How do I forgive myself and put this behind me?

[bendmeoverbackwards]

2 years ago, my 16 year autistic daughter narrowly missed the entry requirements for her (academic grammar) school sixth form and they denied her entry. She’d been floating on 50% attendance so I imagine they were relieved to get rid of her.

We already had an alternative - a very nice state comprehensive that dd and I had visited on an open day and got a good feel. They did the subjects she wanted and was lucky to get a place as an external. It was a back up as I was hoping she’d be able to stay where she was.

The downside to this other school was the journey - prob twice the distance than her current school. And not an easy journey by public transport - a good 12-15 min walk to the tube then she’d have to change lines, another tube and get a bus home from the station. I sort of thought I could take her in the morning and maybe collect her some days. I thought it’s only 18 months, we could have made it work.

GCSE results day came, dd didn’t get the grades and I started to worry about the journey. Then I remembered a small private school close to where we live. Dd seemed keen, they had places and we went to visit just before term started. They didn’t offer one of her subjects but lots of choice of others. A short bus ride from home or 10 mins by car.

Dd did one day at the private school, then said she hated it and wasn’t going back. I can’t remember the exact timing but when I contacted the comprehensive they said they no longer had a place.

In hindsight I should have encouraged dd to try the comprehensive first and tried the journey as the private school was unlikely to be full after a few weeks.

I contacted lots of other schools around this time, one other local school had places but dd didn’t want to go there; at another private school I got her in for an interview at October half term but when they saw how anxious she was, they didn’t offer her a place.

Shes been out of education for 2 years and is now 18. I’ve suggested alternative courses eg a BTEC, an animal course I found, foundation year at uni….she’s refused all of these and said she MUST do A levels.

Every so often, I get the ‘what if’ about the back up comprehensive. She might have liked it and we’d manage the journey somehow and we wouldn’t be in this position ☹️

You HAVE to forgive yourself. You actually have done NOTHING wrong. You need someone to talk to because this is such a non issue in terms of parenting and my friends / sister / partner would say ‘not your fault, you did what you thought was best’ and I would be reassured and I have high anxiety levels. My son is autistic and everything is 10x harder. She likely would have hated the journey and may not have even been safe! You made a decision that didn’t work out but it was what you thought was best for all of you at that time. Draw a line, move forward the best that you can now!

You do not deserve to feel this way anymore. You are a good person (hopefully) that is doing their best. I see you and I feel you because life with an autistic person is god damn hard work and you have to let this go for your own mental health x

As a parent of an Autistic DC myself I agree. Stop blaming yourself, you did everything you could with the information you had at the time. A-Levels are difficult, she needs to take some initiative if that is really what she wants. I would be giving her some tough love 'if that is what you want to do research and show me how you're going to make that work'.

@bendmeoverbackwards
I totally get how you feel. .It's easier to blame ourselves as that means we can then change things for them. It's very hard when they cannot and will not effect change themselves. We feel stuck.
I am where you are in some ways. The only thing I have learnt is patience and it will happen one day.
It's unfortunate you are being blamed by your DD. I would put my foot down and not take that. I think you need to show her you have a life and feelings of your own. Get on and about and do your own thing. If she wants to sit at home moping so be it.
It's hard to watch them do nothing but equally there is nothing you can do. So beat yourself, have a big cry but then just get up and get going. She needs to see you have moved on so she can move on.
Xx

From your subsequent posts I can say that she sounds like she could be my DDs twin. Nothing less than a Russell Group was good enough, despite myself and dad just wanting her to be happy. We’d have been happy for her to go to drama/theatre/art school or to do a professional apprenticeship but the black and white thinking was sooo hard to penetrate as she also fits the PDA profile. She felt a failure next to her friends (as did my DS last year). I really would explore having her additionally assessed for ADHD but also ringing your GPs to see if you can find one that understand autism-anxiety as my DD really did say that until she had found medication that worked, she wasn’t in the headspace to consider college 9or taking her ADHD meds properly). It all flowed from there.

We have a really good counsellor/mentor via the Oxford ADHD and Autism centre who share her care with our GP, so she is seen by the psych team there (via zoom as we’re not local). She refused to engage with any therapists before this chap who specialises in kids/YPs who are on the spectrum. She feels he ‘gets’ her and her autism/ADHD and doesn’t patronise.

We know it will be a bumpy ride, but her uni is 55 mins away on the train in London where DH will arrange to work several days a week and take her out for a meal if needed, but the disability team have been fantastic and really do help support and scaffold them into independence. The feedback we’ve also had was that the unis were impressed that she didn’t give up, that she went back and did the access course and showed resilience and determination - perhaps you can help your DD reframe doing an access course this way?

The beauty of an access course it is has no exams - it is assessed by assignments and dissertations (for which she would be entitled to extensions btw). I’m a post grad student and upon reading her assignments they were as challenging and vigorously assessed as any first year uni course, so my own thoughts on the access course somehow being lesser than A levels was completely reframed. Unis LOVE access students because of the higher level of research skills, critical analysis and the independent projects each module involves. My DD chose Law, history and sociology and is now going to study classics and ancient history - nothing she had considered prior to starting the course. She’s no idea what she wants to do afterwards - law, archeology, becoming a tattoo artist LOL - but she’s excited to be moving forward.

Yes yes to access course.

@CautiousLurker01 that sounds great! Unfortunately dd has always refused any offer of help and I can’t see that changing anytime soon. As for disability support at uni, she would run a mile. Because she’s trying to push through life pretending she’s neurotypical.

To be honest op, she'd blame you regardless.

Sounds like she needs more help for her mental health before she starts anything.

OP the journey to the comprehensive is a red herring. Your DD most likely would have struggled there as well. She seems to have problems in mainstream academic settings. Have you considered an online school, or distance learning A Levels, that she can do at home?

I have @FeistyFrankie but she won’t even consider online or distance options, she says it’s ’weird’.

She actually thrived in school all through primary and at secondary until the middle of year 8 (start of Covid). It wasn’t until she went back properly in year 10 after the lockdowns that things started to fall apart.

How does she spend her days? Is she just staying at home looking online? Or is she getting out and about?

Exactly what happened to mine. Except she was in Year 9 at lockdown.

There's a possibility she's fixated on a levels because she's actually too scared/anxious to do anything at all.

She did try one and left after the first day, and since then no a level course has been suitable.
However because she will only consider A levels none of the other suggestions are suitable either. She's ended up doing nothing but this may be what she wants.
Not what she actually wants but is safer for her.

If it was me I would totally stop talking about education and courses. If she brings it up just say that will be great for you when you're ready and that's it.

I would focus my efforts on helping her mental health as much as you can in a way she doesn't find threatening or scary.

However I do think you have to take a breather as well. Because you might not be aware of it but she will feel your own anxiety around this topic even if you think you're being fine and calm like you don't care.

Is it possible she’s in burnout? They refuse to do everything when they are.

I think maybe you need a conversation with her if that’s possible.

Shes not pushing through life at all. It’s not your fault she’s ASD even if she blames you. I think changing this mindset and accepting her diagnosis would be the first step forward.

What does she do all day?

What does she do all day? Not a lot. She’s bored and miserable at home. She watches TV with us in the evening and hangs out a bit with her sister when she’s not at work. She’s been going to the theatre, both with me, Dh or dd2…. and more recently by herself. This is a big step for her as she struggles with orientation in unfamiliar places. I’m proud of her for getting the tube into town and navigating by herself.

From past experience and knowing her, she does things when she’s ready on her own timescale. The more pressure I put on her, the less likely she is to do something.

That sounds very positive and something that can be built on to help her confidence. Stop thinking about education, help her to start doing new and different things.
She's only 18 there's plenty of time for her to figure out what she's doing.
If she had spent the last few years doing A levels but failed them then she'd be in the same position as she's in now, but because she had been doing something you wouldn't have the same feelings.

Would she do volunteering?

She’s very motivated by money so would probably prefer a paid job.

@VeryStressedMum thank you, I just worry that this is forever. If someone told me it will come good eventually I could relax a a bit. Plus my 22 year old dd, having done a year of youth work, thinks she’s a parenting expert and has told me without firm boundaries in place, dd3 will still be at home at 30. Which upset me a lot.

She got 66666 (Maths, English x 2 and double Science), 55 (History and RS), 4 (Spanish) and 3 (Class Civ). Not bad results on 50% attendance. But she says she’s ‘failed’. She’s bright and sailed through primary school but I wouldn’t say she loves learning particularly.