Would you charge your parents rent in these circumstances?

[TheSummerof25]

Long story short for the past 8 years my parents have stored (both inside and out) a number of large items/vehicles at our house. One in particular (a huge caravan) blocks our view and I WFH, without it, i have a lovely open aspect and can watch my chickens and the wildlife on my front from my office window. With it, all I can see is the bloody caravan. They know we don’t like it, we’ve reluctantly tolerated it because they’re our parents.

They do help with childcare, but tbh it’s got to the point where they moan so much and have other priorities we don’t bother asking, for example over the summer I’ve just sent them to clubs where they should have been with parents because their apathy was so apparent - it was four days of the summer I’d asked for.

We look after their pets when they go away, we pay a sitter for ours as we know “how busy” my retired parents are. Whereas we just slot it in.

When I bought a house early in my career, I with much lower pay, they lent me £35k for the deposit. I paid it back within 4 years (moved in with now DH and sold my house) but they charged me “rent” proportionally to the value of the house before it sold. DH always thought this was mean. Both parents retired at 55 and have had several inheritances which have mostly funded the stuff dumped at our house - my point they’re comfortable and have reliable income streams.

Now we’re moving, into a house with an income stream to support retirement plans and they have assumed they can continue to store all their junk, but not only that, want an upgrade of dry storage for all items. Storage is used by the business and so there is a loss associated with letting them have that for free. I said they could get planning and build their own barn, but they don’t want the expense. DH has looked and storage for all their items is easily in the region of £350 per month if not more. He said they can store it but they have to pay - like they charged me rent. This move is a huge investment from us and is with a long term view.

I’m reluctant to charge them, but equally don’t think waterproof items which are now stored outside should be prioritised for items we actually need to store for the business. It will create a gap for us. Parents think we could just make it work. Although haven’t enquired how.

YABU - you can’t charge your parents storage
YANBU - they’ve had 8 years free and can put their hands in their pocket.

Wow, they deliberately ignored their DGC's first day at school? They really do see your relationship as purely transactional. I think that would be it for me – they're showing you that they will happily emotionally abuse your children to punish you for not toeing the line.

Has everything been moved off your premises now?

Have you sent them any messages either? I would continue as normal and message a first day at school photo or something just to not allow them to sulk or I'll feeling to drag on.

I would also just send them a picture, you know they’re sulking don’t pander to it, and shut down any caravan related conversations in the future. (Have you googled caravans for sale in your area yet?)

Yes I did - just got a “thumbs up”

Ooh they are in a tizzy aren’t they.

I don’t know if they are in a tizz or so wrapped up in their own world right now. I admit I am also wrapped up in my own world and so perhaps am also guilty of not making an effort to contact them. They’ve also made some unkind comments about my son and DH, minor in nature but a slow grind that builds. I think my Dad is feeling under pressure and hence these comments are his lack of tolerance right now. But still the comments about my son have upset me, together with the behaviour outlined in this thread, so I’m happy with some distance right now.

This whole exchange has made me look more critically at my other friendships and I’ve pulled back with another group of friends where I’ve realised I’m a convenience to them and I’ve put more effort in than them. I’m reassessing priorities!

What did your dad say about your son???

You're doing really well OP, you're continuing to act like an adult, ie, sending a picture, while they prefer to act like sulky children who can't get their own way.

Keep it up, they will either realise that their sulking doesn't get them anywhere any more, and come along and pretend like nothing's happened, or they will continue to shut you and your children out, which will eventually make you realise deep down what miserable people they are, and that you don't benefit at all by having them in your life.

If they do come along and act like nothing's happened, please DO NOT allow them to brush it under the carpet, as things will just continue to be an issue with them. (I went through this with my in-laws). Instead, say 'Mum, Dad, I think we need to sit down and discuss what has happened, in order to clear the air and ensure that we don't find ourselves in a similar situation in future'. Then tell them that you're an adult in your own right, and that in future, if you tell them no to something, then that is what you mean, and they must accept it with a good grace. If they feel they can't do this, then there's the door.

Stay strong! You've taken the hardest step, now just keep going with it.

I think as hard as it is, and as difficult as it is having to put up with this coldness from them, that you did the right thing as the situation was unsustainable.

They want you to reach out so they can flip you back. That's what ignoring your DC's starting school and the subsequent thumbs up is all about. it hurts because its bringing your DC into the "dispute"but they know that, that's why they are doing it. It is really really unkind and they are being really childish. They are hoping this will make you relent so they can return to the status Quo...so they are not sorry and they still don't get it. I don't think trying to keep in contact with them will work at the moment. They want to display their displeasure too much at the moment. Maybe it has to go through this phase to re set the situation.

Hopefully time will help and your little ones, DH and the move.. and let them sort themselves out for a bit.

So my eldest gets quite anxious and can be a bit challenging, he’s 6, he can be argumentative and has rigid in his views. I find the best way to manage these moments is to let most of what he says wash over my head. Hold boundaries where they’re needed but not get drawn into pointless exchanges for the sake of having the last word. My mum thinks he needs to hear “no” more and corrects him for the sake of correcting him. She won’t admit it but they’re similar. It’s not that he doesn’t hear “no” just that he pushes back against it. If you leave him to it he tends to unravel himself. I don’t find him difficult and he’s an angel at school etc but he is definitely more sensitive than others.

My Dad made a comment that he didn’t want to have him round with his “behaviour” right in front of my son, he’s made a few remarks like that. I think my parents are so stressed and uptight they’re snappy and my DS is feeding off that hence he’s worse with them right now. I’ve created some distance anyway.

My dad has also made a few remarks about DH, like criticising what he’s wearing (as he’s doing DIY so in scruffs anyway) his hair, his choices. Again just pointless little, uncalled for digs that should be thoughts and not spoken.

OMG! I can't believe that grandparents can be so nasty about their own grandchildren. I must admit that if my parents had ever spoken like that about one of mine, there would have been one hell of a row, and might have ended with me going no contact, if they maintained that sort of stance.

I know it's horrible to hear your parents being criticised by complete strangers OP, but yours are not nice people, I really feel for you.

As for criticising and nit picking about your husband, I'm afraid I wouldn't put up with that either, I would call them out on it EVERY SINGLE TIME!

I really do think that putting not only the distance of where you live, but also some distance in your relationship with them, can only be a good thing with things as they stand at present.

Finally, I know all of this, together with the house move, must have hit you pretty hard OP, so do take care of yourself, and try and find some 'me time' to pamper yourself and relax when you can.

@Givenupshopping thank you for taking the time to post 😊

Im so sad for you op that you have allowed this to go on for so long. Have everything towed back to them, and tell them absolutely not a chance can you store their things again, and mean it. You are being used as a dumping ground. Terrible behaviour on their part.

Mine would would merrily spend anything they got in inheritances on their holidays, hobbies etc etc but would be really penny pinching towards their family and grudging about any help - I ended up just stopping asking them to do anything with my kids because it was more trouble than it was worth.

I just got on with it, but then realised that as I got older and earned more they seemed to see this as an opportunity to enjoy my assets. Like what's theirs was theirs and they didn't want to share it, but it was ok to "forget" to pay me back for things or not offer to help out when I was incurring costs to see or help them. And just expected more and more too.

And yes, we had lots of nasty, snidey comments too, both when I was there and behind my back.

I did try and back off for a while and it became clear that any relationship we had was going to be on the lines of what it had been in the past, my mum did not want to change her behaviour at all, and refuses to believe any of it was damaging.

I hope you manage to work something out with them but once you've seen all of it it's very difficult to unsee, particularly if they won't accept they've done anything wrong.

@BurBurBarBar I can see a lot of parallels in your post with my parents.

Shoot them down in flames every time they open their stupid mouths @TheSummerof25
I know that's easy for me to say when they are not my parents! It feels to me as if we have a kind of internal prohibition which makes it very hard to do things like that😱
My mother was a tyrant who recently departed this earth, what a blessed relief that was 🥳

@Mrsbloggz i didn’t because they made that comment in front of my DS who I wasn’t sure if he’d heard it and I didn’t want to draw attention to it if he hadn’t. Instead I’ve just made space between him and them by not getting in touch or visiting etc.

So not content with trying to make you bend to their will, they are now doing the same to your son. Be the perfect daughter or else, be the perfect grandchild or else. I'm so glad you've got some distance from them now. Stress isn't an excuse for being emotionally abusive.

So they don’t play with your kids when they visit, don’t engage them, make empty promises that they break without qualms, and then they tell your son they don’t want to be around him because of HIS behaviour?!?!?

You don’t need to make excuses for them of how they’re stressed and tired. You hold yourself to a far higher standard than you hold your parents, and they’ve had even longer on this planet to learn to control their behaviour!

Distance is good.
Loyalty to your husband and children is so important.
I believe the only person who gets to comment about mine is ME.

No one else.
Take that space, and lean into the emotions.
When we realise we have accepted poor treatment in one relationship, we often then recognise a pattern in other relationships, as you are.

A reset all around, seems over due.
It is hugely damaging for children to hear themselves being spoken badly about, so watch that carefully.

My friends mother took to doing it, to score points with her, when she was under huge pressure with a new job and couldn't visit as often.

One day she put the kids in the car quickly and ran back into tell her mother and father that she was taking a complete break from them as her pops at the children were completely unacceptable.

She didn't visit her parents for 3 months and actually enjoyed the break.

It was a good reset for her and put manners on her mother which was long overdue.

Space is good in these situations IMO.

That was so unkind to your poor DC. We had similar experience with critical relatives and had to be vigilant to avoid DC being affected by their nonsense. I found It's such useless behaviour and very frustrating. But it was their loss, if they can only see life through a critical lense.

I agree with @Radiatorsa space is good in these situations.

OP, I'd be really wary if there's some sort of health crisis in the near future! It will be a way of getting you back into line.

Best to get ahead of things and make it clear that your health issues/responsibilities /commitments/lack of money etc leave you with no spend time or spare capacity at all

Completely agree. Health is notoriously used by abusive people to control.

35 Years ago my friend went to Australia with a bunch of mutual friends having taken a leave of absence from work.

Her very controlling parents were unimpressed and ruined her year there, with endless health complaints and guilting her.

She finally came home when others remained for another year, as she too could have done.

She was back a couple of months when she overheard her mother being scolded by her Aunts, for her endless exaggerating her health woes and ruining Australia for her.

Her mother was unapologetic and said she had no business leaving her parents and she wanted to ensure she never settled over there.

We weren't the least bit surprised when she told us as our friends in Australia had repeatedly mentioned it in letters.

It was the push she needed to apply for a teaching post in the city and she never let on until it was all signed and her start date agreed.

Her parents were again devastated but this time it was water off a ducks back.

She settled there and married, to their profound disappointment.
She visited them of course but she was never taken advantage of again by them.

They never knew what "turned" her. They were very selfish people.