How do I forgive myself and put this behind me?

[bendmeoverbackwards]

2 years ago, my 16 year autistic daughter narrowly missed the entry requirements for her (academic grammar) school sixth form and they denied her entry. She’d been floating on 50% attendance so I imagine they were relieved to get rid of her.

We already had an alternative - a very nice state comprehensive that dd and I had visited on an open day and got a good feel. They did the subjects she wanted and was lucky to get a place as an external. It was a back up as I was hoping she’d be able to stay where she was.

The downside to this other school was the journey - prob twice the distance than her current school. And not an easy journey by public transport - a good 12-15 min walk to the tube then she’d have to change lines, another tube and get a bus home from the station. I sort of thought I could take her in the morning and maybe collect her some days. I thought it’s only 18 months, we could have made it work.

GCSE results day came, dd didn’t get the grades and I started to worry about the journey. Then I remembered a small private school close to where we live. Dd seemed keen, they had places and we went to visit just before term started. They didn’t offer one of her subjects but lots of choice of others. A short bus ride from home or 10 mins by car.

Dd did one day at the private school, then said she hated it and wasn’t going back. I can’t remember the exact timing but when I contacted the comprehensive they said they no longer had a place.

In hindsight I should have encouraged dd to try the comprehensive first and tried the journey as the private school was unlikely to be full after a few weeks.

I contacted lots of other schools around this time, one other local school had places but dd didn’t want to go there; at another private school I got her in for an interview at October half term but when they saw how anxious she was, they didn’t offer her a place.

Shes been out of education for 2 years and is now 18. I’ve suggested alternative courses eg a BTEC, an animal course I found, foundation year at uni….she’s refused all of these and said she MUST do A levels.

Every so often, I get the ‘what if’ about the back up comprehensive. She might have liked it and we’d manage the journey somehow and we wouldn’t be in this position ☹️

I would be more than happy to pay for this and thankfully we are able to fund a private option. But she has refused this so far.

Personally I think an access course would be best now and the fastest route to university. But she’s still adamant she has to do A levels.

I think you know that it's almost certain your dd wouldn't have been able to attend the preferred school, but because nothing else has worked out it has now become the one that got away and if only she'd have gone there it would all be alright now rather than this state of anxiety you are living in about her present and future.
That's understandable because it's the only thing you haven't tried so of course it's become the only thing that would have worked but you know this isn't true.

However, if she wants to do A levels she actually has to go somewhere and do them and if she refuses to do this there's not much you can do. It's incredibly hard to take a step back even when you know it's the best thing.
I can't talk as I find it almost impossible to do, but sometimes I've had to. I've had to make peace with myself that I can't fix everything and make everything better, and as long as they know I'm there to offer help, support, love and guidance they will find their path

Mine wouldn’t retake her A levels because she didn’t want to be with people younger than her ( like a whole year) Woild this be relevant?

The Access course mine went on was full of people like her for obvious reasons) She fitted right in.

I think you will have to let her find her own way to what she wants to do next. I would stop talking about "what she's going to do next" or "going back to school" and instead set what her (minimal) allowance will be. And then leave her to it. As in, carry on with your work, your other children's needs, until she asks for help.

Your DD obviously needs a great deal of control (because she's autistic and anxious) and sticking to her A Levels and Russell Group plan is a way of keeping that control - and because she's very inflexible. (I am also the parent of an autistic child.) If she doesn't want to accept her diagnosis, she doesn't need to use it or tell a new school/workplace/other job.

On your AIBU, I think you need to accept that this is where your daughter is now - there's not a magic other pathway somewhere where she is happier. And as others have said, you need to accept that it's her situation to fix, with your support when she wants it - you've done what you can and you're providing a loving safe home for her. My guess is that, in some way, the push-pull with you and her blaming you and you blaming yourself is at least safe for her at the moment, or allowing her to continue behaviour patterns she knows and that feel familiar. Dropping all your efforts and your self-flagellation might prompt change in her.

Don’t worry she’s blaming you for everything anyway!

You are being ridiculously hard on yourself. I don’t see how you have done anything wrong, other than not insisting she went back to the private school for more than a day.

She’s eighteen now. She has to take on some of the responsibility for her own happiness and her own choices.

I think a lot of sixteen year olds would like to sit around for two years instead of continuing with education or training but that’s not the way life works.

I could be wrong but I though a levels were only really available for 16-19 year olds, so unless she is wanting to do them from home and teach herself, she has missed the boat and is too old now. So that option is off the table.

@WouldYouEatThemWithAFox she very much wants to move on with her life but something is stopping her. She tells me repeatedly how miserable she is, ‘everyone’ else is going to uni/inter-railing etc, she doesn’t have any friends, how it’s not fair (very childish language). Whilst I do feel sorry for her, I’m so frustrated at her woe is me attitude. But in the words of Ross Greene, kids do well if they can. And she clearly can’t right now. She’s not choosing this life.

I'm not sure but I thought anyone can do them at any age just not at a school

They can go to a college to do them

The op's dd won't be able to go back to a school to do them anyway so if she wants to do a levels she'd have to find another institution

In those two years she could have self-studied her much wanted A-levels at home. That was the obvious option.

She seems to be leaving this all to you to sort, despite her not taking any of your solutions. I'd be leaving it for her to deal with now, you've done enough. No idea why she's so tunnel-visioned towards A-levels.

Thank you @BusMumsHoliday I think I do need to take a step back now. Although I’m feeling anxious about the start of the new academic year round the corner and if we’re looking at a third wasted year.

If she won’t speak to any health professionals would she be willing to engage with a careers counsellor or similar? She clearly needs some advice or guidance on how best to start back into education as she’s been out for years now if you include the time she spent barely attending school.

She is 18 and obviously a young 18 but perhaps offering her the opportunity to find a new path for herself might be more palatable than being offered several choices and the anxiety this provokes?

What are her interests?

@MatildaTheCat she loves animals. A while ago I found a great college course on animal care that was equivalent to A levels. I got a big fat NO from her and she said she was offended I even suggested it.

She used to dance a lot but that’s stopped now. She loves theatre especially musicals. I don’t think she’s good enough to become a professional dancer unfortunately.

This

OP , gently i think you've got to stop thinking in terms of 'wasted years '. It's not a race to get to university and out the other side.

A lot of people don't go to university. There are other options. I think a PP nails it when they say she's possibly focussed on A levels and University because of her huge anxiety.

I think you have to take a step back. If she is miserable and life is not fair, what is she going to do about that? Will she see a medical professional for her anxiety?

Read up on PDA again. Maybe presents etc are the way forwards, I don't know.

Support and encourage the baby sitting as that sounds like pretty much the only thing she is doing.

It's not 'wasted years' , it's her life as it is at the moment and of she wants to change she'll have to dp that herself.

Ok, that’s a starting point. If she won’t engage in education then she must try some activities that get her outside and engaging in the world. Could be volunteering at an animal sanctuary, horse riding or pretty much anything. But something.

Re acting and singing, surely that’s brilliant for confidence and getting involved in a group enterprise? Is there a local community choir you could both attend? An instrument she’d like to try and learn? A dance class at the local gym?

She says she wants to go to uni, fine but first of all she has to get out of the door. I know that’s easier said than done but some thinking outside the box is currently needed. None of this is supposed to sound critical btw.

@MatildaTheCat she said a few months ago that she wanted to join a gym as an alternative to dance classes. No problem, I got her a 3 month trial membership at my gym. She didn’t go!

@Spanglemum02 there is no expectation at all on my part for her to go to uni. I would be over the moon if she got a job at Tescos right now. But I’m not getting anywhere with her by suggesting other options to her. She just says I’m not listening to her when she says she wants A levels and uni 🤷♀️

OP, what about an online school or private tutors if she likes studying but not the formal school environment? There are several options. Then she could get a part time job, or say, volunteer with animals. Just getting out there in some way will open her mind. How is her mental health generally? Has she had any counselling or support in the last two years? I don't think she will manage anything is she isn't well in herself.

DD2 is 16 and has ASD and ADHD. I withdrew her from school in Y10 and she did GCSEs in June with an online school. She was like a different girl almost as soon as she left school. She has just got a part time job, plays football for a local team and is going to FE college next month. She has a lovely friendship group of the kids she was at school with and also from football.

Shes just in this mindset that her life has been ruined and she won’t ever have any happiness. Although she does talk a lot about having her own family one day so I suppose that’s a positive sign.

I used to teach A levels.

Im our city they are a 16-19 qualification. I doubt anywhere would take someone at 18 without an EHCP..

What would she do if she’s missed the boat for A levels? There’s no night schools where you can do them anymore.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow Im pretty sure the private college she was due to start at last year would still take her. Don’t think they have an age limit.

Free of charge, yes. You can do them at any age with a private provider or with a college if you pay.

It really doesn't sound like Uni is the right option for her, besides, does she know you don't need A-levels to go to Uni? There are other pathways.

Personally, if I were her mother, I wouldn't be supporting her notion to go to uni, imagine her getting herself into tens of thousands of pounds of debt for a course she probably doesn't even attend.

A levels and Uni certainly are not the be all and end all, in many cases they are a waste of time (not all of course).

I know the feeling (for different reasons). I really think you've done all you can. Dont beat yourself up about it. She has to take some responsibility for her own life.

I suspect that until she addresses the anxiety, progress will be slow. If you say to her that you hear her, and how does she plan to do A levels and go to uni, what does she say?

I'd ask for advice from autism and PDA support groups. Also, think about your own wellbeing, you're blaming yourself and one missed opportunity (the comp 6th form), which almost certainly wouldnt have worked put either.

I know the feeling (for different reasons). I really think you've done all you can. Dont beat yourself up about it. She has to take some responsibility for her own life.

I suspect that until she addresses the anxiety, progress will be slow. If you say to her that you hear her, and how does she plan to do A levels and go to uni, what does she say?

I'd ask for advice from autism and PDA support groups. Also, think about your own wellbeing, you're blaming yourself and one missed opportunity (the comp 6th form), which almost certainly wouldnt have worked put either.