It’s a Christmas one sorry! AIBU not inviting my in-laws to spend it with my family?

[OtterlyMad]

Apologies I know Christmas is still bloody ages away but our parents start asking for our Christmas plans as soon as we make it past Easter (!) so we’re under pressure to let them know. I’ll try to keep it brief.

DH has a very small family: his mum and sister (both single and live alone on the opposite side of the country to us) plus a handful of extended family they only see at weddings and funerals.

By comparison, my family is big. It’s normal to be 12+ people for Christmas dinner. My siblings and I have small houses so my mum hosts every year (she has a 4-bed semi so not a mansion by any means) and she never complains but I feel guilty and wish we could host to take the pressure off her. Sadly it’s just not feasible until we upsize which won’t happen for another couple of years yet.

For the first few years of our relationship, DH and I always celebrated Christmas apart, with our respective families. Since we got married we’ve alternated which side we spend it with. This year it’s my family’s turn. But DH always feels bad whenever we don’t see his mum and sister since it’s just the two of them. This year, he suggested that we invite them to spend Christmas with my lot (obviously we would have to ask my mum first but I know she would agree because that’s the sort of person she is). However, I think it’s unfair to place any extra burden on my mum. DH says “it’s only two more people” but that’s on top of a dozen already. Plus my family are used to it being a tight squeeze - some of us end up sitting on the floor, and it’s all elbows at the dinner table - but we muddle through and have a laugh. Frankly I can’t imagine my quiet, reserved in-laws enjoying the ruckus and I wouldn’t be able to relax because I’d be worried the whole time that they were judging my very forward, loud and (probably) drunk family members!

I told DH no and we argued about it. He has accused me of disliking his family (not true), of being selfish (because his mum and sister have to spend the day “on their own” though I’ve pointed out they’re not on their own if they’re together!!) and “gatekeeping my family” (whatever that means). Am I being unreasonable by refusing to invite them?? I just want to continue with the current arrangement where we alternate each year.

P.S. In case anyone is wondering why we can’t split it (e.g. Christmas Day with one side and Boxing Day with the other) DH’s mum and sister live a 6hr+ drive away so it has to be all or nothing really.

The majority of people who voted agree with OP.

Also, does 'wind your neck in' mean force OP's mum to invite two extra people that she hardly knows to Christmas dinner when OP knows that she won't want to but won't feel able to say no and upset her son-in-law. Why is all the sympathy and concern directed at OP's DH's family and not on OP's mum?

I woulnt inflict my ILs on my siblings even if my DM agreed - note your DM hasnt spontaneously invited them already? I suspect she has reservations. Dont inflict this on your DM - will it go on for ever?

Is the deal then that the ILs would invite all of yours up to theirs for Xmas the next year - thought not!!

Also what have this small family done all their lives in xmas past until you came along? THEY have had every opportunity to invite anyone they like rather than be a 2 or 3 - seems they like it that way or are not socially open or generous - you reap what you sow.

Your DH is an arse.

How can the woman who gave birth to DH be a stranger?! He clearly doesn’t see them as strangers if he wants to spend this (and every other) Christmas with them? It feels like huge stretches are being made to accommodate putting a huge distance between DH and his family. There’s clearly no seeing eye to eye on it if it’s been decided that they don’t belong with the extended family and they aren’t really family anyways.

The reality is that they live 6 hours away and are introverts so highly unlikley they have spent much time with OPs family.

I agree with what you're saying but quite a lot of people did disagree with the OP and were very critical of her.
It does make me wonder why anyone would put themselves through that if they already knew they were not going to change their mind.

Ok, so I’ll add ‘obtuse’ and ‘hypocrite’ to the insults for saying to allow a man to be with his mother and sister at Christmas (at his request).

She said she knew her mum would say yes, and others on the thread have suggested OP and DH could support her hosting with cooking and food. It’s easily sorted - unless you don’t want it to be. Calling me a hypocrite by some reverse logic that it’s unkind to invite your son in law’s mother and sister over at Christmas is just… an opinion I’ll respect!

This. It’s mean and if you loved your husband you would do it for him.

My DP has a small family, his mum and brother, I have a big one, the first time we invited them I felt so nervous but it was lovely, and they had a great time. Fast forward 4 years and it’s now the done thing when it’s not ‘their year’.

Does that mean my husband doesn’t love me, because he won’t do what I want?

The sexism in this tread is so blatant I’m disgusted.

Great for you but this thread isn’t about you.

I'm really surprised how many posters think the OP is BU.

Firstly (and pretty importantly) - it isn't her place to invite extra people to someone else's house. I really shocked how many people seem to think that is 'a thing'.
Then there is also the point of family being family and all being relaxed with each other and having their own traditions / banter / way of doing things. Bring other people in and the whole dynamic changes.
Then the fact there aren't enough places / spaces at the table.
Lastly, neither MiL nor SiL have to be alone. Most obviously they can be with each other, but what about the other people in their own lives? It isn't the OP's responsibility to organise the social lives of 2 people who live 6 hours away.
Going there in alternate years seems more than reasonable to me, especially as it sounds like it is much quieter and a very different Christmas from what she is used to and what she enjoys. That is what couples tend to do to compromise.

100% @OtterlyMad you bad little wife... don't you know if your husband wants something your response is 'as you wish'?!...

If I were your DH I'd invite my mum and sister to my own home and do dinner for them there, while you 'let you hair down', then join you all once the catering burden on your mum was out of the way. I'd bring drinks so all that would be required of your family would be to squeeze in two extra.

What?!! Where on earth did you get that my comment is sexist?! This isn’t sexist at all - it wouldn’t matter if it were a husband or a wife in this situation. The point is, if the roles were reversed, I would expect your husband to do the same for you. That’s what you do for the people you love.

Unless there’s an issue with his family, there’s no reason they should be sitting alone on Christmas Day when they could be with you all. I can’t imagine how it would make him feel, knowing his loved ones are alone … and that would be just as true whether it’s a man or a woman in his place.

They're not alone. They will be together!

How do you know OP's mother would mind? Frankly, if you’re cooking Christmas dinner for 12 already, I don’t believe an extra two makes much difference, especially if OP and her DH make sure to offer extra help. It's meant to be the season of goodwill.

My MIL lived near us, all a long way from my birth family. My brother and SIL very kindly used to invite her to stay with them every Christmas so she could join in the celebrations of my large family, as otherwise either I, DH and our DC wouldn't have been able to visit my family over Christmas or she would have been left on her own.

Ffs why don’t people just read the post and comments properly before adding their own. “It’s easily sorted” - no it bloody isn’t! My mum isn’t even happy when we bring our own booze and chocs, if I tried to take over the turkey she would spontaneously combust. We all agree it’s ridiculous but it’s her home so ultimately we have to respect that. It’s bad enough that some people (including my DH) think we can just invite near strangers to her home, I’m not going to start ordering her about in it too!!

But he's not is he?
Surely if the husband loved the op he wouldn't be placing her under this duress?

I am the mum who hosts and I’m sorry it doesn’t matter how much people help I’m still doing the hosting. I would be most put out if someone was invited to my house without my enthusiastic agreement. If I’m hosting then I decide who comes . End of.

I see where you’re coming from, and if they don’t want to that’s totally fine. But, in my view, if a son asks to spend Christmas with his mum and sister, it’s something I would try to accommodate. I’d hope for the same on return.

Double posted by mistake!

OP - Can you have two christmases - perhaps you can invite them to stay with you, host for a bit and then go to your mum.

Ok - but why are you saying FFS and accusing me of not reading properly? I have read properly, and have a different view on it. I felt like I come from a place where I could speak on the situation because am the one who always hosts parties (and I also request no one bring anything). I’ve hosted up to 30 and never turn any extras away. I work full time and have 3 primary school aged children BUT I love a full house and the energy. Kids running around, cousins getting merry, and the smell of good food! I’m coming from my own perspective as someone who hosts because I truly enjoy it. I did not say to order her mum, I understood she thought her mum would say ‘yes’. Of course it’s for OP to take or leave opinions.

They do accommodate it - on alternate years, which is the way many, many families resolve 'Christmas'.

And OP has left yours because, since you don't seem to realise, @OtterlyMad is the OP.

For me, if my spouse wants to see his mum at Christmas - he’s going to see his mum at Christmas. The ‘case closed’ approach of ‘No, you are only every other year even if you want to try a different way’ is not how a loving long lasting marriage operates. Life isn’t static, there is room to change arrangements especially if your partner is asking you.