his family loses out.

My compromise would be:

• OP's family only
• DH's family only
• Combined families

By then, OP should have her own place to host.

Hahahahaha!

Nah.

Again, I am pleased to see that majority agree with you OP.

Good for you for not letting your cheeky, pushy husband make your mum's life harder by rudely inviting people who don't need an invite and will be fine on their own.

Good for you for insisting that he agrees to the agreement he made and doesn't bulldozer your boundaries to suit himself.

They'll be fine.

I'd extend the invite, why would you not? I couldn't have a ball knowing my partners family were alone.

I think you're getting a really unfair amount of shit here OP

your DH basically wants his cake and to eat it. You have a rotation in place that's fair and equal. One year you one year him. He wants to bring his lot to your year and get every year? Nope, that's not fair at all! Not on your mum and not on you.

he agreed to the annual swap and if his mum and sister didn't like it being quiet they could go to a hotel for lunch on the day, or on holiday for the break.....if they stay home they must enjoy doing it that way!

See this is such a strange way of looking at it, surely that's the better compromise anyway, rather than one year on one year off. Seems like the best of both worlds. Also sorry as I've been lazy and NRTFT but why it's it always at OPs mums, what about the other siblings? Also what happens if they have more people attend as families usually grow with partners and kids, and kids grow up too. So Christmas naturally will evolve.

Or she could be an adult an have an actual conversation about it with the people involved. In her mum's place, I would love to have the in laws, because I love buzzing around, and might not think to / be brave enough to ask them without prompting from son in law.

Re: the family growing, that can't work at all. The numbers going from 12 to 14 would absolutely throw everything off kilter and bring her mum to her knees, don't you know? 😅 even future grandkids won't be allowed as the numbers simply cannot cross 12.

But seriously though, the crux of the matter is OP does NOT want her MIL and SIL there. It's that simple and it would be easier for her and her DH if she just admitted that outright. Because if she did actually want them there, there's lots of workarounds to be considered.

I wouldn't invite them for a couple of reasons...
+your mum will have to host them and presumably they will stay with her (or you) for at least 1-2 nights, which again is difficult at that time of year when you're already doing enough
+it sets precedence that you'll invite them every alternate year, which might get too much if thit doesn't go well or numbers get bigger from your side of the family and really can't stretch to include 2 more (more kids are born, or the 20+ yr old kids bring partners etc).
+But mostly, if they wanted a "bigger" christmas, I'm sure they have friends on their own, neighbourhood family they know well that would like to be invited. Couples that don't have kids or children have left home etc could be invited to share the meal. Put it back on them, tell DH to encourage them to invite "aunty susan", neighbour on their own, widowed friend from bingo if they want a bigger celebration. Which leads to more sustainable network around them, rather than two of them having christmas together (which is not alone, but also not terribly festive).

@PumpkinPieAlibi

"the crux of the matter is OP does NOT want her MIL and SIL there"

the crux of the matter is that they have been doing turn about each year, husband has decided unilaterally that this is no longer acceptable

I suppose that's it then. When a decision is made, a married couple cannot discuss nor change their minds ever again. 🤷‍♀️

And it's not a unilateral decision - if it were there would be no discussion and instead he would change their agreement regardless of OP's opinion and simply go to his mother's for Christmas or invite them without his wife's consent. (Both of which options would be very unreasonable)

I would invite them and hope that your family is too much for them and then the next round they won’t come.
and next year take your turn again because technically they also had theirs this year.

Every other year
It changes the dynamics to include. They are not alone. Many spend Xmas as a 2. It isn't for you to sort their Xmas
And I would love a Christmas with 2 people. I am part of small family and the thought of a huge event like this would be horrid.
If your mum says yes, it could open a can of worms with other family.

The idea of a quiet Christmas sounds great.

Hope they're not planning on kids. Life will get infinitely more complicated and then you'll probably want MIL and SIL to come to you and not have to drive for 6+ hours with baby in tow

Op you absolutely should not have to ask your mum to host two extra people and feel in guest mode at your families Xmas. massive difference between hosting fsmily and hosting your dds in-laws.
Your dh mum and sister spend it together I presume so not alone. Alternate Christmas is a really good compromise.
I would say to your dh that he can see them if he chooses and you see your family and you will go with him next year but you are not changing your plans.
You need to establish some boundaries before you have kids. is there a way to see them another day around the Xmas period.

Exactly, it's just Christmas, no need to make any fuss, they can just go with the arrangement they both agreed to.

Yes, this could become a real problem if he is so stubborn and coercive when they have kids. You're right, boundaries really matter or he'll just think he can get his own way all the time, no matter what he agreed to.