It’s a Christmas one sorry! AIBU not inviting my in-laws to spend it with my family?

[OtterlyMad]

Apologies I know Christmas is still bloody ages away but our parents start asking for our Christmas plans as soon as we make it past Easter (!) so we’re under pressure to let them know. I’ll try to keep it brief.

DH has a very small family: his mum and sister (both single and live alone on the opposite side of the country to us) plus a handful of extended family they only see at weddings and funerals.

By comparison, my family is big. It’s normal to be 12+ people for Christmas dinner. My siblings and I have small houses so my mum hosts every year (she has a 4-bed semi so not a mansion by any means) and she never complains but I feel guilty and wish we could host to take the pressure off her. Sadly it’s just not feasible until we upsize which won’t happen for another couple of years yet.

For the first few years of our relationship, DH and I always celebrated Christmas apart, with our respective families. Since we got married we’ve alternated which side we spend it with. This year it’s my family’s turn. But DH always feels bad whenever we don’t see his mum and sister since it’s just the two of them. This year, he suggested that we invite them to spend Christmas with my lot (obviously we would have to ask my mum first but I know she would agree because that’s the sort of person she is). However, I think it’s unfair to place any extra burden on my mum. DH says “it’s only two more people” but that’s on top of a dozen already. Plus my family are used to it being a tight squeeze - some of us end up sitting on the floor, and it’s all elbows at the dinner table - but we muddle through and have a laugh. Frankly I can’t imagine my quiet, reserved in-laws enjoying the ruckus and I wouldn’t be able to relax because I’d be worried the whole time that they were judging my very forward, loud and (probably) drunk family members!

I told DH no and we argued about it. He has accused me of disliking his family (not true), of being selfish (because his mum and sister have to spend the day “on their own” though I’ve pointed out they’re not on their own if they’re together!!) and “gatekeeping my family” (whatever that means). Am I being unreasonable by refusing to invite them?? I just want to continue with the current arrangement where we alternate each year.

P.S. In case anyone is wondering why we can’t split it (e.g. Christmas Day with one side and Boxing Day with the other) DH’s mum and sister live a 6hr+ drive away so it has to be all or nothing really.

I get where your husband is coming from. If it was at your house I'd say invite them. Its not your husbands place invite guests to your mum's house.

She's already run ragged with the amount of your family
Two extra people coming,might actually a help to her

Is it, I had no idea. Thanks for letting me know! I do try and be kind, when it counts 🫠

Voted YANBU because we have to have joint celebrations with my BIL's in-laws (my SIL parents/family) and I bloody hate it. I usually sit one end with my quieter FIL and BIL, and it ends up as two camps. I appreciate the irony that I, too, am just an in-law to DH family.

I will never understand the obsession that Christmas starts in November and ends in January. It's extremely difficult for people on their own. Not everyone has a family or friends who invite them. I've spent the last 6 Christmas' entirely on my own. I would see friends in the build up to it, but it's an incredibly isolating time and yes, I beg to differ, it IS one day.

If there are family around, yes they should be invited.

Goodness there's some sanctimonious, holier-than-thou types on the thread. You're being completely reasonable, OP. If your DH is so concerned about his mum and sister being on their own, then he can spend Xmas with them and you can see your family in peace.

god id knock this on the head now I hate this Christmas drama haha

I never once spent Christmas at my in-laws - even when we were married for 5 years pre kids we just each did Christmas with our own families. we both live in UK and families in Ireland so we both were keen to just get home to each of our families as we live away anyway.

I see my husband every day so i don't really care that we spend Christmas separate tbh, what does it matter its just a meal and a few drinks and present swapping.

We have 2 little kids now though and first 2 years was Covid so we didn't go home and then last year we did go back and had it at my families house and then we went to see his mum on the 27th

This year we are just staying in our own house as travelling is expensive at Christmas and I don't want to be dragging the presents home on a plane.

The sooner you break free of the expectations the better i think.

There’s already a compromise in place. Alternate Christmases. A new compromise of meeting half way/ seeing neither parent on Xmas day/ inviting in laws to spend time with each other to make it easier for someone doesn’t need to be made. Continue with the alternate Christmases, it’s the only fair way.

I guess this is why it seems mean (and petty), because essentially you're saying if you don't want to have a sad, small Christmas then go make some other friends, you're not welcome here. To your DHs family, and I presume you care about him at least, and want him to have the best day he can. So just own it and say you don't want them to be part of your family Xmas.

OP can't just unilaterally decide 'the more the merrier' and then impose it on her mum.

OP has said many times that when she and her DH move to a bigger house, there will be an open invitation to both sides of the family so it will be 'the more the merrier' at that point.

Honestly, I can't believe that a mother and daughter spending Christmas Day together every other year is actually making people so sad that they want to cry. It all sounds very performative and over the top to me.

1. its not an invitation for you to offer, let alone your DH
2. Do they live a lonely unhappy life generally? or is that DH's perception?

As someone who lives alone, always has enjoyed quiet Christmases and would rather poke pencils in my eyes than go to a "big jolly family" affair. I honestly don't see a problem. Why has your husband brought this up now?

it may be difficult for you and for that I am sorry but please don't run away with the belief that everybody is like you.

Until I started hosting, my in-laws / my sisters in-laws always invited my mum. They didn’t like the idea of her missing out. Sometimes she accepted, sometimes she didn’t. When she didn’t we made the effort to go and see her in the build up to Christmas. Where would the in-laws sleep if they did come?

As the main host now, I can imagine that it must be hard when your Christmas suddenly becomes very small when others do their own thing, even though that’s what you want them to do - be independent and enjoy life.

Could all of you club together and hire a large air bnb or similar for over Christmas that would have space for everyone including the inlaws and take the burden off your Mum from hosting.

I can see both POV and this serves as a reminder of the perils of Christmas.
Your husband will not be content on Christmas day if his mum and sister aren't there.
Could you help your mum with the workload and your MIL and sil book into a hotel / guest House to sleep in?

"You are entirely missing the point of Christmas….. the more the merrier!"

well that may be your view but its not mine

" I could cry if I give it too much thought."

FFS get over yourself

Op there will come a time when you or DH will wish for nothing more than to see these people. Time is not infinite, this will all seem so silly when you look back

I'm not at all, thanks for your empathy though. I'm glad 'not everybody is like me'. I wouldn't wish it on anyone and hope you never find yourself in the same position if your entire family pass away.

Also, one day your children might do this to you. Your DH has told you he feels like you are punishing his family. Also don't let this rot set in.
2 extra people for a couple of hours, a family that could all chip in (regardless of what your mum says)
Shared Christmases are hard. I've been in the exact position as your DH , it doesn't feel nice and didn't bode well for my marriage either

If it’s going to be very crowded and noisy, with quite likely nowhere comfortable to sit, maybe they wouldn’t want to come anyway.

I hate all of this around Christmas. We have issues every year as well and it’s all very well and good people saying “just do what you want” but there’s so many other people’s feelings / opinions etc. it’s such a nightmare.

But… Why should your DH get to see his family every Christmas and you have to have your traditions / celebrations changed? Your poor mum doing everything as it is! 2 more people might just push her over the edge.

Maybe his mum and sister like to have a quiet Christmas just the two of them?

Alternating is perfectly fine IMO. At the end of the day there is a wider family on DH’s side which MIL/SIL could engage in but for whatever reason choose not to. They get to make their own decisions and life choices, you get to do the same. Any idea what happened with Christmas’s when DH was a child. Did both sides if the family all get together or was there any alternation?

I don't think anyone's being unreasonable here?

I can't see what's wrong with the status quo compromise of alternate Xmases apart from the OP's husband feeling bad when he doesn't see his family.

But neither is there anything wrong with wanting to include them in the bigger get-together.

What leaps out to me is that both the OP and her husband are weaponising what other people might feel in an argument that seems more about their own marriage (and not regarding what those other people DO feel).

OP's husband assumes his mum and sister feel sad and left out when they're just by themselves. But if they're quiet types they might be perfectly content having a small Xmas with just the two of them, and they might not want to be thrust into the OP's louder, drunker, more crammed Xmas.

OP assumes her mum wouldn't be able to cope, and that it'd be an unfair imposition on her. That ignores the fact that 1) at a critical mass of people, one or two more will not be the straw that breaks the camel's back; 2) her mum sounds like one of those people who enjoys all the running round and hosting, as several posters have said they are as well; 3) if she truly feels her mum is run ragged then her family can easily override her when she tells them not to do things.

But OP's husband has turned this into a referendum over whether the OP likes his family, and OP is refusing to even put out feelers with her mum to see whether an invite might be acceptable (which is the least she could do). They've turned a situation in which neither were unreasonable and that should have been talked through normally into an argument in which frankly both are being ridiculous.

I think the potential invite is a red herring and there's something bigger going on - almost certainly to do with the OP and her husband's family never quite gelling over the years?

I get it - two different families with different traditions etc. I think keeping them separate and alternating sounds like the fairest until you are able to host. My husband and I used to alternate Christmas and New Year - so we would spend a few days around Christmas with one family and a few days around New Year with the other and switch the next year. We would effectively have 2 Christmas celebrations each year. Could you do this?

I don't understand the can't relax comment and also would want to make the effort to include them. I would speak to my mum and I would insist on helping to enable it to happen. If they decline then that's on them but what if something happens to one of them what do you do then?

By trying to integrate the families a bit more now isn't a bad thing.