It’s a Christmas one sorry! AIBU not inviting my in-laws to spend it with my family?

[OtterlyMad]

Apologies I know Christmas is still bloody ages away but our parents start asking for our Christmas plans as soon as we make it past Easter (!) so we’re under pressure to let them know. I’ll try to keep it brief.

DH has a very small family: his mum and sister (both single and live alone on the opposite side of the country to us) plus a handful of extended family they only see at weddings and funerals.

By comparison, my family is big. It’s normal to be 12+ people for Christmas dinner. My siblings and I have small houses so my mum hosts every year (she has a 4-bed semi so not a mansion by any means) and she never complains but I feel guilty and wish we could host to take the pressure off her. Sadly it’s just not feasible until we upsize which won’t happen for another couple of years yet.

For the first few years of our relationship, DH and I always celebrated Christmas apart, with our respective families. Since we got married we’ve alternated which side we spend it with. This year it’s my family’s turn. But DH always feels bad whenever we don’t see his mum and sister since it’s just the two of them. This year, he suggested that we invite them to spend Christmas with my lot (obviously we would have to ask my mum first but I know she would agree because that’s the sort of person she is). However, I think it’s unfair to place any extra burden on my mum. DH says “it’s only two more people” but that’s on top of a dozen already. Plus my family are used to it being a tight squeeze - some of us end up sitting on the floor, and it’s all elbows at the dinner table - but we muddle through and have a laugh. Frankly I can’t imagine my quiet, reserved in-laws enjoying the ruckus and I wouldn’t be able to relax because I’d be worried the whole time that they were judging my very forward, loud and (probably) drunk family members!

I told DH no and we argued about it. He has accused me of disliking his family (not true), of being selfish (because his mum and sister have to spend the day “on their own” though I’ve pointed out they’re not on their own if they’re together!!) and “gatekeeping my family” (whatever that means). Am I being unreasonable by refusing to invite them?? I just want to continue with the current arrangement where we alternate each year.

P.S. In case anyone is wondering why we can’t split it (e.g. Christmas Day with one side and Boxing Day with the other) DH’s mum and sister live a 6hr+ drive away so it has to be all or nothing really.

I’m interpreting your advice as though op should practically force her mum to invite extra guests. I don’t think that is the answer.

I'd hate to have Christmas in an AirB&B. Nothing of my own possessions around me, cooking in an unfamiliar kitchen-no way!

How odd. Didn’t they all go to your wedding? Don’t you ever have any big family celebrations?

But there is no last person standing in this scenario. There’s a mother and daughter spending Christmas together. Why on earth is that sad

Why would OP's children do this to her when she has said that when they move into a bigger house and have children, there will be an open invite for Christmas for both sides of the family? OP is only reluctant to invite her MIL and SIL because it will affect her mum.

I think that OP's DH should go and spend Christmas with his mum and sister and OP should spend Christmas with her family.

I find that odd too. Isn’t marriage supposed to be about joining two families - or is that just the wedding?

Gosh I am not angry with the OP, where did you get that impression?

I guess those of us who are lucky enough to have easy going families on both sides who have the ethos of 'the more the merrier' can't see what the big deal is, especially as the OP has not said the MIL and SIL are nightmare guests. I get that it would change the dynamic a bit, but is that such a bad thing to do especially as the OP's DH (who she has not mentioned is a selfish control freak so I'm going to assume he is a nice decent bloke and a good husband) has specifically asked if his family could join in.

OP my mum was the type who wouldn't accept help in the kitchen either, but there are ways to make things easier for her surely so she doesn't spend the day run ragged - it's just a big roast dinner!

Definitely not for you then! But the OP has already said hosting at her house would never be an option but seems very keen on hosting and taking pressure off her mum so it would be a good option in that case! Get a big food shop delivered with all the Christmas food, everyone gets allocated something to bring eg. Small decorations, games, Christmas jumpers (whatever your family traditions are!). For me Christmas has at times been about being creative to make it work, and they’ve always ended up being memorable and meaningful Christmases 😊

I absolutely get this.
Everyone celebrates differents so just limping different families together don't always work. I also find it stressful being the intermediary. My family and in-laws are very different and I also have DIL DM to consider as she'd be on her own. We have tried many different things over the years but the only thing that really working is having 2 celebrations. This was perfect when the kids were little and had no idea when Christmas day actually was, less easy now they are older.
I don't think you are a monster at all but there probably is a way to find a compromise. It gets even trickier once kids are added into the mix!

The more the merrier isn’t always what someone wants at Christmas, I wouldn’t.

No, not two whole families.
I have 4 siblings, their in-laws are not related to me.
Each family gets one new family member, the entire families don’t merge, only meetings on special occasions, DGC birthday or similar.

Indeed. My DP and I have spent - of the 26 Christmases we've been together - precisely 2 of them with family (once wth my parents, once with hers). The rest have been almost all just the two of us, with 2 spent with friends.

We like it that way. It's not "sad" in the slightest.

Hell no! They are two people making a new family together, not marrying dynastic lines together.

I'd rather gargle glass than spend time with my SIL's toxic father and (particularly) stepmother. She's like the Angel of Death. Told brother and SIL's children if they didn't believe in Jesus they wouldn't get Christmas presents.

My other SIL's mother doesn't speak a word of English and strongly disapproves of women drinking alcohol so has a cat-bum face throughout the Christmas she was at my parents in-law's house.

My in-laws and my parents couldn't be more different. We've done a handful of family events of the past 30 years and they are always rather awkward and stiff.

The More The Merrier crowd never think that perhaps some families aren't necessarily compatible with every other family.

And once again for the hard of thinking, a mother and her adult daughter spending Christmas together is not spending Christmas alone.

We extend the invitation and rather that than someone have a lonely Christmas.
for instance, we have nieces who bring bf, my DH sister brings her FIL.

we host, it’s exhausting, and we have close to 20 usually.

I probably will because I am widowed, no kids and the youngest sib. As things stand, it doesn’t bother me.

Your post tells the op you can understand why her DH is disappointed in her and that she is mean not to invite them. I think that’s incredibly harsh.

Inviting someone you don’t know as well can easily change the mood and dynamic of the day, and also, sometimes yes, inviting more people does put extra stress on things. I spent xmas at my mum’s last year. There were only 7 of us in a 3 bed house but it was utter chaos with not enough room and like op has detailed, not enough actual seats for dinner.

Plus no one has to justify not inviting someone to their house when they are hosting.

No. As I said earlier, I got married 6 years ago, been with my DH nearly 10 years our parents have met 3 times in that time.

They don’t have much in common but mostly it’s because they live hours from each other.

My DH and I both moved away from home for uni, and then again for work. It is quite common in our generation to not live close to our families and therefore for each other’s families to live close by.

It might become more common again with the younger generations who are struggling to afford to move out of home.

For the sake of 2 people cmon no point arguing over it yet then there...our family is massive both sides and we all help mum and we all pile in sometimes extra peeps sometimes not it doesn't matter for us

Your mum will run herself ragged? Do you not all muck in? Help her out! If she says yes, and his family says yes then so be it! If they are that quiet and reserved, would they even want to? Set their expectations so they can decide. The "letting your hair down" comments seems really quite juvenile.

We have this planned this year - DSC are with their Mum and the two of us are going to hole up with the dog, watch ludicrous Christmas films and drinks lots of champagne. Every other year is the big clan Christmas which I love but I am SO looking forward to this year's calm solitude.

I do understand you can't impose this on your Mum. Would it be worth a conversation with her? As long as once you have space you invite both sides to yours if it's a big Christmas, I don't think you're being unkind to tell MIL and SIL have their own Christmas every other year.

Absolutely this! 👆YANBU @OtterlyMad As you have repeatedly pointed out to the hard of understanding on this thread, your DH's DM and DSis are not "alone" - they are together. Alternating Christmas at your DM's and your DH's DM's has worked well for years, so why does it need to change? I know you've said that your DM would agree to inviting them if she were asked, but I wonder what your DH would say if your DM actually said No? I think it's interesting that your DH views your position as "gatekeeping" his family, rather than simply protecting your own DM from ending her Christmas day in a state of exhaustion!
Stick to your guns OP - there's no need to change an arrangement that already works.

Maybe it's just me but I would like to think that if I went to my mum and explained the situation I wouldn't need to force her and she would say of course.
OP doesn't want to do it and is giving a whole load of reasons why not, fair enough but own the decision and move on.

YANBU. Is he planning on his mum hosting all of your family next year? He is being so unreasonable ! I’d probably say you can invite them over to stay with you 26th-29th or something if you’ve space for the 2 of them…. But that’s more than generous and certainly not necessary to offer if you haven’t space or don’t want to.

Stand your ground, he’s being very unreasonable. I bet you he’s planning you won’t get to see yours every year as his mum won’t be hosting your family, but he will at the cost of stressing your family out. He sounds very manipulative and I’d be looking out for more red flags in the relationship.

That still sounds to me like she would be guilting her mum into saying yes when she may not want to.

I can only go by what I would do in that situation and knowing what my mum would have done as well if asked.

It's moot anyway as the OP doesn't want to do it so no-one will be guilted into anything.