It’s a Christmas one sorry! AIBU not inviting my in-laws to spend it with my family?

[OtterlyMad]

Apologies I know Christmas is still bloody ages away but our parents start asking for our Christmas plans as soon as we make it past Easter (!) so we’re under pressure to let them know. I’ll try to keep it brief.

DH has a very small family: his mum and sister (both single and live alone on the opposite side of the country to us) plus a handful of extended family they only see at weddings and funerals.

By comparison, my family is big. It’s normal to be 12+ people for Christmas dinner. My siblings and I have small houses so my mum hosts every year (she has a 4-bed semi so not a mansion by any means) and she never complains but I feel guilty and wish we could host to take the pressure off her. Sadly it’s just not feasible until we upsize which won’t happen for another couple of years yet.

For the first few years of our relationship, DH and I always celebrated Christmas apart, with our respective families. Since we got married we’ve alternated which side we spend it with. This year it’s my family’s turn. But DH always feels bad whenever we don’t see his mum and sister since it’s just the two of them. This year, he suggested that we invite them to spend Christmas with my lot (obviously we would have to ask my mum first but I know she would agree because that’s the sort of person she is). However, I think it’s unfair to place any extra burden on my mum. DH says “it’s only two more people” but that’s on top of a dozen already. Plus my family are used to it being a tight squeeze - some of us end up sitting on the floor, and it’s all elbows at the dinner table - but we muddle through and have a laugh. Frankly I can’t imagine my quiet, reserved in-laws enjoying the ruckus and I wouldn’t be able to relax because I’d be worried the whole time that they were judging my very forward, loud and (probably) drunk family members!

I told DH no and we argued about it. He has accused me of disliking his family (not true), of being selfish (because his mum and sister have to spend the day “on their own” though I’ve pointed out they’re not on their own if they’re together!!) and “gatekeeping my family” (whatever that means). Am I being unreasonable by refusing to invite them?? I just want to continue with the current arrangement where we alternate each year.

P.S. In case anyone is wondering why we can’t split it (e.g. Christmas Day with one side and Boxing Day with the other) DH’s mum and sister live a 6hr+ drive away so it has to be all or nothing really.

My late MIL would come to stay with us for a few days over Christmas and was welcomed at my brother's home where the Day was celebrated with Boxing Day being at our house. However as the children got older and a bit rowdier she decided not to come as it was too much for her, we would go over either before or after the Day to see her and take her out.

We got married on our own. Mainly because we didn’t want any fuss. We didn’t tell anyone.

We’ve never had big family celebrations, just not our thing really.

None of my extended family has ever met any of DH’s extended family despite the majority all living fairly nearby. They could walk past each other in the street and have no idea who the other person was.

OP's already said her mum would say yes because she'd feel obliged to.

And of course she would. She'd be emotionally blackmailed by her selfish son in law "too think of his poor lonely mum" despite the fact this is a woman who's idea of Christmas is doing every singl thing in her kitchen herself. And you're adding strangers in the mix.

Nah.

I have always done the Xmas with one side of family and New Year with the other be abuse almost 500 miles apart. Now my parents are both dead we go to DH Mum who is only living parent at some point over Xmas. It might be Boxing day or 27th. She is not alone on Xmas day but if she was we would have to go to bed with her because she won't travel to us. It's difficult because we have plenty of space and she doesn't.

I'll say!

I wonder who these judgemental posters open their doors to on Christmas Day. Presumably they're flat out rounding up isolated elderly people, neighbours and the homeless in the run-up to Christmas.

I’m single and my mum is widowed, usually one of my siblings will host us but if for some reason one year all of them were having Christmas at their ILs there is absolutely no way I would expect to be invited, especially ILs who live the other side of the country from me and who presumably I hardly knew.

If your DH really can’t bear the thought of his sister and mum having Christmas just the two of them then maybe you need to go back to having separate Christmases, at least until you have children. That would be a more reasonable solution than expecting your parents to host his family.

I think it’s fine for two adults to have Christmas together. We need to normalise quiet celebrations and not put pressure on people. I would much prefer to keep things separate too OP you are not a bad person.

I definitely don't think yabu. I think your DH is UR.

You've two options, both have shitty outcomes. If you do cave as there is animosity brewing in your marriage, I would insist it is a one off, come next Christmas when it is their turn, invite ALL your family to their home. It sounds ridiculous because it IS on both sides.

Is he sure his DM will want to go, before causing this stress.

@OtterlyMad So i have a similar situation albeit just my MIL. My family is reasonably large, although we have lost a few members over the past few years, but there is always a pressure to include my MIL at all my family gatherings. I love MIL a lot but sometimes i just want time with my family without her being there.

Its a difficult one and i know completely where you are coming from. How do you family get on with your inlaws? Does you DM get on with your MIL? Are they friendly? In my situation my DM and MIL get on really well so its hard to exclude.

Its your DM's decision ultimately so i would ask her if there is room for 2 more but you need to have a chat with your DH about his expectations too and how imposing other inlaws etc is not your decision alone and he shouldnt be pressuring you.

YANBU
Completely agree with @PestoHoliday and other posters that it would be unreasonable to impose extra guests on your mum, who presumably knows your MIL and SIL are together on Xmas and would invite if she had capacity.

As your family grows or your mum ages things may well change again and your big family Xmas together will be a fond memory.

DH has a choice, spend “your family Xmas” with you or spend it with his mum and sister.

There are no alternatives as they live so far away it would be impossible to see them both over the Xmas period. Presumably they are quite used to small Xmas celebrations before you joined their family, it is their norm. Your husband is quite unreasonable, especially as none of the additional work is going to fall on his shoulders!

Hold firm and make changes only when you have a larger home and/or your own children and want to do so!

I am a more the merrier kind of person and I still think you shouldn't invite them!

Like you say

• It's not your house
• There's a disparity in the kind of people they are, either your family will have to curtail themselves or the in-laws will likely feel uncomfortable
• You already split every other year
• There's two of them so they're not alone!
• It's a bit offensive to them to suggest they're some boring losers all by themselves, if there was ever a reason it was just me and my mum at Christmas I would be very happy to spend the time together!

Having said that I'm not convinced your in-laws would actually like to come in the first place, are you close enough to do some digging? Because if you know they'll refuse you could avoid the argument with DH by showing willing knowing they'll say no anyway 😇

If you don’t have children, couldn’t DH just go and spend it with his family if he’s so concerned about them?

I’ve always told DH that as long as my parents are alive I’ll be sat round their table for Christmas dinner. He has the choice whether to spend it with me, or his side of the family. As it happened in the last few years his brothers have all split off to spending it with their own family/girlfriends which is why MIL comes with us to my parent’s house. It works well for us because we have 2 kids now and I don’t think he’d want to be away from them for any part of the day.

It’s not OP’s DH’s decision to make - but it is a normal thing to have to sort out / discuss for most couples / families every Christmas I think.

OP doesn’t want it but if she did then her mum at least needs to be asked whether she wants extra guests and if she does then the MIL & SIL need to be asked if they want to go.

But I hate all this pressure around having to do it on a specific date when there are so many factors to consider (eg, a long distance, relationships, personalities etc), because it should be a relaxing, enjoyable time (whatever that means to everyone).

We always offer to host Xmas for everyone, but we live a couple of hours from my (bigger) family, so tend to meet them for a meal pre or post Christmas, or they come to us for a meal / present drop the week before.

My In-laws live round the corner & we tend to see them pre & post Christmas too. They nearly always invite us round for the day but we don’t want to spend every Christmas Day with them or my DH’s older brother and his wife tbh, who almost always go, and for us it feels fairer to do it the way we do.

Last year we just stayed at home with our young dd & it was lovely.

I don't think it's unreasonable to want Christmas with your own family and not your in-laws. That's why people compromise and alternate - that's what is fair. It's neither here nor there that your family is big and his is not. His mum and sister are not alone - they have each other!

I also think it's rude AF for him to make this decision on your mum's behalf. It's not his house and it's not his invitation to issue. Your mum shouldn't be put in this position imo. Maybe she's happy hosting her own kids but doesn't want to be even more overcrowded by hosting people who aren't really anything to do with her! I believe that if your mum wanted to invite them, she would - it's inappropriate to ask.
He's being manipulative with all this 'gate keeping' shite - I'd be inclined to say that his family isn't yours and that you are allowed to not want to share every Christmas with them! If he wants to pull that crap, he deserves to hear the truth - most people would prefer to spend 'big' occasions with our own families and we alternate to be fair not because we really want to!

YANBU, it changes the dynamics, & would it then become an expectation that they're invited each time.

I still think you should both just go to see your own families. Him insisting you going to his every other year while he goes to his every year is weird and he just needs to accept that it isn't how it works.

Has DH asked them if they enjoy Christmas just the two of them or with local friends?

YANBU to want to stick to the alternate year arrangement but YABU for assuming how others actually feel.

My DM was the Christmas host for many years and like your DM she was always “bring them on” when it came to extras. As they lived three hours from us but reasonably near to my iLs we all joined up and it worked well.

Time moves on, we had DC and hauling DC, presents and everything else across country became too much and hosting moved to us. We invited everyone, some came and some didn’t. My iLs (well mainly FiL) preferred to stay home and have a quieter time, sometimes my parents would go to a different sibling. If we didn’t see one set on Christmas Day we would visit them either in the run up to Christmas or early in the NY (this worked quite well to break up January!).

DH is unreasonable to assume your family will double up hosting so that he can still spend Christmas day with his own family every year. However you should discuss with your DM on the basis that she must be willing ot accept some help. Also maybe try to book an AirBnB or similar for you all or at least DH’s family to reduce the load on DM and give them some respite from a large crowd. If she says “yes” then DH needs to ask his family what they would enjoy. They can say for themselves if they would prefer just the two of them.

You can also split and continue to separately see your own parents, at least until you have DC.

In a few years you or a sibling may become “the host” and things change again. At some I dare say point one of mine will take over the hosting and I’ll be the visitor. The wheel moves on, don’t waste it sweating the small stuff - just ask each set of parents what they actually want.

@PestoHoliday is spot on. I don’t think you’re being mean at all, @OtterlyMad. I would feel exactly the same as you!

I think you are being a bit uncharitable.

MIL and FIL would be on their own this year because DH is with my side and BIL will be with gf but my parents have invited them to our family Christmas. 2 more people won’t make much of a difference to hosting and it’s nice to include people at Christmas.

ILs and DPs are friends though and the mums have lunch/coffee together and they go to each others for dinner sometimes without us so it won’t be awkward as everyone already gets on.

I too can empathise with your situation. At the risk of upsetting you but worth asking I think, have you looked into events or charities close to you on Christmas Day where your help could be welcomed or if not volunteering yourself - that you could engage with? Charities like Age UK, Crisis and Shout are always seeking volunteers not just at Christmas but you can tap into these charities for support during the Christmas season. There are probably things local to you too. Approach your local volunteer services if you think it might be something you could do.

Yep, this sums it up pretty well.

My mum doesn't mind. She has plenty of company and we go down Christmas eve or Boxing Day instead. She wouldn't want my in-laws to be on their own.

One other point - if Christmas was split we used to aim for one of the other Christmas weekends eg Spanish Christmas in our New Year or Sinterklaas earlier in December and the DC would have the relevant presents on those days. This distinguished it from a regular weekend visit and spread the present giving for the DC.

I've read this thread with bemusement and horror.
The guilt tripping, name calling and over emotive posts from some posters...
Crying and in sorrow because @OtterlyMad isn't doing what her 'd'H is demanding!
Bonkers!

But unlike you, OP's MIL and SIL are not completely on their own as they spend Christmas Day together and it's only just the two of them every other year.

I'd happily spend Christmas Day with just my adult daughter if my two adult sons and their families spend it with their in-laws.

OP has said that when she and her DH buy a bigger house, both sides of the family will be invited to spend Christmad with them. It's only because OP and her DH are spending Christmas at OP's mum's house that OP is reluctant to invite them as it puts more pressure on her mum.