It’s a Christmas one sorry! AIBU not inviting my in-laws to spend it with my family?

[OtterlyMad]

Apologies I know Christmas is still bloody ages away but our parents start asking for our Christmas plans as soon as we make it past Easter (!) so we’re under pressure to let them know. I’ll try to keep it brief.

DH has a very small family: his mum and sister (both single and live alone on the opposite side of the country to us) plus a handful of extended family they only see at weddings and funerals.

By comparison, my family is big. It’s normal to be 12+ people for Christmas dinner. My siblings and I have small houses so my mum hosts every year (she has a 4-bed semi so not a mansion by any means) and she never complains but I feel guilty and wish we could host to take the pressure off her. Sadly it’s just not feasible until we upsize which won’t happen for another couple of years yet.

For the first few years of our relationship, DH and I always celebrated Christmas apart, with our respective families. Since we got married we’ve alternated which side we spend it with. This year it’s my family’s turn. But DH always feels bad whenever we don’t see his mum and sister since it’s just the two of them. This year, he suggested that we invite them to spend Christmas with my lot (obviously we would have to ask my mum first but I know she would agree because that’s the sort of person she is). However, I think it’s unfair to place any extra burden on my mum. DH says “it’s only two more people” but that’s on top of a dozen already. Plus my family are used to it being a tight squeeze - some of us end up sitting on the floor, and it’s all elbows at the dinner table - but we muddle through and have a laugh. Frankly I can’t imagine my quiet, reserved in-laws enjoying the ruckus and I wouldn’t be able to relax because I’d be worried the whole time that they were judging my very forward, loud and (probably) drunk family members!

I told DH no and we argued about it. He has accused me of disliking his family (not true), of being selfish (because his mum and sister have to spend the day “on their own” though I’ve pointed out they’re not on their own if they’re together!!) and “gatekeeping my family” (whatever that means). Am I being unreasonable by refusing to invite them?? I just want to continue with the current arrangement where we alternate each year.

P.S. In case anyone is wondering why we can’t split it (e.g. Christmas Day with one side and Boxing Day with the other) DH’s mum and sister live a 6hr+ drive away so it has to be all or nothing really.

As for two people not being “alone” at Christmas, I think that depends on the people. I’m sure many parents on here would be distraught if none of their children invited them for Christmas, or all made other plans hat didn’t include them. Other couples would no doubt be perfectly happy to have a cosy Christmas together. And while some single people are happy spending Christmas alone with parents, many others would not be.

Just an alternative word.

I'm 65 now and our mothers are 89, mine is married. From 1991 to 2019 I hosted Christmas for MIL and FIL, my mother and step didn't want to come - step didn't have children and they had very active social lives. They were always invited. They came the weekend or two beforehand and I always did a special meal - sometimes Turkey.

ILs were 240 miles away, mine 100. DH's sisters live abroad and I'm an only child. The arrangement became a rod I made for my own back.

For a couple of years post covid we took a house near MIL so she wasn't alone at Christmas.

Nowadays they are both frail and for the last few years we have worked on the basis that every Christmas could be their last. Therefore DH and I split at Christmas.

Our DC are grown up. One is married and one relatively settled. They have their own lives and whilst we are delighted they want to see us during the Christmas period, they are very welcome to have their own plans. I want them always to come because they want to, not from a sense of duty. For three years now we haven't been able to be together on the three main days and it isn't an issue.

There will come a time when DH and I may spend Christmas on our own. It will be bloody marvellous notwithstanding the sad reasons for it when it happens.

I just wanted to say that not all parents have unrealistic expectations at Christmas time, will willingly go with the flow and might happily have a bit of p&q having spent spent decades running around after everyone else.

I agree too. It does seem like you’re gate keeping your jolly family Christmas. Surely you can summon the grace to try to include them.

Omg finally someone gets it. Can we be friends? 😂

Alternating is already fair, he can FO dictating every year he can have next year?

I’d offer them the opportunity (if your mum says it’s ok) but warn them that it’s likely to be a big loud ruckus, then they can choose whether to join in (and like it!) or have a quiet one just the two of them.

I don’t think he’s being unreasonable to ask, but he’s being unreasonable to not accept no and to say it’s only two extra people for your mum. I also don’t think you’re being unreasonable to say no. It would change the vibe at Christmas for my family to have people they don’t know sat around the table. I don’t think it would feel the same if my brother brought along his sister in law who I don’t know, and for us to be opening gifts and getting drunk with them there.

Where would they stay if they came to your mum for Christmas? Would you have to host them around Christmas?

Plus, it sounds like it becomes your mum’s burden to do this every other year once it begins. I’d also say no.

Absolutely.
As long as your mum is happy to host me for Christmas from now until the end of time, obviously.
😉

I’ve posted already but god this thread is genuinely baffling me. I don’t see how people are saying ‘just invite them!’ to someone else’s (small!) home, someone who seems to struggle to say no and who insists on running around after everyone already! Like… what? Do social norms and manners fly out of the window because it’s Christmas? OPs mother is, no doubt, aware of the existence of her children’s in-laws and has, very reasonably, chosen not to exponentially increase the number of people she hosts by choosing not to extend the invite to them all!

You are entirely missing the point of Christmas….. the more the merrier!

Just imagine if you were last person standing on your side of the family and your daughter-in-law (and son) said she couldn’t fit you in to her big family Christmas. I could cry if I give it too much thought.

Obviously we all come at this from our own perspectives but as one of those dreaded only children(!) who generally had very small Christmases growing up, and now a daughter-in-law and usually the host of extended family Christmases (so arguably I have some perspective of you, your DH and your mother!) I really do subscribe to the-more-the-merrier at Christmas.

What would make me feel sad is not the very idea of a two person Christmas (had plenty of those with my DH out of choice and they were lovely) but the idea of that being foisted on them with no other options. I would feel wretched at the idea of them not feeling welcome to join the big gathering, even if they ultimately decided to turn it down, if that makes sense?

In your shoes I would probably approach my mum first and have a proper conversation about how she would feel about having two more alongside a conversation, complete with ready-made suggestions, about how we can take the burden off her practically (whether they come or not) because it's really important to you that she gets to enjoy Christmas as much of the rest of you.

Assuming she was on board, I'd then send the offer to the in-laws framed very much as, "please don't feel obliged - we know it's a long way and you might prefer a quiet, relaxing Christmas to a big, rowdy one, but if you'd like to join us you'd be very, very welcome!" or similar.

As for the next year, your in-laws will either love it, in which case maybe spending Christmas all together could become more of a norm, or they'll hate it and will likely turn down the next invitation and you'll be back to where you are but with no feeling they're not welcome or that you're abandoning them.

I would invite them.
I would also help PIL host by cooking etc.

If you feel like you need to contribute more you could also host a non sit down Boxing Day casual lunch or brunch for your relatives and two inlaws. Soup and mini pizzas or toasties.

Of course it doesn't have to be this way every year but this time I would agree with your DH and accommodate his two family members.

I think it would be different if MIL was spending the day alone, but she has her daughter, she’s not alone.

Just another thought on this...how often does DH see his mum?
I love how people worry about people being alone/small family at Christmas time, but what about the rest of the year? Does he worry then about mum on her own with only the sister around?

Late to the thread but as an idea - could you all get an air bnb half way somewhere so everyone gets to come, there’s enough space and your mum isn’t in her own home so she can relax and you can assume hosting responsibilities!

OP you are not being unreasonable at all. It really annoys me that Christmas just starts to become about feeling obligated to please other people. It’s not your fault you have a big family and your partner has a small
one. You are allowed to have a Christmas with your family without the in laws. I wouldn’t like my in laws coming with me to my family and I know my family wouldn’t relax and it would change the dynamic. Please ignore all the “oh but it’s Christmas” it’s your Christmas too and you agreed, to make it fair to alternate each year. If you are fretting and arguing about it in August it sounds really stressful. Everyone had the right to say no to anything without being guilt tripped. Your MIL isn’t alone - she’s with her daughter - if I was spending Xmas with just one of my adult children we would have a fab time.

But isn't that unfair on the siblings who might also be seeing their in laws who live elsewhere? This is why the OP and her husband wanting to change things by not alternating makes it more complicated as it's not just about them.
Presumably the siblings see their partners families at some point too, maybe they also alternate?
If the OP goes along with this this year, what then happens next year. As she has pointed out he then gets very Christmas with his family while she misses out.

Why don’t you and DH have DH’s family over and then see your family a different day?

Or see neither family on Christmas Day, that’s what we do to avoid all the who’s turn is it stuff.

To add - we have a similar situation in that my MIL and BIL are both single. We wouldn’t do it every year (depending on my brother really). But if it would just be us and my parents we make it one big thing. I find it lovely that they all get on!

I would not be happy, if one of my Dsis decided to invite her MIL and SIL.
It is one of the few times that we all meet up together.
It isn't really up to OP either, there is another 10 people to consider.
Let him stay at his mother's for Christmas this year.

I don’t subscribe to the more the merrier, I think that hosting other people is stressful especially when it’s people you don’t know. I’ve been with DH over 20 years and our parents don’t really know each other and haven’t had a meal together, and they live 5 mins apart, not 6 hours. My mum would go into full host mode, my dad would be worried they were being judged. They’d probably spend more money on food and drink. The children would be shushed. I’d feel constantly on edge between trying to make sure that my mum and dad didn’t feel stressed or that I was taking the piss, and that the in laws were happy and comfortable.

For one year, yes, I could suck it up. But this would end up being every other year and I’d not be happy if one of my siblings signed my family up for this, especially as we also do alternate Christmases with my in laws, so we’d never have a family only Christmas again.

@OtterlyMad this is the fun of AIBU - I am on your side and am astounded by some people's thoughts on this - totally unrealistic.

As you say, you alternate so IT IS FAIR already!! Your in-laws are adults - it is up to them to change their Christmas if they want to. It's quite patronising in a way for people to assume they are sad all alone and helpless.

They are six hours away it's not like they can pop in. It would be a massive hassle.

The poll seems to have come out 50:50 so it won't help with your discussion with DH but I for one, get you.

It’s just an idea, if it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work but I was considering it more as OP saying ‘it’s my turn to host but due to lack of space why don’t we do this…’ so not every year, just when OP wants to take a turn hosting!

Not sure how old your poor mum is but regardless what you do with your MIL and SIL it’s high time your lazy family contributed much more at Christmas time (financially and in the kitchen).

Even if Uncle Sam buys the turkey to mums specifications and cooks it at his, Brenda and John wash and peel however many potatoes at home, auntie Maureen washes peels and chops however many carrots at home, Cousin Carole buys peels washes and chops however many parsnips, uncle Harry makes or buys such and such a dessert, Uncle Joe buys or makes however many Christmas crackers, nieces and nephews lay the table (if old enough) to your mums specifications etc etc etc and you all bring your own booze and soft drinks. Your mums contribution will be cleaning the house ready to host.

Like the majority on here I do think it would be nice to invite your MIL and SIL but imagine when they hear how many people are going and the thought of a six hour journey I honestly wouldn’t blame them for politely declining.

This.