It’s a Christmas one sorry! AIBU not inviting my in-laws to spend it with my family?

[OtterlyMad]

Apologies I know Christmas is still bloody ages away but our parents start asking for our Christmas plans as soon as we make it past Easter (!) so we’re under pressure to let them know. I’ll try to keep it brief.

DH has a very small family: his mum and sister (both single and live alone on the opposite side of the country to us) plus a handful of extended family they only see at weddings and funerals.

By comparison, my family is big. It’s normal to be 12+ people for Christmas dinner. My siblings and I have small houses so my mum hosts every year (she has a 4-bed semi so not a mansion by any means) and she never complains but I feel guilty and wish we could host to take the pressure off her. Sadly it’s just not feasible until we upsize which won’t happen for another couple of years yet.

For the first few years of our relationship, DH and I always celebrated Christmas apart, with our respective families. Since we got married we’ve alternated which side we spend it with. This year it’s my family’s turn. But DH always feels bad whenever we don’t see his mum and sister since it’s just the two of them. This year, he suggested that we invite them to spend Christmas with my lot (obviously we would have to ask my mum first but I know she would agree because that’s the sort of person she is). However, I think it’s unfair to place any extra burden on my mum. DH says “it’s only two more people” but that’s on top of a dozen already. Plus my family are used to it being a tight squeeze - some of us end up sitting on the floor, and it’s all elbows at the dinner table - but we muddle through and have a laugh. Frankly I can’t imagine my quiet, reserved in-laws enjoying the ruckus and I wouldn’t be able to relax because I’d be worried the whole time that they were judging my very forward, loud and (probably) drunk family members!

I told DH no and we argued about it. He has accused me of disliking his family (not true), of being selfish (because his mum and sister have to spend the day “on their own” though I’ve pointed out they’re not on their own if they’re together!!) and “gatekeeping my family” (whatever that means). Am I being unreasonable by refusing to invite them?? I just want to continue with the current arrangement where we alternate each year.

P.S. In case anyone is wondering why we can’t split it (e.g. Christmas Day with one side and Boxing Day with the other) DH’s mum and sister live a 6hr+ drive away so it has to be all or nothing really.

It’s quite normal for 2 families not to be joined in this way, somtimes because they don’t have much in common, or simply because they don’t live anywhere near eachother.

I got married 6 years ago and our parents have seen eachother once since then.

Oh god some of these comments! 🙄
OP I totally get you and can understand why you are hesitant to invite your MIL & SIL because let’s be honest….they come, your DH gets annoyed that you are “ignoring” his family (just because you spent Xmas day talking to your siblings or catching up with family you haven’t seen for a while), his family are silently sat watching the chaos and judging you and your family, there will be subtle comments after about how they didn’t know you drank so much (hinting that they think you now have a drink problem 🙄) and then after they have gone home they mention to your DH that they won’t want to do that again and hadn’t enjoyed themselves so when it finally gets to the point that you want to host in your own home and have both families there….they make it clear they would prefer a “quieter” xmas and you end up being guilted into a 6 hour drive with the kids 🙄

Dont do it! Tell DH if he wants you are happy to go back to spending Xmas apart but this is YOUR year with your family and that is what you will be doing. He is welcome to join or go home but as you are not hosting you will not be extending the invite as it is just RUDE!!
Also ask if he would be happy to invite your family to his mothers next year???? It’s ONLY an extra 12? Even if it was just your mum I think he would feel differently

good luck and stay firm :)

Hmph. DH and I are "on our own" and rarely get invited anywhere for Christmas by the wider family.

Sulk.

Nah, just kidding, we love it.

YANBU OP. Stick to your guns 🎄

Even though I do understand your DH being upset his Mum and Sister will be alone it’s not his place to ask to extend the invite to your Mums at Xmas. I would be annoyed at this, why don’t you ask him to contact your Mum himself about it and she how he feels?

Maybe then he might feel uncomfortable and that it is actually an imposition.

Cant see them wanting to travel 6 hours for Xmas dinner but then I don’t know them.

Hopefully you can work it out because something like this will be difficult to forget if his feelings are true about the “gatekeeping” etc.

This is one of those things where more the merrier types of people and reserved private people see things differently.

MIL and SIL might be perfectly happy spending Christmas together and OP's husband might be trying to solve a problem that doesn't exist. They might just want to see their son/brother not a dozen of his inlaws where they may have to sit on an office chair and elbow their way to getting the mashed potatoes that are made slightly differently than the way they like.

Similarly OP's mum might say fine if asked but not really know how to host a much quieter pair of people she doesn't know well who don't know the rules of the games that are played around the table and expect to win more prizes from the Christmas crackers.

I would not try and force an invitation as they may attend out of obligation and everyone may have a slightly awkward time every year after thinking they're making a sacrifice to make other people happy.

I'm in a similar position. I come from a big family and my husband has one brother who lives away. When his brother and partner were over for Christmas we would go to my families but for the last few years my brother in law has come to visit after Christmas so we've spent it with my in-laws. Of course I'd rather see my family as it's more fun but the in-laws are on their own and their Christmas would be a bit flat/depressing if they didn't have dinner with my husband, me and our 2 kids (& they are lovely people). I totally understand my DH not wanting to leave them out and when I'm old and grey hopefully my kids will include me in things.

I don’t know, it’s a tricky one. If it works out then surely that means every Christmas you can have with both sides of the family? If it doesn’t then you’ve tried.

Have you also spoken to your in laws do they mind being just the two of them? They may like a quiet Christmas over one with lots of people they don’t know?

You have been very nasty to the OP across this thread. It really is uncalled for.

Quite reasonably, the OP doesn't want to impose a pair of strangers on her accomodating mum who already runs herself ragged at the family Christmas. She doesn't want her rowdy, informal family celebrations - which she can only participate in every other year - to be altered by the inclusion of reserved and more formal in-laws.

She doesn't see why her DH should see his mum and sister every Christmas while she gets half that and even then has to have the dynamic changed.

She doesn't want to impose strangers as guests on the rest of her family.

Two people having Christmas together isn't sad and lonely, it's perfectly normal. IF, and that's conjecture, if the DH's mum.ans sister don't enjoy a small Christmas celebration they can easily change that without their daughter in law's mother being the answer.

That’s you. OP is quite rightly advocating for her mother

OP I was single in the year after my mother died and my married brothers didn’t give a shiny shit that I was spending Christmas Day alone (I hosted my mum for Christmas 1:3). I was actually invited to join two sets of friends for the day but happily spent it alone, having booked a solo holiday to Antigua three days after Christmas

“Imagine trying to force a woman to do something she doesn't want to do and force her mother to host people she has not invited for no reason at all except that her husband is being demanding and unfair and doesn't want to stick to the agreement now that it's her turn”.

Yeah, says a lot.

I think you’re still fair enough to alternate , it’s not your mum’s fault the brother doesn’t come…

I’ve got the same answer as I always give. You do you. But you have to live with the consequences. Imagine yourself in the future, your kids are grown and you’re widowed. You see them alternate Chrismasses, because your daughter-in-law doesn’t want to invite you for her family year. Maybe you’d be fine with that, maybe not. But no-one asks you. If that sits ok with you, then you’ve got your answer.

Personally, I’d invite them. But no-one can make you be generous and thoughtful.

Why do you think it is generous and thoughtful to force extra guests on her mum that weren’t originally invited?

Also, there is no issue with 2 people spending xmas with eachother.

But what if the siblings also have partners with family members who will be alone/only two of them. Where do you draw the line?
OP says they have siblings - not sure how many but assuming 2 siblings, if they then bring their parents as well we then have 6 extra people joining in. Do they all then need to reciprocate in the future and then take a turn hosting?

Alternate years is the fairest thing. Surely the years OP doesn't see her mum there is also the potential that her mum is alone, as the siblings are also at in laws?

have you considered booking a restaurant instead - this helps your mum out and she can enjoy Christmas?

So dramatic, she's not on her own, she's with her daughter!
Also it is not thoughtful or generous to volunteer someone else's free labour.

And my poor mum has to run herself ragged… just doesn’t seem fair to me.

Why would two extra people mean your mum is running herself ragged? Just because she is hosting doesn't mean she needs to do all the work. Or do you mean you are happy for her to run herself ragged for her immediate family?

I can totally understand your husband being disappointed in you - unless your MIL and SIL are completely toxic people why not have them over to your parent's place for a few hours? Really mean not to.

Assume you all help out with Christmas Day meal etc? Generally I have spent Christmas Day with my late DH's family and everyone brings a dish, the men all cook the meat (bit sexist, I know!) and we set up a long table, if necessary going through a hall way or two rooms (we have those sorts of houses - people bring extra chairs and boards to make the table one level - the men set this up too, sexist as well). It's fun. We play games, we all get slightly tipsy (unless driving - non-alcoholic fizz, soft drinks and faux 'gin' etc provided). A memorable day. My late DH used to moan about going (liked to be at home) but I am so glad we attended for his last Christmas.

If your mum is willing, I see no reason not to invitel MiL and SiL over - and you can have a quiet Boxing Day together if that is what you all like.

I just can’t understand this point of view tbh.

I understand where op is coming from with her mother. My mum never wants any help in the kitcen on xmas day, despite me offering. But she would absolutely feel extra pressure with extra guests, who she also doesn’t know very well. She would feel more pressure to impress.

Also I really fail to understand anyone on this thread who is angry with op for not extending an invitation that is not hers. She is not the host. Surely op’s mum knows the situation and she would have invited them if she had wanted to.

I have a huge extended family with many step siblings and cousins. Even though my step mother is extremely house proud and an excellent host/cook -I usually offer to bring some extras (salad, cake or side dish of som kind) to take the burden off her making everything. Some of my sils do the same and some do not.
Sorry if this has already been suggested. I know all families have different dynamic. But it does seem unnecessary for your mum to have all the burden, whether or not your mil and sil come too.

No you aren't being unreasonable at all. In laws is a different experience (I don't feel as comfortable and relaxed around my in-laws, it's more socially draining) and it's not how I want to spend my Xmas every year but would be happy to do it sometimes. I think you've been considerate by compromising and doing every other year. Your MIL isn't alone, she has her daughter.

Your husband is being selfish. This is your family's year. He agreed to alternate years and he was presumably happy to not include your family last year. He wants to spend every Christmas with his family while you have to alternate. No thanks!

Mil and sil will be fine sharing Christmas together. It doesn't sound like they'd enjoy your family Christmas anyway.

I understand how you feel and I think if you are alternating each year, and that’s what was agreed, then, that’s what it is. Alternatively, could you say to your husband: “great idea, we will invite them to my Mum’s Christmas” My family will all be delighted to join your Mum and sister at theirs next year!” Perhaps it is only 2 extra people but that can change the dynamic for everyone and why should your husband see his family every year and you every other. That doesn’t sound fair on you, to me!

I've only looked at the first page of comments but I'm gonna go against them, I don't think you're in the wrong at all.

I know there's only two of his relatives but alternating keeps it fair. It's not exactly fair for you to only see your family on alternating years while he gets to see his every Christmas without fail. If you asked for your family to be invited to his on his year, he'd rightly tell you to sod off.

I don't think the number of people attending is the only issue, either. Different families have different dynamics. Just bc you're married doesn't change that. Yes, his family are your family now but that doesn't mean every member of your side of the family will feel at ease around two people they don't really know and will only see once a year. They might feel judged or uncomfortable and it won't lessen with time bc they won't see DH's family enough to build up rapport.

I'm getting married next year and I'm a bit nervous about some of my relatives and some of DP's relatives mixing and what they may think of one another. We've alternated Christmas every year and will continue to do so. I think it's the fairest way.

YANBU.

Do the families not get a choice here? OP married her DH; her parents and siblings didn’t. I’m one of four kids, all married/shacked up, and my parents each have three siblings too – there’s enough family on both sides without them having to add 4x sets of families from their various children-in-laws. And my DH has two siblings, they’re married too. There is no meaningful way to join that many people.

In any case, OP is invited to her in-laws on alternate years and her DH is invited to her family on alternate years – how is that not joined enough?