It’s a Christmas one sorry! AIBU not inviting my in-laws to spend it with my family?

[OtterlyMad]

Apologies I know Christmas is still bloody ages away but our parents start asking for our Christmas plans as soon as we make it past Easter (!) so we’re under pressure to let them know. I’ll try to keep it brief.

DH has a very small family: his mum and sister (both single and live alone on the opposite side of the country to us) plus a handful of extended family they only see at weddings and funerals.

By comparison, my family is big. It’s normal to be 12+ people for Christmas dinner. My siblings and I have small houses so my mum hosts every year (she has a 4-bed semi so not a mansion by any means) and she never complains but I feel guilty and wish we could host to take the pressure off her. Sadly it’s just not feasible until we upsize which won’t happen for another couple of years yet.

For the first few years of our relationship, DH and I always celebrated Christmas apart, with our respective families. Since we got married we’ve alternated which side we spend it with. This year it’s my family’s turn. But DH always feels bad whenever we don’t see his mum and sister since it’s just the two of them. This year, he suggested that we invite them to spend Christmas with my lot (obviously we would have to ask my mum first but I know she would agree because that’s the sort of person she is). However, I think it’s unfair to place any extra burden on my mum. DH says “it’s only two more people” but that’s on top of a dozen already. Plus my family are used to it being a tight squeeze - some of us end up sitting on the floor, and it’s all elbows at the dinner table - but we muddle through and have a laugh. Frankly I can’t imagine my quiet, reserved in-laws enjoying the ruckus and I wouldn’t be able to relax because I’d be worried the whole time that they were judging my very forward, loud and (probably) drunk family members!

I told DH no and we argued about it. He has accused me of disliking his family (not true), of being selfish (because his mum and sister have to spend the day “on their own” though I’ve pointed out they’re not on their own if they’re together!!) and “gatekeeping my family” (whatever that means). Am I being unreasonable by refusing to invite them?? I just want to continue with the current arrangement where we alternate each year.

P.S. In case anyone is wondering why we can’t split it (e.g. Christmas Day with one side and Boxing Day with the other) DH’s mum and sister live a 6hr+ drive away so it has to be all or nothing really.

I will be sure to inform them of your concern once they exist and are old enough to understand!

Don’t do it.

Similar situation: PiL once hosted her kids and partners (so 8 adults) at a holiday house (Noones house is big enough). Was just big enough to begin with then DSiL invited her mother and stepdad. MiL was run ragged hosting (she refuses help; literally DP and I tag teamed with keeping her in one room while the other sorted drinks/chopped veg/tidied up, and sent out other sib to the shops. FiL helped a bit but is medically limited). DSiL and her mum just carried on their own convos leaving the stepdad awkwardly to himself. BiL did his usual selfish downing all the booze and holding court. It was truly awful for MiL who had the cost and none of the fun.

My DPs have seen PiL a few times (opposite ends of country) and never at Xmas. There’s no animosity but honestly the way they do Xmas is so different it just wouldn’t work / wouldn’t be worth the stress for anyone. DH and I enjoy both (and we also love doing Xmas as just us two - add that as a third rotation?!)

With the 6hr drive can you agree to see them in the new year (or even for new year?). Is there a specific reason your DH isn’t happy with the alternating this year?

Don't worry they'll figure it out themselves once they're old enough 😉

I can see why it might seem mean spirited not to include them, the alternate years thing is a bit of a red herring when one family set up is so different to the other.

One thing to consider, although your DH knows them best I guess, is that they may be horror struck at the idea of travelling and spending Christmas in a cramped environment with people they don’t even know well. I would be, in that situation even if Christmas was going to be quieter than I’d like, I would rather embrace it and have a relaxing day at home I think. It might be nice to present a no pressure offer though, if so maybe let DH do it when you aren’t present so they don’t feel awkward.

We also didn’t invite any children to our wedding so at least we’re consistent 😂

Alternatively since you don’t have kids, just let DH go to them.

it isn’t his invitation to extend.

That, FFS. How arrogant of him (and if a huge number of people on this thread).

It isn't his, or OP's place, to invite (or ask her mum to invite) his family. Where does it end? It says up an expectation every year, and then what's to stop OP's siblings partners asking for their families to come? Having strangers to the celebration doesn't just impact the host, it affects the whole of OP's extended family.

No-one has a right to invite others to their hosts' Christmas.

Honestly, that sounds like hell for everyone. How on earth can you fit 60 people into a 2-bedroom flat? They would all need to be in different rooms and how on earth could your grandmother cater for 60 people for Christmas dinner in a kitchen that I presume only had one oven?

If that is your idea of a great Christmas, you are obviously going to think that OP not wanting to burden her mum with catering for additional guests is being unreasonable.

I’d invite them but make it clear it was a noisy, rowdy, drunken Christmas.

If they come and enjoy it, brilliant.

If they come and don’t, well they knew what to expect and probably would refuse a second invitation in the future and you can relax in the knowledge you’ve been hospitable and feel no guilt.

At the end of the day you COULD easily invite them, but you don’t WANT to (for whatever reason) and you need to own that.

Your husband is completely unreasonable.

Why should your siblings, nephews and nieces or whoever makes up the 12 of you have to spend their Christmas with two total strangers? Especially strangers very much not in same style of celebrating? It's their Christmas too.

Why are two people having Christmas together 'alone'? They aren't alone, they are together.

They could invite friends if they wanted more people to celebrate with, I certainly have. Or they can have a lovely laid back Christmas without travel or socialising with strangers.

Your DH is being selfish and lazy. If he's not prepared to alternate Christmas as agreed, he can find a way to facilitate hosting himself, be that a squash and a squeeze at yours or renting somewhere and inviting both side to come.

Expecting everyone in your extended family to budge up is unreasonable.

OP said they will host both sides when they move to a bigger house in a few years time. So these future children will see that just because your parents get on it doesn't mean that the families they come from are the same. We often joke Dh must be adopted because he is very different than his family.

Like the OP Dh's side is 2 people, a parent and a sibling. My side is bigger, louder and it wouldn't work mixing the two sides. My ILs wouldn't want it either. We go from one loud, chaotic Christmas meal which we all love to a quiet, no decorations whatsoever you wouldn't even know it is Christmas house. Not even Christmas music playing. It is a stark contrast.

OP isn't hosting, her Mum is. Her Mum could invite them but never has. There is a reason for that. It would involve 6 hours of travelling for them too.

I don’t really understand why you have posted OP. Anyone who has disagreed with you has had a snarky comment in return and you don’t seem to have reflected on any of the responses genuinely. For what it’s worth, my view is that if it matters to your husband to have his mum and sister invited then I would ask your mum whether this is something she could manage or whether it is too much. Your husband is saying he would like them to be invited and that should matter - not whether you consider they are sufficiently alone or not. But I don’t think you want my view or anyone else’s - you are quite determined that you are right and everyone who disagrees with you is wrong so this is a bit of a waste of everyone’s time !

Maybe OP should re-consider her relationship with her husband who has no qualms about making OP's mum's Christmas Day more stressful with uninvited guests.

Maybe DH should reconsider his relationship with OP, who is completely heartless towards his mother and sister 😐

I’d do at least one Christmas just you and DP before kids OP make the most of the opportunity.

I don't get how people are saying it's mean. OPs mum is hosting for her family. What if the siblings also have in laws from small families who will only be a couple on Christmas day? What happens if the siblings hear OP is inviting their in-laws so their partners then feel annoyed that their parents never get invited? This could cause a whole family divide as OPs family could be seen as preferential to others and the poor mum stuck hosting a whole load of extras!

I think people need to get a grip and remember it is just one day. Alternate years is fine. Or perhaps have a Christmas day type event at new year with the family you don't see on Christmas day.

But that isn't what her mum wants!!!!

Her mum WANTS to host and do the running around. I would hate not to be in control of the meal, and to have people turning up with stuff that I haven't made. It's fine for other get togethers but not for my family Christmas. And I'd very much resent that happening because my son in law has insisted on bringing two people who I didn't expect to be coming.

I know you have said that she won't delegate any of the jobs, but she almost definitely will if you all tell her that none of you will go to hers for Christmas again...

I can't believe what I just read.

This op. You could invite them and they may well decline. Are you close enough that they would tell you honestly and not want to be polite for the invitation?

The messages here are really interesting, because I completely agree with you and am finding it hard to see things from the other perspective.

I think that it is really rude to invite extra guests for Christmas Day at a house where the host is already busy and stressed. Doubly so if you know they won’t gel well. Triply so if the host is the sort of person who doesn’t say no. You and your husband are adults, and I don’t think that you should attempt to control who your mum invites to her house, you wouldn’t like it if she invited people to yours.

Equally, DHs mum is an adult in charge of her own home. She could invite other guests (I know they don’t have family but lots of people spend Xmas with friends), choose to go away for Xmas, go to her daughters, have lunch at a fancy hotel etc. it’s not down to you and dh to manage her plans.

I think that the three options here are that you continue the existing system; that you return to the previous system or that you find a way to invite everyone to yours (coffee and presents at yours followed by restaurant lunch)?

Interestingly, I really strongly agree with your comment about fairness. And I’m wondering whether you’ve missed more Christmas days with your family than dh since you agreed the new system? Or whether there are issues with fairness in other areas of the relationship?

Normally I’d say more the merrier BUT(!) I’ve done this - regularly have 12+ and 3 extra family members needed to be invited as the kind thing to do….. they didn’t understand the ‘muck in & relax’ vibe and then caused a major row. I’d bent over backwards to accommodate them. I’d potentially consider it but they’d need to book into a b&b/hotel so they (& you) can get space if required!

OP has said that if her mum was asked, she would agree because that is the sort of person she is. Her mum is obviously a people pleaser and puts other people first and she wouldn't want to upset OP's DH by saying no. OP doesn't want to put added pressure on her mum and she is concerned that the free and easy, quite raucous and loud behaviour of her family is not what her MIL and SIL are used to as they are more reserved and sedate.

And as an aside I mentioned it on here when posting about something and everyone said “well, it’s nuts to have that many people over - you should have said no”!!

If your mum is happy to host them, then I would invite them. I can't imagine leaving two people out.

We always bring my widowed father-in-law to my family's christmas. Nobody minds. If they did, then we probably wouldn't go.

Where is your Christmas spirit?

I wouldn't take advice on 'being kind' from someone who uses an ableist term like 'moron' which is now considered to be really offensive.