It’s a Christmas one sorry! AIBU not inviting my in-laws to spend it with my family?

[OtterlyMad]

Apologies I know Christmas is still bloody ages away but our parents start asking for our Christmas plans as soon as we make it past Easter (!) so we’re under pressure to let them know. I’ll try to keep it brief.

DH has a very small family: his mum and sister (both single and live alone on the opposite side of the country to us) plus a handful of extended family they only see at weddings and funerals.

By comparison, my family is big. It’s normal to be 12+ people for Christmas dinner. My siblings and I have small houses so my mum hosts every year (she has a 4-bed semi so not a mansion by any means) and she never complains but I feel guilty and wish we could host to take the pressure off her. Sadly it’s just not feasible until we upsize which won’t happen for another couple of years yet.

For the first few years of our relationship, DH and I always celebrated Christmas apart, with our respective families. Since we got married we’ve alternated which side we spend it with. This year it’s my family’s turn. But DH always feels bad whenever we don’t see his mum and sister since it’s just the two of them. This year, he suggested that we invite them to spend Christmas with my lot (obviously we would have to ask my mum first but I know she would agree because that’s the sort of person she is). However, I think it’s unfair to place any extra burden on my mum. DH says “it’s only two more people” but that’s on top of a dozen already. Plus my family are used to it being a tight squeeze - some of us end up sitting on the floor, and it’s all elbows at the dinner table - but we muddle through and have a laugh. Frankly I can’t imagine my quiet, reserved in-laws enjoying the ruckus and I wouldn’t be able to relax because I’d be worried the whole time that they were judging my very forward, loud and (probably) drunk family members!

I told DH no and we argued about it. He has accused me of disliking his family (not true), of being selfish (because his mum and sister have to spend the day “on their own” though I’ve pointed out they’re not on their own if they’re together!!) and “gatekeeping my family” (whatever that means). Am I being unreasonable by refusing to invite them?? I just want to continue with the current arrangement where we alternate each year.

P.S. In case anyone is wondering why we can’t split it (e.g. Christmas Day with one side and Boxing Day with the other) DH’s mum and sister live a 6hr+ drive away so it has to be all or nothing really.

I voted YANBU however reading all your replies (not the full thread) you are pretty dogmatic about you not being unreasonable. I think it might be worth you telling your husband that you can see his point of view (and try to, he obviously feels the two are lonely) - you can see someone’s point of view whilst still holding your own.

Your Mums house isn’t an option as you aren’t the host and you’ve explained there is naff all room.

Personally I agree that it’s not fair if you are doing turns that your turn is taken away and changed however if it is going to change then one of you has to give a little on this otherwise your husband could well refuse to change. It sounds like you are concerned about things being equitable however if you both dig in there’s a huge issue so what would a compromise look like?

Your husband can go on his own or you can host the in-laws at yours and then pop to your Mums for drinks either before going back to yours for Christmas dinner or after having had dinner. Or you could dig in and wait to ‘win’ the argument and kick the issue further down the road and potentially breed resentment on both sides.

re your Mum doing all the work and wishing you could host - would it be possible for your siblings to pitch in and get a holiday let big enough for you all and then you all cook and your Mum gets to sit and be hosted?

You're absolutely in the right here, but some of them will argue that black is white and up is down because they personally want you to be forced to do what they personally want you to do.

Mumsnetters are often quite mental, unfortunately.

Good on you for not being a doormat and looking after your mum.

If it were me, I wouldn't be inviting them. It doesn't just affect you. There are other people at your family Christmas who I can't imagine would particularly welcome two random in laws. It would totally change the dynamic at my family Christmases if we had people who weren't proper family.

Also, do you know that they don’t like a quiet Christmas? Covid Christmas when we couldn't go visiting was one of our best. Maybe I'm a massive scrooge 😂

Yeah Im with your dh.. Had my inlaws with us previously at my dad's when they'd have been themselves.

I don't think I would like my in-laws sharing xmas dinner with my own family. However, your replies have been really snarky and you come across quite unkind and unpleasant.
You said you would love to spend Xmas day with your mum alone watching tv, suggest to your husband he spend the day with his family, maybe he would prefer this as well.

In an ideal world you’d be able to rent a large house between you all invite everyone and everyone does their bit/brings a food item. I think you need to speak with your DM first, your mil may not want to be crammed in having another families ways and traditions to deal with.

It’s not a big deal, the perfect Christmas doesn’t exist!

She can't invite them, it's her mother's house, so her mother would have to invite them.

And if her mother wanted to invite them she would have done so.

What happens at your house is irrelevant, OP has clearly explained why this won't work.

Imagine trying to force a woman to do something she doesn't want to do and force her mother to host people she has not invited for no reason at all except that her husband is being demanding and unfair and doesn't want to stick to the agreement now that it's her turn.

Where's your Christmas spirit?

That's right, no such thing as a perfect Christmas, so it's going to work out fine that OP gets to be with her family at Christmas, as agreed by her husband and without having to break their agreement. All sorted :)

Just alter the alternating. Your husband goes to his family and the next year you both go.

Tell your husband it's not his invite to dish out.

I said 'if your mum is happy to host them'

OP is looking for excuses to not invite them. It could work out quite easily, she just doesn't want it to.

The fair thing if you change current arrangements would be to expect DH family to invite all of your family on their turn. This may help your DH realise why you are feeling as you do.
I am a big fan of suggesting you establish your own traditions and don't always do any set pattern.
You could also add in a three yearly DH family invited to yours if you want to keep a set "fair" pattern.

Maybe I’m biased but I’ve been both the host and the SIL in this scenario and hate it both ways round 😆 I’m of course more than happy to have my sisters partner round, he’s part of the family and we love him, but on multiple occasions my sister has invited his parents too who are very formal, don’t know anything about us and change the whole dynamic of Christmas. No one feels like they can relax properly. Likewise, I’ve been the token invite because someone feels bad and will always turn it down in favour of staying on with a fancy dinner and a glass of vino without the pressure to perform.

Don’t these siblings ever go to their in-laws for Christmas? Or host their inlawsat their house? It sounds like everyone is a bit too wedded to OP’s mum doing all the work, and everyone needs to start varying things a bit?

Both my DH and I had small families - my mum and DB and his parents. His parents lived 200 miles away, my mum lived locally, DB would come home most years except if he was away travelling. DH’s parents would come to us every year and my mum and DB (if around) would join us. It worked ok, although I did yearn to have Christmas alone with DH occasionally! Our parents are no longer with us, and DB has his own family; we are relaxed about how Christmas happens, sometimes we host, sometimes they do, sometimes they (DB, his partner and son) will go abroad to DB’s in-laws, so we then get Christmas on our own and we love that too.

I feel OPs had a hard time here.

I would never feel it's my place to invite someone to someone else's house.

If mother said you are welcome to invite your in laws that's fair enough. I know OP said her mother would probably say yes but for most people that would probably be out of feeling obligated.

OPs sis may also feel maybe she should invite her in-laws too and then it's not just an additional two.

It's not as if it's a single person spending Christmas alone

Why? You can still have a great Christmas with just your own DC.

We do just that every year and it’s great.

Why don't you ask your mum what she thinks? She sounds kinder than you.

Nobody is suggesting everyone brings their in laws - presumably they're all happy with what they do.

Maybe you're right and your in laws wouldn't enjoy it. But at least they would know they had been invited and you could have your cake and eat it.

If your mum wanted them there she would have invited them but she hasn’t, it sounds like she’s got her hands full already

It’s one bloody day for Christ’s sake. I’m sure the MIL and SIL can find a way to celebrate it on their own. Nice meal out or maybe go away. I’m with the OP. I had a boyfriend who expected me to spend Christmas with his family every year because he was an only child. It wasn’t my mum’s fault that she decided to have several kids and his parents only wanted one. I was prepared to do every other year but not every year. And no, I didn’t want his family there with mine. They really didn’t know each other that well.

Omg some of the vile posts on here to OP are unbelievable - make me think that they come from people who would impose themselves on others.

The husbands mother and sister are not alone as they are 'together'. The husband sounds like an arse - op go back to you going to your family n him going to his. I totally get where your coming from with two different families and a mother who despite every attempt to help will be run ragged. To everybody saying it's just two more people, the OP already said they have a full house with some people sitting on the floor for fucks sake. Some of the posters on here are wild - if you're happy to invite others then great but no need to be so harsh on the OP.

Ahh this is a bit sad.. what if the Shipman's hadn't invited Stacey's mum and Uncle Bryn? Seriously though OP you sound as if you've your mind made up so I don't know why you asked for advice...

You’re not being unreasonable. My sibling always invites his in-laws to family occasions with our side, and I’m sick of having to spend each holiday with people I barely know. It totally changes the vibe, and instead of having relaxed conversations with my family, I have to spend a decent chunk of the time making awkward small talk.

Would they want to come? Will your Mum definitely say yes if room is tricky? You could ask and even if your Mum says yes your MIL may say “no, thank you” but appreciate the gesture.

I understand both of your perspectives. I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable. It’s tricky.

What about something else entirely? Your family for Christmas and your husband’s family (or a short trip away with them) for a few days after Christmas over or New Year? Extend the festivities!

I haven't voted on YABU/YANBU because I just don't know. I am 72, and for over 50 years have grappled with these family expectations, and risking upsetting/offending people. As our family has got smaller over the years (my mother was one of 9, but their descendants are now scattered worldwide/lost touch/died) we are now only in a 2-year cycle of us going to BIL/SIL or them coming to us, but honestly, I still feel pressured either way, and would love the freedom to either have the day alone, or go on holiday instead, and celebrate Christmas overlooking a golden beach, with no turkey, but several large cocktails. I don't know why people make such a hoo-hah about family at Christmas, especially when so few people nowadays in the UK acknowledge any of the religious connotations of the season. HOWEVER, having said all that, and coming from a family that used to sit over 20 down to Christmas dinner, and having catered for such myself, I honestly don't think 2 more would make much difference to your mum, it's more would your DH's family enjoy it? Oh, and if you don't already, all members of your family should be contributing, either by bringing along a ready-cooked dish (agreed and co-ordinated ahead of time with mum) or bringing something like Christmas crackers, after-dinner chocolates etc, etc. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Exactly this. How cruel of you. Why bother getting married if you aren't joining two families in any meaningful way? Anyway, if they don't like it they won't come again - problem solved.

Yes I agee and feel for your husband for not taking his feelings into consideration. It’s just one day and can you all just help out with everything between you all to make it less stressful for your mum.