How do I forgive myself and put this behind me?

[bendmeoverbackwards]

2 years ago, my 16 year autistic daughter narrowly missed the entry requirements for her (academic grammar) school sixth form and they denied her entry. She’d been floating on 50% attendance so I imagine they were relieved to get rid of her.

We already had an alternative - a very nice state comprehensive that dd and I had visited on an open day and got a good feel. They did the subjects she wanted and was lucky to get a place as an external. It was a back up as I was hoping she’d be able to stay where she was.

The downside to this other school was the journey - prob twice the distance than her current school. And not an easy journey by public transport - a good 12-15 min walk to the tube then she’d have to change lines, another tube and get a bus home from the station. I sort of thought I could take her in the morning and maybe collect her some days. I thought it’s only 18 months, we could have made it work.

GCSE results day came, dd didn’t get the grades and I started to worry about the journey. Then I remembered a small private school close to where we live. Dd seemed keen, they had places and we went to visit just before term started. They didn’t offer one of her subjects but lots of choice of others. A short bus ride from home or 10 mins by car.

Dd did one day at the private school, then said she hated it and wasn’t going back. I can’t remember the exact timing but when I contacted the comprehensive they said they no longer had a place.

In hindsight I should have encouraged dd to try the comprehensive first and tried the journey as the private school was unlikely to be full after a few weeks.

I contacted lots of other schools around this time, one other local school had places but dd didn’t want to go there; at another private school I got her in for an interview at October half term but when they saw how anxious she was, they didn’t offer her a place.

Shes been out of education for 2 years and is now 18. I’ve suggested alternative courses eg a BTEC, an animal course I found, foundation year at uni….she’s refused all of these and said she MUST do A levels.

Every so often, I get the ‘what if’ about the back up comprehensive. She might have liked it and we’d manage the journey somehow and we wouldn’t be in this position ☹️

There is hope, she can achieve her A levels in a different setting.
All is not lost.
Is there youth training services in your area.

If her attendance was 50% at her previous school then your instincts were probably right about the journey to the state comp being too much for her, so don't beat yourself up about her not going there. But I agree with others that my patience would be wearing thin now at her refusal to engage with alternatives. She's clearly not A-level material and there's nothing wrong with that – not all kids are. But she needs to do something. Have you tried open days for vocational BTechs?

You're not to blame OP, you're just a safe scapegoat for her unhappiness. You did the best you could with the information you had, you couldn't possibly know what would or wouldn't work out in advance.

I think you need to lay all her choices out to her very clearly and then take a step back and give her time to really process them and hopefully make a decision.

So what are her choices?

1.She can continue to babysit and not do anything else.

2.She can take medication for her anxiety that will enable her to attend a college and do her A-levels.

3.She can do an access to higher education qualification which will enable her to go to uni (without A-levels which she may really struggle with if her GCSE results are not great). This is only one year I believe and IMO would be the much better option for her. Is she aware of this option? She should be able to get into an RG uni with an access to higher education diploma. Perhaps present it as 'what people who are older than 18 do to get into uni'. It's more aimed at 19+ though so check they do take 18 year olds.

I would lay these three options out in writing (typed) and subtly play up the Diploma in a factual way (keep emotions out of it) - much better if she thinks it's her choice/idea. Having it written out gives her the time and space to process it without any pressure or emotion. I have a 19 year old DS with ASD and this is what I would do. Good luck!

Don't beat yourself up! You did the best that you could at the time and tbh, I don't think any of the options would have worked out for her, due to her excessive anxiety. In the end you can only provide options and encourage, you can't make them actually do anything they're not ready for.

The demands she's making for herself now may actually be self sabotage - knowing they aren't real options at the moment, means she can avoid confronting her own issues and lay the blame on the 'situation'.

The babysitting is something positive - maybe you can help her build up from that in some way?

She blames it on you, but you know that's not true, don't you? And it's also not true that the state school would have been a magic solution for her.

Have you considered online schooling. My ASD daughter will be doing her GCSEs with Kings InterHigh (other online schools are available).

@TreeDudette Ive looked at Kings interhigh, they look really good. Dd won’t even consider it, she says it’s ’weird’

I dunno, my Dh says I’m very hard on myself. Dd is suffering so much, maybe I feel I need to suffer too by blaming myself.

I have a daughter with ASD and Autism who crashed out of MS education in year 11. She's different from your daughter, she does not have PDA and she had a statement (as it was called then) and full time support.

So you're not alone in that respect. I wish we hadnt kept her in MS school but at the time she was ok there, until she wasn't

I think you're in a really difficult situation as your daughter doesnt agree with her diagnoses and is obviously highly anxious. She has this (possibly) unrealistic goal of A levels and a Russell group university. (At the grammar school this was probavly exepcted) but she can't/ won't do anything to get herself there.

As PP have saod, you cant do it for her. She has to take some responsibility. It's NOT your 'fault' she got an ASD diagnosis, that's manipulative.

FWIW you can get to RG university wirh an Access course, with BTECs , all sorts, but she may not appreciate that.

Have you got any support OP? You can't do it for her, she needs to put something in herself. Being an 'academic snob' is not going to get where she wants to be and you cannot magically make it happen.

Dont beat yourself up, it's incredibly hard.

Regarding medication - she says she can’t see a doctor to look into this because she is traumatised by the diagnosis 7 years ago and this prevents her from seeing ANY health professional.

That all sounds very frustrating OP. I totally get how you’re gutted at how this has turned out but you’ve worked hard and done your utmost for your DD. A good friend has a bright daughter with PDA and it was a massive uphill struggle to try to keep her in education. But FWIW the daughter has recently graduated, a couple of years later than if she has gone right through but she made it.

I appreciate this is easy for me to say but I would not be at home at being told it was all my fault and would be shutting down discussion on that. The bottom line is your Dd is now an adult, if she wants A levels and Russel group then it is for her to work out which of the realistic options she wants to do.

Why MUST she do A levels? Unless she has a clear plan for the future they’re likely just a waste of time, especially at 18. She needs to get on an apprenticeship or similar and work her way into a career that way. A levels get you nothing, neither do most degrees (unless, as stated, she has a specific career in mind).

I agree with you @Leilaandtheloggerheads but I just can’t persuade her to consider other options.

What’s her reasoning for not wanting to do online courses for her A Levels? It sounds like it would fit her perfectly as she could do it around babysitting and wouldn’t be expected to go anywhere or interact every day. I definitely would’ve preferred it when I was younger but it wasn’t really available. What does she want to do at uni?

If she didn’t have PDA I’d be giving her a time limit saying you’ll pay for anything as long as she starts/completes it by XX or she will have to get a job and move out (if she’s able to live independently). It’s the kind of thing that makes you feel like your parents are really mean as a teenager but you thank them for as an adult

It will take everything for her to do her A levels. She won’t be able to do a part time job! I have a similar dc.
Does she get universal credit or pip?

My dd is similar and dropped out of A levels for similar reasons.

Shes just done an access course and has a place at a Russel Group.

She might have hated the comp. This situation is not your fault, DD and you are having to deal with a huge level of anxiety that sadly makes any new challenge hard and unpredictable. Hope she finds her way.

You let her give up on the private school after one day? Surely she should have given it a few weeks or a term, particularly when you had no plan B. And you allowed her not to even try the next place, a bit of firm parenting needed really. She needs to start doing something, a job, an apprenticeship, some form of education for her self esteem. The initial problem was one thing but it has been compounded since then.

My daughter was very like this. Your dd is refusing everything due to anxiety and backs herself into a corner.

I don’t have any answers but:

We had authorisation over her medical records which enabled us to speak to gp’s on her behalf. She picked it up herself eventually. But we still have to go with her.

Sje is avoiding all education due to anxiety.

You need an EHCP and education at home. Small steps.

Mostly she needs help for her anxiety. When my dd was being particularly stubborn about gp due to her anxiety, l bought her a present if she’d go. She went.

Threats and demands do not work.
Mine is now 19. She will go on her own sometimes now.

l found l had to intervene otherwise she’d do nothing. Very gentle pushes and bribes.

I agree that she should have given it longer but without physically dragging her there, I don’t know what else I could have done.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow she will not engage with the EHCP process because according to her, she’s not autistic.

Dos she have to engage? You could act on her behalf.

The fact that she won’t engage speaks volumes. My dd wouldn’t speak to the ed pysch. She was 17. We just spoke for her.

I wouldn’t want to do this without her knowledge and consent especially now she’s 18. Another thing she hates and blames me for is talking about her behind her back. I want to rebuild the trust now.

Could you pay for her to do them online? Or hire tutors in?

I know it’s hard, but even at 18 is she making adult decisions? It doesn’t sound like it. Sometimes we had to step in for things that were beneficial for her health. She’ll just keep refusing everything.

I never forced mine. But bribery worked wonders.

How about getting her an online appointment with a careers/life coach to talk through her options? Someone who isn't her parents, isn't a teacher and isn't a doctor who can give her unbiased information and general support that might help her find the right path? Because it sounds like she's deeply mistrusting of adults in the above authority positions. You could draw up a shortlist and get her to pick the one she thinks she'd get on best with, so she feels like it's her decision.