To pick my daughter up from holiday camp 150 odd miles away

[ShatnerssBasoon]

Please be kind as first time posting properly and first time any of my children have been away without family. DD is 12 and has gone away to children's summer camp for 7 days. Went on Sunday... there's no mobile phones but she's called on camp computer at allocated time to say she is having a bad time and wants to come home. She was in tears and says other girls are not being nice and there's not much to do. She's in a communal tent with other girls but not hanging out with her. She has one local friend who's there but it's snubbing her now they are there. It breaks my heart a bit to have her crying and wanting to come home. I want to go and get her... DH says it's nuts and she'll be fine. What should I do? I work in MH and he says my judgement is clouds by this

The daughter was 12 when OP started this thread at 07:49.

I'm constantly amazed how so many people can't take in the simplest details!

Volunteers are expected to be competent and professional. And I would hope that they're trained, vetted and certified as up to it.

So I think you speak to a volunteer exactly as you'd speak to a paid professional.

What would you prefer her to have said?

"Look - I know you're a volunteer and therefore probably useless, but my kid is unhappy because he's being bullied. I mean, I don't expect you to do anything about it - what with being a volunteer and everything - but can you put me through to someone who knows what they're doing - there's a love."

Is that a better way to speak to a volunteer? If, indeed,. the person in question was a volunteer at all.

I'd like to see the opinions of volunteers and teachers who've been on residential trips and have many years of dealing with unhappy children.

To be clear, I am differentiating between homesickness and bullying etc.

This is reminding me of a trip my DS did at the end of Year 8 - on day 3 he sent me a message saying 'remind me to murder you when I get back for suggesting this'. Soon after, he went quiet - because he was having a good time... he now reckons younger brother should go and would enjoy it as well.
I think it's incredibly hard to know when someone needs rescuing, and when they need encouraging to stick at things. The balance was always towards sticking it out, and that definitely is NOT always the right thing to do. But jumping in to rescue has other risks.

Sounds like you're doing all the weighing up and thinking - I hope you come to a decision that feels right to you all.

I was that girl once, my Dad came and got me and I've never forgotten it.

That's what I thought. This poster has form for getting the wrong end of the stick though.

I did go on a few year 6 residentials when I was a school welfare officer.

Like I said upthread, school residentials are totally different.

The children are with teachers they know and trust, the teachers know them. They are with the same group of friends they are with day in, day out. They all knew me as I was the “school nurse” to them. They Would come to me in school if they were upset, school trips no different. You always had some who were homesick in the evenings, but we would sit and chat, they would talk about their worries as they knew me well, I would often make them laugh and they would be okay and happy in the end. Their friends would jolly them along. Lost parents wrote letters for children to take, which was always such a comfort to them.

We made it clear to parents that if a child was very upset, we would call them. I never had to through, they were always okay after a few mins, and it was usually as they were tired or hungry. I always had a stash of sweets to cheer them up, share with their mates.

As for bullying, well, they were in their class groups. The school I worked at was good with those situations, we didn’t have any real issues. Children were grouped into their frienship
groups, we knew them so we knew what worked.

The children who really would have struggled didn’t go. They would stay at school for the week and go on little day trips and have activity days instead - the parents always made the right call with that, there were some who would really have struggled with 5 days away from home, and that’s okay!

my children have always gone on school trips, but not camps, although the two older ones did DofE, (although one dropped out after own trip as he though it was pointless and boring, which was fair enough).

People on this thread are acting like there are only 2 options - immediately go and rescue poor child from having a boring time or abandoning them to the wilderness for a week and ignoring any communication.

Neither of the above options are good. one leads to a becoming a person who cannot handle any adversity, boredom or problem and needs mummy or daddy to swoop in and save the day every time. The other leads to people who feel invisible and unloved.

Each child and each situation is different but I think the best thing here is to make the child feel heard, help them process the situation and come up with ways they can deal with the situation and be less bored/left out. Making sure the adults are aware (often the kids are actually having a great time but when they speak to parents the homesickness kicks in and they can only verbalise the bad things not the fun stuff they have done). I do think it is important for a kid to know that you have thier back and in come cases where the situation is unsafe then yes go and get them but less than 24 hours into a camp where they are a bit bored is not unsafe.
Kid nowadays are so cononected with devices and phones that is does take 2-3 days of 'withdrawal' for them to realise there is other ways to have fun than scrolling online or playing a game.

Because it’s her first time away from home I would just go and get her. If she’d been away before I’d maybe expect a bit more resilience and say “if you’re not having fun by (day) I’ll come and get you”. Poor girl. Hope she’s okay.

Aww poor girl, only you as her parent know if going to get is right. It’s a hard one.

My autistic son went on a school residential in Y6. The day he left he screamed the school down. The only reason I didn’t take him home was that my sister was a HLTA also on the residential.

In the end he had a great time and was well supported by good classmates. In fact one of his classmates who supported him now works as a 1-1 TA supporting autistic children in the classroom. He said to me he remember my son well and was always able to help him get calm so k ew he’d be able to support other autistic children (digressing a bit)).

I think your plan of speaking to her again today and then deciding is a great idea. Things might have changed or they might not .

I would try and speak to her and see if she would try it for another night but promise that you will pick her up tomorrow if she wants to come home.

I have a dd that found this type if thing really difficult. Making her stay when unhappy did not build her resilience it just meant that she didn’t go anywhere again as she didn’t trust that she could come home if needed.

Our last scout camp, 2 parents refused to pick up their child when asked.

If my child was having a miserable time, I would call the adults and have a chat. Then call the nedt day again and speak to a leader and the child. And then go pick them up. A child being forced to stay against their will is terrible. But I wouldn't pick them up immediately either. I've been a scout leader for a long time and usually the kids feeling home sick or miserable get over it the next day. But those who are still not ok the next day, then we ask parents to pick them up. However, we know the kids so we usually know how to encourage them and when it isn't worth it.

I'd get her, she'll learn that she has a parent who will help her leave uncomfortable and unhappy situations, what will she learn by staying? Yes she'll endure, but at 12 why should she have to endure being snubbed and ostracised? Having the power to remove herself is what she needs and she has that only via her parents picking her up. No brainer.

He wasn't a volunteer he was a paid member of staff, and he lost his job about six months later after many many complaints.

This is a really valid point, it will show her you'll always come and get her without justification if she ever feels uncomfortable, distressed or unsafe.

As she gets older she may not always be able to articulate why she feels she needs to come home, something might just feel off, or she be scared of getting herself or others into trouble.

If you go and get her now, you build trust that you'll get her unquestionably and without complexity.

Guides do loads. Even the youngest do loads of activities. In a recent trip away with 5-7 year old guides in a 2 days/1 night trip we did

• bungee trampolines.
• inflatable assault course
• climbing and abseiling
• craft activities x 3
• campfire building
• toasting marshmallows and singalong
• drama class
• dance class

-judo class

• tie dye t shirts
• games
• circus skills
• going into underground tunnels

And when on our return the parents asked the girls what they did, the reply was 'not much' 😂 Children are often not the most reliable at telling parents what that have done.

OP I would go visit her so you can make a reliable assessment of the situation and then decide. What kind of camp is it?

Our school don't ket the children contact home at all. If there's an issue, a teacher will call.

Completely agree

Op I think you’re taking the right approach. The thing is, there isn’t a one size fits all solution. What’s right for one kid isn’t necessarily right for another. Situations are different too, so posters’ experiences and reactions will vary wildly.

You know your child better than anyone. If this was my dc1 I would collect her because she is already very resilient and independent, and she wouldn’t ask to be removed unless there were compelling and insurmountable reasons.

Dc2, however, is the opposite. He is prone to giving up easily and sometimes needs gentle encouragement to get stuck in. He is also something of a drama queen, and will exaggerate in order to get what he wants. So, with him I would need to make sure he felt listened to, unpick what the actual situation was, and would inevitably talk him into giving it more time.

Yep I would absolutely go and get her. This is her school holidays and I would feel
so upset that she is camping miles away from home and feeling lonely and miserable. There’s no need for her to have to hang on and try and learn something from this experience. She’s a kid, she’s unhappy and wants to home to her family. An adult would have driven away from this experience themselves, she doesn’t have this option. I’d be going to get her today.

I'd get either of my boys immediately. Camps should be fun. If they're not only not having fun, but also being picked on, they'd be coming home.

I think it is important that you obviously acknowledge your daughters distress and ask what she wants to happen to make things better.

as a teen (and younger) I went on various exchange programmes and always felt homesick right at the beginning, I knew if I called and said to my parents to collect me they would. Now this was all I needed to give me the comfort to know I could come home if things got too much and I never took them up on it.

when I was slightly older I went to Australia and the first two days were bloody awful with the jet lag and stuff, I called my mum who said get on the next flight home - it was all I needed to give my head a wobble and went on to have a super time.

there was only one trip that I didn’t go on because they couldn’t come if I needed it. Probably the biggest regret of my life not going in hindsight but having that comfort that I could call my parents and they would come was always important.

so you really need to balance it. Tell her you can go get her Thursday if she is having a terrible time, this gives a timeframe and hopefully things will improve. But if she wants you to go you must because that trust is so important.

We had same on a girl guides camp. A child had a vomiting so we called then to collect, after several attempts we got hold of the mum who said they couldn't collect as their car 'had broken down' We insisted and asked them to get a taxi. They turned up 2 hours later in their brand new personal number plated car and gave us an earful about making a 'fuss about nothing'. Later we heard their child had been admitted to hospital with meningitis

Hi @ShatnerssBasoon. My son (8) just came home from his PGL holiday saying he was bullied by the 11 year olds in his room and group- he stuck it out to the end at his own choice as he was enjoying the activities so much and because he had made a friend. He said he'd reported the bullying to the group leader but nothing was done about it so he just ignored the bullying. I felt so sad for him and guilty that maybe I sent him a bit young (I guess groups of 8-11 year olds is quite a range in reality) but I'm also insanely proud of his maturity with the situation. I think having made that one friend probably made all the difference. I think I'd definitely try and work with the camp leaders in your situation to see if there are any other girls being left out they could pair up with your daughter- if they are good they can do this in non-obvious ways, like asking them both to take on a responsibility together for the evening. The give it another day and then I'll come if nothing changes seems sensible.

Go get her!