How do I forgive myself and put this behind me?

[bendmeoverbackwards]

2 years ago, my 16 year autistic daughter narrowly missed the entry requirements for her (academic grammar) school sixth form and they denied her entry. She’d been floating on 50% attendance so I imagine they were relieved to get rid of her.

We already had an alternative - a very nice state comprehensive that dd and I had visited on an open day and got a good feel. They did the subjects she wanted and was lucky to get a place as an external. It was a back up as I was hoping she’d be able to stay where she was.

The downside to this other school was the journey - prob twice the distance than her current school. And not an easy journey by public transport - a good 12-15 min walk to the tube then she’d have to change lines, another tube and get a bus home from the station. I sort of thought I could take her in the morning and maybe collect her some days. I thought it’s only 18 months, we could have made it work.

GCSE results day came, dd didn’t get the grades and I started to worry about the journey. Then I remembered a small private school close to where we live. Dd seemed keen, they had places and we went to visit just before term started. They didn’t offer one of her subjects but lots of choice of others. A short bus ride from home or 10 mins by car.

Dd did one day at the private school, then said she hated it and wasn’t going back. I can’t remember the exact timing but when I contacted the comprehensive they said they no longer had a place.

In hindsight I should have encouraged dd to try the comprehensive first and tried the journey as the private school was unlikely to be full after a few weeks.

I contacted lots of other schools around this time, one other local school had places but dd didn’t want to go there; at another private school I got her in for an interview at October half term but when they saw how anxious she was, they didn’t offer her a place.

Shes been out of education for 2 years and is now 18. I’ve suggested alternative courses eg a BTEC, an animal course I found, foundation year at uni….she’s refused all of these and said she MUST do A levels.

Every so often, I get the ‘what if’ about the back up comprehensive. She might have liked it and we’d manage the journey somehow and we wouldn’t be in this position ☹️

What were her grades like? Is there a careers advisor she can speak to at one of these schools (or the one she attended previously) as if she missed the entry requirements, maybe she needs someone impartial to be realistic and tell her BTEC will be a better option for her and that A level is very challenging.
There may be external services in your area that also work with children who aren't in school who will have workers who can have this conversation.
Would she be interested in an apprenticeship?

Rather than regret about how things could have been it seems better to focus on helping DD with her anxiety. There are some really good online counsellors who could support your DD to deal with her anxiety and find some coping strategies that will enable her to take the next steps in her life. It sounds like she will struggle to go to any school or college until she has her anxiety under control.

It's helping her understand that there are more ways to her end goal than a straight line and that A levels are not necessary. It's understandable that she sees one route only, many children and parents are like that but school grades really don't matter. Find a bit of volunteer work in something she likes, even half a day or an hour or two a week to begin to build her confidence and get her around people that got there through a very wiggly route with a few roundabouts and reverses thrown in.

Please don't blame yourself. You made what seemed like the right decisions at the time.

Work on her understanding of flexibility, difficult with autism I know, trying things out and help her let go of the a levels, school is all she's known so it's understandable that that's what she knows and believes is necessary and building her confidence to try things until she's able to take bigger steps.

Thank you.

She’s is such a negative mindset at the moment which is frustrating. She has never accepted the autism diagnosis and blames me for telling ‘lies’ to the school which resulted in her not attending every day and hence disappointing GCSE results.

The irony is that whilst she doesn’t accept the disgnosis, her thinking is very black and white, she MUST do A levels, she MUST go to a Russell group uni etc , but with no clear reasons why.

I’ve suggested a part time job and helped her look at vacancies online but it didn’t get any further. She’s doing a bit of babysitting now.

You don't know that she would have got on any better at the comprehensive - it's an unknown, you can't regret it because you don't know what would have happened, and you did what you thought was best for your daughter - no one can do more than that.

You can contact your LA as she should be registered as NEET. They might be able to help as they’re supposed to have a department for this (funding dependent these days)

Forget to add that she has a PDA profile so I have to be careful what I say as it might be seen as a demand.

Ive come to realise that any suggestions of alternatives, of which there are many, are pointless unless she considers one of them. I can’t do it for her.

I spoke to them last year. Some helpful suggestions but she refused to speak to them for advice so that’s as far as it got.

@CautiousLurker01 thats wonderful, well done to your dd. I hope she continues to thrive.

My dd is very much an academic snob even though we’ve never put academic pressures on our dc. Having done well at school until recent years and attended a grammar school, she sees herself as bright and therefore there is only one path. So frustrating.

You shouldn't feel guilty at all, you have tried very hard to find somewhere to suit your daughter. I feel that she needs to accept that if she is too anxious to attend the school she has been accepted into, then she must look at alternatives.

I think you need to be realistic , she wasn't going to keep that journey up and I think you know that deep down.

With that level of attendance and anxiety your DD may well have struggled anywhere she went bless her, and with that journey it most likely would have been very hard for her.
it’s very hard to know what to do in these situations and you can only do what you think best at the time. Remember whilst it’s awful for her, it’s also deeply stressful for you too. Be kind to yourself.
As the daughter of a dd that was in an awful place at 15, (anxious, suicidal, on a psychiatric unit), I’m very sure my decision making was not always what it could have been. Which isn’t to say what you decided was wrong. You just work with the info, energy level and instinct you have at one time.
I hope she can get some help and support from the services that are meant to help and that there is some help for you too x

Could she try volunteering, eg charity shop? Just to help her begin to find her feet as a young adult.
Have you researched FE colleges for an access course?
Realistically she is unlikely to cope with A levels if her attendance was 50% and she has been out of education for two years.

I struggle with 'regrets' too.
Friend said (wisely) "Never regret anything if you know you made the best decision you could at the time."

So you can beat yourself up over selfish or careless decisions, but not decisions you wrestled with.

i try to remember that sage counsel, and then my only guilt is for being daft enough to hold onto the past, if I start to regret something where I know the decision was a struggle. It was the best I could figure out at the time, then it's a waste of energy (a self indulgence even) to dwell on it now.

Is she was too anxious to start the friendly small school, the bigger school (plus journey) would have caused her even more anxiety

regret over past decisions is a waste of energy, though it is easy to get stuck in the this kind of loop/spiral thinking

( I speak as a parent of two children with SEN and anxiety who have crashed out of education)

focus on the next step for her instead :

1.) (getting the right support for her anxiety (my son got help from mental health crisis team (through GP) and was given group and individual therapy sessions which really helped, as well as medication)

2.) get her to take part in society, in life, a job (any job) she has found herself and applied for herself , she may need to get help with her mental health first)

good luck, it is tough, but giving yourself a hard time never helps

the other school would not have been a miracle panacea, just a different kind of challenge

Honestly OP, from the information you've given about her attendance and about the different schools she has refused, I think it's really unlikely that things would have worked out for her at the state school. What would have been so much better about it than her previous grammar and the two private schools she's tried?

You need to keep chipping away and get her to change her mindset about A levels and uni.

I am a retired LSA used to work at a college that ran a programme for youngsters who had, for whatever reason (social problems, SEND, etc) had dropped out of mainstream education. Your original post mentions tube and bus from which I take it you are living in London. If you are on the west side of Londo, I think the place I worked would be a good fit your daughter. If you want more information feel free to DM me.

I thought that if we weren’t paying school fees, we could have looked into private transport.

Dd has never accepted any help, be it counselling /therapy or medication. She remains stuck and blames me for it all.

There is nothing to forgive. Your DD is problematic, whatever you do. She has to make to decision to try before anything can be achieved. Diagnosis or not, she was only a 50% attender before GCSEs, and unfortunately it is not surprising she didn't do very well.
She only managed one day at the private school and has since rebuffed every one of your suggestions.

She has a goal in mind of A levels and Uni but will not do anything to help herself.
I spent a year trying very hard to help someone with ADHD get a job/further education but everything was met with excuses or stonewalling, even therapy or specialist colleges. In the end, I had nothing to suggest.
You cannot keep blaming yourself as you seem to be doing everything you possibly can to help but at 18 with a poor academic record you are fighting an uphill battle if she can't meet you half way.

You sound like you did everything you could. She should have given the private school more than a day especially as I’m guessing you would have paid the entire terms fees. It’s not your fault she refused to. I don’t think you could have any more than it sounds like you already have really.

I think you may have internalised her constantly blaming you OP. You have tried your best and none of this is your fault.

I agree there is nothing to forgive yourself for.
You have tried so many options.
In your place I would stop making any suggestions and tell her that she is bright and she will work it out.

She is in a no mindset.
Stop engaging about it.
Give her space to find solutions herself.

She is frustrated with herself so is blaming you.
A common thing with teens when they are unsure and a bit scared.
Give her space to come to you and it might help her make some decisions.

You sound like a wonderful patient woman and mother.

@moose62 she blames her poor attendance on me. Because there were discussions with the SENCO about her autism (‘lies’ in her eyes) which made her too scared to go to school.