To pick my daughter up from holiday camp 150 odd miles away

[ShatnerssBasoon]

Please be kind as first time posting properly and first time any of my children have been away without family. DD is 12 and has gone away to children's summer camp for 7 days. Went on Sunday... there's no mobile phones but she's called on camp computer at allocated time to say she is having a bad time and wants to come home. She was in tears and says other girls are not being nice and there's not much to do. She's in a communal tent with other girls but not hanging out with her. She has one local friend who's there but it's snubbing her now they are there. It breaks my heart a bit to have her crying and wanting to come home. I want to go and get her... DH says it's nuts and she'll be fine. What should I do? I work in MH and he says my judgement is clouds by this

Good advice. It's not necessarily a good thing to run and rescue a child (or anyone) from challenging situations. You can end up with the kind of young adult children who won't leave the house or daren't go to college. Back in the last century many of us here learned to be resilient and resourceful because we couldn't phone home and cry and expect mum to drive through the night to save us. Talk to the people in charge, OP: tell them what your daughter has told you. Give them a chance to sort it out and encourage her to learn from this.

Thanks for the update op. I think your doing the right thing waiting another day.
Please keep us posted x

This sound very sensible

I wouldn't rush to collect her. She might have just had an argument with other girls and have made it up and be fine by the time you get there.

Of course it’s hard to hear her being unhappy, but unless she’s really miserable
the whole time it might not be a good lesson for her to learn, that you would immediately rush to rescue her if she has any difficulties. If possible, it would be better for her to sort things out for herself, though of course that doesn’t apply if she really is desperately unhappy.

Talk to the adults in charge and see what they say.

Or how about it's a typo and 'its' should be 'is'.
Chill out.

And sometimes, it goes the other way. All children are different.

I’ve picked up both my adult children a couple of times from similar things when they were young, it built massive confidence (too much, they buggered off across the world young and I miss them!).

I was made to be strong and tough. So much so, that I would never have asked my parents for rescue as I would have been told how weak I was and that I had to tough it out.

I spent many years alone, afraid to leave the house, even as an adult.

You have to go on your own child and not give into all the life lessons and building strength bollocks. Sometimes, strength comes from being able to say “I want this to stop.”

Many people will say - as your husband does - that it'll all be fine and you shouldn't overreact and it's all part of growing up, and all that.

Certainly, it won't kill her. She'll just be miserable and homesick, and probably put off that sort of thing for life. And if your husband thinks it's okay for her to be miserable and homesick, then he'll sleep fine.

But that experience is not life-changing or character-building. It's just horrible. And if you can get her out of it, you should.

I hated the one I went to at about that age. I learned nothing. I didn't 'grow' or 'get used to it'. I just wanted to come home.

My dad picked me up.

You'll be pleased to hear I've since led a happy, successful and entirely socialised life, and I haven't been anywhere near a camp of that sort, and I've never felt that I've missed out.

Go and get her. What would you prove by not doing so?

There's a big difference between a situation where someone feels unsafe and genuinely needs rescuing and one where they are just a bit unhappy.

I imagine most parents would be out of the house at the drop of a hat if they thought their child, of any age, was potentially in danger. For feeling a bit miserable I think it could be more useful to initially talk it through, give them some reassurance and advice and also have a word with the camp leaders.

Yes,she's only 12,go and get her.

She's 12 not 7.
I would tell her to stay a few more days and then we would revaluate.

I would speak to teachers to see if there was any issues and then make a decision based on what they say.

I would not go at first sign of any issue (unless it was serious or medical of course)
She is in a safe environment where she maybe feeling emotionally challenged for the first time and these are new and big feelings. Learning how this feels and that you can cope is how resilience is developed.

Im not cold hearted, if the situation was dire I would be over there straight away but I wouldn't leap just because they are unhappy.
You cant be in a state of happiness all the time.

Bullying is traumatic and can lead to lifelong mental health problems like PTSD (sorry, just realised you work in mental health so you already know this!) I've had to spend so much money on therapy over my life to recover from abuse and bullying both in my family of origin and at school.

If it was me i would already be on my way. Though my 12 year old has autism so its a regular occurence I have to collect him early. My other DS would also be collected but would have a chat in person 1st to make sure he definately couldnt stay.

I'd absolutely pick her up. I'd do the same for a residential as well, other than asking them to wait until morning if it was late at night (assuming they weren't in danger).

Yes, kids need to learn resilience. But I also want my children not to grownup thinking they have to stay in situations where they feel uncomfortable, unhappy or unsafe, especially when tbeyre supposed to be having fun. Im 40, and earlier this year was on a trip where I felt miserable and uncomfortable. I didn't 'need' to be there, and put myself through many hours of feeling uncomfortable and wishing I was anywhere but there before saying 'fuck it' and leaving. Someone else on the trip feeling the same held out to the end and it has destroyed her confidence.

Nope. For a camp that is supposed to be something fun, if someone isn't enjoying it, id be picking them up at the first opportunity. Plenty of other times to learn 'resilience'.

I've got four children, and they're all confident, independent and where it matters, 'resilient' kids.

Good plan. I don’t think you need to be especially gentle with the organisers - you’re paying them for a service so they need to provide it.

Along with just getting on with challenging situation, it’s important to learn that once something is paid for it needs to be seen through, you’re not spaffing money away because she changes her mind.

DD is older but in the run up to an overseas school trip she fell out with one of the other girls and really didn’t want to go. Too bad, because we’ve paid for it (and had also paid to go away ourselves at the same time). By the time the trip came around they’d made up and she had a great time. But I’m not wasting the £400 the trip cost, plus the cost of our holiday, because she’s fallen out with someone.

Go and get her

I can see why most school trips (I know this isn't one) don't allow contact home at all.
I would speak to group leaders and support her that way. I wouldn't collect unless pre-existing reasons or she describes something worse than she has.

Go and get her. It's supposed to be fun. If it isn't fun, what's the point?

If she wants to come home, go and get her. I was this kid once.

I went on guide camp and a lot of the girls had little cliques, and one of them was the leaders daughter, so she had a superiority complex and wasn’t very nice. Of course, I was in her tent and whenever she was around she had to be centre of everything.

I wasn’t used to being away from home or away from my mum, and I also came out in chicken pox!!

I HATED it and would ring my mum crying from the phone box. As soon as I knew she was coming for me I felt so much lighter and happier and enjoyed the last activity I did before going home.

The vile leader actually said to me “if you want to go home you should really just go now, not pick and choose to stay for the last activity” 😲😲

My mum was furious! I was only a little kid so I didn’t really understand, but my mum had PAID for me to attend the camp, so I was perfectly entitled to stay and do the activity then leave that evening.

Just a rotten, horrible guide group.

IMO you're doing exactly the right thing OP. Taking a measured response to the situation and trying hard, through the emotional flurry, to see the bigger picture.

Showing your love and responsibility for DD by hearing her distress, finding ways to help her deal with it, enlisting the help of the adults around her - and if all that fails, having a plan B to helicopter her out of there.

Please be reassured you've done the right thing by DD. She's lucky to have such a caring, sensible mum (even if she won't realise it for many years!)

I'd give it at least another day, she's pretty much just got there. And I'd contact the adults to see if they can help first.

I agree with PP's and would go and get her. 12 is too young to be making her endure emotional harship and your DH is emotionally dim.

Apparently being miserable is CharacterBuilding.

I never understand why being happy isn't considered character building.

I suppose it depends what sort of character you want built. If it's a resentful, unconfident, cautious, repressed character, then - yeah - loneliness and misery are probably the bricks and mortar you want for that.

It doesn’t just work like this. People need different time and situations to grow depending on so many factors. In my case my mum did me a bit of a disservice by always being there for me, not leaving me with other people or babysitters, so it was too much for me to suddenly go away on a weeks camp. I managed a few days but I had no good friendship circle there, I was ill which made me weak and miserable and I just needed to go home.

I still feel a reaction inside me when I think back on it, that’s how bad it was. Leaving me the extra night or two wouldn’t have done a single positive thing for me whatsoever. Throwing in at the deep end is not always the solution.

I’m now a perfectly normal adult, who has travelled extensively, flew halfway round the world on my own in my very early 20’s, lived on my own for work at the other end of the country etc.

Don’t make kids suffer just because you have some whacked out idea about “growth”. They won’t necessarily thank you for it, let them learn at their own pace and know their parents are there to support them.

If she is being snubbed or bullied and thus isolated then please go get her. This can be very traumatising for a child and the advice of "she will be fine" is what causes children to disconect and adopt all sorts of strategies that then in adulthood are very life constricting. She needs to feel she is loved and her needs matter. If she is unreasonable then you can explore with her but not by leaving her there so she feels abandoned. Kids can be very mean and that can leave scars for a lifetime. Trust your mom's instincts

I don’t get it either.

I recently had a job I immediately disliked and regretted taking. Did I stick it out, put up with the rough stuff to build resilience? Did I fuck. I started applying for other jobs immediately and left after 6 weeks.

I wasn’t putting up with being miserable for anything. It’s not character building, or a show of strength, it’s a waste of an already short life. There’s no medals for sticking out things that make you unhappy and there’s nothing wrong with giving children the confidence to think that.

Crikey what a way to speak to a volunteer. I bet the leader was very happy to see the back of you both