How do I forgive myself and put this behind me?

[bendmeoverbackwards]

2 years ago, my 16 year autistic daughter narrowly missed the entry requirements for her (academic grammar) school sixth form and they denied her entry. She’d been floating on 50% attendance so I imagine they were relieved to get rid of her.

We already had an alternative - a very nice state comprehensive that dd and I had visited on an open day and got a good feel. They did the subjects she wanted and was lucky to get a place as an external. It was a back up as I was hoping she’d be able to stay where she was.

The downside to this other school was the journey - prob twice the distance than her current school. And not an easy journey by public transport - a good 12-15 min walk to the tube then she’d have to change lines, another tube and get a bus home from the station. I sort of thought I could take her in the morning and maybe collect her some days. I thought it’s only 18 months, we could have made it work.

GCSE results day came, dd didn’t get the grades and I started to worry about the journey. Then I remembered a small private school close to where we live. Dd seemed keen, they had places and we went to visit just before term started. They didn’t offer one of her subjects but lots of choice of others. A short bus ride from home or 10 mins by car.

Dd did one day at the private school, then said she hated it and wasn’t going back. I can’t remember the exact timing but when I contacted the comprehensive they said they no longer had a place.

In hindsight I should have encouraged dd to try the comprehensive first and tried the journey as the private school was unlikely to be full after a few weeks.

I contacted lots of other schools around this time, one other local school had places but dd didn’t want to go there; at another private school I got her in for an interview at October half term but when they saw how anxious she was, they didn’t offer her a place.

Shes been out of education for 2 years and is now 18. I’ve suggested alternative courses eg a BTEC, an animal course I found, foundation year at uni….she’s refused all of these and said she MUST do A levels.

Every so often, I get the ‘what if’ about the back up comprehensive. She might have liked it and we’d manage the journey somehow and we wouldn’t be in this position ☹️

Why didn’t you try the back up the year after?

What has she been doing for 2 years?

Nothing for 2 years.

Last year she had a place at a small private college. Very relaxed feel and kids who hadn’t settled in mainstream. She didn’t manage to start, too anxious.

Kindly, don’t let the details of the past drive your today.

Your daughter needs you right now to help her turn this situation around in the present.

If she was at 50% attendance pre-A-levels, and hasn’t been in education for two years since, maybe it’s a sign that school isn’t the answer. Many people have trouble at school, but go on to really find themselves in apprenticeships or work.

Don’t beat yourself up about theoretical car journeys two years ago - use that energy to help your daughter regain positive momentum in her life.

Can she get a part time job and do A levels at home ?

There are a lot of “what ifs” in life OP and I am confident if you look back at your own life you can think of many. The truth is that we won’t get every decision right in life, but we cannot spend our time on earth beating ourselves up about it, what’s done is done. Do you love your daughter and wanted the best for her? Does your daughter agree you do? If yes - accept what happened and try your best to let it go. Definitely don’t listen to anyone who questions decisions you’ve made in the past, no one is perfect and I am sure all will be well. Trust me.
My mum did not get everything right with me but I would still give anything to see her again. I wasn’t the perfect daughter but she loved me anyway. We just have to focus on what really, truly matters and that’s love, not regrets.

I have suggested so many things and done a lot of research for her. I found a really good online school but she refused saying it was ‘weird’. I honestly thought the private college would have suited her but she just couldn’t manage it.

How important is the journey when choosing a school? The local private school seemed like a much better option.

I haven’t shared any of this with my dd btw, I’ve appeared upbeat and positive.

There’s no guarantee dd would have liked the comprehensive and may well have got fed up with the journey but we’ll never know now and I wish we’d given it a try.

What is the reason for her insisting on A levels? What would she like to do, eventually? Are A levels the only route? It sounds like her anxiety is the major blocker here - perhaps she needs some counselling or talking therapy to develop some better coping strategies before you revisit the next steps with her education. Would she consider some volunteering or a part time job for now?

Op you did what you thought was best with the information you had at the time. Should have, would have, gets you no satisfaction or progress, so leave those thoughts behind. I know it’s easier said than done.

It sounds like DD aspires to do A levels, but rejected an environment you thought was suitable. What’s the local authority doing around her placement pre-25, and would she go to college now if a place was available?

I see youre proposing alternatives like Btec. They’re v good options but I wonder if that’s fuelling dd perception that she’s ‘other than normal’, as there isn’t much awareness of these routes (this isn’t meant as a slight of those options; just a suggestion to dd rejection.)

At this point she likely needs to establish her own agency around these decisions, within the realm of what’s feasible ie you focus on where she attends (which might be online) and she looks at what she would then do there.

I’d be asking the council why they’re failing to secure her a placement given her presumably documented additional needs. If she is not enrolled again in Sept, I’d try and suggest DD considers an online a level or two alongside some work/volunteer experience or placement like PP suggest to mitigate isolation.

Sorry to ask, but why isn’t she working?

Might an apprenticeship suit her better?

With these levels of anxiety, I’m sure the result at the comp would have been the same as the other schools she tried.

The comprehensive would have made no difference to the outcome op, it’s highly likely dd would have been too anxious to attend any of the options.

The focus needs to be on reducing her extremely high levels of anxiety through talking therapy or with medication. What has she tried so far?

A friendly part time job, or a voluntary role would be a good place to start, it will hopefully increase her confidence, and offer opportunities to socialise and make friends.

Are you also having counselling op? You sound understandably very worried about dd’s future. It’s taking its toll - I can hear it in your posts. Remember to look after yourself too. 💐

She has had plenty of opportunities to do her A levels at multiple schools and she simply didn't persist with any of them. I am afraid my sympathy with her situation would be wearing very thin. This is not your fault. What about her getting a job? I say this as the mother of children on the spectrum.

Kindly op I am not sure why you can’t forgive yourself, this is not your fault. Your dd is autistic, and she is working out how to live her life comfortably. Yes it’s taking more time and her society levels are very high, but none of this is your fault. You are doing your best.

OP,what are her passions? I'm neurodivergent and I struggled in education. I think she'd be better off being in an environment she feels comfortable with.
She probably feels anxious because you have certain expectations of her and she knows that she's going to fall at the first what about hurdle.
Could you perhaps both volunteer at say a care home or animal sanctuary,a few hours a week? This might give her some confidence. You could taper off your visits when you feel she is more settled.

This.

I know you have tried to be upbeat and positive but perhaps now is the time to be more realistic with her? Assuming you have been down the medical route for the anxiety she now has to work on 'getting on with it' for want of a better phrase.

So far enrolling in college and then not going is kicking the can down the road for her, it gets you off her back for a few months then when it doesn't work out you start fluttering around like positive Polly and the cycle continues.

If it was my child I would allow one more crack at the A levels but it would be on the back of a lengthy conversation explaining this is it. If she doesn't go and manage full attendance that route is no longer open to her. I would also start slowly cutting out financial assistance for 'unnecessary' things, hair and beauty, fashionable clothing beyond the basics etc to try and give her some motivation to find work, it's amazing what we can overcome when we want some money for new jeans (anxious me age 18! Motivated to work for makeup and clothes! ).

The past is the past and you have tried everything you can think of so I don't think you need to forgive yourself, you haven't done anything wrong! If anything it sounds like you have gone above and beyond.

So she won’t attend school in person; won’t attend school online and must have A-levels .

Autism or not, I think she needs to start being part of the solution here.
What efforts has she put in to making this happen, even in terms of researching her options or committing to treatment for her anxiety.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing OP. Don't beay yourself up about it. Would your daughter have been able to cope with the journey to the comprehensive when you were not able to take her? I agree with others who say find what she is interested/ passionate about and see if there are any roles. If there is not an immediate need for her to.be earning, then maybe there are some voluntary roles available?

The reality is that if she couldn't cope there it's unlikely she would have coped in the other school that you "missed out" on, so don't beat yourself up about that. It's bloody exhausting having an anxious child. You're doing the best you can. Nobody knows what the other option would have brought, but it's likely she'd have hated it too - especially with that journey. And you would have been stressed. Forget about the what-ifs - easier said than done, I know. Focus on a plan moving forward. I don't think you can do A levels anymore if you miss sixth form so she will have to do some kind of access course to go to uni.

Hindsight is great isn't it. I have made "bad" decisions for my 15 y old autistic teen as well; keeping him in mainstream when it was obvious it wasn't a good fit for him. Resulted in 2 years "homeschooling" due to anxiety before he got a place in Sen environment.

If I think about it now it was a really bad decision. BUT.. I did then what I thought was the best FOR HIM. At the time it seemed like putting him in a SEN environment was like "giving up"on him and reducing his choices further on in life because there were so many doors that closed with that decision.

I did what I thought was the best at the time and so did you @bendmeoverbackwards . We are not perfect. Noone is. And we will probably keep on making mistakes. But as long as we do them while trying our best we have to forgive ourselves. I so hope for you and your dd that she will find "her path" forwards. Be kind to yourself.❤️

Aww, I’m so sorry OP. I’ve been where you are with a school refuser and it’s soul-destroying. It’s easy to beat yourself up and think ‘what if’ (I’ve done it too!). Please don’t! I mean this respectfully, but it sounds like your daughter was going to struggle no matter where she was. No school was suddenly going to become the magical solution. And you DID give her other options.
I hope it all works out for the future.

I think she’s trying to make you responsible for her failure in making it work at other places - she needs to do the leg work and find somewhere herself that suits or look at other options like modern apprenticeships

Has she sought treatment for her anxiety ?

My daughter - also autistic and recently diagnosed ADHD - struggled with 6th form too. Dropped out by Christmas in y1. Tried again next year, different subjects, but same result. Too old to try again the next year so spent the following 18m pretty much depressed and in bed, although rallied after her ADHD diagnosis. It took most of the 18m to find the right meds and to persuade a GP to explore medication for anxiety/depression. Last August, now 19, she expressed distress at having fucked things up and all her school friends now being at uni, so she started an Access to HE Diploma at the local tech college. We had a bumpy ride for the first term until we got her meds right and in part because of extreme anxiety over the UCAS application system. However, being a tech with a culturally and academically diverse cohort of students, she had the most incredible, supportive and empathetic body of teaching staff. She graduated with 45/45 distinctions and has a place at a top 5 uni from September. A fellow student is off to cambridge.

I guess the message is: sometimes they need a bit if space to work out what they really want and then need a truly supportive place to achieve it. If I am honest I was a middle class academic snob previously and would never for a second have considered a tech college. However my DS, also autistic, messed up his GCSEs (5/6s not the 7-9s predicted) and no 6th form would have him. The same tech took him on and for all the above reasons he has absolutely flourished. Is predicted A/A* in 3 A levels and applying to study physics at uni if his AS level grades next week match predictions. This is not a stealth boast - it’s an attempt to show that teens (post covid, autistic) can find their way and succeed if you/they explore other routes. I’d really recommend autism/ADHD mentoring and checking that her diagnosis is complete (ie that she isn't also ADHD etc, experiencing severe social anxiety that medication/counselling might help with) - and reassure her [and yourself] that all is not lost. Children, autistic or not, are varied and unique, something the traditional academic path does not recognise, and sometimes they meed to take an alternative path. All my firends who have spectrum children, or dyslexia, or a variety of other educational support needs, have all reported that uni is a completely different animal to school and 6th form. I think the Tech College is a closer cousin to uni with its approach so please explore this. I’ve been blown away by ours and my kids are now beginning to find their feet.

So hang in there and know you made the decisions you made with the best intentions and the information and resources that were available at the time. Your DD just wasn’t ready yet and the options available weren’t right at the time. It doesn’t mean you won’t have more available.

Happy to be Dm’d if you’d like more info :)